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DUKE  UNIVERSITY 


LIBRARY 


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The  Glenn  Negley  Collection 
of  Utopian  Literature 


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1 


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THE 


MICELLANEOUS 

WORKS 


O    F 


Dr.    GOLDSMITH. 


CONTAINING      ALL      Hi: 


ESSAYS     and     POEMS, 


.i,v;y|J:^.f^^^^^^-^.4€: 


<^l«^siy^< 


PRiNTEB  AT  BROOKFIELD,  Massachusetts,  , 

BY  1.  THOMAS  and  E.  H.  WALDO. 

I    For  Th5MAS  and  Andrews,    'm  Boston.     Sold  by  ihcro,  and  bff 

did  Thomas,  in  WoRc*£Txa« 


^ 


[^%^«i;^%iii' 


PREFACE. 


THE  following  Effays  have  already  appeared  at  AifFcrent  timc3,andiJi 
different  publications.  The  p-^Tiphlets   in  >vhich  they  were  infert- 

ed  beinj;  eenerally  unfucccfsful,  thefe  /liared  the  common  tate,  without 
affirtinetbeboAfeiier's  aims,  or  extending  the_  writer  s  reputation.  I  he 
Dublick.  was  too  ftrenuouny  employed  with  their  own  follies,  to  be  amd- 
ious  in  eftimating  mine;  f.>  that  many  of  my  beft  atte.r.pts  .n  th^ 
vray,  have  fallen  vidims  to  the  tranfient  topicks  of  the  times,  the  Oholt 

Jn  Cocklane.orthefiegeofTyconderoga. 

'  But  though  they  have  palled  pretty  filently  in  the  world,  1  can  by  no 
means  complain  of  thsir  circulation.  The  magazines  and  papers  of  t.ie 
day  have,  indeed,  been  liberal  enough  in  this  refpett.  Moft  ot  tticie 
Effays  have  been  regularly  reprinted  two  or  three  times  a  year,  and  con- 
veyed to  the  publick  through  the  channel  of  fome  engagin-  compilation. 
If  there  be  a  pride  in  multiplied  editions,  1  have  feen  fome  of  my  la- 
bours fixteen  times  reprinted,  and  claimed  by  different  parents  as  their 
own.  1  have  feen  them  flouriflied  at  the  beginning  with  praife,  anj 
figned  at  the  end  with  the  names  of  Philantos,  Philalethes,  Ph:laleu- 
eheros  and  Philanthropos.  The  gentlemen  have  kindly  (lood  fponfors  to 
my  productions,  and  to  flatter  me  more,  have    always  paflsd  them  aa 

iheirown.  ,  ,       .l   r 

It  is  time,  however,  aMaft,  to  vindicate  my  claims  ;  and  as  thele  en- 
tertainers of  the  publick,  as  they  call  themfclves,  have  partly  lived  up- 
'  4)n  me  for  fome  years,  let  me  n  >w  try  if  I  cannot  live  a  little  upon  my- 
t  felf,  I  would  defire,  in  this  cafe,  to  imitate  that  fat  maa  whom  1  have 
^  lomewhere  heard  of  in  a  rtiipwreck,  who,  when  the  failors,  preft  by  fam- 
'  jnc,  were  taking  dices  from  his  pofleriors  to  fatisty  their  huager,  infift- 
«d  with  great  juftice  on  having  the  firft  cut  for  hi.nfelf. 

Yet,  after  all,  I  cannot  be  angry  with  any  who  take  it  into  their 
heads  to  think  that  whatever  I  write  is  worth  reprinting,  particiilarly 
when  1  confiderhow  great  a  majority  will  think  it  fcarce  worth  readine. 
Trifling  and  fuperficial,  as  terms  of  reproach  that  are  cafiy  objsiJed, 
and  that  carry  an  airol  penetration  in  the  obfeiver.  Thefe  taults  have 
been  objected  to  the  following  ElTays  5  and  it  maft  be  owned,  in  fume 
meafure,  that  the  charge  is  true.  However,  1  could  have  made  them 
more  metaphyfical,  had  I  thought  fit;  but  I  would  afk,  whether,  in* 
/horteflay,itis  not  neceflury  to  be  fupeificial  ?  Before  we  have  ;  rcpai- 
cd  to  enter  into  the  depths  of  a  fubje(St,  in  the  ufual  forms,  we  have  got 
to  the  bottom  of  our  fcanty  page,  and  thus  i&fc  thchonouis  of  avitlory 
by  too  tedious  a  preparation  for  the  combat. 
■  Ther«*  is  another  fault  in  this  coleaion  of  trifles,  which  1  fear  will 
rot  be  fo  eafily  pardoned.  It  will  bealledged,  that  the  humour  of  them 
(if  any  be  found)  is  dale  and  hackneyed.  This  may  be  true  enough,  a» 
matters  now  ftand  j  but  I  may  with  great  truth  alTort,  that  the  humour 
was  new  whei  1  wrote  it.  Snce  that  time,  indeed,  many  of  the  top- 
.jcks  which  were  fi.ft  darted  here,  have  been  hunted  down,  and  many 
of  the  thoughts  blown  upon.  In  fa<Si-,  thefe  EiHys  were  confidered  as 
qiietly  laid  in  the  grave'of  oblivion  i  and  our  modern  compilers,  like 
ftfictons  and  cxecutioneis,  think  it  their  undoubted  right  to  pillage  thf 
<iead. 

H  )wever,  whatever  right  I  have  to  complain  of  the  publ'cK,  they  can, 
£s  ve\  have  no  i  aft  tcafon  to  conix^laia  of  nic.  if  i  have  Wiit;eo  Oull  Ei. 


275339 


r    R     E     F    A     C    E. 

t»y«,  fhey  have  hitherto  treated  them  as  dull  ILirays.  Thus  far  we  ar* 
at  l.art  ap>n  .par  ;  and  uniiJ  they  thmk  h  to  m.ke  me  their  humble 
Croor  by  pra.fe,  I  amre'o'veo  not  to  Ic/e  afingle  Ir^ch  for  my  fe,f  im- 
portiince.  Inllead,  therefore,  o' attemping  tocft.bli/h  credit  amonptt 
Ihcr,,  .t  w.U  ptrnap,  be  wifer  c.  apply  to  fome  morediftant  correfoon- 
•!ent  i  and  a  ji.  dra<ts  are  in  fome  danger  of  being  proterted  at  home, 
Jt  may  not  be  .mnrudent,  upon  this  occf.un,  to  draw  my  bills  upon  pof* 
iVr'V  u  ;  ^  o^*V'ty-Sir,  nine  hundred  and  ninety  nine  years  after 
^^fighthereor  pay  the  Dearer,  or  order,  a  thoufand  pounds  worth  of 
prait-  tree /rom  all  deduaions  wharfoever,  it  being  a  commodity 
*'  if,  &c/ •  '"^  fciviceablc  to  kim,  and  place  it  to  tkc  accoeijt 


&SSAYS, 


ESSAYS, 


^ 


E  S  S  A  Y     L 

THERE  is  nor,  perhaps,  a  more  vvhimfical 
figure  in  nature,  than  a  man  of  real  mod- 
efty  who  afTumes  an  air  of  impudence  ;  who, 
while  his  heart  beats  with  anxiety,  (ludies  ^i^^y 
and  effeds  good  humour.  In  this  fituation, 
however,  every  unexperienced  writer  finds  him- 
felf.  ImpreiTed  with  the  terrors  of  the  tribunal 
before  which  he  is  going  to  appear,  his  natural 
humour  is  turned  to  pertnefs,  and  for  real  wit  he 
is  obliged  to  fubftitute  vivacity. 

For  my  part,  as  I  was  never  diftinguiflied 
for  addrefs,  and  have  often  even  blundered  in 
making  my  bow,  I  am  at  a  lols  whether  to  be 
merry  or  fad  on  this  folcmn  occaHon.  Should 
I  modeftly  decline  all  merit,  it  is  toopropabJe 
the  hafby  reader  may  take  me  at  my  word.  If 
on  the  other  hand,  like  labourers  in  the  Maga- 
zine trade,  I  humbly  prefume  to  p^iife  an 
epitome  of  all  the  good  things  that  v/ere  ever 
faid  or  written,  thofe  readers  I  mod  dcfi re  to 
picafe  may  forfake  me. 

My 
A  2 

5!  7  r;  'i  '^  0 


6  ESSAYS. 

My  bookfeller,  in  this  dilemma,  perceiving 
my  cmbarrafifmenr,  iRftantly  ofFcrred  his  afTift- 
ance  and  advice  :  '^  You  muft  know,  Sirj"  fays 
he,  *'  that  the  republick  of  letters  is  at  prefent 
**  divided  into  feveral  clafTes  :  One  writer  excels 
**  at  a  plan,  or  a  title  page  ;  another  works 
*^  away  the  body  of  the  book;  and  a  third  is  a 
*'  dab  at  an  index.  Thus,  a  Ma-:Tazine  is  not 
*^  the  refult  of  any  fingle  man's  induilry  j  but 
*^  goes  through  as  many  hands  as  a  pin, 
*'  before  it  is  fie  for  the  publick.  I  fancy,  Sir," 
continues  he,  *'  I  can  provide  an  eminent 
*'  hand,  and  upon  moderate  terms,  to  draw  up 
*^  a  promifing  plan  to  fmooth  up  our  readers  a 
'^  little,  and  pay  them,  as  Colonel  Charteries 
*^  paid  his  fcraglio,  at  the  rate  of  three  half 
*^  pence  in  hand,  and  three  fhiliings  more  in 
*^promifes." 

He  was  proceeding  in  his  advice,  which, 
however,  I  thought  proper  to  decline,  by  allur- 
ing him,  that  as  1  intended  to  purfue  no  fixed 
riiethod,  fo  it  was  impofiible  to  form  any  regu- 
lar plan  :  Determined  never  to  be  tedious  in  or- 
der to  be  logical,  wherever  pleafure  prefented,  I 
was  refolved  to  follow. 

It  will  be  improper,  therefore,  to  pall  the 
ri'ader's  curiofiry,  by  lelTening  his  furpnfe  j  or 
r-nticipa^e  any  p:)leafure  I  am  able  to  procure 
him,  by  faving  what  fhaU  come  next.  Happy, 
couid  af:y  eTort  of  mine  but  fupprefs  one  crimi- 
r,il  pleiriir?,  or  but  for  a  mom.ent  fill  up  an 
M  ^''':'vn^  cf  -^r'V^tv  j  how  gladly  would  I  lead 

manlvini 


ESSAYS.  7 

mankind  from  the  vain  pror[ie6t  of  life,  to 
profpeds  of  innocence  and  eafe,  where  every 
breeze  breathes  health,  and  ever)  found  is  biic 
the  echo  of  tranquillity  ! 

But,   whatever   may    be  the  merit  of  his  in- 
tentions, every   writer  is  now  convinced  that 
he  mud  be   chieBy  indebted   to   good   fonune 
for  finding  readers    willing  to   allow    him   any 
degree  of  reputation.      It  has   been   remarked, 
that  almoft  every  charader   which   has   exclitd 
either  attention  or  pity,  has  owed   part  of  its 
fuccefs  to  merit,  and  part  to  a  happy  concnr- 
jence   of  circumRances    in    its  favour.     Had 
C?efar  or  Cromwell   exchanged    countries,  the 
one  might  have  been  a  ferjeant,  and   the  other 
an  excife  man.     So  it  is  with  wir,  which  gene- 
rally fuccceds  more  from  being  happily  addref- 
{(td,  than    from   its  native   poignancy.     A  jeft 
cak^ulated  to  fpread  at  a  gaming  table,  may  be 
received    wirh    perfed    indifference,  fliould    ic 
happen  to  drop  in  a  mackarel  boat.     We  have 
all  (ccn  dunces  triumph    in    fome  companies, 
where  men  of  real  humour  were  difregarded,  by 
a  general  combination   in  favour  of  ftupidity. 
To  drive  the  obfervation  as, far  as  it    will    go, 
fhould  the  labours  of  a  writer,  who  defigns  his 
performances  for  readers  of  more  refined  appe- 
tite, fal'  into  the  hands  of  adevourer  of  com.pi- 
-lations,  What  can  he  expedt  but   contempt  and 
confufion  ?  If  his  merits  are  to  be  determined 
by  judges  vv'ho  eflimate  the  value  ofa  book  from 
its  bulk,  or  its  fronrilpiece,  every  rival  rniifl  ac- 
cuire  an  €a{y  fuperiority,  who  with  perfuafiv^ 

(■■•^■r,  •--  -re 


t  E    S     S     A     Y   JS. 

eloquence  promifes  four  pages  extraordinary  of 
let:ei  prcfs,  or  two  beautiful  prints  curioufiy 
coloured  from  nature. 

Thus,  then,  though  I  cannot  promifc  as  much 
entertainment  or  as  much  elegance  as  others 
have  done,  yet  the  reader  may  be  affured  he  fliall 
have  as  much  of  both  as  I  can.  He  (hall,  ac 
leaQ,  find  me  alive  v/hile  I  ftudy  his  entertain- 
ment ;  for  I  fokmnly  aflure  him,  1  was  never  yec 
pofTc-fied  of  the  fecret  of  writing  and  fleeping. 

During  the  courfe  of  this  paper,  therefoie,  all 
the  wit  and  learning  I  have  are  heartily  at  his 
fervice  ;  which  if,  aft^r  fo  candid  confeflion,  he 
fliould,  notwithilanding,  ftili  find  intolerably 
dull,  or  low,  or  fad  fluff,  this  I  procefl  is  m.ore 
than  1  know.  I  have  a  clear  confcience,  and 
am  entirely  out  of  the  fecret. 

Yet  I  would  not  have  him,  upon  the  perufal 
of  a  fingk  paper,  pronounce  me  incorrigible: 
he  may  try  a  fecond,  which,  as  there  is  a  fiudied 
difference  in  fubjedt  and  ftyle,  may  be  more  fuir- 
ed.to  his  tade.  If  this  alfo  fails,  I  muft  refer 
Iiimto  a  third,  or  even  a  fourth,  in  cafe  of  extrem- 
ity. If  he  fhould  ftill  continue  refradory,  and 
find  mje  dull  to  the  laft,  I  mud  inform  him,  wirh 
Bays  in  the  Rehearfal,  that  I  think  him  a  vtry 
odd  kind  of  a  fellov/,  and  defire  no  more  of  his 
acquaintance.  But  dill  if  my  readers,  impurethc 
general  tenor  of  my  fubjedl  to  m^e  as  a  fault,  I 
mud  beg  leave  to  tell  him  a  dory. 

A  traveller,  in  his  way  to  Iraly,  found  him- 
f^'-if  in  a  country  where  the  inhabitants  had  each 
.SNlarge  excrefccnce  depending  from  the  chin  :  ii 

dcforn:iity 


ESSAYS.  ^ 

deformity  v/hich,  as  itwas  epidemick,  and  the  peo- 
ple little  ufed  to  Grangers,  it  had  been  the  cuf- 
torn,  time  immemorial,  to  look  upon  them  as 
the  greateft  beauty.  Ladies  grew  toafts  from 
the  fizc  of  their  chins;  and  no  men  were  beaux 
whofe  faces  were  not  broadeft  at  the  bottom.  It 
v/as  Sunday  j  a  country  church  was  at  hand  ; 
and  our  traveller  was  willing  to  perform  th« 
duties  of  the  day.  Upon  his  firfl  appearance 
at  the  church  door,  the  eyes  of  all  were  natural- 
ly fixed  upon  the  (Iranger  :  But  what  was  iheir 
amazement,  when  they  found  that  he  adlually 
wanted  that  emblem  of  beauty,  a  purfed  chin  I 
Stifled  burils  of  laughter,  winks  and  whifpers, 
circulated  from  vifagc  to  vifage :  The  prifmatick  * 
figure  of  the  ftranger's  face  was  a  fund  of  in- 
finite gaity.  Our  traveller  could  no  longer 
patiently  continue  an  objedl  of  deformity  to 
point  at.  ''  Good  folks,"  faid  he,  "  I  perceive 
*^  that  I  am  a  very  ridiculous  figure  herc^  but 
*^  I  afTure  you,  I  am  reckonf  i  no  wa;-  deformed 

^^aCHOMfi," 


ESSAY 


io  ESSAYS. 


ESSAY    II. 

THE  STORY   OF  ALCANDER  anh 
SEPTIMIUS. 

TAKEN  FROM  A  BYZANTINE  HISTORIAN. 

ATHENS,  long  afrer  the  decline  of  the 
Roman  empire,  (lill  continued  the  feac 
of  learning,  policenefs  and  vvifdom,  Theodoric, 
the  Oitrogoth,  repaired  the  fchools  which  bar- 
barity was  fufFering  to  fall  into  decay,  and  con- 
tinued thofe  penfions  to  men  of  learning,  which 

'   avaricious  governors  had  monopolized. 

In  this  city,  and  about  this  period,  Alcan- 
tier  and  Septimius  were  fellow  fluden-ts  together. 
The  one  the  moft  fubtle  reafoner  of  all  the 
L,yceum  ;  the  other,  the  mofl:  eloquent  fpeaker 

-4n  the  acadcmick  grove.  Mutual  admiration 
f{jon  begot  a  friend  bip.  Their  fortunes  were 
nearly  equal,  and  they  were  natives  of  the  two 
moft  celebrated  cities  in  the  world  ;  for  Alcan- 
der  was  of  Athens,  Septimius  came  from  Rome. 
In  this  ftate  of  harmony  they  lived  for  feme 
time  together,  when  Alcander,  after  pafTingthe 
firft  part  of  youth  in  the  indolence  of  phiiofo-. 
phy,  thought  at  length  of  entering  into  the  bufy 
Avorld  ;  and,  as  a  fiep  previous  to  this,  placed 
Lis  afFcr<5tions  on  Hypatia,  a  lady  of  exquifitc 
beauty.  The  day  of  their  intended  nuptials 
was  fixed  ;  the  previous  ceremonies  were  per- 
formed j  and  nothing  now  remained  but  her  bc- 

inn 


ESSAYS.  If 

ing  condudled  in  triumph  to    the  apartment  of 
the  intended  bridegroom. 

Alcander's  exultation  in  his  own  happinefs^ 
or  being  unable  to  enjoy  any  fatisfadlion  with- 
out making  his  friend  St:'ptimius  a  partner,  pre- 
vailed upon  him  to  introduce  Hypatia  to  his 
fellow  ftudent ;  which  he  did  with  all  the  gaiety 
of  a  man  who  found  himfelf  equally  happy  in 
friendfhip  and  love.  But  this  was  an  interview 
fatal  to  the  future  peace  of  both  -,  for  Septimius 
no  fooner  faw  her,  but  he  was  fmitten  with  an 
involuntary  pafTion  ;  and  though  he  ufed  every 
effort  to  fupprefs  defires  at  once  fo  imprudent 
and  unjufl:,  the  emotions  of  his  mind  in  afhorc 
time  became  fo  ftrong,  that  they  brought  on  a 
fever,  which  the  phyficians  judged  incurable. 

During  this  iilnefs,  Aicander  watched  him 
with  all  the  anxiety  of  fondnefs,  and  brought 
his  miflrefs  to  join  in  thofe  amiable  offices  of 
friendfhip.  The  fagacity  of  the  phyficians,  by 
thefe  means,  foon  difcovered,  that  the  caiife  of 
their  patient's  diforder  was  love  ;  and  Aican- 
der being  apprifed  of  their  difcovery,  at  length 
extorted  a  confeffion  from  the  reludant  dying 
lover. 

It  would  but  delay  the  narrative  to  defcribe 
the  confiid  between  love  and  friendfliip  in  the 
breaft  of  Aicander  on  this  occafion :  It  is  enough 
to  fay,  that  the  Athenians  were  at  that  time  ar- 
rived at  fuch  refinement  in  morals,  that  every 
virtue  was  carried  to  excefs.  In  fliori,  forget- 
ful of  his  own  felicity,  he  gave  up  his  intended 
bride,  in  all  her  charms,  to  the  young  Roman. 
^  They 


12  ESSAY    S. 

They  were  married  privately  by  his  connivance  ; 
and  this  unlocked  for  change  of  fortune  wroughc 
as  unexpecled  a  change  in  the  conftiiution  of  the 
now  happy  beprimius.  In  a  few  days  he  was 
perfedlly  recovered,  and  fet  out  with  his  fair 
partner  for  Rome.  Here  by  an  exertion  of 
th  He  talents  which  I^  was  f )  emiinently  poflefled. 
of,  Sept'mius,  in  a  few  years,  arrived  at  the 
highed  degnities  of  the  ftate,  and  was  conftitut- 
ed  the  dty  judge,  or  prserer. 

In  the  mean  time,  Alcander  not  only  felt  the 
pain  of  bfin.i;  feparaied  from  his  friend  and  his 
midrefs,  but  a  profecution  was  alfo  commenced 
.'i^zainfl  him  by  the  relations  of  Hypatia,  for  hav- 
ing bafely  given  up  his  bride,  as  was  fuggefted, 
for  money.  His  innocence  of  the  crime  laid 
to  his  charge,  and  even  his  eloquence  in  his 
own  defence,  were  not  able  to  wirhftand  the  in- 
fluence of  a  powerful  party.  He  was  call  and 
condemned  to  pay  an  enormous  fine.  How- 
ever, being  unable  to  raife  fo  large  a  fum  at  the 
time  af.^pointed,  his  poffelTlons  were  confifcated, 
he  himfelf  was  dripped  of  the  habit  of  freedom, 
expofed  as  a  Have  in  the  m.arket  place,  and  fold 
to  the  highed  bidder.  * 

A  merchant  of  Thrace  being  his  purchaf- 
er,  A'cander,  with  fome  other  companions  of 
didrefs,  v^as  carried  into  the  region  of  defola- 
tion  and  derility.  His  dated  employment  was, 
to  follow  the  herds  of  an  imperious  mader  ; 
and  his^fuccefs  in  hunting  was  all  that  was  al- 
lowed him  to  fupply  his  precarious  fubfidence. 
Everv  morning  waked  him  to  a  renewal  of  famine 

or 


ESSAYS.  rj 

ur  toll,  and  every  change  of  feafon  ferved  butt  o 
aggravate  his  unfhelcered  diftrefs.      After  Ton le 
years  of  bondage,  however,  an  oppormnity    of 
efcaping  offered  ;  he  embraced  it  with  ardor^  fi* 
that,  travelhng  bv  night,    and  lodging  in  cav- 
erns by  day,  to  fliorten  a  long  flory,  he  had  at 
Jaft:  arrived  at  Ronrie.     The  iame  day  on  which 
Alcander   arrived,   Scptimius  fat  adminifteri ng 
juftice  in    the    forum,    whether   our    wanderer 
came    expedling   to    be   inflantly    known    and 
publickiy  acknowledged    by  his  former  friend. 
Here  he  flood  the  whole  day  amongft  the  crowd, 
watching  the  eyes  of  the  judge,  and  cxpeding  to 
be  taken  notice  of;  but  he  was  fo    much  aher- 
ed  by  a  long  fucceQion  of  hardfhips,    that  he 
continued  unnoticed  among  the  reft  -,    and,  in 
the  evening,  when  he  was  going  up  to  the  prs- 
•tor's  chair,   he  was  brutally  repulfrd  by  the  at- 
tending lidors.     The  attention  of  the  poor  is 
generally  driven  from   one  ungrateful  objed:  to 
another  J   for  night  coming   on,    he  now  found 
himfelf  under  a  necefTicy  of  feeking  a  place  to 
lie  in,    and  yen  new  not  whereto  apply.     All 
emaciated,    and   in  rags    as  lie  was,  n9ne  of  the 
citizens  would  harbour  fo  much  wretchednefs  - 
and  Heeping  in  the    ftreets  might   be  ^attended 
with  interruption  or  danger:    In  fhor(»e  was 
obliged  to  take  up  his   lodgings  in  on^of  the 
tombs  without  the    city,    the   ufual    retreat  of 
guilt,  poverty  and  defpair.     In  this  marifjon  of 
horror,    laying    his    head  upon  an  inverted  urn 
he  forgot  his  miferies  for  a  while  in  ficepi  and 
(bund  on    his  flinty  couch,  more  cafe  than  beds 
cf  down  can  fupply  to  the  guiliy.  ^^^ 

B 


14  ESSAY     S. 

As   he  continued    here,     about    midnighf, 
two  robbers  came  to  make  this    their  retreat ; 
bur,  happening  to   difagree  about  the  devifion 
of  their    plunder,    one     of   them   dabbed   tjic 
other  to  the  heart,  and  left  him    welrering   in 
blood,  at  the  entrance.       In  thefe   circumdan- 
ces,   he  was  found  next  morning  dead    at    the 
mouth  of   the  vault.     This    naturally    induc- 
ing a  further  inquiry  ;  an   alarm  was   fpread  3 
the  cave  was  examined  ;  and  Alcander  was  ap- 
prehended,    and     accufed      of    robbery     and 
murder.     The  circumllances   againfl:  him  were 
llrong,  and  the    wretchednefs   of  his  appear- 
ance confirmed     fufpicion.       Misfortune  and 
\  he  were  now   fo    long    acquainted,   that  he  at: 
laft  became  regardlefs  of  life.      He  detefted  a 
world  where  he  had   found  only    ingratitude, 
falfehcod  and  cruelty  ;     he    was    determined 
to  make  no  defence  5  and   thus  lowering  with 
refolution  he  was   dragged   bound  with   cords, 
before    the    tribunal  of  Septimius.      As    the 
proofs  were  pofitive    againfl    him,   and  he  of- 
fered   nothing    in    his    own    vindication,    the 
judee  was  proceeding  to  doom  him    to  a  mod 
cruel    and   ignonninious    death,  when    the   at- 
tention pf  the  multitude  was  foon  diverted    br 
nnother^objecl.     The  Robber  who  had   been 
really    p-uilty,    was    apprehended     felling    his 
plunder,  and,  flruck  with  a  panick,    had  con- 
feiTed  his  crime.      Fie   was  brought   bound    to 
the  fame   tribunal,  and  acquitted  every  other 
perfon   of  any  partnerfliip    in    his  guilt.     Ai- 
cander's  innocence   therefore    appeared  ;    but 

the 


ESSAYS.  15 

(he  fallen  raflinefs  of  his  condudl  remained  a 
wonder  to  the  lurrounding  multitude  :  But 
their  allonifhment  was  ftill  further  increafed, 
wben  they  favv  their  judge  ftart  from  his  tri^ 
bunal,  to  embrace  the  fuppofed  criminal. 
Sepcimius  recollected  his  friend  and  former 
benefadlor,  and  hung  upon  his  neck  with  tears 
of  pity  and  of  joy.  Need  the  fequel  be  re- 
lated ?  Alcander  was  acquitted  ;  fhared  the 
friendfliip  and  honours  of  the  principal  citi- 
zens of  Rome ;  lived  afterwards  in  happi- 
nefs  and  eafe  ;  and  left  it  to  be  engraved  on  his 
lombj  that  no  circumftances  are  fo  defoeratc 
which  Providence  may  not  relieve. 


ESSAY      III. 

WHEN  I  refiedb  on  the  unambitious  re- 
tirement in  which  I  pafTed  the  ear- 
lier part  of  my  life  in  the  country,  I  can- 
not avoid  feeling  fome  pain  in  thinking  that 
thofe  happy  days  are  never  to  return.  In 
that  retreat  all  nature  feemed  capable  of  af- 
fording pleafure.  I  then  made  no  refinements 
on  happinefs,  but  could  be  pleafed  with  the 
mod  awkward  efforts  of  ruftick  mirth  ;  thought 
crofs  purpofes  the  higheft  flretch  of  human 
wit,  and  queftions  and  commands  the  moft 
rational  way  of  fpending  the  evening.  Hap- 
py, could  fo  charming  an  allufion  ilill  con- 
tinue !  I  find  that  age   and  knowledge   only 

contribute 


J6  ESSAYS 


kJ» 


contribute  to  four  our  dlfpontions.  M/  prcl*- 
cnt  enjoymcnrs  may  be  more  refined,  but 
they  are  infinitely  lefs  pleafing.  The  pleaf- 
lire  the  beft  a6lor  gives,  can  no  way  com- 
pare to  that  I  have  received  from  a  country 
watr,  who  imitated  a  quaker's  fermon.  The 
mufick  of  the  finger  of  the  fined  difTunance,  to 
>vhat  I  felt  when  our  old  dairy  maid  fung  mc 
into  tears  with  Johnny  Armftrong*s  Laft 
Good  night,  or  the  cruelty  of  Barbara  Allen. 

Writers  of  every  age  have  endeavoured  to 
fnow,  that  pleafure  is  in  us,  and  not  in  the 
objects  offered  for  our  amufement.  If  the 
f  foul  be  happily  difpofed,  every  thing  becomes 
capable  of  affording  entertainment,  and  dif- 
trefs  will  almoft  want  a  name.  Every  oc- 
currence pafTes  in  review  like  the  figuies  in 
a  procelTion  ;  fome  may  be  awkward,  others  ill 
dreffcd  j  but  none  but  a  fool  is  for  this  enraged 
with  the  mafter  of  the  ceremonies. 

I  remember  to  have  once  feen  a  Have  in  a  for- 
tification in  Flanders,  who  appeared  no  way 
touched  with  his  fitiiation.  He  was  maimed, 
deformifd  and  chained  ;  obilged  to  toil  from 
the  appearance  of  day  till  night  fall,  and  con- 
demned to  this  for  life  :  Yet  with  all  thefe  cir- 
cum'tances  of  apparent  wretchednefs,  he  fung, 
would  have  danced,  but  that  he  wanted  a  leg, 
and  appeared  the  merrieft  happieft  man  of  all 
the  o:arrifon.  What  a  prav5lical  philofopher  was 
here  !  an  happy  conftitution  fupplied  philofo- 
phv  ;  and  thou2;h  feemingly  deliitute  of  wif- 
dom,  he  was  really  wife.     No  reading  or  ftudy 

had 


ESSAYS.  17 

had  cofitributed  to  difcnchant  the  fairy  land 
around  him.  Every  thing  furniflied  him  with 
an  opportunity  of  mirth ;  and  though  fomc 
thought  him,  from  his  infenfibility,  a  fool,  he 
was  fuch  an  idiot  as  philofophers  Ihould  wilh 
to  imitate;  for  all  philofophy  isonly  forcing  the 
trade  of  happinefs,  when  nature  feems  to  deny 
the  means. 

They  who,  like  our  fiave,  can  place  them- 
felves  on  that  fide  of  the  world  in  which  every 
thing  appears  in  a  pleafmg  light,  will  find  fome- 
thing  in  every  occurrence  to  excite  their  good 
humour.  The  moil  calamitous  events,  either 
to  themfelves  or  others,  can  bring  no  other  af-  , 
flidion  ;  the  whole  world  is  to  them  a  theatre,  1 
on  which  comedies  only  are  aded.  All  the 
buftie  of  heroifm,  or  the  rants  of  ambition 
ferve  only  to  heighten  the  abfurdity  of  rKe  fcene, 
and  make  the  humour  more  poignant.  They 
feel,  in  fhort,  as  little  anguifh  at  their  own  dif- 
trefs  or  the  complaints  of  others,  as  the  under- 
taker, though  drelled  in  black,  feels  forrow  ac 
a  funeral. 

Of  all  the  men  I  ever  read  of,  the  famous 
Cardinal  de  Retz  pofleffed  this  happinefs  of 
temper  in  the  highell  degree.  As  he  was  a 
man  of  gallantry,  and  defpifed  all  that  wore 
the  pcdantick  appearance  of  philofophy,  where, 
ever  pleafure  was  to  be  fold,  he  was  L'enerally 
foremoR  to  raife  the  audlion.  Being  an  univer^* 
fal  admirer  of  the  fair  fex,  when  he  found  one 
lady  cruel,  he  generally  k\\  in  love  ^^^ih  an- 
other, from  whom  he  expedled  a  more  favoura^ 

D  2  b!e 


I 


iS  ESSAYS. 

ble  reception.  If  fhe  too  reje6led  his  addref- 
fes,  he  never  thought  of  retiring  into  defertSj 
or  pining  in  hopelefs  diftrefs.  He  purluaded 
himfelf,  that,  inftead  of  loving  the  lady,  he 
only  fancied  that  he  had  loved  her  ;  and  fo  all 
was  v/eli  again.  When  fortune  wore  her  an- 
grieft  look,  and  he  at  lad  fell  into  the  power 
of  his  mod  deadly  enemy,  Cardinal  Mazarine, 
(being  confined  a  clofe  prifoner  in  the  caftle 
of  Valenciennes)  he  never  attempted  to  fup- 
port  his  diftrefs  by  vvifdom  or  philofophy,  for 
he  pretended  to  neither  :  He  only  laughed  at 
himfelf  and  his  perfecutor,  and  Teemed  infinitely 
pleafed  at  his  new  fituation.  In  th.is  man- 
fion  of  diftrefs,  thouQ[h  fecluded  from  his 
friends,  though  denied  all  the  amufements, 
and  even  the  conveniences  of  life,  he  ftill  re- 
tained his  good  humour  j  laughed  at  all  the 
little  fpice  of  his  enemies  ;  and  carried  the  jeft 
fo  far  as  to  be  revenged  by  writing  the  life  of  his 
gaoler. 

All  that  the  wifdom  of  the  proud  can  teach, 
js,  to  be  ftubborn  or  fullen  under  misfortunes. 
The  Cardinal's  example  will  inftruvfl  us  to  be 
merry  in  circumftances  of  the  higheft  afflidlion. 
It  matters  not  whether  our  good  humour  be 
conftrued  by  others  into  infenfibility,  or  even 
idiotifmj  it  is  happinefs  to  ourfelves  ;  and  none 
but  a  fool  would  meafure  his  fatisfaction  by 
what  the  world  thinks  of  it.  For  mv  own  parr, 
I  never  pafs  by  one  of  our  prifons  for  debt,  that 
I  do  not  envy  that  felicity  which  is  ilill  going 
forward    among  thofe  people  who  forget   the 

cares 


ESSAYS.  19 

cares  of  the  worlds  by  being  fhut  out  from  its 
ainbition. 

The  happiefl:  filly  fellow  I  ever  knew,  was 
of  the  number  of  thofe  good  narured  creatures 
that  are  faid  to  do  no  harm  to  any  but  them- 
feives.  Whenever  he  fell  into  any  mifery,  he 
ufually  called  it  feeing  life.  If  his  head  was 
broke  by  a  chairman,  or  his  pocket  picked  by  a 
fharper,  he  comforted  himfeifby  imitating  the 
Hybernian  diaie(rt  of  the  one,  or  the  more  fafh- 
ionable  cant  of  the  other.  Nothing  came  amifs 
to  him.  His  inattention  to  money  matters  had 
incenfed  his  father  to  fuch  a  degree,  that  all  the 
intercefiion  of  friends  in  his  favour  was  fruitlefs. 
The  old  gentleman  was  on  his  death  bed.  The 
whole  family,  and    Dick   among  the   number, 

gathered  around  him, "  I  leave  my  fecond 

fon,  Andrew,"  faid  the  expiring  mifer,  **  my 
whole  eftate,  and  defire  him  to  be  frugal/* 
Andrew,  in  a  forrowful  tone,  as  is  ufual  on  thefe 
occafions,  prayed  Heaven  to  prolong  his  life,  and 
health  to  enjoy  it  himfelf.  *'  I  recomm.end  Si- 
^'  mon,  my  third  fon,  to  the  care  of  his  elded 
**  brother,  and  leave  him,  befides,  four  ihoufand 
'•pounds.''  *' Ah  !  father,  cried  Simon,  (in 
great  affliction  to  be  furt)  '*may  Heaven  give 
**  you  life  and  health  to  enjoy  it  yourfelf/*  At 
lafl,  turning  to  poor  Dick,  **  As  for  you,  you 
*•  have  always  been  a  fad  dog  ;  you'll  nevcrcome 
*'  to  good  ;  you'll  never  be  rich  :  TJl  leave  you 
''  a  fliiliing  to  buy  a  halter."  "' Ah  !  father," 
cries  Dick,  without  any  emotion,  *'  m.ay  Heaven 
*^  give  you  life  and  health  to  enjoy  ityourfelf." 

This 


C©  ESSAYS. 

This  was  all  the  trouble  the  lofs  of  fortune  gave  , 
this  thoughtiell:  imprudent  creature.   However,  ' 
the  tend^rnefi  oi  an  uncle  recompenfed  the  neg- 
left  of  a  father  ;  and  my  friend  is  now  not  only 
excelTively  good    humoured,     but    completely 
rich. 

Yes,  let  the  v/orld  cry  out  a  bankrupt  who 
appears  at  a  ball  ;  at  an  author  who  laughs 
at  the  publick  which  pronounces  him  a  dunce  ; 
at  a  general  who  fmiles  at  the  reproach  of  the 
vulgar  ;  or  the  lady  who  keeps  her  good  hu- 
mour in  fpite  of  Icandal  ;  but  fuch  is  the  wif- 
eft  behaviour  that  any  of  us  can  pofTibly  af- 
jure  :  It  is  certainly  a  better  way  to  oppofe 
calamity  by  difiipaiion,  than  to  take  up  the 
arms  of  reafon  or  refolurion  to  oppofe  it.  By 
the  firfb  method,  we  forget  our  mifcries  ;  by 
the  lad,  we  only  conceal  them  from  others. 
By  ftruggling  with  misfortunes,  we  are  fure 
to  receive  fome  wounds  in  the  confliclj  but 
a  fure  method  to  come  off  victorious,  is  by 
lunning  away. 


ESSAY     IV. 

REMEMBER  to  have  read  in  fome  philof- 
opher,  (I  believe  in  Tom  Brown's  works) 
that,  let  a  man's  chara6ler,  fentimenis,  or  com- 
plexion, be  what  they  will, -he  can  find  compa- 
ny in  London  to  match  them.  If  he  be  fplene- 
tick  he  may  every  day  meet  companions  on  the 

I'trats 


ESSAYS.  21 

feats  in  St.  James's  Park,  with  whofe  rroans  he 
may  mix  h]s  own,  and  pathetically  tatk  of  the 
weather.  If  he  be  pafTjonate,  he  may  vent  his 
rage  among  the  old  orators  at  Slaughter's  coffee 
houfe,  and  damn  the  nation,  becaufe  it  keeps 
him  from  (larving.  If  he  be  phiegmarirk,  he 
may  (it  in  filence  at  the  Humdrum  club  in  Ivy 
Lane  ;  and  if  adtuaily  mad,  he  may  find  vtry 
good  company  in  Moorficlds  either  at  Bedlam 
or  the  foundary  ready  to  cultivate  a  nearer  ac- 
quaintance. 

Bur,  although  fuch  as  have  a  knowledge  of 
the  town,  may  eafiiy  clafs  ihemfelves  with  tem- 
pers congenial  to  their  own  ;  a  countryman 
who  comes  to  live  in  London,  finds  nothing 
more  difficult.  With  regard  to  mvfelf,  none 
ever  tried  vyith  more  affiduity,  or  came  off  with 
fuch  indifferent  fuccefs.  1  fpent  one  whole 
feafon  in  the  fearch,  during  which  time,  my 
name  has  been  enrolled  in  f«)cieties,  lodges,  cor- 
vocations,  and  meetings,  wkhout  number.  To 
fome  I  was  introduced  by  a  friend,  to  others 
invited  by  an  advertifement  ;  to  thefe  I  intro- 
duced myfelf,  and  to  thole  I  changed  my  name 
to  gain  admitrance.  In  fhort,  no  coquette  v.as 
ever  more  foiicitous  to  match  her  ribbons  to  her 
complexion,  than  I  to  fuit  my  club  to  my  tem- 
per J  for  I  was  too  obilinate  to  bring  my  temper 
to  conform  to  it. 

The  firft  club  I  entered  upon  coming  to 
town,  was  that  of  the  Choice  Spirits.  The 
name  was  entirely  fuited  to  m^v  tafie  :  I  was  a 
lover  of  mirth  good  humour,  and  even  fome- 
times  of  fun  from  mv  childhood.  As 


«2  ESSAYS. 

As  no  Other  pafTporc  was  requifite  but  the 
payment  of  two  Ihill.ngs  ac  the  door,  1  intro- 
duced myfelf,  without  further  ceremony,  to 
the  members,  who  were  already  afTembled,  and 
had,  for  fome  time,  begun  upon  bufmefs.  The 
Grand,  with  a  mallet  in  his  hand,  prefided  an 
the  head  of  the  table.  I  could  not  avoid,  up- 
on my  entrance,  making  ufeofalimy  ikili  ia 
phyfiognomy,  in  order  to  dilcover  that  fupe- 
riority  of  genius  ill  men,  who  had  taken  a  ti- 
tle fo  fuperior  to  the  reft  of  mankind.  I  ex- 
pefled  to  fee  the  lines  of  every  face  marked 
with  ftrons:  thinking  ;  but  though  I  had  fome 
flcill  in  this  fcience,  I  could  Cor  my  li^e  difcover 
nothing  but  a  pert  fimper,  fat^  or  profound 
flupidity. 

My  fpeculations  were  foon  interrupted  by 
the  Grand,  who  had  knocked  down  Mr.  Sprig- 
gins  for  a  fong.  It  was,  upon'this,  whifpered 
by  one  of  the  company  who  kt  next  me,  that 
I  fliould  now  fee  fomething  touched  off  to  a 
nicety,  for  Mr.  Spriggins  was  going  to  give 
us  Mad  Tom  in  all  its  glory,  Mr.  Spriggins 
endeavoured  to  excufe  himfelf  j  for  as  he  was  to 
ad  a  madman  and  a  king,  it  was  impoffiblc  to 
go  through  the  part  properly  without  a 
crown,  and  chains.  His  excufes  were  over- 
ruled by  a  great  majority,  and  with  much  vocif- 
eration. The  prefident  ordered  up  the  jack 
chain,  and  inftead  of  a  crown,  our  performer 
covered  his  brows  with  an  inverted  Jordan. 
After  he  had  rattled  his  chain,  and  fliook  his 
head;  to  ihe  great  delight  of  the  whole  compa- 


ESSAYS.  23 

ny,  he  began  his  fong.  ■  As  I  have  heard  few 
youn^  fellows  oiter  to  fm^y  in  company  that  did 
not  expole  theinfclves,  ic  w.is  no  greac  difap- 
pointmciu  to  me  to  ftoJ  Mr.  Spriggins  amon;^ 
the  number  ;  however,  not  to  feem  an  odd  fiih, 
1  role  from  my  feat  in  rapture,  criedout  Bravo  ! 
Encore  !  and  flapped  the  tabic  as  loud  as  any  of 
the  red. 

I'he  centleman  who  fat  next  me,  feemed 
highly  pleafed  with  my  rafle,  and  the  ardor  ct 
my  approbation  ;  and  whifpering,  told  me,  that 
1  had  iuffered  an  immenfe  lofs  ;  for  had  I  come 
a  few  minutes  fooner,  I  might  have  heard  Geeha 
Dobbin  fung  in  a  tiptop  manner,  by  the  pimple 
nofed  fpirit  at  the  prefident's  right  elbow  ;  but 
he  was  evaporated  before  I  came. 

As  I  v»'as  exprelTingmy  iineafinefs  at  this  dif- 
appointment,  I  found  the  attention  of  the  com- 
pany employed  upon  a  fat  figure,  who,  with  a 
voice  more  rough  than  the  Stafford fhi re  gianr, 
was  giving  us  *^  The  fofcly  Aveer,  in  Lydian 
meafure,"  of  Alexander's  Feaft.  After  a  fliorfc 
paufe  of  admiration,  to  this  fucceeded  a  Wei  fh 
dialogue,  with  the  humours  of  Teague  and  Taf- 
fy :  After  that  came  on  old  Jackfon,  with  a  (lory 
bct^veen  every  ftanza  :  Next  was  fung  the  Dud- 
carr,  and  then  Solomon's  Sons'.  The  i^lafs  be- 
gan  now  to  circulate  pretty  freely  ;  thole  who 
were  filent  when  fober,  would  now  be  heard  in 
their  turn  :  Every  man  had  his  fong,  and  he  fav/ 
no  reafon  whv  he  fliould  not  be  heard  as  well  as 
any  of  the  re(h  One  beoged  to  be  heard  while 
he  gave  deadi  and  the  lady  in  high  tade  :  An- 
other    - 


<2,±  t.     S     S     A     Y     o» 

©thcr  fang  to  a  plate,  which  he  kept  trundling 
on  cne  eds-es.  Nothing  was  now  heard  but 
Tinging  :  Voice  role  above  voice,  till  the  whole 
becaiTi;^  one  univerfal  (hoot,  when  the  landlord 
came  to  acquaint  the  company  that  rhe  reckon- 
ing was  drank  out.  Rebclais  calls  the  moment: 
in  which  a  reckoning  is  mentioned,  the  moll 
melancholy  of  our  lives  :  Never  was  fo  much 
noife  i^o  quickly  quelled,  as  by  this  fliort  but 
pachetick  oration  of  our  landlord.  Drank  out ! 
was  eclioed  in  a  tone  of  difcontent  round  the' 
table.  Drank  out  already  !  that  was  very  odd  1 
that  fo  much  punch  could  be  drank  out  alrea- 
dy !  impoOiblc  !  the  landlord,  however,  feem- 
ing  refolved  not  to  re  trad:  from  his  firft  alTur- 
an'ces,  the  company  was  diflblved,  and  a  prefi- 
dent  chofen  for  the  night  enfuing. 

A  friend  of  mine,  to  whom  I  was  complain- 
ing fomc  time  after  of  the  entertainment  1  have 
been  defcribing,  propofed  to  bring  me  to  the 
club  that  he  frequented  j  which,  he  fancied, 
would  fuit  the  gravity  of  my  temper  exadly. 
<'  We  have  at  the  Muzzy  Club,"  fays  he,  ''  no 
"  riotous  mirth  nor  awkward  ribaldry  j  no  con- 
"  fufion  or  bawling  ;  all  is  conduced  with  wif- 
«*  dom  and  decency  :  Befides  fome  of  our  mem- 
''  bers  are  worth  forty  thoufand  pounds  :  Men 
''  of  prudence  and  forefight  every  one  of  them  : 
^^'  Thcfe  are  the  proper  acquaintance,  and  to  fuch. 
<'  I  will  to  night  introduce  you."  1  was  charm- 
ed at  the  piopofal  :  To  be  acquainted  with  men 
worth  forty  thoufand  pounds,  and  to  talk  wif- 
clom  the  whole  night,  were  offers  that  threw  mc, 
into  rapture.  ^"    '' 


ESSAYS.  25 

At  ft^vcn  o'clock  I  was  accordingly  introduc- 
ed by  my  friend,  not  indeed  to  ilie  company  ; 
for  though  I  made  my  bed  bow,  they  I'eemcd 
infenfible  of  my  approach  but  to  the  table  ac 
which  they  were  fitting.  Upon  my  entering 
the  room,  I  could  notavoid  feeling  afecret  ven- 
eration from  the  folemnity  of  thefcene  before 
me  :  The  members  kept  a  profound  filcnce5eacli 
with  a  pipe  in  his  mouth  and  a  pewter  pot  in 
Iiis  hand,  and  with  faces  that  might  cafily  be 
conftrued  into  abfolute  wifdom.  Happy  focietv, 
thought  I  to  myfelf,  where  the  members  think 
before  they  fpeak,  deliver  nothing  rafiily,  buc 
convev  their  thoughts  to  each  other,  pre<>nanc 
with  meaning,  and  matured   by  reHedlion. 

In  thispleafing  [peculation  I  continued  a  full 
half  hour,  expeding  each  moment  that  fome- 
body  would  begin  to  open  his  mouth.  Every 
time  the  pipe  was  laid  down,  I  cxpeded  it  was 
to  fpeak  ;  but  it  was  only  to  fpit.  At  length, 
refoiving  to  break  the  charm  myfelf,  and  over- 
come their  extreme  difBdence,  (for  to  this  1  im- 
puted their  filence)  I  rubbed  my  hands,  and 
looking  as  wife  as  pouible,  obferved,  that  the 
nights  began  to  grow  a  little  coolifn  at  this  time 
of  the  year.  This,  as  it  was  directed  to  none  of 
the  company  in  particular,  none  thought  him,-. 
fejf  obliged  to  anfwer  ;  wherefore,  I  continued 
ftill  to  rub  m^y  hands  and  look  wife.  My  nexc 
effort  was  addreffed  to  a  gentleman  Vv'ho  fat  next 
me  :  To  whom  I  obferved  t!iat  the  beer  was  ex- 
treme good  :  My  neighbour  made  no  reply,  bun 
by  a  large  pull' of  tobacco  fmokc, 

c  J 


:6  ESSAY     S. 

I  now  began  to  be  uneafy  in  this  dunnb  foci- 
cty,  till  one  of  rhem  a  little  relieved  nne,  by  ob~ 
ferving,  that  bread  had  not  rifcn  thefe  three 
weeks. — ''Ay,"  fays  another,  ftill  keeping  the 
pipe  in  his  mouth,  **  that  puts  me  in  mind  of  a 
^^pleafant  ftory  about  that — hem — very  well  y 
"  you  mufl:  know — but,  before  I  begin — Sir^ 
*'  my  fervice  to  you — where  was  1  ?" 

My  next  ciub  goes  by  the  namiC  of  Hawno- 
nical  Society  ;  probably  from  that  love  of  or-i 
der  and  friendOiip  v.^hich  every  perfon  com- 
mends in  inftitutions  of  this  nature.  Theland- 
]ord  Vv'as  himfelf  founder.  The  money  fpent 
is  four  pence  each  ;  and  they  fometimes  whip 
for  a  double  reckoning.  To  this  club  few  re- 
commendations are  requifite,  except  the  intro- 
dudlory  four  pence  and  my,  landlord's  good 
word,  vvliich  as  he  gains  by  it  lie  never  rcfufes. 

We  all  here  talked  and  behaved  as  every  bo- 
dy elfe  ufually  does  on  his  club  night  ;  we  dif- 
cufled  the  ropick  of  the  day,  drank  each  other's 
healths,  fnufFed  the  candles  with  our  fingers, 
and  filled  our  pipes  from  the  fame  plate  of  to- 
bacco. The  company  faluted  each  other  in  the 
common  manner.  Mr.  Bellowfmender  hoped 
Mr.  Currycombmaker  had  not  caught  cold  go- 
ing home  the  laft  club  night  ;  and  he  returned 
the  compliment,  by  hoping  i hat  young  Mr.  Bel- 
lowfmender had  got  well  of  the  chin  cough. 
DodorTwifl:  told  us  a  (lory  of  a  parliament 
man  with  whom  he  was  intimately  acquainted  ; 
while  the  bug  man,  at  the  fame  time,  was  tell- 
'ng  a  better  ftory  of  a  noble  lord  with  whom  he 

could 


ESSAYS,  .'^7 

could  do  any  thing.  A  gentleman  in  a  black 
wig  and  leather  breeches,  at  the  other  end  cF 
the  table,  was  engaged  in  a  long  narrative  of 
the  Ghoft  in  Cocklane  :  He  had  read  it  in  ,the 
papers  of  the  day,  and  was  telling  it  to  Ibme 
that  fat  next  him  who  could  not  read.  Near 
him  Mr.  Dibbings  was  difpucing  on  the  old 
fubjedl  of  religion  with  a  Jew  a  pedlar  over  the 
table,  while  the  prefident  in  vain  knocked  down 
Mr.  Leatherfides  for  afong.  Befides  the  com- 
binations of  taefe  voices,  which  I  could  hear  al- 
together, and  which  formed  an  upper  part  to 
the  concert,  there  were  feveral  othtrs  playini; 
under  parts  by  themfelves,  and  endeavouring  la 
faften  on  fome  luckiefs  neighbour's  ear,  uho 
was  himfelf  bent  upon  the  fame  defign  againft 
fome  other.  ^ 

We  have  often  heard  of  the  fpeech  of  a  cor- 
poration and  this  induced  me  to  tranfcribe  a 
fpeech  of  this  club,  taken  in  fiiort  hand,  word 
for  word,  as  it  was  fpokcn  by  every  member  of 
the  company.  Ic  may  be  neceiTary  to  obferve, 
that  the  man  who  told  of  the  ghofl  had  the  loud- 
eit  voice,  and  the  longed  flory  to  tell,  fo  that 
his  continuing  narrative  filled  every  chafm  in 
the  converfation^ 

*' So,  Sir,  d'ye  perceive  me,  the  ghofl  giv^ 
ing  three  loud  raps  at  the  bed  poft— Says  my 
>ord  to  me,  my  dear  Smokeum,  yOu  know  there 
is  no  man  upon  the  face  of  theyearth  for' whom 
I  have  lb  high — Adamnable  falfe  heretical  opin^- 
ion  of  ail  found  do(5i:rine  and  good  learning  ; 
for  I'll  tell  ic  aloud,  and  fpare  not  that — Silen°cc 

for 


t3  ESSAYS. 

for  afong  ;  Mr.  Leatherfides  for  a  fong — *^  A3 
1  was  walking  upon  the  highway,  I  met  a  young 
damfcr* — Then  what  brings  you  here  ?  fays  ihd 
peribn  to  the  ghoft — Sanconiathan,  Manetho, 
and  Berofus — The  whole  way  from  Iflington 
turnpike  to  Doghoufe  bar — Dam — As  for  Abel 
Drugger,  Sir,  he*s  dam'd  low  in  it ;  my  'pren- 
tice boy  has  more  ot  the, gentleman  than  he — 
For  murder  will  out  one  time  cr  another ; 
and  none  but  a  ghofl,  you  knc  ,  gentlemen, 
can — Damme  if  I  doh*t  :  For  my  tl-iend,  whom 
you  know,  gentlemen,  and  who  is  a  parliament 
man,  a  si-ian  of confequence,  a  dear  hohefl  crea- 
turrj  to  be  fure  :  We  were  laughing  lail  night 
:;: — Dea^h  and  damnation  upon  all  [lis  poflerity, 
by  fimply  barely  tailing — Sour  grapes  as  the  fox 
faid  once  when  he  could  not  reach  them  :  And 
I'll,  I'll  tell  you  a  (lory  about  that,  that  wil] 
rn'ike  you  burft  your  fides  with  laughing  :  A  fox 
once — Will  nobody  liften  to  the  fong — ^  As   I 

*  was  a  walking  upon  the  highway,  I  met  a  young 

*  damfelboth  buxon^  and  gay' — No  ghoft  gen- 
tlemen, can  be  miUrdercd  j  nor  did  I  ever  hear 
but  of  one  ghod  killed  in  all  my  life,  and  that 
^vas  dabbed  in  the  belly  v/ith  a — My  blood  and 
foul  if  1  don't — Mr»  Bellowfmender,  I  have 
the  honour  ofdrinki.ng  your  very  good  health — 
Blaft  me  if  I  do — damn — blood — bugs— fire — 

whiz — ^blid — tit — rat— trip The  reft  all  riot, 

nonfenfe,  and  rapid  confufion. 

Were  I  to  be  angry  at  men  for  being  fools, 
I  could  here  find  ample  room  for  declamation  ; 
but  alas  !    I  have  been  afoolmyfclf;  and  why 

ihouM  * 


S     S     A    Y    S.  29 1 


ihould  I  be  angry  with   them    for  being  fome-. 
thing  lb  natural  to  every  child  of  luimanity  ? 

Fatigued  with  this  fociety,    1  was  introduce. 
the  following  night,  to  a  club  offaQiion.     C 
taking  my  place,  found  the  converfaiion   fufn.^ 
cientiy  eafy,    and    tolerably  good  natured  ;  fo 
my  Lord  and  Sir  Paul  were  not  yet  arrived.     I 
now  thought  myfelf  completely  fitted^  and.  re- 
folving  to  feek  no  further,  determined  to  take  up 
my  refidence  here  for  the  winter  ;  while  my  tem- 
per began  to  open  infenfibly  to  the  cheerfulnefs 
I  faw  diff iifed  on  every  face  in  the  room  :     But 
the  delufion  foonvani  (lied,  when  the  waiter  catne 
to  apprize  us,  that  his  Lordfliio  and  Sir  Paul  had 
jufb  arrived. 

From  this  moment  all  our  felicity  was  at  an 
end  ;  our  new  gueils  buftled  into  the  room,  and 
rook  their  feats  at  the  head  of  the  table.  Adieu 
now  all  confidence  :  Every  creature  ftrove  who 
fliould  mod  recommend  himfelf  to  our  mem- 
bers of  diftindion.  Each  feemed  quite  regard- 
lefs  of  pleafing  any  but  our  new  guflls  :  And, 
what  before  wore  the  appearance  of  friendfhip 
was  novv  turned  into  rivalry. 

Yet  1  could  not  obferve,  thar,  amidft  all  this 
flattery  and  obfequlous  attention,  our  great  men^ 
took  any  notice  of  the  red  of  the  company. 
Their  whole  difcourfe  was  addrefled  to  each 
other.  Sir  Paul  told  his  Lordfliip  a  long  dory 
of  Moravia  the  Jew;  and  his  Lordfhip  gave 
Sir  Paul  a  very  long  account  of  his  nev/  meth- 
od of  managing  filk  worms  :  lie  led  him,  and 
coni'equentiv  the  red  of  the  company,    through 

C  2  air 


,.,;.o  ESSAYS, 


,.U^  J-i  •-^  •-'  *X  X  <J» 


Jail  the  (lages  of  feeding,  funning,  and  hatching  ; 

with  an  epifode  on  mulberry  trees,  a  digrcfTicn 
'  upon  grafs  feeds,  and  a  long  parenthefis  about 
j  his  new  poilillion.     In  this  manner  we  travelled 

on,  wifhing  every  (lory  to  be  the  laft  j    but  all 

in  vain, 

"  Hills  over  hills,    and  Alps  on  Alpi    arofe.'* 

The  lad  club  in  which  I  was  enrolled  a  mem- 
ber, was  a  fociety  of  moral  philofophers,  as  they 
f  called  themfelves,  who  afTembled  twice  a  week 
in  order  to  fhow  the  ablurdity  of  the  prefenc 
mode  of  religion,  and  ellablifh  a  new  one  in  its 
flead. 

I  found  the  members  very  warmly  difputing 
v/hen  I  arrived  ;  not  indeed  about  religion  or 
ethicks,  butaboutwhohadnegleftedto  lay  down 
his  preliminary  fixpence  upon  entering  the  room. 
The  prefident  fwore  that  he  had  laid  his  own 
down,  and  fo  fwore  all  the  company. 

During  this  conteii,  I  had  an  opportunity  of 
obferving  the  laws  and  alfo  the  members  of  the 
focietv.  The  prefident,  who  had  been,  as  I  was 
told  lately  a  bankrupt,  was  a  tall  pale  figure^, 
with  a  long  black  wig  :  The  next  to  him  was 
drefled  in  a  large  white  wig  and  a  black  cravat; 
a  third  by  the  brownnefs  of  his  complexion, 
feemed  a  native  of  Jamaica;  and  a  fourth,  by  his 
hue,  appeared  to  be  a  blackfmith.  But  their 
rules  will  give  the  moftjuft  idea  of  their  learn- 
ing and  principles. 

I.  Wc  being  a  laudable  fociety  of  moral  phi- 
iofophcrs^  intend  to  difpute  twice  a  week  about 

religion 


ESSAYS.  y} 

^  religion  and  prieftcrafc  ;  leaving  behind  us  old 
wives'  tales,  and  following  good  learning  and 
foundfenfc:  And  iffo  be,  that  any  other  perfons 
has  a  mind  to  be  ofthcfociety,  theyilaall  beenti- 
tied  fo  to  do,  upon  paying  the  fuai  of  three  fhii- 
lings,  to  be  fpent  by  the  company  in  punch. 

II.  That  no  member  get  drunk  before  nine 
of  the  clock,  upon  pain  of  forfeiting  three  pence, 
to  be  fpent  by  the  company  in  punch. 

III.  That  as  members  are  fometimes  apt  to 
go  awaywithout  paying,  every  perfon  fhall  pay 
fix  pence  i\j^'i^Jhis  entering  the  room  j  and  all 
difpuces  fhall'be  fettled  by  a  majority  ;  and  all 
fines  fhall  be  paid  in  punch. 

IV.  That  fix  pence  lliall  be  every  night  giv- 
en to  the  prefident,  in  order  to  buy  books  of 
learning  for  the  good  of  the  fociety  :  The  pre- 
fident iiis  already  put  himfelf  to  a  good  deal  of 
expenfe  in  buyino;  books  for  the  club  ;  particu- 
larly the  works  of  Tully,  Socrates  and  Cicero, 
which  we  will  foonij^^  to  the  fociety. 

V.  All  them  who  brings  a   new   argument 
againfl  religion,  and  who,    being  a  philofopher 
and  awa|j  of  learning,    as  the  reft  of  us  is,  (hall 
be  admitted  fo  the  freedom  of  the  fociety,  upon 
paying^Qx  pence  only  tp  be  fpent  in  punch. 

VI.  Whenever  we  areio^haye  an  e-xtraordinary 
meeting,  it  Ihall  be  adverti,l^d;^y,  fome  outland- 
iHi  name  in   he  newfpapersvjK^-'  ' 

Saunders  Mac  Wild,  Prefident. 

Anthony  Blewit,  Vice  Prefident* 
his  J  mark, 
,  Wil;,iam  Turpi n^  Secretaiy. 

\  ESSAX 


o 


t  ESSAY    S. 


ESSAY      V. 

T  is  ufuallyfaid  by  grammarians,  that  the. ufe 
^_^  of  language  is  to  exprcfs  our  wants  and  de- 
lires;  but  men  who  know  the  world,  hold,  and 
I  think  with  feme  fhewof  reafon,  that  he  who 
bed  knows  how  to  keep  his  nectrlfities  private, 
is  the  mod  likely  perfon  to  have  them  redrelTed  ; 
and  that  the  true  uTe  offpeech  is  not  lb  aiuch  to 
exprefs  our  wants,  as  to  conceal  them. 

When  we  rerledl  on  the  manner  in  which  man* 
kind  generally  confer  their  fiivours,  there  ap- 
pears Ibmeching  Co  attradtive  in  riches,  that  the 
large  heap  generally  collects  from  the  fmaller  : 
and  the  poor  find  as  much  pleafure  in  increafing 
the  enormous  mafs  of  the  rich,  as  the  mifer,  who 
owns  it,  lees  happinefs  in  its  increafe.  Nor  is 
there  in  this  any  thing  repugnant  to  the  lav/s  of 
morality.  Seneca  himlelf  allows,  that  in  con- 
ferring benefits  the  prefent  fhould  always  be 
fuited  to  the  d'gnity  of  the  receiver.  Thus, 
the  rich  receive  large  prefencs,  and  are  thanked 
for  accepting  them.  Men  of  m»iddling  Rations 
are  obliged  to  be  content  with  prefencs,  fome- 
thi ng  Iffs  ;  while  the  beggar,  who  may  be  truly 
faidtowant  indeed,  is  well  paid  if  a  farthing 
rewards  his  warmeft  folicitations. 

Every  man  who  has  (cen  the  world,  and  has 
had  his  ups  and  downs  in  life,  as  the  exprefnon 
is,  m'jfl  have  frequently  experienced  the  truth 
of  this  dodlrine,  and  mult  know,  that  to  have 
mych/or  to  feem  to  have  ir^  is  the  only  way   to 

ha\'xi. 


ESSAYS. 


have  more.  Ovid  fint^ly-  compares"  a  man  cf 
broken  fortune  to  a  falling  column  ;  the  lower 
it  finks,  the  greater  is  that  weight  it  is  oblioed 
to  fullain.  Thus  when  a  man*s  circumlUnces 
are  luch  that  he  has  no  occafion  to  borrow,  lie 
finJs  numibcrs  willing  to  lend  him  j  but,  fhould 
his  wants  be  fuch  that  he  fues  for  a  trifie,  it  is 
tv/o  to  one  whether  he  may  be  trufted  with  the 
f mulled  fum. 

A  certain  young  fellow  whom  I  knew,  when- 
ever he  had  occafion  to  afl;  his  friend  a  , guinea, 
11  fed  to  prelude  his  requeft  as  if  nc  wanted 
two  hundred  j  and  talked  fo  familiar  of  large 
fums,  that  none  could  ever  think  he  wanted  a 
fmall  one.  The  fame  gentleman,  whenever  he 
wanted  credit  for  a  fuit  of  clothes,  always  made 
the  propofal  in  a  laced  coat ;  for  he  found  by 
experience,  that  if  he  appeared  fhabby  on  thefe 
occafions,  his  taylor  had  taken  an  oath  againfl 
truQing  ;  or  what  was  every  whic  as  bad,  his 
foreman  v^as  out  of  the  v/ay,  and  would  not  be  at 
home  for  fome  time. 

There  can  be  no  inducements  to  reveal  our 
wants,  except  to  find  pity,  and  by  thefe  means 
relief;  but  before  a  poor  rrian  opens  his  mind  in 
fuch  circumftances,  he  fliould  firil  confider  whe- 
ther he  is  contented  to  loofe  the  efleem  of  the 
perfon  he  folicits,  and  whether  he  is  willing  to 
give  up  friendOiip  to  excite  comipafTion.  Pity 
and  friend (liip  are  pafTions  incompatible  with 
each  other  ;  and  it  is  impofTible  that  both  can 
refule  in  any  bread,  for  the  fmalltd  fpace,  with- 
out impairinQ:  each  other.     Friendflaip  is  ma^c 

up 


^4 


ESSAYS.  \ 


vp  of  efteem  and  pleafure  ;  pity  is  compofed  o( 
forrow  andconccmpt;  the  mind  may  for  fome 
time,  fludtuatt  between  ihem,  buc  it  can  never 
cntj^rcain  both  at  once. 

In  fa^l,  pity,  though  it  may  often  relieve,  is 
but  at  bell  a  fliorc  lived  pafTion,  and  feidom  af- 
fords didrefs  more  than  a  tranfitory  affiflance  : 
With  fome,  it  fcarce  lafts  from  the  rirll  impulfe 
till  the  hand  can  be  put  into  the  poci<et  -,  with 
others,  it  may  continue  for  twice  that  fpace  ; 
and  on  fome  of  extraordinary  fenfibility,  I  have' 
i'ctn  it  operate  for  halfan  hour  together.  ButftiJI, 
Idil  as  it  may,  it  generally  produces  but  beggar- 
ly effecls:  And  where,  from  this  motive,  we  give' 
Hve  farthings,  from  others,  we  give  pounds. 
Whatever  be  our  feelings  from  the  firil  impulfe 
ofdidrefs,  when  the  fame  diilrefs  folicits  a  fe- 
cond  time,  we  then  feel  with  diminifhed  fenfi- 
bility j  and  like  the  repetition  of  an  echo,  every 
flroke  becomes  weaker]  till  at  lad  our  fenfations 
lofe  all  mixture  of  forrow,  and  degenerate  into 
downright  contempt. 

Thele  speculations  bring  to  my  mind  the 
fate  of  a  very  good  nacured  fellow,  who  is  now 
no  more.  He  was  bred  in  a  counting  houfe, 
and  his  father  dying  juft  as  he  was  out  of  his 
time,  left  him  a  handfome  fortune*  and  many 
friends  to  advife  with.  The  reftraint'in  which 
my  friend  had  been  brought  up,  had  thrown  a 
gloom  upon  his  temper,  which  fome  regarded 
as  prudence  ;  and  from  fuch  confideraiions  he 
had  every  day  repeated  offers  of  friend fhip. 
Such  as  had  ready  money,  werereadj to  offer  hini 

their 


ESSAYS.  35 

their  afTiilance  that  way  ;  and  they  who  had 
daughters,  freqiienily  in  the  warmth  of  af- 
fection, advifed  hiin  to  nnarry.  My  friend,  how- 
ever, was  in  good  cifcumn:an(!es  ;  he  wanted 
neither  money,  friends,  nor  a  wife  ;  and  therafore 
modeflly  declined  their  propofal. 

Some  errors,  however,  in  the  management  of 
his  affairs,  and  feveral  lofles  in  trade,  foon 
brought  him  to  a  different  way ofthinking:  And 
he  at  laff  confidered,  that  it  was  his  bed  way  to 
let  his  friends  know  that  their  offers  were  at 
length  acceptable.  His  firfl:  addrefs  was  to  a 
fcrivener,  who  had  formerly  made  him  frequenjL 
offers  of  money  and  friendfhip,  at  a  time  wfiert'' 
perhaps  he  knew  thofe  offers  would  have  been 
refufed.  As  a  man,  therefore,  conHdent  of  not 
being  refufed,  he  requeftedrhe  ufe  of  an  hundred 
guineas  for  a  few  days  as  he  had    juft  then   had 

'occafion  formoney.  "And  pray  Sir/'  replied  the 
fcrivener,  ''  do  you  want  all  this  money  r" 
"  Want  it.  Sir,*'  fays  the  other,  '*  if  I  did  not 
'^  want  it,  I  fnould  not  have  affced  it."  "  I  am 
"  forry  for  that,"  fays  the  friend,  *'  for  thdfe  who 
*'  want  money  when  tliey    borrow,  will  always 

\*^  want  money  when  they  ffiould  come  to  pay. 

}"  To  fay  the  trfith,  Sir,  money  is  money  now  ; 
"  and  I  believe  itis  all  lunk  in  the  bottom  of  the 
*^  fca,  for  my  part  ;  he  thathas  cot  a  little,  is  a 
*'  fool  if  he  does  not  keep  what  he  has  got.'* 

Not  quite  difconcerted  by  this  refulal,  onr 
adventurer  was  refolved  to  apply  to  another, 
whom  he  knew  was  the  very  beff  friend  he  had 
4fi  the  world.   The  gentleman  whom  he  now  ad- 

dreffcd. 


-^,6  ESSAY     S, 


o 


dreHfed,  received  his  propofal  with  all  the   affa- 
bility that  could    be   expeded    from    generous 
frienddiip.    ''  Let  me  lee,  you  want  an  hundred 
*'  guineas  ;  and  pray  dear  Jack,  would  not  tifry 
*'  anfwer?"  ^'Ifyou  have  but  fifty  to  fpare.  Sir, 
"  I  mtift  be  coniented."    ''  Fifty  to  fpare  1  1  do 
*'  not  fay  that,  for  1  believe  I  have  but  twenty 
''  about  me."    ''  Then  1  muft  borrow  the  other 
''  thirty  from  fome  other  friend."  *'  And  pray," 
replied  the  friend,  "  would  it  not   be  the   belt 
<*  way  to  borrow  the  whole  money   from    that  ^ 
**  other  friend,  and  then  one  note  will  ferve  for 
''all,  you  know  ?  You  know,  my  dear  Sir,  that 
**you   need   make    no    ceremony    with    me   at 
*'  any  time  j  you  know  I'm  your    friend  ;   and  ) 
<'  when  you  choofc  a  bit  of  dinner,  or  fo — You  " 
"  Tom,  fee.  the  gentleman  down — You    won't  i 
^*  forget  to  dine  with  us  now   and    then — Your 
*'  humble  fervant." 

DiilrefTed  but  not  difcouraged  at  this  treat-  j 
ment,  he  was  at  laft  refolved  to  find  that  aflift-  j 
anee  from  love,  which  he  could  not  havefromi 
friendfhip.  A  young  lady  adillant  relation  by, 
the  mother's  (ide,  had  her  fortune  in  her  own, 
hands  ;  and  as  (he  had  already  made  all  thead^v 
vances  that  her  fex's  modefty  would  permit,  he^ 
made  his  propofal  with  confidence.  He  ioon,, 
however,  perceived  that  no  bankrupt  ever  found! 
the  fair  one  kind.  She  had  lately  fallen  deepjjr.! 
in  love  with  another,  who  had  more  money,  and 
the  whole  neighbourhood  thought  it  would  bea, 

match.  _ 

Every 


^^ 


ESSAYS.  57 

Every  day  now  began  to  drip  my  p6or  friend 
of  his  former  finery.  His  clothes  flew,  piece  by 
piece,  to  the  pawnbroker's  :  And  he  feemed  ac 
lens^th  equipped  in  the  genuine  livery  of  misfor-, 
tune.  But  ftill  he  thought  himlelf  fecure  from 
a6tual  neceffity  :  The  numberlefs  invitations  he 
■had  received  to  dine,  even  after  his  lofTcs,  were 
yet  unanfvvei*ed  :  He  was  therefore  now  refolved 
to  accept  of  a  dinner  becaufe  he  wanted  one; 
and  in  this  manner  he  adually  lived  among  his 
friends  a  whole  week,  without  being  openly  af- 
fronted. The  lall  place  I  faw  him  in,  was  at  a 
reverend  divine's.  He  had,  as  he  fancied,  juft 
nicked  the  time  of  diiiner,  for  he  came  in  as  the 
cloth  was  lying.  He  took  a  chair  without  being 
defired,  and  talked  for  fome  lime  v/ithout  being 
attended  to.  He  alTured  the  company,  that  noth- 
ing procured  fo  good  an  appetite  as  a  walk  in 
the  Park,  where  he  had  been  that  morning. 
He  went  on  and  praifed  the  figure  of  the  damafk 
table  cloth  ;  talked  of  a  feaft  where  he  had  been 
the  day  before,  but  that  the  venifon  was  over 
done  :  But  all  this  procured  him  no  invitation. 
Finding  therefore  the  gentleman  of  the  houfc 
infenfible  to  all  his  fetches,  he  thought  proper 
at  lad  to  retire,  and  mend  his  appetite  by  a  fe^ 
cond  walk  in  the  Park. 

You  then,  O  ye  beggars  of  m,y  acquaintance^ 
whether  in  rags  or  lace  ;  whether  in  Kent  (Ireec 
Of  the  Mall ;  whether  at  the  Sm.yrna  or  St» 
Giles's,  might  I  be  perm.itted  to  advife  as  a^ 
riend,  never  ktm  to  want  the  favour  which 
J.ou  lolicit.     Apply    to  every  pafTion    but  hu^ 

D  man 


5^  ESSAY    S. 

man  pity  for  redrefs:  You  may  find  permanent 
relief  from  vanity,  from  felf  intereft,  or  from 
avarice,  but  from  compaflion  never.  The  very 
eloquence  of  a  poor  man  is  difgiifting  ;  and 
that  mouth  which  is  opened  even  by  wifdom, 
is  feldom  expedled  to  clofe  without  the  horrors 
of  a  petition. 

To  v/ard  off  the  gripe  of  poverty,  you  muffc 
pretend  to  be  a  ftranger  to  her,  and  fhe  will  ac 
lead  ufe  you  with  ceremony.  If  you  be  caught 
dining  upon  a  halfpenny  porrenger  of  peas  foup 
and  potatoes,  praife  the  wholefomenefs  of  your 
frugal  repaft  :  You  may  obferve,  that  Dr.Cheyne 
has  prefcribed  peas  broth  for  the  gravel  :  Hint 
that  you  are  not  one  of  chofe  who  are  always 
making  a  deity  ofyour  belly.  If,  again,  you  are 
obliged  to  wear  a  flimfy  fluff  in  the  midft  of 
winter,  be  the  firft  to  remark,  that  fluffs  are  ve- 
ry much  worn  at  Paris  ;  or,  if  there  be  found 
fome  irreparable  defefls  in  any  part  of  your  e- 
quipage,  which  cannot  be  concealed  by  all  the 
arts  of  fitting  crofs  legged,  coaxing,  or  derning, 
fay,  that  neither  you  nor  Sampfon  Gideon  were 
ever  very  fond  of  drefs.  If  you  be  a  philofopher, 
hint  that  Plato  or  Seneca  are  the  taylors  you 
choofe  to  employ  ;  affure  the  company,  that  man 
ought  to  be  content  with  a  bare  covering,  fince 
what  now  is  fo  much  his  pride  was  formerly  his 
fliame.  In  fhort,  hov^'ever  caught,  never  give 
out  ;  but  afcribe  to  the  frugality  ofyour  difpo- 
ficion,  what  others  might  be  apt  to  attribute  to 
the  narrownefs  of  your  circumflances.  To  be 
poor,  and  to  feempoor,  is  a  certain  method  nev- 
er 


ESSAYS.  29 

er  to  rife  :  Pride  in  the  great  is  hateful ;  in  the 
wife  it  is  ridiculous  :  But  bei^rearly  pride  is  a 
rational  vanity,  which  1  have  been  taught  to 
applaud  and  excufe. 

ESSAY      VI. 

YSIPPUS  is  a  man  whofe  greatnefs  of  foul 
the  whole  world  admires.  His  generofity 
is  tuch  that  it  prevents  a  demand,  and  faves  the 
receiver  the  trouble  and  the  confufion  of  a  re- 
queft.  His  liberality  alfo  does  not  oblige  more 
by  its  greatnefs  than  by  his  inimitable  grace  in 
giving.  Sometimes  he  even  diflributes  his  boun- 
ties to  ftrangers,  and  has  been  known  to  c(p 
good  offices  to  thofe  who  profefTed  themfeives 
to  be  his  enemies.  All  the  world  are  unanimous 
in  the  praife  of  his  generofity;  there  is  only  one 
fort  of  people  who  complain  of  his  condud:* 
Lyfippus  does  not  pay  his  debts. 

It  is  no  difficult  matter  to  account  for  a 
condudl  fo  feemJngly  incompatible  with  itfelf. 
There  is  greatnefs  in  being  generous,  and  there 
is  only  fimple  jufbice  in  fatisfying  his  creditors. 
Generofity  is  the  part  of  a  foul  raifed  above 
the  vulgar.  There  is  in  it  fomething  of  what  we 
admire  in  her6es,  and  praife  with  a  degree  of  rap- 
ture. Juftice  on  the  contrary,  is  a  mere  rne- 
chanick  virtue,  only  fit  for  tradefmen,  and  what 
is  praclifcd  by  every  broker  in  change  alley. 

In  paying  his  debts  a  man  barely  does  his 
duty,  and  it  is^  adlion  attended  with  no   fort: 

©f 


40  ESSAY    S. 

of  glory.  Should  Lyrjppus  fatisfy  ])is  creditors^ 
ivho  would  be  at  the  pains  of  telling  it  to  the 
world  ?  Generofuy  is  a  virtue  ot  a  very  differ- 
ent connplexion.  It  is  raifed  above  duty  J  and 
from  its  elevation,  attradls  the  attention  and  the 
praifcs  of  us  little  mortals  below. 

In  this  manner  do  men  generally  reafon  upon 
juftice  and  generofity.  The  firft  is  difpifed, 
though  a  virtue  efTcntial  to  the  good  of  fociety, 
and  the  other  attracts  our  cfteem^  which  too 
frequently  proceeds  from  an  impetuofny  of  tem- 
per, rather  directed  by  vanity  than  reafon, 
Lyfippus  is  told  that  his  banker  afks  a  debt  of 
forty  poundS;^  and  that  a  diftreffed  acquaintance 
petitions  for  the  fame  fum.  He  gives  it  with-* 
out  hefitating  to  the  latter;  for  he  demands  as 
a  favour,  what  the  other  requires  as  a  debt. 

Mankind,  in  general,  are  not  fufficiently  ac- 
quainted Vi'ith  the  import  of  the  v/ord  Juftice: 
it  is  com^nonly  believed  to  confifr  only  in  a  per- 
j  >rmance  of  thofe  duties  to  which  the  laws 
«)f  fbciety  can  oblige  us^  This,  I  allow,  is  fome- 
riiT.es  the  import  of  the  word  :  And  in  this  fenfe, 
juflice  is  difiinguidied  from  equity  :  Butthereis 
a  jullice  (till  more  exrenfive,  and  v/hich  can  be 
fno\vn  to  embrace  all  the  virtues  united, 

Jullice  may  be  dtfmed,  that  virtue  which  im- 
pels us  to  give  e^ery  perfon  what  is  his  due. 
In  this  extended  fcnfc  of  the  word,  it  compre- 
-hends  the  practice  of  every  virtue  which  reafon 
prefcribes,  or  Ibciety  fliould  expert.  Our  duty 
io  our  Maker^  xo  each  other,   and  to  ourfclves. 


ESSAYS.  41 

are  fully  anfwered,  if  we  give  them  what  we  owe 
them.  Thus  juilice,  properly  fpcaking,  is  the 
only  virtue  ;  And  all  the  reft  have  their  origin 
in  it. 

The  qualities  of  candour,  fortitude,  charity 
and  generofuy,  for  inftance,  are  not,  in  their 
own  nature,  virtues  5  and,  if  ever  they  "defcrve 
the  title,  it  is  owing  only  to  juftice,  which  im- 
pels and  direds  them.  Without  fuch^  a  mod- 
erator, candour  might  become,  indifcretion  ^ 
fortitude,  obftinacy  ;  charity,  imprudence,  and 
generofuy,  miftaken  profufion. 

A  difinterefted  adlioh,  if  it  be  not  condudled 
by  juftice,  is,  at  beft,  indifferent  in  its  nature, 
and  not  unfrequently  even  turns  to  vice.  The 
expenfes  of  fociety,  of  prefents,  of  entertain- 
ments, and  the  otiier  helps  to  cheerfulnefs,  are 
adions  merely  indifferent,  when  not  repugnant 
to  a  better  method  of  difpofing  ot^our  fuperfiui- 
ties  ;  but  they  become  vicious  when  they  ob- 
flru6l  orexhauft  our  abilities,  from  a'more  vir- 
tuous difpofition  of  circumftances. 

True  generofuy  is  a  duty  as  indifpenfably  ne- 
cefTary  as  thofe  impofed  on  us  by  law.  It  is  a 
rule  impofed  upon  us  by  reafon,  which  Ihould 
be  the  fovereign  law  of  a  rational  being.  But 
this'generofuy  does  notconfift  in  obeying  every 
impulfe  of  humanity,  in  following  blind  pafTioa 
for  our  guide,  and  impairing  our  circumftances 
by  prefent  benefa6lions,  fo  as  to  render  us  inca- 
pable of  future  ones. 

Mifers  are  generally  chara(5lerifed  as  men 
without  hon^i^  or  without  humanity,  who  live 
W^       D  2  only 


42  ESSAY    S; 

only  to  accumulate,  and  to  this  paflion  facri- 
fice  every  other  happinefs.  They  have  h^cn 
defcribed  as  mad  men,  who,  in  the  midft  of 
abundance,  banifh  every  pleafure,  and  make 
from  imaginary  wanrs,  real  neceflities.  But 
few,  very  few,  correfpond  to  this  exaggerated 
picture  ;  and  perhaps,  there  is  not  one  in  whom 
all  thefe  circumflances  are  found  united.  In- 
itead  of  this,  we  find  the  fober  and  the  induflri- 
ous  branded  by  the  vain  and  the  idle  with  this 
odious  appellation  ;  men  who,  by  frugality  and 
labour,  raife  themfelves  above  their  equals,  and 
contribute  their  fhare  of  indullry  to  the  common 
Hock. 

Whatever  the  vain  or  the  ignorant  may  fay, 
well  were  it  for  fociety,  had  we  more  of  thefe 
chara6lers  amongft  us.  In  general,  thefe  clofe 
men  are  found  at  laft  the  true  benefadors  of  fo- 
ciety. With  .^n  avaricious  man  we  feldom 
lofe  in  our  dealings,  but  too  frequently  in  our 
commerce  with  prodigality. 

A  French  prieft,  whofe  name  was  Godinot, 
wen  .  for  along  time  by  the  name  of  the  Gri- 
per. He  refufed  to  relieve  the  mod  apparent 
wretchednefs,  and  by  a  fkillfiil  management  of 
his  vineyard,  had  the  good  fortune  to  acquire 
immenfe  fums  of  money.  The  inhabitants  of 
Rheims,  who  were  his  fellow  citizens,  detcfted 
him ;  and  the  populace,  who  feldom  love  a  mifer, 
wherever  he  went,  followed  him  with  ihouts 
of  contempt.  He  (lilT,  however,  continued  his 
former  fimplicity  of  life,  his  amazing  and  un- 
remitted frugality.     He  had  lon^erceived  the 

^P      wants 


ESSAY    S.  43 

wants  of  the  poor  in  the  city,  particularly,  in 
having  no  water  but  what  they  were  obliged 
to  buy  at  an  advanced  price  :  Wherefore,  that 
whole  fortune  which  he  had  been  amafiing  he 
laid  out  in  an  acquedu(5t  ;  by  which  he  did  the 
poor  more  ufeful  and  lading  fervice,  than  if  he 
had  diftributed  his  whole  income  in  charity  ev- 
ery day  at  his  door. 

Among  men  long  converfant  with  books,  we 
too  frequently  find  thofe  mifplaced  virtues,  of 
which  1  have  been  now  complaining.  We  find 
the  itudious  animated  with  a  ftrong  pafTion  for 
the  great  virtues,  as  they  are  millakenly  called, 
and  utterly  forgetful  of  the  ordinary  ones.  The 
declamations  of  phiiofophy  are  generally  rather 
exhaufted  on  thofe  fupererogatory  duties,  than 
on  fuch  as  are  indifpenfably  necefiary.  A  man, 
therefore,  who  has  taken  his  ideas  of  mankind 
from  ftudy  alone,  generally  comes  into  the 
world  with  a  heart  melting  at  every  fidirious 
diftrefs.  Thus,  he  is  induced,  by  mifplaced 
liberality,  to  put  himifelf  into  the  indigent  cir- 
cumftances  of  the  perfon  he  relieves. 

I  fhall  conclude  this  paper  wiih  the  advice  of 
one  of  the  ancients,   t%  a  young  man  whom   he 
faw  giving  away  all  his  fubfliance   to  pretended 
diflrefs.     *Mt  is  pofTible,  that  the  peilbn    yojj- 
*^  relieve  may  be  an  honeit  man  ;  and   I    know 
*^  that  you  who  lelieve   him,    are  luch.       You 
**  fee,  then,  by  your  gefierofity,  that  \ou  rob  a 
"  man,  who  is  cercainly  defc-rving,  fo  beftow  ifc 
"  on  one  who  may  poftlbly   be  a   rogue  ;  and, 
"  while  you  are  imiuft;  in  rewarding  \incercain. 


w 


"  merit, 


4i 


ESSAYS. 


"  merit,  vou  are  doubly   guilty,  by    ftripping 
^^yourfelf/* 


ESSAY       VII. 


N-  B.  This  treatife  was  puklifh;d  biifore  RoufiVau'j  Ein'liu*.— -If  there 
be  a  fimllitude  in  any  one  inlfance,  it  is  h jpe J  ihe  author  of  ihc  prc- 
fent  EfTay  will  not  be  deemed  a  (>iagiarltl. 


AS  few  fubje^ls  are  more  interefling  to  fo- 
ciety,  fo,  few  have  been  more  frequently- 
written  upon,  than  the  education  of  youth.  Yet 
it  is  a  little  furprifing,  that  it  has  been  treated, 
almoft  by  all,  in  a  declamatory  manner.  They 
have  infilled  largely  on  the  advantages  that  refulc 
from  it,  both  to  individuals  and  to  fociety  -,  and 
have  expatiated  in  the  praife  of  what  none  have 
ever  been  fo  hardy  as  to  call  in  quefiion. 

Inftead  of  giving  us  fine,  butempty  harangues 
upon  this  fubjedl  ;  inftead  of  indulging  each  his 
particular  and  whimfical  fyftems,  it  had  been 
much  better  if  the  writers  on  this  fubje£t  had 
treated  it  in  a  more  fcientifick  manner,  repreffed 
all  the  fallies  of  imagination,  and  given  us  the 
refult  of  their  obfervatious  whh  diadacftick  fim- 
pliciry.  Upon  this  fubjtdl,  thefmaliefl:  errors 
are  of  the  moil  dangerous  confequence  ;  and-tte 
author  fhould  venture  the  imputation  oF  ftupi- 
dity  upon  a  topxk,  where  his  (lighted  devia- 
tions may  tend  to  injure  the  rifing  generation. 
However  fuch  are  the  whimfical  and  erroneous 
produftions  written  upon  thi^fubjedh     Their 

^§  authors 


ESSAYS.  45 

authors  have  fludied  to  be  iincommon^.not  to  be 
jiill;  and,  at  prffenr,  we^want  a  treatife  upon 
education,  not  to  tell  us  any  thing  new,  but  to 
explode  the  errors  which  have  been  introduced 
by  the  admirers  of  novelty.  It  is  in  this  nnanner 
books  btcome  numerous  j  a  defirc  of  novelty 
produces  a  book,  and  other  books  are  required 
to  dcHroy  the  former. 

1  n-iall,  therefore,  throw  out  a  few  thoughts 
upon  this  fubjefl,  which,  though  known,  have 
not  been  attended  to.by  others;  and  i>iall  difmifs 
all  attempts  to  pleafe,  while  1  fludy  only  inllruc- 

tion. 

The  manner  in  which  our  youth  of  London 
are  at  prefent  educated,  is,  fome  in  free  fchools 
in  the  citv,  but  the  far  greater  number/n  board- 
ing  fchools  about  town.  The  parent  juflly 
confuks  the  health  of  the  child,  and  finds  an 
education  in  the  country  'tends  to  promote  this, 
much  more  than  a  continuance  in  town.  Thus 
far  he  is  right  :  If  there  were  a  poiTibility  of 
liaving  even  our  free  fchools  kept  a  little  out 
of  town,  it  woula  certainly  conduce  to  the 
health  and  vigor  of,  perhaps  the  mind  as  v^ell  as 
the  body.  It  may  be  thought  whimfical, 
but  it  is  truth  :  I  have  found  by  experience, 
that  they  who  have  fpent  all  their  lives  in  cities, 
conrraft  notonly  an  effeminacy*  of  habit,  but 
even  of  thinking. 

But  when  1  have  faid,  that  the  boarding 
fchools  are  preferable  to  free  fchools,  as  being 
in  the  country,  this  is  certainly  the  only  advan- 
tage I  <:an  allow  them  -,  otherwife  it  is  impofli- 

^  ble 


46  ESSAYS 

bJe  to  conceive  the  ignorance  ofthore  who  take 
upon  them  ihe  important  trull  of  education.  Is 
any  man  unfit  for  any  of  rheprofciTions  ?  he  finds 
his  lalt  refource  in  fetting  up  a  fchoo].  Do  any 
become  bankrupts  in  trade  ?  they  flill  fet  up  a 
boardinor  fchool,  and  drive  a  trade  this  wav, 
when  all  others  tail ;  nay,  I  have  been  told  of 
butchers  and  barbers  who  have  turned  fchooi- 
mafters;  and  more  furprifing  iliil,  made  fortunes 
in  their  new  profefTion. 

Could  we  think  ourfclves  in  a  country  of  ci- 
vilized people  ;  could  it  be  conceived,  that  we 
have  a  regard  for  pofterity,  when  fuch  perfons 
are  permitted  to  take  the  charge  of  the  morals, 
genius,  and  health  of  thofe  dear  little  pledges 
who  may  one  day  be  the  guardians  of  the  liber- 
ties of  Europe,  and  who  may  ferve  as  the  honor 
and  bulwark  of  their  aged  parents  ?  the  care  of 
our  children,  Is  it  below  the  ftate  ?  Is  it  fit  to  in- 
dulge the  caprice  of  the  ignorant  with  the  d if- 
pofal  of  their  children  in  this  particular  ?  for 
the  (late  to  take  the  charge  of  all  its'  children,  as 
in  Perfia  or  Sparta,  might,  at  prefent,  be  incoa- 
venient  ;  but  furely,  with  great  eafe,  it 
mi;^hr  call  an  eve  to  their  infi:ru6lors.  Of  all 
profefTions  in  fociecy,  I  do  not  know  a  more 
nfcfuljOr  a  more  honourable  one,  than  a  fchool- 
mafter  ;  at  th<%fame  time  that  1  do  not  fee  any 
more  generally  difpifed,  or  men  whofe  talents 
are  fo  iii  rewarded. 

Were  the  lalaries  of  fchoolmaders  to  be  aug-. 
mentcd  from  a  diminution  of  ufelefs   finecures, 
how  might  it  turn  to  the  advantage  of  this  peo- 
ple ! 


ESSAYS.  47 

pie  !  a  people  whom,  without  flattery,  I  may,  in 
otlTcr  refpeds,  term  the  wifcftand  greaieit  upon 
earth.  But  while  I  would  reward  the  defcrving, 
I  would  difmifs  thole  utterly  unqualified  for 
their  employment  :  In  fliort,  1  would  make  the 
bufinefs  of  a  fchool  mailer  every  way  moreref- 
pedable,  by  encreafiiig  their  falaries,  and  admic- 
ing  only  men  of  proper  abilities.  ,  • 

It  is  true  we  have  already  fchoOlmaflxTs  ap- 
pointed, and  they  have  fmall  falaries  ;  buc 
where  at  prefent  there  is  only  one  fchoolmafter 
appointed,  there  fliould  at  leaft  be  two  :  And 
wherever  the  falary  is  at  prefent  tv^enty  pounds, 
it  fhould  be  au^m.ented  to  an  hundred.  Do  we 
give  immoderate  benefices  to  thofe  who  inllrudt 
ourfelves,  and  fhall  we  deny  even  fubfiltence  to 
thole  who  inflru6l  our  children  ?  every  mem- 
ber of  fociety  Ihould  be  paid  in  proportion  as 
he  is  necelTary  ;  and  I  will  be  bold  enough  to 
fay,  that  fchoolmafters  in  a  ftate  are  miore  necef- 
fary  than  clergymen,  as  children  ftand  in  more 
need  of  in(lru6lion  than  their  parents. 

But  inftead  of  this,  as  I  have  already  obferv- 
cd,  we  fend  them  to  board  in  the  country,  to 
the  mod  ignorafit  fet  of  men  that  can  be  im- 
agined ;  and,  left  the  ignorance  of  the  mafter 
be  not  fufficient,  the  child  is  generally  confign- 
ed  to  the  ufher.  This  is  commqniy  fom^i  poor 
needy  animal,  little  fuperior  to  a^l^otman  either 
in  learning  or  fpirit,  invited  to  this  place  by  arx^ 
advertifement,  and  kept  there  merely  from  his 
being  of  a  complying  difpofuion,  and  making 
the  children  fund  of  him.      *•  You  give   your 

''  chiia 


4^  ESSAYS. 

*'  child  to  be  educated  to  a  flave,'^  fays  a  phiiof- 
opher  to  a  rich  man,  **  inftead  of  one  (lave,  you 
'*  wtW  then  have  two.'* 

It  were  well,  therefore,  if  parents,  upon  fix- 
ing their  children  in  oneofthej'e  houfes,  would 
exannine  the  abilities  of  the  ufl^er  as  well  as  the 
mailer;  for  whatever  they  are  told  to  the 
contrary,  the  ufher  is  generally  the  perfon  mod 
employed  in  their  education.  If,  then,  a  gen- 
tleman, upon  putting  out  his  fon  to  one  of 
ihefe  houfes,  fee  the  uflier  difregarded  by  the 
mafler,  he  may  depend  upon  it  that  he  is  equal^ 
\y  difregarded  by  the  boys  :  The  truth  is,  in 
fpiteofall  their  endeavours  to  pleafe,  they  are 
generally  the  laughing  flock  of  the  fchool.  Eve- 
ry trick  is  played  upon  the  ulher  :  The  oddity  of 
his  manners,  his  drefs,  or  his  language, are  a  fund 
of  eternal  ridicule.  The  mafber  himfelf,  now 
and  then,  cannot  avoid  joining  in  the  laugh  ; 
and  the  poor  wretch,  eternally  relenting  his  ill 
iilage,  feems  to  live  in  a  ftate  of  war  with  all 
the  family.  This  is  a  very  proper  perfon,  Is  ic 
not  to  give  children  a  relidi  for  learning  ?  they 
rnufr  efteem  learning  very  much,  when  they  fee 
its  profeffors  ufcd  with  fo  little  ceremony.  if 
the  ufher  be  difpifed,  the  father  may  be  afiuredj 
his  child  will  never  be  properly  inftrufled.         '■ 

But  let  me  (\ippofechat  there  are  fome  fchools  : 
without  thefe  inconveniences,  where  the  mailers 
and  ulliers  are  men  of  learning,  reputation,  and  ■ 
afliduity.     If  there  are   to  be  found  fuch,  they 
cannot  be  prifed  in  a  (late  fufFiciently.    ^  A  boy 
will  leara  more  true  wifdomina  publick  fchooL 


E     S     S    A    Y    S* 


45 


;n  a  year,  than  by  a  private  education  in  five. 
It  is  not  from  mafters,  but  from  their  equals, 
youth  ]earn  a  knowledge  of  the  world  :  The  lit- 
tle tricks  they  play  each  other,  the  punifhmenc 
that  freauenclv  attends  the  commiflion,  is  a  iufl 
•pidure  of  the  great  world  ,  and  all  the  ways  of 
men  are  pradlifed  in  a  publick  fchool  in  minia- 
ture. It  is  true  a  child  is  early  made  acquaint- 
ed with  fome  vices  in  fchool  :  But  it  is  better  lo 
know  thcfe  when  a  boy,  than  be  firft  taught 
them  when  a  man  j  for  their  novelty  then  may 
have  irrefiflable  charms. 

In  a  publick  education,  boys  early  learn  tem- 
perance ;  and  if  the  parents  and  friends  would 
give  them  lefs  money  upon  their  ufual  vifics,  it 
would  be  much  to  their  advantage ;  fince  ic 
may  julUy  be  faid,  that  a  great  part  of  their  dif- 
orders  arife  from  furfeit,  Plus  occidit  gala  qUam 
zli^dius. 

And,  now  I  am  come  to  the  article  of  health, 
it  may  not  be  amifs  to  obferve,  that  Mr.  Locke 
and  fome  others,  have  advifed  that  children 
fliould  be  innured  to  cold,  to  fatigue  and  hard- 
fliip,  from  I  heir  youth  :  But  Mr.  Locke  was 
but  an  indifFereni  phyfician.  Habit,  I  grants 
has  great  influence  over  our  conftitutions ;  but 
we  have  not  precife  id«fas  upon  this  fubjecl. 

Wc  know,  that  among  fr^vages,  and  even 
among  our  peafants,  the  e  srt  fuund  children 
born  with  fuch  conllitutions  thar  they  crofs  riv- 
ers by  fvvimming,  endure  cold,  tiiirfl, ,  hunger, 
,and  w;ip.t  of  deep,  to  a  furprifingjjdegre^  ^  ihac 
when  they  happen  to  fail  fick,  chey.a|: 
E 


50  ESSAY    S. 

without  the  help  of  medicine,  by  nature  alone. 
Such  examples  are  adduced  to  perluade  us  to 
imitate  their  manncrr  of  education,  and  accuftom 
ourfcivrs  bctitiits  to  fupport  ihe  fame  fatigues. 
But  had  thcfc  gentlemen  confidered  firft,  how 
many  lives  are  left  in  this  afcetick  difcipline  : 
Had  they  con fidered,  that  thofefavages  and  peal- 
anrs  are  generally  not  fo  long  lived  as  thofe  who 
have  led  a  more  indolent  life  ;  that  the  more 
laborious  the  life  is,  the  iefs  populous  is  the 
country  :  Had  they  confidered  that  what  phyfu 
cians  call  ih^ftamini  vit-^,  by  fatigue  and  labour 
become  rigid,  and  thus  anticipate  old  age ;  that 
the  numbers  who  furvive  thofe  rude  trials,  bear 
no  proportion  to  thofe  who  die  in  the  experi- 
ment. Had  thefe  things  been  properly  confid- 
ered, they  would  not  have  thus  extolled  an  edu- 
cation begun  in  fatigue  and  ^hardfnips.  Peter 
the  Great,  willing  to  innure  the  children  of  his 
feamen  to  a  life  of  hardfhip,  ordered  that  they 
fhould  only  drink  fea  water  ;  but  they  unfortu- 
nately all  died  under  the  trial. 

But  while  1  would  exclude  all  unnecefTary  la- 
bours, yet  ftill  I  would  recommend  temperajuce 
in  the  higheft  degree.  No  luxurious  difhes 
■with  high  feafoning-j  nothing  given  to  children 
to  force  an  appetite  ;  as  little  fugared  or  faked 
provifions  as  pofTible,  though  ever  fo  pleafing  ; 
but  milk,  morning  and  night  fhould  be  their 
conftant  food.  This  diet  would  make  them 
more  healthy  than  any  of  thofe  flops  that  are  uf- 
iially  cooked  by  the  miflrefs  of  a  boarding 
fchool  ',  befides,    it  corrects  any  confumiptivc 

habits, 


fe    S     S     A    Y    S.  51 

habits, nottinfrequenLly  found  aniongft  the  chil- 
dren of  city  parents. 

As  boys  fhoiild  be  educated  with  temperance^ 
fo  the  firll,  greateft  le/Ton  that  fhouid  be  taught 
them,,  is,  to  admire  frugality.  It  is  by  the  ex- 
ercife  of  this  virtue  alone,  they  can  ever  expe6b 
to  be  ufcful  members  of  fociety.  It  is  true,  lec- 
tures continually  repeated  upon  this  fubjedt, 
may  makefome  boys  when  they  grov/  up,  ru« 
into  an  extreme,  and  become  mifers  ;  but  it  were 
well,  had  we  more  mifers  than  v/e  have  am.ong 
us.  I  know  few  charadlers  more  ufeful  in  foci- 
ety ;  for,  a  man's  having  a  larger  or  fmaller 
Ihareof money  lying  ufelefs  by  him,  no  way 
injures  the  commonvvealth  ;  fince,  ihould  every 
mifer  now  exhaud  his  ftores,  this  might  make 
gold  more  plenty,  but  ic  would  nor  incieafe  the 
commodities  or  pieafures  of  life;  they  would 
ilill  remain  as  thity  are  at  prefent  :  It  matters 
not,  therefore,  whether  men  are  mif:rrs  or  nor, 
if  they  be  only  frugal,  laborious,  and  fiU  the 
ftation  they  have  chofcn.  If  they  deny  them- 
felvesthe  necefTaries  of  life^  fociety  is  ao  way 
injured  by  their  folly. 

Indead,  therefore,  cf  romances,  which  praife 
young  m.en  offpirit,  who  go  through  a  variety 
of  adventures  and  at  lait  conclude  a  life  of  dif- 
fipation,  folly  and  extravagance,  in  riches  and 
matrimony,  there  fliould  be  fome  men.of  wic 
employed  to  compofe  books  that  might  equally 
kirerefl  the  paffions  of  our  youth,  where  fuch  an 
one  might  be  prai fed  for  having  refilled  allure- 
menxawhen  young,  and  how  he,  at  lad:,  became 

lord 


>2^  essays: 

lord  mayor  ;  how  he  was  married  to  a  lady  of 
great  i^^nCc,  fortune  and  bfauty.  To  be  as  ex* 
plicit  as  poiTible,  the  old  flory  of  Wbitrington, 
were  his  cat  lefx  our,  rr)ighc  be  more  ferviGt^ablc 
to  the  tender  mind,  than  either  Tom  Jones, 
Jofcph  Andrews,  or  an  hundred  others,  where 
frugality  is  the  only  good  quality  the  hero  is 
not  pofiVffed  of.  Were  our  fchooimafters,  if 
iny  of  them,  have  fenfe  enough  to  draw  up  fuch 
a  work,  thus  employed,  it  v;ould  be  much  more- 
ferviceable  to  their  pupils,  than  all  the  gram- 
mars and  d.id:ionariesthey  may  publjlji  thefe  teii^ 
3'ears. 

Children  fhould  early  be  inflrudled  In  the- 
arts  from  which  they  may  afterwards  draw  the 
greateft  advantages.  When,  the  wonders  of  na- 
ture are  never  expofed  to  our  view,  we  have 
no  great  defire  to  become  acquainted  with  thofe 
parts  of  learning  which  pretend  to  account  for 
the  phenomena.  One  of  the  ancients  com- 
plaints, that  as  foon  as  young  men  have  lefc 
ichool,  and  are  obliged  to  convert  in  the  world, 
ihi^Y  fancv  themfelves  tranfported  into  a  new  re-^ 
gion.  *'  lit  cum  171  forum  vencrint  exijliment  Je, 
in  aliani  tcrrarum  orhem  delatosT  We  fhould 
early  therefore,  inftrudt  them  in  the  experi- 
ments, if  I  may  fo  exprefs  it,  of  knowledge,  and 
leave  to  macurer  ao^e  the  accountinof  for  the 
caufes.  Bat  inftead  of  that,  when  boys  begia. 
natural  philofophy  in  colleges,  they  have  not 
theleail:  curiofity  for  thofe  parts  of  the  fcience 
vyhich  are  propofed  for  xheir  inftruction  :  i  hey 
Inve  never   before   fee n  the  phenomena,    ani 

confeq^uently. 


E     S     S     A     Y     S.  .53 

Gonfequentiy  have  no  curi'Ofuy  to  learn  the  rea- 
fons.  Might  natural  philoibphy,  theretore,  be 
made  their  paft  time  at  fchool,.  by  this  means  k 
would  in  college  become  their  amufemcnt. 

In  leveral  of  the  machines  now  in  ufe,  there 
would  be  ample  field  both  for  inftrudllon.and 
gmufement  *.  The  different  forts  of  the  phofpho- 
rus,  the  artificial  pyrites,,  magnetifm,  electrici- 
ty, the  experiments  upon  the  rarefaction  and 
weightofthe  air,  and  thofe  upon  elallick  bodies 
might  employ  their  idle  hours ;  and  none  fnould 
be  called  from  play  to  fee  fuch  experiments  but 
fuch  as  choughc  proper.  At  firft,  then,  it  would 
be  fufficient  if  the  indruments,,  and  the  effccls'^ 
of  their  combination,  were  only  fliown  :  The 
caufes  (hould  be  deferred  to  a  m.atiirer  age,  or 
to  thofe  times  when  natural  curiofity  prompts 
us  to  difcovcr  the  works  of  nature.  Man  is 
placed  in  this  world  as  a  fpe6lator  :  When  he  is 
tired  of  wondering  at  all  the  novelties  about 
him,,  and  not  till  then,  does  the  denre  to  be 
made  acc}uainted  with  the  caufes  tliac  create 
thofe  wonders,- 

What  I  have  obferved  with  regard  to  natural 
philofophy,  1  would  extend  to  @<:ery  other  fci- 
ence  whatfoever.  We  fhould  teach  them  as 
many  of  the  fa6ls  as  polTible,  and  defer  the  cauf- 
es, until  they  feemed  of  themfelves  defirous  of 
knowing  them.  A  m.ind  thus  leaving  fchool, 
Sored  with  all  the  fimple  experience  of  fcience, 
wouid  be  the  fitted  in  the  world  for  the  college 
courfe;  and,  though  fuch  a  youth  might  nor 
appear  fo  bright,  or  fo  talkative,  as  thofe  ^^ho 

E  Z-  had. 


54  ESSAYS. 

had  learned  the  real  principles  and  caufes  of 
fome  of  the  fciences,  yet  he  would  make  a  wifer 
manj  and  would  retain  a  more  lading  paffiorr 
for  letters,  than  he  who  was  early  burdened 
v/ith  the  difagreeable  inflitution  of  caufe  and  ef- 
fed-. 

In  hi  (lory,  fuch  ftories  alone  fliould  be  laid 
before  them  as  might  catch  the  imagination  i 
Inllead  of  this,  acpiefent,  they  are  too  frequent- 
ly obliged  to  toil  through  the  four  empires,  as 
they  are  called,  where  their  memories  are  bur- 
dened by  a  number  of  difgufting  names,  that 
dcilroy  all  their  future  reiiih  for  our  beft 
hillorians,  who  may  be  termed  the  trueft  teach- 
ers ofvvildom. 

Every  fpecies  of  flattery  fhould  be  carefully 
avoided.  A  boy  who  happens  to  fay  a  fpright- 
3y  thing  is  generally  applauded  fo  much,  thac 
he  fometimes  continues  a  coxcomb  all  his  life 
after.  He  is  reputed  a  wit  at  fourteen,  and  be- 
comes a  blockhead  at  twenty.  Nurfes,  foot- 
men, and  fuch,  fhould  therefore  be  driven  awa/ 
as  much  as  poflible.  I  was  even  going  to  add,. 
that  the  mother  herfelf  iliould  (lifle  her  pleafure, 
or  her  vanity,  when  little  mailer  happens 
to  fay  a  good  or  a  fmart  thi^ng.  Thofc  modefb 
lubberly  boys,  who  feem  to  v^ant  fpirir,  become 
at  length  more  fhining  men,  andat  fchcol  gtrn- 
eraily  go  through  thtir  bufinefs  with  mor^e  eafe 
to  themfelveSj,  and  more  fatisfadion  to  their 
inftrudlors. 

There  has  of  late  a  gentleman  appeared,  who 
thinks  the  ftudy  of  rhetorick  eiTential  to  a  per- 

fed 


ESSAYS,  Kn 


jv 


1 

•lecb  education.  That  bold  male  eloquence, 
which  often;,  without  pleafing,  convinces^  is 
generally  deftroyed  by  iuch  an  inftitution.  Con- 
vincing eloquence  is  infinitely  more  ferviceabls 
to  its  poflrlTor  than  the  moft  florid  harangue, 
or  the  mud  pathetick  tones  that  can  be  imagin- 
ed ;  and  the  man  who  is  thoroughly  convinced 
himfeif,  who  underftands  his  fubjetlH:,  and  the 
language  he  fpeal<s  is,  will  be  more  apt  to  filence 
oppofition,  than  he  who  (tudies  the  force  of  his 
periods,  and  fill  our  ears  with  founds,  while  our 
minds  are  defticutc  of  convidion. 

It  was  reckoned  the  fault  of  the  orators  at 
the  decline  of  the  Roman  empire,  when  they, 
had  long  been  inllructed  by  rhetoricians,  that 
their  periods-  were  fo-  harmonious,  that  they 
could  be  fung  as  well  as  fpoken.  What  a  ri- 
diculous figure  miud  oneofthefe  gentlemen  cur, 
thus  meafuring  fyllables  and  weighing  woids^ 
when  he  fliould  plead  the  caiife  of  his  cliant  1 
Two  architeds  were  once  candidates  for  the 
building  a  certain  temple  at  Athens.  The  firfl 
harangued  the  crowd  verv  learnedly  upon  the 
difff/renc  orders  of  architedure,  and  ihowed 
them  in  what  mianner  iht  temple  fhould  be 
built ;  the  other,  w^ho  got  up  after  him,  only 
obferved,  that  what  his  broiher  had  fpoken  he 
could  do:  And  thus  he  at  once  gained  his  caufe. 

To  reach  men  to  be  orators,  is  iitlelefs  than 
to  teach  them  to  be  poets  j  and,  for  my  part,  I 
ibould  have  too  great  a  regard  for  my  child,  to 
wifh  him  a  minor  only  in  a  bookfcHers  Ihop. 

i\riothe'r.  -■   " 


§6  ESSAYS. 

Another  paQion  vvhlch  the  prefcnt  age  is  ape 
to  run  into,  is  to  make  children  learn  all  things: 
the  languages,  the  rciences,mu{kk,theexercirts, 
and  painting.  Thus  the  cniid  loon  brcoiiies  a 
Talker  in  all,  bu:  a  mafter  in  none.  He  thus 
acquires  a  luperficial  fondnefs  for  every  thing;. 
and  only  fhov/s  his  ignorance,when  he  attempts 
to  exhibit  his  fkill. 

As  I  deliver  my  thoughts  without  metliod  od 
conne6lion,  \o  the  reader  mnil  not  be  furprifed 
JO  find  me  once  more  addrtfi'irig  fchoolmadrrs 
on  the  prefent  method  of  teaching  the  learned 
languages,  which  is  commonJv  by  literal  tranf- 
Jations.  I  would  alTi  fuch,  ifthey  were  to  travel 
ajourney,  whether  thofc-  parts  of  the  road  in 
which  they  found  the  greaieft  diiliculties  would 
not  be  the  mod  flrongly  remembered  t  Boys 
who,  if  I  may  continue  the  allufion,  gallop 
through  one  of  the  ancientsvvith  the  adidance 
<of  a  tranllation,,  can  have  but  a  very  flight 
acquaintance  either  with  the  author  or  his  Ian- 
♦j[ua-ie..  It  is  by  the  exsrcife  of  the  mind  alone,, 
that  alimguage  is  learned  j  but  a  literal  tranfla- 
t-ion  on  the  oppofite  page,,  kaves^  no  exercife 
for  the  mejiiory  at  alL.  The  boy  will  not  be  at: 
the  fatigue  of  remt* m»bering,,  v^hen  his  doubts 
•are  at  once  fatisficd  by  a  glance  of  the  eye  ; 
whereas,  were  every  word  to  be  fought  from  a- 
di«61:ionary,  the  learner  would  attempt  to  remem- 
ber  them,  to  fave  hHiifclf  the  trouble  of  looking 
oui  for  the  future. 

To  continue  inthefimepedanrick  drain,  of  all- 
tht  various  grammars  now  taught  in  the  fchools 

about 


ESSAYS. 


57 


about  town,  I  would  recommend  only  the  old 
common  one:.  I  have  forgot  whether  Lily's,  or 
an  emendatioa  of  him.  The  others  may  be 
improvements  ;  but  fuch  improvements  fcem 
to  me  onjy  mere  grami-jiarical  niceties,  no  way 
influencing  the  learner,  but  perhaps  lociding 
him  with  rrifiing  fubtilties,  which,  ac  a  proper 
age,  he  mud  be  at  fome  pains  to  forget. 

Whatever  pains   a  mafter  may  take  to  make 
the    learning  of  the  languages  agreeable  to  his 
pupil,  he  may  depend  upon  it,  it  will  be  ar  fuil 
extremely  unpleaianc.      The  rudiments  of  every 
language,    therefore,    muft  be  given  as   a  rafk, 
not  as   an  amufement.     Attempting,  to  deceive 
children   into  inftrudlion   of  this  kind,  is  only 
deceiving  ourfelves  :    And  I    know   no  paHion 
capable  of  conquering  a  child's  natural  lazinefs;, 
but  fear.     Solomon  has  faid  it  before  me  ;  nor 
is  there  anymore  certain,  though  perhaps  more 
difagreeable  truth,   than  the   proverb  in  verfe,. 
too  well    known  to  repeat  on  the  prefent  ccca- 
rion.     It  is  very  probable  that  parents  are  told 
of  fome  rnafters    who   never   ufe    the  rod,  and  • 
confequently  are  thought  the  propereil  infiruc^. 
tors  for  their  children  j  but  though   tendernef^ 
is  a  requifire  quality  in  an  inllruftor,  yet  there 
is  too  often  the  trued  tendernefs  in  well  timed 
corredion. 

Some  have  juftly  obferved,  that  all  pafTion 
fhould  be  banifhed  on  this  terrible  occafion  ; 
but  I  know  not  how,  there  is  a  frailty  attendino* 
huriian  nature,  that  few  mailers  are  able  to  keep 
'^.'leir  temper  whilft  they  correa:.    I  knew  a  good. 

natured 


58  ESSAYS. 

natured  man,  who  was  fenfible  of  his  own  weak- 
nels  in  this  rerpe<5t>  and  cof.fcquently  had  re^ 
GOurfeto  thefoliowing  expedient  ro  prevent  his 
pafiions  from  being  engaged,  yet  at  the  fame 
time  adminiller  jullicewith  imparriality.  When- 
ever any  of  his  pupils  committed  a  fault,  he 
fumiiioned  a  jury  of  his  peers,  I  mean  of  the 
boys  of  his  own  or  the  next  clalTes  to  him  :  His 
■^ccufers  flood  forth  ;  he  had  liberty  of  pleading 
in  his  awn  defence,  and  one  or  two  miore  had 
the  liberty  of  pleading  againil  him:  When 
found  guilty  by  the  jury,. he  was  configned  to 
the  footman  who  attended  in  the  hpufc,  and 
who  had  had  previous  orders  to  punifh,  but 
with  lenity.  By  this  mearS,  the  maftir  took 
off  the  odium  of  punithment  from  himfclf  j 
and  the  footman,  between  whom  and  the  boys 
there  could  not  be  even  the  (lightefl:  intimacv? 
was  placed  in  fuch  a  light  as  to  be  liiunned  by 
every  boy  in  the  fchook 


ESSAY       VIII. 

N  alehoufe  keeper  near  Iflington,  who  had 
long  lived  at  the  C^^_^n  of  the  French  King,, 
upon  the  commencement  of  the  lad  war  with 
France,  pulled  down  hi-sold  fign,  and  put  up  thac 
of  the  Queen  of  Hungary.  Under  the  influ- 
ence of  her  red  face  and  golden  fceptre,  he  con- 
finned  to  fell  ale,  till  fhe  was  no  longer  the  fa* 
vourite  of  his    cuRomers  :    He   changed    her^ 

therefore^ 


E     S     S     A    Y     So  5^ 

therefore,  fometime  ago,  for  the  King  of  PruHia, 
who  may  probably  be  changed,  in  turn,  for  the 
next  great  man  that  lliali  be  fet  up  for  vulgar 
£d mi  ration. 

Our  publican,  in  this,  imitates  the  great  ex- 
a6lly,  who  deal  out  their  figures,  one  after  the 
other,  to  the  giJzing  crowd.  When  we  have 
fufficiently  wondered  at  one,  it  is  taken  in,  and 
another  exhibited  in  its  room,  v/hich  feldom 
holds  its  Ration  long,  for  the  mob  are  ever 
plcafed  with  variety^ 

I  mud  own  I  have  fiich  an  indifTerent  opin- 
';ion  of  the  vulgar,  that  I  am  ever  led  to  fufped: 
that  merit  which  raifes  their  (bout  ;  at  leaft  I 
am  certain  to  find  thofe  ureat,  and  fometimes 
good  men,  who  find  fatisfadion  in  fych  acclama- 
tions, made  worfs  by  it  j  and  hiilory  has  too 
frequently  taught  me,  that  the  head  which  has 
this  day  grown  giddy  v»^ith  the  roar  of  the  miil- 
lion,  has,  the  very  next,  been  fixediipon  a  pole. 

As  Alexander  VI.  was  entering  a  little  town 
in  the  neighbouihood  of  Rome,  which  had  been 
juft  evacuated  by  the  enemy,  he  perceived  the 
cownfmen  bufy  in  the  market  place,  in  pulling 
down  from  a  gibbet  a  fio;ure  which  had  been  de- 
figned  to  reprefent  himfelf.  There  v/ere  feme 
aifo  knocking  down  a  neighbouring  llatue  of  one 
of  the  Orfini  family,  with  v/hom  he  was  at  war, 
in  order  to  put  Alexander's  effioy  in  its  place. 
It  is  poflible  a  man  who  knew  lefs  of  the  world 
would  have  condemned  the  adulation  of  thofe 
barefaced  flatterers  ;  but  Alexander  feemed 
pleafed  at:  their  zeal,  and,  turning  to  Borgia  his 

fon, 


^'o  £     S     S     A    Y     S. 

fon,  fa'ki  with  a  fmile,  vides,  mi  fJiy  quam  Ic^e 
difcrimcn  fatibidum  inter  et  ftatuam.  *^  You 
fee,  my  Ton,  the  fmall  difference  between  a  gib- 
bet and  a  flatue."  If  the  orreac  could  be  taught 
any  leifon,  this  might  fcrve  to  reach  them  upon 
how  weak  a  foundation  their  glory  (lands  j  for, 
as  popular  applaufe  is  elicited  by  what  feems 
like  merit,  it  as  quickly  condemns  what  has 
'Only  the  appearance  of  guilr. 

Popukr  glory  is  a  perfect  coquet;  her  lov- 
ers mi'ft  toil,  feel  ever  inquietude,  indulge  eve- 
j'y  caprice,  and  perhaps,  at  lafl,  be  jilted  for 
fheir  pains>  True  glory,  on  the  other  hand, 
•refembles  a  woman  of  fenfe  ;  her  admirers  muft 
play  no  tricks;  they  feel  no  great  anxiety,  for 
they  are  fure,  in  the  end,  of  being  rewarded  in' 
proportion  to  their  merit.  When  Swift  ufed 
to  appear  in  publick,  he  generally  had  the  mob 
fliouting  in  his  train.  *'  Pox  take  thefe  fools," 
he  would  fay  5  *^  how  much  joy  might  ail  this 
bawling  give  my  Lord  Mayor  ? 

We  have  feen  thofe  virtues,  which  have, 
■while  living,  retired  from  the  publick  eye,  gen*- 
eraily  tranfmitted  to  pollerity,  as  the  truefl  ob- 
jedls  of  admiration  and  praife.  Perhaps  the 
charader  of  the  late  Duke  of  Marlborough  may 
one  day  be  fet  up,  even  above  that  of  his  more 
talked  of  predeceffor  ;  fince  an  affemblage  of 
all  the  mild  and  amiable  virtues  are  far  fuperior 
to  thofe  vulguhrly  called  the  great  ones.  I 
muft:  be  pardoned  for  this  fhorc  tribute  to  the 
memory  of  a  man,  who,  while  living:,  would 
as    much    deteft    t©    receive    any   thing   that 

wore 


ESSAYS.  6£ 

w»re  the  appearance  of  flattery,  as  I  fhould  to 
offer  it. 

I  know  not  how  to  turn  fo  trite  afubjedbout 
of  the  beaten  road  of  common  place,  except  by 
illuftrating  it,  rather  by  the  afilftance  of  my 
memory  than  judgment;  and  inftead  of  making 
refiedlions  by  telling  a  ftory. 

A  Chincfc  who  had  long  Hudied  the  works 
of  Confucius,  who  knew  the  charaders  of  four- 
teen thoufand  words,  and  could  read  a  great 
part  of  every  book  that  came  in  his  wav,  once 
took  it  into  his  head  to  travel  into  Europe, 
and  obferve  the  cuftoms  of  a  people  whom  he 
thought  not  very  much  inferior  even  to  his  own 
countrymen,  in  the  arts  of  refining  upon  every 
pleafure.  Upon  his  arrival  at  Amilerdam,  his 
paffion  for  letters  naturally  led  him  to  a  bock- 
feller's  fhop  ;  and  as  he  could  fpeak  a  litdc 
Dutch,  he  civilly  af]<ed  the  bookfcller  for  the 
works  of  the  immortal  Xixofou.  The  book- 
feller  afTured  him  he  had  never  heard- the  book 
mentioned  before.  "  What,  have  you  never 
'^  heard  of  that  immortal  poet  ?"  returned  the 
other  much  furpriled,  **  that  light  of  the  eyes, 
'*  that  favourite  of  kings,  that  rofe  of  perft6lion! 
**  I  fuppofe  you  know  nothing  of  the  immortal 
*'  Fipfihihijfecondcounntothe  moon  ?"  **Nc)th- 
*'  ing  at  all,  indeed  fir,"  retutncd  the  other. 
**  Alas!"  cries  our  traveller,  "  to  what  purpc  fe, 
**  then,  hath  one  of  thefe  failed  to  death,  and  the 
'*  other  offered  himfelf  op  ns  a  faciifice  to  the 
**  Tartar  enemy,  to  gain  a  renown  winch  has 
**  fiwver  traveiled  beyond theprecindls  cfChina  l'^ 

'  F  Thtrc 


Si  ESSAYS. 

There  is  fcarce  a  village  in  Europe,  and  not 
one  univerfity,  thac  is  not  thus  furnifhed  wiih 
its  little  great  men.  The  head  of  a  petty  cor- 
poration, who  oppofes  the  defigns  of  a  prince 
who  would  tyrannically  force  his  fubjeds  to 
fave  their  beil  clothes  for  Sundays;  the  puny  pe- 
dant, who  finds  one  undifcovered  quality  in  the 
polype,  or  defcribes  an  unheeded  procefs  in  the 
fkeleton  of  a  mole,  and  whofe  mind,  like  his 
microfccpe,  perceives  nature  only  in  detail  ;  the 
rhymer,  who  makes  fmooth  verles,  and  paints 
to  our  imagination,  when  he  fhould  only  fpeak  to 
our  hearts  :  All  equally  fancy  themfeh'es 
walking  forward  to  immortality,  and  defire  the 
crowd  behind  them  to  look  on.  The  crowd 
taks  them  at  their  word.  Patriot,  philofopher, 
and  poet  are  fliouted  in  their  turn.  ''^'Where 
*'  was  there  ever  fo  much  merit  feen  ?  no  times 
*^  fo  important  as  our  own;  ages  yet  unborn 
*'  fliall  gaze  w^th  wonder  and  applaufe  !''  To 
fuch  muiick,  the  important  pigmy  moves  for- 
ward, builling  and  fwelling,  and  aptly  compared 
to  a  puddle  in  aftorm. 

I  have  lived  to  fee  generals  who  once  had 
crowds  hallooing  after  them  wherever  they  went, 
who  were  bcpraifed  by  newfpapers  and  maga- 
zines, thofe  echoes  of  the  voice  of  the  vulgar, 
jind  ye:  they  have  long  funk  into  merited  ob- 
fcurity,  with  fcarce  even  an  eitaph  left  to  flat- 
ter. A  few  years  ago,  the  herring  fifhery  em- 
ployed all  Grubftreet ;  it  was  the  topiclc  in  every 
coffee  houfe,  and  the  burden  of  every  ballad. 
We  are  to  drag   up  oceans  of  gold  from   the 

bottom 


ESSAYS.  63 

bottom  of  the  Tea  ;  we  were  to  fupply  all  Eu- 
rope with  herrings  upon  our  own  ternns.  Ac 
prefent  we  hear  no  more  of  all  this.  We  have 
fifhed  up  very  little  gold  that  I  can  learn  j  nor 
do  we  furniih  the  world  with  herrings,  as  was 
expedled.  Let  us  wait  but  a  few  years  longer, 
and  we  (hall  find  ail  our  expedations  aa  herring 
£(hery. 


ESSAY      XI. 

WE  efTayifts,  who  are  allowed  but  one  fub^- 
je(5t  at  a  time,  are  by  no  means  fo  for- 
tunate as  the  writers  of  magazines,  who  v/rite 
upon  feveral.  Ifamagaziner  be  dull  upon  the 
Spanifh  war,  he  foon  hasus  up.  again  v/irh  the 
ghoft  in  Cocklane  :.  Ifthe  reader  begins  to  doze 
upon  that,  he  is  quickly  roufed  by  an  eaftern 
tale  ;  tales  prepare  us  for  poetry^  and  poetry  foF 
the  meteorologicial  hiilory  of  the  weather.  It 
is  the  life  and  foul  of  a  magazine  not  to  be 
long  dull  upon  onefubjedl  ;  and  the  reader,  like 
the  failor's  horfe,  has  at  lead,  the  comfortable  re« 
frefhment  of  having  the  fpur  often  changed. 

As  I  fee  no  reafon  why  thefe  Ihould  carry  off 
all  the  rewards  of  genius,  I  have  fome  thoughts, 
for  the  future,  of  making  my  effays  a  magazine 
in  miniature  :  I  flaall  hop  from  fubjefl  to  fubjeft, 
and,  if  properly  encouraged,  I  intend  in  time  to 
adorn  my  feuille  volara  with  pii5tu;cs.  Bur,  t© 
begin. in. the  ufual  form. 

A  MODEST 


64  ESSAYS. 

'J[  MODEST  ADDRESS  to  the  PUBLICK, 

in  behalf  of  the  Ih^ekh  Ah  Magazine. 

THE  publick  has  been  fo  often  impofed 
npon  by  the  unperforming  promifes  of  others, 
that  it  is  with  the  utmoft  modefty  we  affure 
them  of  our  inviolable  defign  to  give  the  very 
bed  colledtion  that  ever  aftonifhed  fociety* 
The  publick  we  honour  and  regard  ;  and  there* 
fore  toinilruft  and  entertain  them,  is  our  high- 
eft  ambition,  v;ith  labours  calculated  as  well  to 
the  head  as  the  heart.  \(  four  extraordinary 
pases  of  letter  prefs  be  any  recommendation  of 
our  wit,  we  may  at  leaft  boaft  the  honour  of  vin- 
dicating our  own  abilities.  To  fay  more  in  favour 
of  the  Infernal  Magazine,  would  be  un- 
worthy the  publick  ;  to  fay  Jefs  would  be  inju- 
rious to  ourfelves.  As  we  have  no  interefled  mo-, 
tives  for  this  undertaking,  being  a  fociety  of 
gentleman ofdiftinclion,wedifdain  to  eat  or  write 
like  hirelings  :  We  are  all  gentlemen,  and  there- 
fore are  refolved  to  iell  our  magazine  for  fix 
pence,  merely  for  our  own  amufemenr. 

Be  careful  to  afk  for  the  Infernal  Magazine* 
DEDICATION 

To  that  moR  ingenious  of  all  Patrons 

The  Tripoline  Ambassador. 

May  it  pleafe  your  Excellency y 

AS  your  tafte  in  the  fine  arts  is  univerfall)^ 
allowed  and  admired,  permit  the  authors  of  the 
Infernal  Magazine  to  lay  the  following  fheets 

humbly 


ESSAYS.  65 

humbly  at  your  Excellency's  toe  ;  and,  fhould 
our  labours  ever  have  the  happinefs  of  one  day 
adorning  the  Court  of  Fez  we  doubt  not  that 
the  influence  wherewith  we  are  honoured,  fhall 
be  ever  retained  with  the  molt  warm  ardour,  by,. 
May  it  pleafe'your  Excellency, 

your  mod  devoted  humble  fervants, 
the  authors  of  the  Infernal  Magazine, 

A     S  P  E  E  C  M, 

Spoken  by  the  Indigent  Philosopher, to  perl 
fuade  his  club  at  Cateaton  not  to  declare 
war  again  ft  Spain. 

MY  honefl:  fi-iends  and  brother  politician?, 
r  perceive  that  the  intended  war  with  Spain 
makes  many  of  you  uneafy.  Yefterday,  as  we 
were  told,  the  ftocks  rofe,  and  you-  were  glad  ; 
to  day  they  fell,  and  you  are  again  miferable. 
But,  mv  dear  friends,  what  is  the  rifing  or  the 
falling  of  the  flocks  to  us,  who  have  no  money  ? 
Let  Nathan  Ben  Funk,  the  Dutch  Jew,  be  glad 
or  forry  for  this  y  but,  my  good  Mr.  Bellowf- 
mender,,  what  is  all  this  to  you  or  me  ?  You 
mud  mend  broken  bellows,  and  I  write  bad 
profe,  as  long  as  we  live,  whether  we  like  a 
Spanilli  war  or  not.-  Believe  me  my  honeft 
friends^  whatever  you  may  talk  of  liberty  and 
your  own  reafon,  both  that  liberty  and  reafon 
are  conditionally  refigned  by  every  poor  man  in 
every  fociety  ;  and  as  we  are  born  to  work,  fo 
others  are  born;  to  watch  over  us  while  we  are 
working.     In  the  name  of  common  fenfe,  then^ 

F  2  ny 


<y6  £     S     S    A     Y     S. 

my  good  friends,  let  the  great  keep  watch  ovei*, 
us,  and  let  us  mind  our  bufinefs,  and  perhaps 
we  may  at  laft  ^et  money  ourfclves,  and  fee 
beggars  tovvork  in  our  turn.  1  have  a  latin 
fentence  that  is  worth  its  weight  in  gold,  and 
which  1  fnall  beg  leave  to  tranflate  for  your  in- 
ilrudlion.  An  author,  called  Lilly's  Grammar^ 
finely  obfcrves,  that  ^^JIs  in  prafenti  perfc^um 
*^ format  ;'*  That  is,  ''  ready  m^oney  makes  a 
**  perfedl  man."  Let  us  then,  to  become  per- 
le<5l  men,  get  ready  money  -,  and  let  them  iht4. 
will,  fpend  theirs  by  going  to  war  with  Spain. 

R  U  L  E  S  FOR    BEHAVIOUR, 

SE>RAWN   UP  BY   THE  INDIGENT     PhILOSCPHER\ 

3F  you  be  a  rich  man,  you  may  enter  tne 
room  with  three  loud  hems,  march  deiiberareif 
ijpto  the  chimney,  and  turn  your  back  to  the 
iire.  If  you  be  a  poor  man,  I  would  advife  you 
to  fhrink  into  the  room  as  faft  as  you  can,  and 
place  yourfclf,  as  ufual,  upon  the  corner  of  a 
chair  in  a  remote  corner. 

When  you  are  defired  to  firig  in  company,  I 
would  advife  you  to  rcfufe  ;  for,  it  is  a  thoufand 
to  one  but  that  you  torment  us  with  affectation, 
ignorance  of  miufick,  or  a  bad  voice. 

If  you  be  youniz,  and  live  with  an  old  man,  I 
would  advife  you  not  to  like  gravy  j  I  was  dif- 
inherited  m/felf  for  liking  gravy. 

Don't  laugh  much  in  publick;  the  fpedlarors- 
^uc  arq  not  as  ir.ei^i/  a§  jou^  will  hateyoi:,. 

giuer 


ESSAYS.  6f 

^ith-er  becaufe  they  envy  your  happlnefs,  or  fan^ 
€y  themfelves  the  lubjecl  of  your  mirih. 

RULES    FOR  RAISING  THE  D  E  V  I  L. 

Tran dated   from    the    La-tint  of  Dan^^us    de. 
SoRTiARiis,     a    writer    cotemporary     mik 
(Talvin,    and   one  of  the  reformers  of  ou.i'/ 
Church,, 

THE  perfon  whodeHres  to  raife  the  Der^. 
il,  is  to  facrifice  a  dog,  a  car,  and  a  hen,  ail  of 
his  own  propertv,  to  Beelzebub.  He  is  to 
fwear  anett-rnal  obedience,  and  then  to  receive 
a  mark  in  fome  unken..^  place,  either  under  the 
eyelid  or  in  the  roof  of  the  mouth,  inQicted  by 
the  devil  himfelfr  Upon  this,  he  has  power 
given  him  over  three  Ipirits  ;  one  for  earth,  an- 
other for  air,  and  a  third  for  the  Tea.  Upon 
certain  times,  the  devil?  holds  an  afiVrnbly  ..of 
magicians,  in  .which  each  is  to  give  an  account  of 
what  evil  he  has  done,  and  what  he  wiilies  to  do. 
At  this  affembly  he  appears  in  the  fbape  of  ao; 
old  man,  or  often  like  a  goat  v/ith  large  horns. 
They,  upon  thisoccafion,  renew  their  vows  of 
obcrdience  ;  and  then  forma  grand  dance  in 
honour  of  their  falfe  deitv .  The  devil  inftruds 
them  in  every  m.echod  of  injuring  mankind,  in 
gathering  poifons,  and  of  riding,  upon  occafion, 
ihrough  the  a.-r.  He  fbows .  them  the  whole 
method,  upon  examination,  of  givin^j^  evafiv.e 
anfwers.  His  fpirits  have  power  to  afTjme  the 
form  gf  angei§  of  Ji^hr,  ar^d  there  is  but  oim 

method 


©3  ESSAY    S. 

method  of  detecling  them,  viz.  to  ailc  rhern,  In 
proper  form,  what  method  is  the  mod  certain 
to  propagate  the  faith  over  all  the  world  ?  To 
this  they  are  not  permitted  by  the  fuperior  pow- 
er to  make  a  falfe  reply  ;  nor  are  they  willing 
to  give  the  true  one  ;.  wherefore  they  continue 
fdenc,  and  are  thus  detedled. 

E     S     S     A     Y       X. 

THOUGH  naturally  penfive,  yet  lam  fond 
of  gay  com.pany,  and  take  every  oppor-- 
tunity  of  thus  difmifTing  the  miod  from  duty. 
From  this  motive,  1  am  often  found  in  the  cen- 
tre of  a  crowd  ;  and  v/herever  pleafure  is  to  be 
fold,  am  always  a  purchafer.  In  thofe  places, 
without  being  remarked  by  any,  I  join  in  what- 
ever goes  forward,  work  my  paffions  into  a- 
limilitude  of  frivolous  earneflnefs,  lliout  as  they 
(liout,  and  condem.n  as  they  happen  to  difap- 
prove.  A.  mind  thus  funk  for  a  while  below  its- 
natural  frandard,  is  qualified  for  ftronger  flights,, 
as  thofe  firlt  retire  who  would  fpring  forward- 
with  greater  vigour. 

Attracted  by  the  ferenity  of  the  evening,  a^ 
friend  and  I  lately  went  to  gaze  upon  the  com- 
pany in  ofte  of  the  publick  walks  near  the  city. 
Here  we-  fauntered  together  for  fome  time,  eith- 
er praifing  the  beauty  of  fuch  as  were  handfome,. 
or  the  drtfles  of  fuch  as  had  nothing  elfe  to  re- 
commend chsm.  We  had  gone  thus  deliberately 

forv/ard 


ESSAYS.  69 

forward  for  feme  time,  when  my  friend 
Hoppincr  on  a  fudden.  caught  me  by  the  elDow 
and  led  me  out  of  the  publick  walk;  I  couid 
perceive  by  the  quicknefs  of  his  pace,  and  by 
his  frequently  looking  behind,  that  he  was  at- 
temptincT  to  avoid  fomebody  who  folio vv-ed.  We 
now  turned  to  the  right,  then  to  the  left  5  as 
we  went  forward,  he  dill  went  fader  ;  but  in 
vain  :  The  perfon  whom  he  attempted  to  eicape^ 
hunted  us  through  every  doubling,  and  gained 
upon  us  each  moment;  fo  that,  at  iaft,  we  fairly 
ftood  ftill,    refolving  to  face  what  we  could  no£ 

avoid,  1  »  •      1 

Our  purfuer  foon   came   up,  and  joined  us 
with  all    the  familiariry.of  an  old  acquaintance, 
''My   dear    Charles,"  cried   he,    (baking   my 
friend^s    hand,  where  have  you  been  hiding  this 
*'  half  century  ?   Pofitively   I  had  fancied   yoia 
**  were    gone  down    to    cultivate    matiimony 
<'  and  your  edate  in  the  country.'*     During  the 
reply,    I  had  an   opportunity  of  furveying  the 
appearance  of  our  ne-v   companion.        His   hac 
was   pinched  up  with    peculiar  fmartnefs  ;  his 
looks    were   pale,    thin,    and  (harp  ;  round  his 
neck  he  wore  a  broad  black  ribbon,  and   m  his 
bofom  a  buckle  dudded  with  glafs  ;    his    coac 
was  trimmed  with  tarnidied  twid  ;  he   wore  by 
his  fide  a  fword  with  a  black  hilr  •,  and  his  dock- 
ings of  filk,  though  newly  waihed,  were  grown 
yetlow  by  long  fervice.  I  was  fo  much  engaged 
with    the    peculiarity    of  his   drefs,    that  I  at- 
tended   only  to  the  latter  part   of  mv    friend's 
reply  i   m   which  he  complimented  Mr.  Tibba 
^  ^  on 


7^:  ESSAY     S. 

on  the  tafte  of  his  clothes,  and  the  bloom  lit 
his  countenance.  "  PlTia,  plha,  Gharles,"  cri- 
ed the  figure,  '^  no  more  of  thac  if  you  love  me  y 
*'  you  know  I  hate  flattery  5  on  my  foul  1  do  ; 
*'  and  yet  to  be  lure>  an  intimacy  with 
•*  the  great  will  improve  one's  appearance,  and 
**  a  courfeof  venifon  will  fatten  ;  and  yet,  faith  i 
dclpife  the  great  as  much  as  you  do  :  But  there 
arc  a  great  many  damned  honeft  fellows  a- 
mong  them  ;  and  we  mufl  not  quarrel  with 
^'  one  fulf,  becaufe  the  other  v/ants  breeding-. 
«*  It  they  were  all  fuch  as  my  Lord  Mudler, 
<'  one  of  the  moit  good  natured  ceatures  that 
*^  ever  fqueezed  a  lemon,  1  fliould  my felf  be 
*^  among  the  number  of  their  admirers,  1  was 
*^  yederday  to  dine  at  the  Duichefs  of  Picca- 
'*  diily'ii.  My  Lord  was  there.  *'  Ned,''  fays  he 
to  me,  »'  Ned,'"rays  he,  **  Til  hold  gold  to  Ci]- 
•*  ver,  I  '"ell  where  you  v/ere  poaching  laft 
**  night."  '^  Poaching,  my  Lord,"  fays  I  j  ''  faith - 
'•^you  have  miiTed  already  ;  for  I  ilaid  at  home> 
*^  and  let  the  girls  poach  for  me.  That's  my 
*^'  way  :  I  take  a  fine  woman  as  fome  animals  do 
•'  their  prey  ;  ftand  Hill,  and  fwoop  they  fall 
**  into  my  mouth." 

'*  Ah,  Tibbs,  thou  art  an  happy  fellow,'* 
cried  my  companion,  with  looks  of  infinite  pity, 
*^  I  hope  your  fortune  is  as  much  improved  as 
*'  your  underPcanding  in  fuch  company,"  **Im- 
**  proved  ?"  replied  the  other  -,  **  you  (hall 
"  knov;— but  let  it  go  no  farther — a  great  fecret 
"  — five  hundred  a  year  to  begin  with.  My- 
.^^Lprd's- word  of  honour  for-ic. — ^'  His  Lordfhi^. 


E    S     S    A  ,Y    S.  7:t 

'•^^  took  me  down  in  his  ov/n  chariot  yerrcrcUy", 
^'  and  we  had  a  tete  a  tece  dinner  in  the  coun- 
'"jry,  where  we  talked  of  nothing  elfe."  **  I  fan- 
*^  cy  you  forgot,  Sir,"  cried  I,  *^you  told  us 
*'  but  this  moment  of  your  dining  yefterday  in 
**  town.'*  *'Did  I  fay  fo?''  replied  hecooly.  To 
*\  be  fure  if  1  faid  (o^  it  was  fo.— Dined  in 
'^^  town  !  egad,  now  I  do  remember  1  did  dine 
*"^'in  town  ;  but  I  dined  in  the  country  too  :  For 
*^  you  mud  know,  my  boys,  I  eat  two  dinners, 
*^  By  the  by,  I  am  grown  as  nice  as  the  devil 
*'  in  m.y  eating.  I'll  tell  you  a  pleafant  affai'r 
'^  about  that  :  We  were  a  k\t€t  party  of  us  to 
'^  dine  at  Lady  Grogram^s,  an  affeded  piece  ; 
'^  but  \tt  it  go  no  farther — a  fecret  : — Well, 
*' fays  1,  ril  hold  a  thoufand  guineas,  and  fay 
*^  done  firfl:,  that — But,  dear  Charles,  you  arc 
an  honej]j  creature ;  lend  me  half  a  crown 
for  a  minute  or  two,  or  fo,  juft  till — But 
hark'e,  z(k  me  for  it  next  time  we  meet,  or 
*'  it  may  be  twenty  to  one  but  I  forget  to  pay 
"^^you." 

When  he  left  us,  our  converfation  naturally 
turned  upon  (o  extraordinary  a  charader.  *'  Hi3 
*f  very  drefs,"  cries  my  friend,  *^  is  not  \t^iS  ex- 
*^  traordinary  than  his  condud.  If  you  m.ccc 
^*  him  this  day,  you  find  him  in  rags  ;  if  tl>c 
*^  next,  in  embroidery.  With  thofe  perfons  of 
**  diftindlion,  of  whom  he  talks  fo  familiarly,  he 
**  has  fcarce  a  coffee  houfe  acquaintance.  How- 
*^  ever,  both  for  the  intereft  of  fociety,  and  per- 
^  haps  for  his  own,  heaven  has  made  him  poor; 
^^  and,  while  ail  the  world   perceives  his  wants^^ 

^^he 


ESSAYS. 


*^  he  fancies  them  concealed  from  every  eye, 
"  An  agreeable  companion,  becaufe  he  under- 
*^  (lands  flattery  ;  and  all  muft  be  pleafed  with 
**  the  firft  part  of  his  converfation,  though  all 
**  are  fure  of  its  ending  with  a  demand  on  their 
"  piirfe.  While  his  youth  countenances  the 
**  icvity  of  his  condudl,  he  may  thus  earn  a  pre- 
"  carious  fubfidence  ;  but  when  age  comes  on, 
**  the  gravity  of  which  is  incompatible  with 
*'  buffoonery,  then  will  he  find  himfelf  forfaken 
•^  by  all  j  condemned,  in  the  decline  of  life,  to 
**  hang  upon  fome  rich  family,  whom  he  once 
**  difpifed,  there  to  undergo  all  the  ingenuity 
*^  of  Ihidied  contempt;  to  be  employed  only 
*' as  a  fpy  upon  the  fervants,  or  a  bugbear  to 
**  frighten  children  into  duty/' 

ESSAY      XL 

THERE  are  fome  acquaintances  whorr^it  is 
no  eafy  matter  to  fliake  off.  My  little 
beau  yefterday  overtook  me  again  in  one  of  the 
publick  walks,  and  flapping  me  on  the  flioulder, 
faluted  me  with  an  air  of  the  mod  perfe6l  fa- 
milii-*  ity.  His  drefs  was  the  fame  as  ufual,  ex- 
cept that  he  had  more  powder  in  his  hair,  wore 
a  dirtier  fliirt,  and  had  on  a  pair  of  temple  fpec- 
tacles,  wi[h  his  hat  under  his  arm. 

As  I  knew  him  to  be  a  harmlefs  amufing 
little  thing,  I  could  not  return  his  fmiles  v;itli 
any  degree  utmoft  intimacy,  and  in  a  few  min-» 

utcs 


ESSAYS.  73 

utes  difcufTed  all  the  ufual  topics  of  a    general 
converfation. 

The  oddities  that  marked  his  chara6ter,  how^ 
ever,  foon  began  to  appear :  He  bowed  to  fev* 
eral  well  drefl'ed  perfons,  who,  by  their  manner 
of  returning  the  compliment,  appeared  perfe6l 
ftrangers.  At  intervals  he  drew  out  a  pocket 
book,  feeming  to  take  memorandums  before  all 
the  company,  with  much  importance  and  afli- 
duity.  In  this  manner  he  led  me  through  the 
length  of  the  whole  mall,  fretting  at  his  ab- 
furdities,  and  fancying  rnyfelf  laughed  at,  as 
well  as  he,  by  every  fpeclator. 

When  we  v^ere  got  to  the  end  of  o^r  pro- 
celTion,  "  Blalt  me,"  cries  he,  with  an  air  of 
vivacity,  "  I  never  faw  the  park  fo  thin  in  my 
life  before ;  there  is  no  company  at  all  to  day, 
not  a  fingle  face  to  be  feen."  "No  con^pa- 
ny!"  interrupted  I,  peevifhly;  *' no  compa- 
ny where  there  is  fuch  a  ci*0wd!  Why,  rnan^ 
there  is  too  much.  W' h  at  are  the  thou  fa  nds 
that  have  been  laughing  at  us,  but  compa- 
ny !"  '•  Lord,  my  dear,"  returned  he  with  the 
tUmoft  good  htamour,  ''you  ieem  immeiifely 
chagrined;  bat,  blaft  me,  when  the  world 
laughs  at  me,  I  laugh  at  the  World,  and  fo 
we  are  even.  My  Lord  Trip,  Bill  Squafh 
"the'Creolian,  and  I,  fometime^  niake  a  party 
at  being  ridiculous ;  and  fo  we  fay  and  do  a 
tlioufand  things  for  the  joke's  fake.  But  I 
fee  you  are  grave ;  To  if  yoii  are  for  a  fine  grave 
fen timental  companion,  you  fliall  dine  with 
in  y  wife  today;  I  mud  infi'l  on't.  I'll  in« 
G  "*'  trjduce 


(( 


«« 


74  ESSAYS* 

*'  troduce  you  to  Mrs.  Tibbs,  a  lady  of  as  ele* 
"  gant  qualifications  as  any  in  nature:  She  was 
•'  bred  (but  that's  between  ourfelves)  under  the 
*'  infpeaion  of  the  countefs  of  Shoreditch.  A 
"charming  body  of  voice!  But  no  more  of 
**  that;  ihe  (hall  give  us  a  fong.  You  ftiall 
•'  fee  my  little  girl  too,  Carolina  Wilhelmina 
*'  Amelia  Tibbs,  a  fweet  pretty  creature.  I  de- 
•'  fign  her  for  my  Lord  Drumftick's  eldeR  fon  : 
*'  But  thaf's  in  friendfhip,  let  it  go  no  farther  : 
**  She's  but  fix  years  old,  and  yet  (he  walks  a 
**  minuet,  and  plays  on  the  guitar  immenfely  al- 
''  ready.  I  intend  fhe  fhail  be  as  perfe6l  as  pof- 
''  fible  in  every  accomplifhment.  In  the  firfl 
*'  place,  ril  make  her  a  fcholar;  I'll  teach  her 
*'  Greek  myfelf,  and  I  intend  to  learn  that  Ian- 
*'  guage  purpofely  to  inflruft  her  ;  but  let  that 
*'  be  a  fecret." 

Thus  faying,  without  waiting  for  a  reply,  he 
took  me  by  the  arm,  and  hauled  me  along.  We 
palTed  through  many  dark  alleys  and  winding 
ways  •  for,  from  fome  motive,  to  me  unknown, 
he  feenied  to  have  a  particular  averfion  to  every 
frequented  ftreet :  At  laft,  however,  we  got  to  the 
door  of  a  difmal  looking  houfe  in  the  outlets  of 
the  town,  w^here  he  infomed  me  he  chofe  to  re- 
fide  for  the  benefit  of  the  air. 

We  entered  the  lower  door,  which  feemed, 
ever  to  lie  moil:  hofpitably  open  ;  and  I  began  to 
afcend  an  old  and  creaking  flair  cafe;  when,  as 
he  mounted  to  fhow  me  the  way,  he  demanded, 
whether  I  delighted  in  profpe6ls  ?  to  which  an- 
iVering   in  the  affirmative,  ''  Then,"    f^ys  he^ 

'  ^«  I 


ESSAYS. 


it 


I  fhall  (how  you  one  of  the  moll  ch.irmingout 
•*  of  my  windows  ;  we  fhall  fee  the  (hips  failings 
*'  and  the  whole  country  for  twenty  miles 
''  round,  tip  top  quite  high.  My  Lord  Swamp 
*^  would  give  ten  thoufand  guineas  for  fuch  a 
''  one;  but,  as  I_fometimes  pleafantly  tell  him, 
'*  I  always  love  to  keep  my  profpe6ls  at  home, 
*'  that  my  friends  may  come  to  fee  me  the 
**  oftener.'* 

By  this  time,  we  were  arrived  as  high  as  the 
flairs  would  permit  us  to  afcend,  till  we  came 
to  what  he  was  facetioufly  pleafed  to  call  the 
firfl  floor  down  the  chimney ;  and  knocking  at 
the  door,  a  voice  with  a  Scotch  accent,  from 
within  demanded,  ''  Wha's  there  ?"  My  con- 
du6lor  anfwered,  that  it  was  him.  But  this 
not  fatisfying  the  querill,  the  voice  again  re- 
peated the  demand  ;  to  which  he  anfwered  loud- 
er than  before,  and  now  the  door  was  opened  by 
an  old  maidfervant  with  cautious  relu6lance. 

When  we  were  got  in,  he  welcomed  me  to  his 
houfe  with  great  ceremony,  and,  turning  to  the 
old  woman,  afked  where  her  lady  was.  '*  Good 
*•*  troth,''  replied  flie  in  the  northern  dialed;, 
**  (he's  waftiing  your  twa  (hirts  at  the  next  door, 
*'  becaufe  they  have  taken  an  oath  againft  Icnd- 
**  ing  out  the  tub  any  longer.'*  *'  My  two 
*'  fhirts !''  cries  he,  in  a.  tone  that  faltered  with 
cpnfufion,  "  what  does  the  ideot  mean  ?"  "1 
**  ken  what  I  me^n  well  enough,*'  replied  the 
other;  ''  fhe  is  walhing  your  twa  fhirts  at  the 
**  next  door,  becaufe" — "  Fire  and  fury,  no 
**  more  of  thy    flupid  explanations/' cried  he : 

*'  Go 


75  ESSAYS. 

*^  Go  and  inform  her  we  have  got  company, 
*'  Were  that  Scotch  hag,"  continued  he,  turn- 
ing to  me,  **  to  be  forev^er  in  my  family,  (he 
*'  would  never  learn  politenefs,  nor  forget  that 
**  abfurd  poifonous  accent  of  hers,  or  teflify  the 
'•  fmalleft  fpecimen  of  breeding  or  high  life; 
"  and  yet  it  is  very  furprifing  too,  as  I  had  her 
"  from  a  parliament  man,  a  friend  of  mine, from 
"  the  Highlands  ;  one  of  the  politefl  men  in  the 
"  woild;  but  that's  a  fecret." 

We  waited  fome  time  for  Mrs.  Tibb*s  ar- 
lival,  during  which  interval  1  had  a  full  op- 
portunity of  furveying  the  chamber  and  all  its 
furniture,  which  confifted  of  four  chairs  with 
old  wrought  boftoms.  that  he  afTured  me  were 
his  wife's  embroidery  ;  a  fquare  table  that  had 
been  once  japanned,  a  cradle  in  one  corner,  a 
lumber  cabinet  in  the  other;  a  broken  fhep- 
herdefs,  and  a  mandarine  without  a  head,  were 
fluck  over  the  chimney;  and  round  the  v/alls 
feveral  paltry  unframed  piQures,  which  he  ob- 
ferved  were  all  of  his  own  drawing.  *'  What 
^'  do  you  think,  Sir,  of  that  head  in  the  corner, 
'*  done  in  the  manner  of  Grifoni  ?  There's  the 
**'  t.ue  keeping  in  it;  it  is  my  own  face  ;  and 
*'  though  there  happens  to  be  no  likenefs,  a 
'*  countefs  offered  me  a  hundred  for  its  fd^ 
*' low  :  I  refufed  her,  for,  hang  it,  that  would 
**  be  mechanical,  you  know/* 

The  wife,  at  lafl,  made  her  appearance,  at 
once  a  flattern  and  a  coquet;  much  emaciatedj 
but  ftill  carrying  the  remains  of  beauty.  She 
made  twenty  apologies  for  being  feen  in  fuch  au 

odious 


ESSAYS.  77 

cdious  dilhabille,  but  hoped  to  be  excufed,  as 
fhehad  (laid  out  all  night  at  Vauxhall  Gardens 
with  the  countefs,  who  was  exceffiveiy  fond  of 
thQ  horns.  "  And  indeed,  my  dear/'  added  fhe, 
turning  to  her  hufband,  *'  his  Lordfliip  drank 
**  your  health  in  a  bumper.''  '*  Poor  Jack/' 
cries  he,  "  a  dear  good  natnred  creature,  I  know 
"  he  loves  me.  But  Ihope,  my  dear,  you  have 
**  given  orders  for  dinner  :  You  need  make  no 
*^'  great  preparations  neither  ;  there  are  but  three 
"  of  us;  fomething  elegant,  and  little  will  do  ; 
"a  turbot,  an  ortolan,  or  a- — "  '' Or  what 
**  do  you  .  think,  my  dear,"  interrupts  the  wife, 
**  of  a  nice  pretty  bit  of  ox  cheekj  piping  hot, 
*'  and  drelfed  with  a  little  of  my  own  fauce  ?" 
'^Therery  thing,''  replied  "he  ;  ''  it  will  eat  befl 
** with  fome  fmart  botded  beer  ;  butbefureto 
*'  let  us  have  the  fauce  his  Grace  was  fo  fond  of. 
*'  1  hate  your  immenfe  loads  of  meat ;  that  is 
*' country  ail  over;  extreme  difgu  fling  to  thofe 
*"  who  are  in  the  leail  acquain-ted  with  high 
*Mife." 

By  this  time  my  curiofity  began  to  abate,  and 
my  appetite  to  increafe.  The  company  of  fools 
may  at  fir  ft  make  us  fmile,  butatlail  never  fails 
of  rendering  us  melancholy.  I  therefore  pre- 
tended to  recolle6l  a  prior  engagement,  and,  af- 
ter having  Qiown  my  refpe6l  to  the  houfe,  hy 
giving  the  old  fervant  a  piece  of  money  at  the 
door,  r took  my  leave;  Mr.  Tibbs  afHiring  me, 
that  dinner,  if  I  (laid,  would  be  ready  at  leall  in 
hh  than  two  l^ours. 

G  2  ESSAY 


78  ESSAYS- 


ESSAY     XIL 

AS  it  hath  been  obferved,  that  few  are  bet- 
ter qualified  to  give  others  advice,  than 
thoie  who  have  taken  the  leaft  of  it  themfelves  ; 
fo,  in  this  rerpe6l,  I  find  myfelf  perfectly  au» 
thorifed  to  offer  mine  ;  and  mud  take  leave  ta 
throw  together  a  few  obfervations  upon  that 
part  of  a  young  raan's  condu6l  on  his  entering; 
into  life,  as  it  is  called. 

The  moil  ufual  way  among  young  men  who 
have  no  refolution  of  their  own,  is,  firft  to  afk 
one  friend's  advice,  and  follow  it  for  fome  time  ; 
then  to  afk  advice  of  another,  and  turn  to  that  ; 
i'o  of  a  third,  flill  unfteady,  always  changing. 
However,  every  change  of  this  nature  is  for  the 
wovfc  :  People  may  tell  you  of  your  being  unfit 
for  fome  peculiar  occupations  in  life  ;  but  heed 
them  not  :  Whatever  employment  you  follow 
with  perfeverance  and  afliduity,  will  be  found 
fit  for  you  ;  it  will  be  your  fupport  in  youths 
and  comfort  in  age.  In  learning  the  ufeful 
part  of  every  prcfellion,  very  moderate  abilities 
willfuffice  :  Great  abilities  are  generally  obnox- 
ious to  the  poireffors.  Life  has  been  compared 
to  a  race;  but  the  allufion  flill  improves,  by  ob- 
ferving,  that  the  mofl  fwift  are  ever  the  moft 
apt  to  llray  from  the  courfe. 

To  know  one  profeffion  only,  is  enough  for 
one  man  to  know  ;  and  this,  whatever  the  pro- 
fellbrs  may  tell  you  to  the  contrary,  is  foon 
learned.     Be  contented,  therefore,  wjth  one  good 

employment; 


ESSAYS.^  79 

employment  ;  for  if  you  underfland  two  at  a 
time,  people  will  give  you  bufinefs  in  neither. 

A  conjurer  and  a  taylor  once  happened  to 
converfe  together.  "  Alas  !"  cries  the  taylor, 
*'  what  an  unhappy  poor  creature  am  I  !  If 
*'  people. ever  take  it  into  their  heads  to  live 
*'  without  clothes,  I  am  undone  ;  I  have  no 
*^  other  trade  to  have  recourfe  to."  "  Indeed, 
*'  friend,  I  pity  you  fincerely,"  replies  the  con- 
jurer;  ''but,  thank  heaven,  things  are  not  quite 
'*  fo  bad  with  me  :  For  if  one  trick  fliould  fail, 
*'  I  have  a  hundred  tricks  more  for  them  yet, 
*'  However,  if  at  any  time  you  are  reduced  to 
'<=  beggary,  apply  to  me,  and  I  will  relieve  you/' 
A  famine  overfpread  the  land  :  The  taylor  made 
a  ftiift  to  live,  becaufe  his  cuftomers  could  not 
be  without  clothes  ;  but  the  poor  conjurer,  with 
all  his  hundred  tricks,  could  find  none  that  had 
money  to  throw  away»  It  was  in  vain  that  he 
promifed  to  eat  fire,  or  to  vomit  pins ;  no  fingle 
creature  would  relieve  him  :  Till  he  was  at  laft 
obliged  to  beg  from  the  very  taylor  whofe  calL 
ing  he  had  formerly  defpifed. 

There  are  no  obflrudions  more  fatal  to  for- 
tune, than  pride  and  refentment.  If  you  mud 
refent  injuries  at  ail,  at  lead  fupprefs  your  in- 
dignation till  you  become  rich,  and  then  fhow 
away.  The  refentment  of  a  poor  man  is  like 
the  efforts  of  a  harmlefs  inft^c  to  (ling  ;  it  may 
get  him  crufhed,  but  cannot  defend  him.  Who 
values  that  ar^r  which  is  confumed  only  in 
empty  menaces  ? 

Once 


8o  E    S'   S    A    Y    S. 

Once  upon  a  time,  a  goofe  fed  its  young  by  a^ 
pond  fide  ;  and  a  goofe,  in  fuch  circumftance^, 
is  always  extremely  proud,  and  excefTively  punc- 
tilious. If  any  other  animal,  without  the  lead 
defign  to  offend,  happened  to  pafs  that  way,  the 
goofe  was  immediately  at  it.  The  pond,  (he 
faid,  was  hers,  and  fhe  would  maintain  her  right 
in  it,  and  fupport  her  honour,  while  fhe  had  a 
bill  to  hifs,  or  a  wing  to  flutter.  In  this  man- 
ner fhe  drove  away  ducks,  pigs  and  chickens  ; 
nay,  even  the  infidious  cat  was  feen  to  fcamper. 
A  lounging  mafliff,  however,  happened  to  pafs 
by,  and  thought  it  no  harm  if  he  fhould  lap  a 
little  of  the  water,  as  he  was  thiifly.  The  guar- 
dian goofe  flew  at  him  like  a  fury,  pecked  at 
him  with  her  beak,  and  flapped  him  with  her 
feathers.  The  dog  gr^w  angry,  and  had  twen- 
ty times  a  mind  to  give  her  a  fly  fnap;  butfup- 
preflinc^  his  indignation,  becaule  his  mafler  was 
nigh,  *'  A  pox  take  thee,"  cries  he,  *'  for  a  fool ; 
*'  fure  thofe  who  have  neither  ftrength  nor  weap- 
^'  ons  to  fight,  at  leaft  fhould  be  civil."  So  faying, 
he  went  forward  to  the  pond,  quenched  his  thirfl 
in  fpiie  of  the  goofe,  and  followed  his  mafter. 

Another  obftruftion  t«  the  fortune  of  youth*, 
is,  that,  while  they  are  willing  ta  take  offence 
from  none,  they  are  alfo  equally  defirous  of 
giving  nobody  offence.  From  hence  they  en- 
deavour to  pleafe  all,  comply  with  every  requeft, 
and  attempt  to  fuitthemfelves  to  every  company; 
have  no  will  of  their  owh  ;  but,^ike  wax,  catch 
every  contiguous  impreffion.  By  thus  attempt- 
ing[  to  give  univerfai  fatisfaflion,  they  at   la  ft 

find 


ESSAYS.  81 

/indthemfelvesmiferablydirappointcd  :  To  bring 
the  generality  of  admirers  on  our  lidCj  it  is  luf-. 
ficientto  attempt  pleaiing  a  very  ftw. 

-A  painter  of  eminc^nce  wa.s  once  refolved  to 
finii'h  a  piece  which  fhould  pleafe  the  whole 
world.  When,  therefore  he  had  drawn  a  pi6ture 
in  which  his  utmcH;  flcill  was  exhaufled,  it  was 
expofed  in  the  pubiick  market  place,  with  di- 
rections at  the  bottom,  for  every  Ipedator  to 
mark  with  a  brufh,  that  lay  by,  every  limb  and 
feature  which  feemed  erroneous.  The  fpe£la- 
tors  came,  and,  in  general  applauded ;  but, 
each  willing  to  fhow  his  talent  at  criticifm,  ftig^^ 
matifed  whatever  he  thought  proper.  At  eve- 
ning, when  the  painter  came,  he  was  mortified 
to  find  the  piclure  one  univerfal  blot,  not  a  fin- 
gle  flroke  that  had  not  the  marks  of -difappro- 
bation.  Not  fatisfied  with  this  trial,  the  next 
day  he  was  refolved  to  try  them  in  a  different 
manner;  and,  expofmg  his  piclure  as  before, 
defired  that  every  fpe6lator  w^ould  mark  thofe 
beauties  he  approved  or  admired.  The  people 
complied,  and  the  artift  returning,  found  his 
pi6lure  covered  with  the  marks  of  beauty  :  Eve- 
ry ftroke  that  had  been  yefterday  condemnedi, 
now  received  the  chara6ier  of  approbation. 
''  Well,'*  cries  the  painter,  ''I  now  find,  tha^t 
*•  the  befl  way  to  pleafe  all  the  world,  13  to  at.» 
*'  tempt  pleafing  one  half  of  it." 

ESSAY 


82  ESSAYS. 


ESSAY   XIII. 


INDULGENT  Nature  feems  to  have  ex- 
empted this  ifland  from  many  of  thofe  epi- 
demic evils  which  are  fo  fatal  in  other  parts  of 
the  world.  A  want  of  rain,  for  a  few  days  be^ 
yond  the  expefted  feafon,  in  fome  parts  of  the 
globe,  fpreads  famine,  defolation  and  terror, 
over  the  whole  country;  bu tin  this  fortixnate 
land  of  Britain,  the  inhabitant  courts  health  in 
every  breeze,  and  the  hufbandman  ever  fows  in 
joyful  expeftation. 

But,  though  the  nation  be  exempt  from  real 
evils,  it  is  not  more  happy  on  this  account  than 
others.  The  people  are  affli£led,  it  is  true, 
with  neither  famine  norpeflilence ;  but  thari 
there  is  a  diforder  peculiar  to  the  country,  which, 
every^  feafon  makes  flrange  ravages  among 
them:  It  fpreads  with  peililential  rapidity,  and 
infe«51s  almoft  every  rank  of  people  ;  and,  what 
is  ftiil  more  ftrange,  the  natives  have  no  name 
for  this  peculiar  malady,  though  well  known  to 
foreign  phyficians  by  the  appellation  of  Epidem- 
ic Terror. 

A  feafon  is  never  known  to  pafs  in  which  the 
people  are  not  vilited  by  this  cruel  calamity,  in 
one  ihape  or  another,  feemingly  different,  tho' 
ever  .he  fame.  One  year  itiffues  from  a  bak- 
er's Ihop  in  the  fhape  of  a  fixpenny  loaf;  the 
next  it  takes  the  appearance  of  a  comet  with  a 
fiery  t^le  ;  the  third  it  threatens  like  a  fiat  bot- 
tomed boat;  and  the  fourth  it  carries  confterna- 

tion 


ESSAYS.  83 

tion  in  the  bite  of  a  mad  dog.  The  people 
when  once  infeded,  loofe  their  reli(h  of  happi- 
nefs,  faunter  about  with  looks  of  defpondence, 
afk  after  the  calamities  of  the  day,  and  receive 
no  comfort  but  in  heightening  each  other's  dif- 
trefs.  It  is  infignificant  how  remote  or  near, 
how  weak  or  powerful  the  obje6l  of  terror  may 
be,  when  once  they  refolve  to  fright,  and  be 
frighted :  The  merefl  trifles  fow  conllernation 
and  difmay  ;  each  proportions  his  fears,  not  to 
the  objed,  but  to  the  dread  he  difcovers  in  the 
countenance  of  others  ;  for,  when  once  the  fer- 
mentation is  begun,  it  goes  onof  itielf,  though 
the  orignal  caufe  be  difcontinued  which  firfl  fe£ 
it  in  motion. 

A  dread  of  mad  dogs  is  the  epidemic  terror 
which  now  prevails,  and  the  whole  nation  is  at 
prefent  a6lually  groaning  under  the  malignity 
of  its  influence.  The  people  fally  from  their 
houfes  with  that  circumfpeftion  which  is  pru- 
dent in  fuch  as  expe6l  a  mad  dog  at  every  turn- 
ing. The  phyiician  publiflies  his  prefcription, 
the  beadle  prepares  his  halter,  and  a  few  of  un- 
ufual  bravery  arm  themfelves  with  boots  and 
bufF  gloves,  in  order  to  face  the  enemy,  if 
^he  fhould  off'er  to  attack  them.  In  fliort,  the 
whole  people  fland  bravely  upon  their  defence, 
and  feem,  by  their  prefent  fpirit;  to  ihow  a  refo- 
luiion  of  being  tamely  bit  by  mad  dogs  no  long- 
er. 

Their  manner  of  knowing  whether  a  dog  be 
mad  or  not,  fomewhat  refembles  the  ancient 
Gothic  cufl:om  of  trying  witches*  The  old  wo- 
man 


H  ESS    A    Y    S. 

man  fufpc6lcd  was  tied  hand  and  foot,  and 
thrown  into  the  water.  If  ihe  fwam,  thenfhe 
was  inflantly  carried  ofF  to  be  burnt  for  a 
witch  ;  if  fhe  funk,  then  indeed  fhe  was  ac, 
C]uitted  of  the  charge,  but  drowned  in  the 
experiment.  In  the  fame  manner,  a  crowd 
gather  round  a  dog  fufpc6led  of  madnefs,  and 
they  begin  by  teazing  the  devoted  animal  on 
every  fide.  If  he  attempt  to  ftand  upon  the 
defenfive,  and  bite,  then  is  he  unanimoufly  found 
guilty;  for**  a  mad  dog  always  fnaps  at  every 
thing/'  If,  on  the  contrary,  he  drives  to 
efcape  by  running  away,  then  he  can  cxpe6l  no 
compafTion  ;  for  "  mad  dogs  always  run  ftraight 
**  forw^ard  before  them.'* 

It  is  pleafant  enough  for  a  neutral  being  like 
me,  who  has  no  fhare  in  thofe  ideal  calamities, 
to  mark  the  ftages  of  this  rational  difeafe.  The 
terror  at  firft  feebly  enters  with  a  difregarded 
ftory  of  a  little  dog  that  had  gone  through  a 
neighboring  village,  which  was  thought  to  be 
mad  by  feveral  who  had  feen  him.  The  next 
account  comes,  that  a  maftiff  ran  through  a 
certain  town, and  had  bitten  fivegeefe,  which  im- 
mediately ran  mad,  foamed  at  the  bill,  and 
died  in  great  agonies  foon  after.  Then  comes 
an  affecting  hiftory  of  a  litte  boy  bitten  in  the  leg 
and  gone  down  to  be  dipped  in  the  fait  water. 
When  the  people  have  fufficiently  fliuddered  at 
that,  they  are  next  congealed  with  a  frightful 
account  of  a  man  who  was  faid  lately  to  have 
died  from  a  bite  he  had  received  fome  years  be* 
fore.     This    relation  only  prepares  the  way  for 

ano-ther 


ESSAYS.  85 

another  flill  more  hideous;  as,  how  the  mafter 
of  a  family,  with  feven  fmail  children,  were  all 
bitten  by  a  mad  lap  dog :  And  how  the  poor  fa- 
ther firfl  perceived  the  infe6tion  by  calling  for  a 
draught  of  water,  where  he  faw  the  lap  ddg 
fwimming  in  the  cup. 

When  epidemic  terror  is  thus  once  excited, 
every  morning  comes  loaded  wkh  fome  new 
difafter.  As  in  liories  of  ghofts,  each  loves  to 
hear  the  account,  though  it  only  ferves  to  make 
him  uneafy;  fo,  here,  each  liftens  with  eager- 
nefs,  and  adds  to  the  tidings  with  new  circam- 
fiances  of  peculiar  horror.  A  lady,  for  in- 
flance,  in  the  country,  of  very  weak  nerves,  has 
been  frighted  by  the  barking  of  a  dog;  and 
this,  alas !  too  frequently  happens.  The  flory 
foon  is  improved,  and  fpreads,  that  a  mad  dog 
had  flighted  a  lady  of  diiliniTdon.  Thefe  cir- 
cam  fiances  begin  to  grow  terrible  before  thev 
have  reached  the  neighbouring  village;  and 
there  the  r.'^.ort  is,  that  a  lady  of  «a]it^  vra^ 
bitten  b/ a  mad  mafliif.  This  account  every  mo- 
ment gathers  new  ftrength,  and  grows  more 
difmal  as  it  approaches  the  capital ;  and,  by 
the  time  it  has  arrived  in  town,  the  lady  is 
defciibed  with  wild  eyes,  foaming  mouth,  run- 
ning mad  upon  all  four,  barking  like  a  do^,  biu 
ing  her  fervants,  and  at  lafl  finothercd  between 
two  beds,  by  the  advice  of  her  do6lors  ;  while 
the  mad  m-aftiff  is,  in  the  mean  time  ranging 
the  whole  country  over,  flavcring  at  the  mouth 
and  iceking  whom  hejcnay  de^'^,*!, 

H  Mv 


86  ESSAYS. 

My  landlady,  a  good  natured  woman,  but  a 
little  credulous,  waked  me  fome  mornings  ago 
before  the  ufual  hour,  with  horror  and  afloniQi- 
ment  in  her  looks.  She  defircd  me,  if  I  had 
any  regard  for  my  fafety,  to  keep  within  ;  for,  a 
few  days  ago,  fo  difmal  an  accident  had  happen- 
ed, as  to  put  all  the  world  upon  their  guard.  A 
mad  dog,  down  in  the  country,  fhe  aflured  me, 
had  bit  a  farmer,  who  foon  becoming  mad,  ran 
into  his  own  yard,  and  bit  a  fine  brindled  cow  : 
The  cow  quickly  became  as  mad  as  the  man, 
began  to  foam  at  the  mouth,  and  railing  herfelf 
up,  walked  about  on  her  hind  legs,  fometimes 
barking  like  a  dog,  and  lometimes  attempting 
to  talk  like  the  farmer.  Upon  examining  the 
grounds  of  this  ftory,  I  found  my  landlady  had 
it  from  one  neighbor,  who  had  it  from  another 
neighbor,  who  heaixl  it  from  very  good  authority. 

Were  mofl  ftories  of  this  nature  well  exam- 
ined, it  would  be  found,  that  numbers  of  fuch 
as  have  beeji  faid  to  fuffer,  were  no  Way  injured ; 
and  that  of  thofe  who  have  been  a6lually  bitten, 
iiot  one  in  a  hundred  was  bitten  by  a  mad  dog. 
Such  accounts  in  general,  therefore,  only  ferve 
to  make  the  people  miierable  by  falfe  terrors, 
and  fometimes  fright  the  patient  into  a6lual 
phrenzy,  by  creating  thofe  very  fymptoms  they 
pretend  to  deplore. 

But,  even  allowing  three  or  four  to  die  in  a 
feafon  of  this  terrible  death,  (and  four  is  proba- 
bly too  large  a  conceflion)  yet  ftill  it  is  not  con- 
fidered  how  nniiy  are  preferved  in  their  health 
and  in  their  property  by  this  devoted  animal's 

fervices. 


ESSAYS.  87 

fendces.  The  midnight  robber  is  kept  at  a 
diftance;  the  infidious  thief  is  often  dete6led  ; 
ihe  healthful  chafe  repairs  many  a  worn  con  ft i- 
tution ;  and  the  poor  man  finds  in  his  dog  a 
willing  affiflant  eager  to  leffen  his  toil,  and  con- 
tent with  the  fmallell  retribution. 

*•  A  dog,"  fays  one  of  the  Englifh  poets,  *•  is 
*'  an  honed  creature,  and  I  am  a  friend  to  dogs/* 
Of  all  the  beads  that  graze  the  lawn,  or  hunt 
the  foreft,  a  dog  is  the  only  animal  that,  leav- 
ing his  fellows,  attempts  to  cultivate  the  friend- 
fhip  of  man ;  to  man  he  looks  in  all  his  neceffi- 
ties,  with  a  fpeaking  eye,  for  affillance  ;  exerts, 
for  him,  all  the  little  fervice  in  his  power  with 
chearfulneis  and  pleafure  :  For  him,  bears  fam- 
ine and  fatigue  with  patience  and  refignation  ; 
no  injuries  can  abate  his  fidelity  ;  no  diftrefs  in- 
duce him  to  forfake  his  benefaclor :  Studious  to 
pleafe,  and  fearing  to  offend,  he  is  ilill  a  hum- 
ble, ftedfafl  dependent;  and  in  him,  alone, 
fawning  is  not  flattery.  How  unkind,  then,  to 
torture  this  faithful  creature,  who  has  left  the 
foreft  to  (jlaim  the  protection  of  man  !  How- 
ungrateful  a  return  to  the  trufty  animal  for  all 
its  fervices  ! 


ESSAY     XIV. 

AGE,  that  leiTens  the  enjoyment  of  life,  in- 
creafes  our  defire  of  living.     Thofc  dan- 
gers which,  in  the  vigor  of  youth,  we  had  learn- 

ed 


88  ESSAYS. 

ed  to  defpife,  affume  new  terrors  as  we  grow  old. 
Our  caution  increafing  as  our  years  increafe, 
fear  becomes  at  lad  the  prevailing  paflion  of  the 
mind;  and  the  frnall  remainder  of  life  is  taken 
up  in  ufelefs  efforts  to  keep  off  our  end,  or  pro- 
vide for  a  continued  exiftence. 

Strange  contradidlion  in  our  nature,  and  to 
V  ijich  even  the  wife  are  liable  !  If  1  fhould  judge 
.f  ihat  part  of  life  which  lies  before  me,  by  that 
which  I  have  already  feen,  the  profpedl  is  hid- 
itous.  Experience  tells  me,  that  my  pafl  enjoy- 
jnents  have  brought  no  real  felicity  ;  and  fenfa- 
tion  alFures  me,  that  thofe  1  have  felt,  areftrong- 
or  than  thofe  which  are  vet  to  come.  Yet  ex- 
perience  and  fenfation  in  vain  peifuade  ;  hope, 
snore  powerful  than  either,  dreifes  out  the  dif- 
i.ant  profped  iu  fancied  beauty  ;  fome  happi- 
xicis.  io  long  perfpe61;ive,  dill  beckons  me  to 
pTirfue  ;  and,  like  a  iofing  gamefter,  every  new 
dirappointment  increafes  my  ardor,  to  continue 
liie  <^ame. 

Whence  then  is  this  increafed  love  of  life, 
which  grows  upon  us  with  our  years  ?  whence 
comes  it,  that  we  thus  make  greater  efforts  to 
preferve  our  exigence,  at  a  period  when  it  be- 
comes fcarce  worth  the  keeping?  Is  it  that  Na- 
ture, attentive  to  the^ preservation  of  mankind, 
increafes  our  wiflies  to  live,  while  (he  Icffens  our 
enjoyments  ?  and,  as  fl:e'tobs  the  fenfes  of  ev- 
ery pleafure,  equips  imagination  in  the  fpoils  ? 
Life  would  be  infupportable  to  an  old  man, 
who,  loaded  with  infirmities,  feared  death  no 
more  than  when  in  the  vigor  of  manhood  :  Th^ 

numbsrlers 


ESSAYS.  89 

aumberlefs  calamities  of  decaying  nature,  and 
the  confcioufnefs  of  furviving  every  pleafure^ 
would  at  once  induce  him.  with  his  own  hand, 
to  terminate  the  fcene  of  mifery  :  But,  happily, 
the  contempt  of  death  forfakes  him  at  a  time 
when  it  could  only  be  prejudicial  ;  and  life  ac- 
quires an  imaginary  value,  in  proportion  as  its 
real  value  is  no  more. 

Our  attachment  to  every  obje6l  around  usin- 
creafes,  in  general,  from  the  length  of  our  ac- 
quaintance with  it.  ''  I  would  not  choofe,'' 
fays  a  French  philofopher,  "  to  fee  an  old  poll 
''  pulled  up  with  which  1  have  long  been  ac- 
*'  quainted.''  A  mind  long  habituated  to  a 
certain  fet  of  obje61s,  infenlibly  becomes  fond 
of  feeing  them,  vihts  them  from  habit,  and 
parts  from  them  with  relu6lance.  From  hence 
proceeds  the  avarice  of  the  old  in  every  kind  ot 
poffeffion  :  They  love  the  world,  and  ail  that  it 
produces;,  they  love  life  and  all  its  advantag- 
es ;  not  becaufe  it  gives  them  pieafurc,  but  be- 
caufe  they  have  known  it  long. 

Chinvang  the  Chafle,  afcending  the  throne  of 
China,  commanded  that  all  who  were  unjuilly 
detained  inprifon,  during  the  preceding  reigns, 
fhould  be  fet  free.  Among  the  number  who 
came  to  thank  their  deliverer  on.  this  occafion, 
tiiere  appeared  a  majedic  old  man,  who,  failinp- 
at  the  emperor's  feet,  addrefleJ  him  as  follows  : 
"  Great  father  of  China,  behold  a  wretch,  novr 
*'eiohtyfive  years  old,  who  was  fliut  up  in  i\ 
*' d'ungeon  at  the  age  of  twentvtwo.  1  vv-a^ 
**imprironed,  though  a  liranger  to  crime,  or 
H  3  *•  withouti 


go  ESSAYS. 

*•  without  being  ever  confronted  by  my  accuf- 
''ers.  I  have  now  lived  in  foiitude  and  dark- 
'*  nefs  for  more  than  fifty  years,  and  am  grown 
*'  familiar  with  diftrefs.  As  yet  dazzled  with 
*'  the  fplendor  of  that  fun  to  which  you  have 
''  rellored  me,  I  have  been  wandering  the  flreets 
'•'  to  find  out  fome  friend  that  would  affift,  or 
''relieve,  or  remember  me:  But  my  friends, 
''my  family  and  relations,  are  ail  dead,  and  I 
*'  am  forgotten.  Permit  me,  then,  O  Chin- 
'*  vang,  to  wear  out  the  wretched  remains  of 
"  life  in  my  former  prifon  :  The  walls  of  my 
'  dungeon  are  to  me  more  pleafing  than  the 
'*  moft  fplendid  palace.  I  have  not  long  to 
"  live,  and  fhall  be  unhappy  except  I  fpend 
*'  the  reft  of  my  days  where  my  youth  was  pafT- 
''  ed ;  in  that  prifon  from  whence  you  were 
**  pleafed  to  releafe  me.'* 

The  old  man'^s  paflion  for  confinement  is  fim- 
ilar  to  that  we  all  have  for  life.  We  are  habitu^ 
ated  to  the  prifon,  we  look  round  with  difcon- 
tent,  are  difpleafed  with  the  abode,  and  yet  the 
length  of  our  captivity  only  increafes  our  fond- 
nefs  for  the  celi.  The  trees  we  have  planted, 
the  houfes  we  have  built,  or  the  pofterity  we 
have  begotten,  all  ferve  to  bind  us  clofer  to  the 
earth  and  embitter  our  parting.  Life  fues  the 
young  like  a  new  acquaintance:  The  compan- 
ion, as  yet  unexhaufted,  is  at  once  inftruclive 
and  amufing  ;  its  company  pleafes ;  yet,  for  all 
this  it  is  but  little  regarded.  To  us,  who  are 
declined  in  years,  life  appears  like  an  old  friend  ^ 
its  jells  have  been  anticipated  in  former   con- 

verfatioa ; 


ESSAYS.  9i 

verfation :  It  hath  no  new  flory  to  make  ua 
fmile,  no  new  improvement  with  which  to  fur- 
prife;  yet  ftill  we  love  it :  Deftitute  of  every 
enjoyment,  ftill  we  love  it;  hufband  the  wafting 
treafure  with  increafing  frugality,  and  feel  all 
the  poignancy  of  anguifti  in  the  fatal  fepara- 
tion. 

Sir  Philip  Mordaunt  was  young,  beautiful, 
fincere,  brave,  an  Englifliman.  He  had  a  com- 
plete fortune  of  his  own,  and  the  love  of  the 
king  his  mafter,  which  was  equivalent  to  rich- 
es. Life  opened  all  her  treafures  before  him, 
and  promifed  a  long  fucceftion  of  happinefs. 
He  came,  tafted  of  the  entertainment,  but  was 
dilgufted  even  at  the  beginning.  He  profefled 
an  averfion  to  living ;  was  tired  of  walking 
round  the  fame  circle  ;  had  tried  every  enjoy- 
ment, and  found  them  all  grow  weaker  at  ev- 
ery repetition.  *'  If  life  be,  in  youth,  fo  dif- 
pleaftng,''  cried  he  to  himfelf,"  What  will  it 
*'  appear  when  age  comes  on  ?  If  it  be  atprefent 
''  indifferent,  fure  it  will  then  be  execrable." 
This  thought  embittered  every  refledion  ;  till 
at  laft,with  all  the  ferenity  of  perverted  reafon, 
he  ended  the  debate  with  a  piftol !  Had  this 
felf  deluded  man  been  apprized,  that  exiftence 
grows  more  defirable  to  us  the  longer  we  exift, 
he  would  then  have  faced  old  age  without 
fhrinking  ;  he  would  have  boldly  dared  to  live; 
and  ferved  that  fociety  by  his  future,  affiduity, 
which  he  bafely  injured  by  his  defertion. 

ESSAY 


92  E    S     S    A     y    S- 

ESSAY     XV. 

FOREIGNERS  obferve,  that  there  are  no 
ladies  in  the  world  more  beantiFt-il  or  more 
ili  dreffed  than  thoi'e  of  England.  Our  couni- 
try  women  have  been  compared  to  thofe  pic- 
tures, where  the  face  is  the  work  of  Raphael, 
but  the  draperies  thrown  out  by  fome  empty 
pretender,  deilitute  of  tade,  and  entirely  unac- 
•quainted  with  dehgn. 

If  I  were  a  poet,  i  might  obferve  on  this  oc- 
cafion,  that  fo  much  beauty,  let  olF  with  all  the 
advantages  of  drefs^  would  be  too  powerful  an 
antagoniil  for  the  oppofite  fex;  and  therefore 
It  was  wifely  ordered,  that  our  ladies  Ihouldwant 
taile.  led  their  admirers  lliould  entirely  want 
reafon. 

But,  to  confefs  a  truth;  I  do  not  find  they 
have  a  greater  averfion  to  fine  clothes  than  the- 
women  of  any  other  country  whatfoever.  I 
cannot  fancy  that  a  Ihopkeeper's  wife  in  Cheap- 
fide  has  a  greater  tendernefs  for  the  fortune  of 
her  hufband,  than  a  citizen's  wife  in  Paris  ;  or 
that  Mifs  in  a  boarding  fchool,  is  more  an  econ- 
omidin  drefs,  than  Mademoifelle  in  a  nunnery. 

Although  Paris  rnav  be  accounted  the  foil  m 
which  ahnofl  every  falhion  takes  its  rile,  its  in- 
fluence is  never  fo  general  there  as  with  us. 
Thev  dudv  there  the  happy  method  of  uniting 
grace  and  falhion,  and  never  excufe  a  woman 
for  being  awkwardly  drclTed,  by  faying  her 
clothes  are  in  the  mode.     A  French  woman  is- 

a 


ESSAYS.  93 

a  perfea  architea  in  drefs  :  She  never,  with 
Gothic  ignorance,  mixes  the  orders  :  She  never 
tricks  out  a  fquabby  Doric  fhape  with  Corinthi- 
an finery  ;  or,  to  fpeak  without  metaphor,  fhe 
conforms  to  a  general  falhion,  only  when  it  hap- 
pens not  to  be  repugnant  to  private  beauty. 

The  Englifh  ladies,  on  the  contrary,  leem 
to  have  no  other  flandard  of  grace  but  the  run 
of  the  town.  If  fafhion  give  the  word,  every 
diflin61ion  of  beauty,  complexion,  or  ftature, 
ceafes.  Sweeping  trains,  Pruflian  bonnets, 
and  troUopees,  as  like  each  other  as  if  cut 
from  the  fame  piece,  level  all  to  one  flandard. 
The  Mall,  the  gardens,  and  play  houfes,  are 
filled  with  ladies  in  uniform  ;  and  their  whole 
appearance  fhows  as  little  variety  of  tafte,  as  if 
their  clothes  were  befpoken  by  the  colonel  of  a 
marching  regiment,  or  fancied  by  the  artift  who 
dreffes  the  three  baltallions  of  guards. 

But  not^only  the  ladies  of  every  fhape  and 
complexion,  but  of  every  age  too,  are  poffefTed 
of  this  unaccountable  paffion  for  levelling  all 
di{lin6lion  in  drefs.  The  lady  of  no  quality  trav- 
els faft  behind  the  lady  of  fome  quality  ;  and 
a  wortian  of  fixty  is  as  gaudy  as  her  grand- 
daughter. A  friend  of  mine,'a  goodnatured  old 
man,  amufed  me,  the  other  day,  with  an  ac- 
count of  his  journey  to  the  Mall.  It  feems,  in 
his  walk  thither,  he,  for  fome  time,  followed  a 
lady,  who,  as  he  thought  by  her  drefs,  was  a 
girl  of  fifteen  :  It  was  airy,  elegant  and  youth- 
ful. My  old  friend  had  called  up  all  his  poet- 
ry on  this  occafion,  and  fancied  twenty  Cupid's. 

prepared 


94  ESSAYS. 

prepared  for  execurion  in  every  folding  of  her 
white  negligee :  He  had  prepared  his  imagina- 
tion for  an  angel's  face.  But,  what  was  his 
mortification  to  find,  that  the  imaginary  god- 
defs  was  no  other  than  his  coufin  Hannah  fome 
years  older  than  himfelf ! 

But,  to  give  it  In  his  own  words  :  ''  After  the 
tranfports  of  our  fiid  falute,"  faid  he,  were 
over,  I  could  not  avoid  running  my  eye  over 
her  whole  appearance.  Her  gown  was  of 
cambric,  cut  lliort  before,  in  order  to  difcov- 
er  an  high  heeled  fhoe,  which  was  buckled 
almoflL  to  the  toe.  Her  cap  confided  of  a 
few  bits  of  cambric,  and  flowers  of  painted 
paper  fluck  on  one  fide  of  her  head.  Her 
bofom,  that  had  felt  no  hand  but  the  hand  of 
time  thefe  twenty  years,  rofe,  fuing  to  be 
prelfed.  I  could,  indeed,  have  wiihed  her 
more  than  a  handkerchief  of  Parifnet  to  fhade 
her  beauties;  for,  as  Taffo  fays  of  the  rofe 
bud,  'Qiianto  Je  mojlra  men  tanio  e  pin  bella/ 
A  female  breaft  is  generally  thought  more 
beautiful,  as  it  is  more  fparingly  difcovered. 
**  As  my  coufm  had  not  put  on  all  this  finery 
for  nothing,  fae  was  at  that  time  fallying  out 
to  the  park,  v/hen  1  had  overtaken  her.  Per- 
ceiving, however,  that  I  had  on  my  befl  wig, 
fhe  offered,  if  I  would  'fquire  her  there,  to 
fend  home  the  footman.  Though  1  trembled 
for  our  reception  in  public,  yet  I  could  not, 
with  any  civility,  refufe  :  So,  to  be  as  gallant 
as  pofiible,  I  took  her  hand  in  my  arm,  and 
thus  we  marched  on  together^ 

**When 


ESSAYS. 


95 


''  When  we  made  our  entry  at  the  Park,  two 

*'  antiquated   figures,  fo  polite  and    fo    tender, 

*'  Ibon  attra6led  the  eyes  of  the  company.     As 

"we  made  our  way  among  crowds,    who  were 

*'  out  to  fhow  their  finery  as  well  as  we,  where- 

**  ever  we  came,  I    perceived  we  brought  good 

'*  humor  with  us.     The  polite    could  not  for- 

*'  bear  fmiling,  and  the  vulgar  bur  ft  out  into  a 

*'  horfe  laugh  at  our  grotefque  figures.     Coufin 

*^  Hannah,  who  was  perfedly  confcious  of  the 

''  reditude  of  her  own  appearance,  attributed 

**  all  this  mirth  to  the  oddity  of  mine ;  while  1 

**  as  cordially  placed  the  whole  to  her  account. 

*'  Thus,   from  being    two  of  the   beft    natured 

**  creatures  alive,  before  we  got  half  way  up  the 

•^  Mall,  we  both  began  to    grow    peevilh,    and, 

'*  like  two  mice  on  a  ftring,  endeavoured  to  re- 

*'  venge  the  impertinence  of  the  fpetSlators  upon 

'*  each  other.     *  I  am  amazed,    cOufin  JefFery/ 

'*  fays  Mifs,    *  that  I  can  never  get  you  to  drefs 

**  like  a  chriftian.     I  knew  we  fhould  have  the 

**  eyes  of  the  Park  upon  us,,  with  your  great  wig 

"  fo   frizzled,  and  yet   fo    beggarly,  and  your 

**  monftrous  muff.     I  hate  thofe  odious  muffs.' 

'^  I  could  have    patiently   borne  a  criticifm  on 

*'  all  the  reft  of  my  equipage  ;  but,  as  I  had  al- 

**  ways    a    peculiar   veneration   for   my    muff, 

"  I    could  not  forbear   being  piqued   a  little  ; 

"  and,  throwing  my  eyes  with  a  fpiteful  air  on 

"  her  bofom,  *I  could  heartily    wifh,    madam/ 

*'  replied  I,  '  that  for  your   fake,  my  muff  was 

"  cut  into  a  tippet.* 

'^As 


5)6  ESSAYS. 

"  As  my  coufin,  by  this  time,  was  grown 
-'  heartily  aihamed  of  her  gentleman  ufher,  and 
as  I  was  never  very  fond  of  any  kind  of  exhi- 
bition myfelf,  it  was  mutually  agreed,  to  retire 
for  a  while  to  one  of  the  feats,  and  from  that 
retreat  remark  on  others,  as  freely  as  they  had 
remarked  on  us. 

**  When  feated,  we  continued  filent  for  fome 
time,  enjployed  in  very  different  fpeculations. 
I  regarded  the  whole  company,  now,  palling 
in  review  before  me,  as  drawn  out  rnereiy  for 
my  amufement.  For  my  entertainment,  the 
beauly  had,  all  that  morning,  been  improving 
her  charms  ;  the  beau  had  put  on  lace,  and 
the  young  do6lor  a  big  wig.  merely  to  pleafe 
me.  But  quite  different  were  the  fentiments 
of  coufin  Hannah.  She  regarded  every 
well  dreffed  woman  as  a  victorious  rival : 
Kated  every  fdCG  that  feemed  dreffed  in  good 
humor,  or  wore  the  appearance  of  greater 
happinefs  than  her  own.  I  perceived  her  un- 
eafmefs,  and  attempted  to  leffen  it,  by  ob- 
ferving,  that  there  was  no  company  in  the 
Park  to  day.  To  this  flie  readily  affented  ; 
'  And  yet,'  fays  (he,  '  it  is  full  enough  of  fcrubs 
of  one  kind  or  another.'  My  fmiiing  at  this 
oblervation,  gave  her,  fpirits  to  purfue  the 
bent  of  her  inclination  :  and  now  (he  bes^an 
to  exhibit  her  flcill  in  fccret  hiffory,  as  flie 
found  me  difpofed  to  lillen.  '  Obfcrve,'  fays 
ihe  to  me,  '  that  old  woman  in  tawdry  filk,  and 
dreU'ed  out  beyond  the  fa  (hi  on  :  That  is  Mifs 
Biddy  Evergreen.     Mifs   Biddy  it  feems  has 

''money; 


ESSAY     S.  97 

money  ;  and  as  fhe  confeders  that  money  was 
never  fo  fcarce  as  it  is  now,  (he  feems  refolv- 
ed  to  keep  what  ftie  has  to  herfelf.  She  is 
ugly  enough,  you  fee;  yet,  I  affure  you,  fiie 
has  refufcd  feveral  offers,  to  my  own  knowl- 
edge,  within  thi's  twelvemonth.  Let  me  fee; 
three  gentlemen  from  Ireland,  who  fludy  the 
law,  two  waiting  captains,  her  do6lor,  and  a 
Scotch  preacher,  who  had  like  to  have  carried 
her  off.  All  her  time  is  paffed  betwixt  fieknefs 
and  finery.  Thus  (he  fpends  the  whole  week 
in  a  clofe  chamber,  with  no  other  company 
but  her  monkey,  her  apothecary  and  cat  ;  and 
comes  dreffed  out  to  the  Park  cverv  Sun- 
day,  ta  fliow  h^r  airs,  to  get  new  lovers,  to 
catch  a  new  cold,  and  to  make  new  work  for 
the  do£lor. 

"  There  goes  Mrs.  Roundabout.  1  meaa 
the  fat  lady  ia  the  lutedring  trollopec.  Be- 
tween you  and  me.ilie  is  but  a  cutler's  wife.  See 
how  fhe's  dreffed,  as  fine  as  handstand  pinj 
can  make  her,  while  her  two  marriageable 
daughters,  like  hunters  in  fluff  gowns,  arc 
now  taking  fixpenny  worth  of  tea  at  the 
White  Conduit  Houfe.  Odious  pufs,  ho\r 
fhe  waddles  along,  with  her  trail,  two  yards 
behind  her !  She  puts  me  in  mind  of  my 
Lord  Bantam's  Indian  flieep,  which  are  oblig- 
ed lo  have  their  monflrous  tails  trundled 
along  iii  a  gocart.  For  all  her  airs,  it  goes 
to  her  hufband's  heart  to  fee  four  yards  of 
'•'  good  kUeffring  wearing  againll  the  ground, 
**  like  one  of  bis  knives  on  a  grindiioi:e.  Ts 
'I  *'  fpeak 


€)^  ESSAYS. 

*^  fpcak  my  mind,  coufm  JeEFeiy,  I  never  liked 
*'  thofe  trails ,  for,  fuppofe  a  young  fellow  Ihould 
*'  be  rude,  and  the  lady  fhould  offer  to  Hep 
*'  back  in  the  fright,  inftead  of  retiring,  flle 
•'  tread  upon  her  traiL  and  falls  fairly  upon  her 
*'  back  ;  and  then  you  Know,  coufin — her  clothes 
**  may  be  fpoiled. 

"  Ha  !  Mifs  Mazzard  !  I  knew  we  fhould 
''  not  mifs  her  in  the  Park;  fhe  in  the  mon- 
•'  flrous  Pruflian  bonnet.  Mifs,  though  fo  very 
**  fine,  was  bred  a  milliner,  and  might  have  had 
^'  fome  cuflom  if  fhe  had  minded  her  bufmefs  ; 
'*  but  the  girl  was  fond  of  finery,  and  inftead  of 
*'  dreffing  her  cuflomers,  laid  out  all  her  goods 
'*  in  adorning  herfelf.  Every  new  gown  fhe 
**  put  on  impaired  her  credit ;  fhe  ftill  however 
**  went  on,  improving  her  appearance,  and  lefT- 
*^  cning  her  little  fortune,  and  is  now,  you  fee, 
''  become  a  belle  and  a  bankrupt,'* 

*•  My  coufin  w^as  proceeding  in  her  remarks, 
*'  which  were  interrupted  by  the  approach  of 
*'  the  very  lady  fhe  had  been  fo  freely  defcrib- 
*'  ing.  Mifs  had  perceived  her  at  a  diflance, 
**  and  approached  to  falute  her.  I  found,  by 
^'  the  warmth  of  the  two  ladies*  proteflations, 
**  that  they  had  been  long  intimate,  efteemed 
''friends  and  acquaintance.  Both  were  fo 
*'  pleafed  at  this  happy  rencounter,  that  they 
**  were  refolved  not  to  part  for  the  day.  So  wc 
*'  all  croffed  the  Park  together,  and  I  faw  them 
**  into  a  hackney  coach  at  St.  James's." 

ESSAY 


ESSAYS. 


ESSAY    XVL 


99. 


WHERE  Tauris  lifts  its  head  above  tlie 
Jlorm,  and  preients  nothing  to  the  fight; 
pf  the  diflant  traveller,  but  a  profped  of  no  K 
ding  rocks,  falling  torrents,  and  all  the  variety ' 
of  tremendous  nature  ;  on  the  bleak  bofom  of' 
this  frightful  mountain,  fecluded  from  fociety, 
and  detefting  the  ways  of  men,  lived  Afem  the 
man  hater. 

Afem  had    fpent  his  youth  with   men;    had 
fhared  m  their  amufements;  andhad  been  taught; 
to  love  his  fellow  creatures  with  the  moft  arden;: 
afFedion :  But,  from  the  tendernefs  of  his  dlfpo- 
fition,  he  exhaufted  all  his  fortune  in  relicvinn- 
the  wants  of  the  diftreffed.    The  petitioner  nevl 
er  iued  in  vain  ;  the  weary  traveller  never  pafTed 
his  door  :    He    only   defifted  from  doing  good, 
when  he  had  no  longer  the  power  of  relieving. ' 
From  a   fortune  thus  fpent  in  benevolence, 
he  expeaed  a  grateful  return  from  thofe  he  had 
formerly  relieved,    and   made  his    application 
with  confidence    of    redrefs  :      The  ungrateful 
world  foon  grew  weary  of  his  importunity;  for 
pity   is  but  a  fliort  lived   paffion.       He  foon, 
therefore,  began  to  view  mankind  in  a  very  dif- 
ferent  light  from  that  in  which  he  had  before 
beheld  them.     He   perceived  a  thoufand  vice^ 
he  had  never  before  expcded  to  exift  :  Wherever 
he  turned,  ingratitude,  diffimulationtind  treach- 
ery, contributed  to  increafe    his    deteftation   of  ' 
them.     Refolved  therefore  to  continue  no  long^ 


er 


lOd  ESSAYS. 

er  in  a  world  which  he  hated,  and  which  repaid 
his  deteftalion  with  contempt,  he  retired  to  this 
region  of  fterility,  in  order  to  brood  over  his 
refentment  in  folitude,  and  converfe  with  the 
only  honeft  heart  he  knew,  namely,  with  his 
own. 

A  cave  was  his  only  fhelter  from  the  inclem- 
ency of  the  weather;  fruits  gathered  with  diffi- 
culty from  the  mountain's  fide',  his  only  food  ; 
and  his  drink  was  fetched  with  danger  and  toil 
from  the  headlong  torrent.  In  this  manner  he 
lived,  fequ eft ered  from  fociety,  paffing  the  hours 
in  meditation,  and  fometimes  exulting  that  he 
was  able  to  live  independently  of  his  fellow 
creatures. 

At  the  foot  of  the  mountain,  an  extenfive 
lake  difplayed  its  glafly  bofom,  refle6ling  on  its 
broad  furface  the  impending  horrors  of  the 
mountain.  To  thi$  capacious  mirror  he  would 
fometimes  defcend,  and  reclining  on  its  fleep 
bank,  call  an  eager  look  on  the  fmooth  expanle 
ihat  lay  before  him.  *'  How  beautiful,"  he 
often  died,  "  is  Nature !  how  lovely,  even  in 
"  her  wildeft  fcenes  !  How  finely  contrafted  is 
**  the  level  plain  that  lies  beneath  me,  with  yon 
*'  awful  pile  that  hides  its  tremendous  head  in 
•'  clouds  !  But  the  beauty  of  thefe  fcenes  is  no 
'^  way  comparable  with  their  utility :  From 
'•  hence  a  hundrefd  rivers  are  fupplied,  which 
*'  diilribute  health  and  verdure  to  the  various 
*•  countries  through  which  they  flow.  Every 
••  part  of  the  univerfe  is  beautiful,  juft,  and 
"  \(vife:  But  man,  vile  man,  is  a  folecifm  in  na- 

'*  ture. 


ESSAYS.  lOi 

*•  ture,  the  only  monfter  in  the  creation.  Tern- 
**  pefts  and  whirlwinds  have  their  uie  ;  but  vi- 
**  cious,  ungrateful  man,  is  a  blot  in  the  fair 
"  page  of  univerfal  beauty.  Why  was  I  born 
''  of  that  detefled  fpecies,  whofe  vides  are  al- 
"  mod  a  reproach  to  the  wifdom  of  the  divine 
"  Creator!  Were  men  entirely  free  from  vice, 
^'  all  would  be  uniformity,  harmony  and  order. 
*'  A  world  of  moral  reftitude,  fhouldbethe  re- 
*•'  fult  of  a  perfe6tly  moral  agent.  Why,  why 
*' then^  O  Alia!  mud  I  be  thus  conhned  in. 
**  darknels,  doubt  and  defpair  V 

Juft  as  he  uttered  the  word  defpair,  he  was 
going  to  plunge  into  the  lake  beneath  him,  at 
once  to  fatisfy  his  doubts,  and  put  a  period  to 
his  anxiety  ;  when  he  perceived  a  moft  majeflic 
being  walking  on  thefurface  of  the  water,  and 
approaching  the  bank  on  which  he  flood.  So 
unexpected  an  obje61;  at  once  checked  his  pur- 
pofe  :  He  Hopped,  contemplated  and  fancied  he 
faw  fomerhing  awful  and  divine  in  bis  afpe^^t. 

"  Son  of  Adam,"  cried  the  genius,  '•  flop 
*'  thy  rafli  purpofe;  the  father  of  the  faithful  has 
*'  feen  thy  juftice,  thy  integrity,  thy  miferies, 
**  and  has  fent  me  to  afford  and  adminifler  re- 
*'  lief.  Give  me  thine  hand,  and  follow,  with« 
**out  trembling,  wherever  I  fhall  lead.  In  me 
*'  behold  the  genius  of  convidion,  kept  by  the 
**  great  prophet,  to  turn  from  their  errors  thofe 
"  who  go  aflray,  not  from  curiofi'-y,  but  a  recii- 
*'  tude  of  intention.      Follow  rr%^  and  be  wife/' 

Afem  immediaLely  defcended  upon  the  lake, 
and    his  guide  condutled  kim  aloii^the  furface 


i  Q. 


Oi 


102  ESSAYS. 

of  the  water,  till,  coming  near  the  centre  of  the 
lake,  they  both  began  to  fink  ;  the  waters  clofed 
over  their  heads  ;  they  defcended  feveral  hun- 
dred fathoms,  till  Afem,  jufl  ready  to  give  up 
his  life  as  inevitably  loft,  found  himfelf  with  his 
celefti^l  guide  in  another  world,  at  the  bottom 
of  the  waters,  where  human  foot  had  never  trod 
before.  His  aflonifhment  was  beyond  defcrip- 
tion,  when  he  faw  a  fun  like  that  he  had  left,  a. 
ferene  fky  over  his  head,  and  blooming  ver, 
dure  under  his  feet. 

*^  I  plainly  perceive  your  amazement,*'  faid 
the  genius ;  "  but  fufpend  it  for  a  while.  This 
world  was  formed  by  Alia,  at  the  requefl:,  and 
under  the  infpe6tion  of  our  great  Prophet ; 
who  once  entertained  the  fame  doubts  which 
filled  your  mind  when  I  found  you,  and  from 
the  confequence  of  which  you  were  fo  lately 
refcued.  The  rational  inhabitants  of  this 
world  are  formed  agreeable  to  your  own 
ideas  ;  they  are  absolutely  without  vice.  In 
other  refpedls  it  refembles  your  earth,  but 
differs  from  it  in  being  wholly  inhabited  by 
men  who  never  do  wrong.  If  you  find  this, 
world  more  agreeable  than  that  you  fo  lale^^ 
ly  left,  you  have  free  permiflion  to  fpend  the 
remainder  of  your  days  in  it;  but  permit  me 
for  iome  time,  to  attend  you,  that  I  may  (i- 
lence  your  doubts,  and  make  you  better  ac- 
quainted with  your  company  and  your  ne\\r 
habitation. 

"A    world   without    vice!    Rational    beincrs^ 
*'  without  immortality  1"  cried  Afem,  in  a  rap^ 

ture : 


ESSAYS,  10$ 

4ure ;  '*  I  thank  thee,  O  Alia,  who  haft  afi 
*'  length  heard  my  petitions :  This,  this  in- 
**  deed  will  produce  happinefs,  ecftafy  and 
'*  eafe.  O  for  an  immortality,  to  fpend  it 
*'  among  men  who  are  incapable  of  ingratitude, 
^^  injuilice,  fraud,  violence  and  a  thoufand  oth-- 
*'  er  crimes,  that  render  fociety  miferable  T* 

'*  Ceafe  thine  exclamations,'*  replied  the  ge* 
aius.  *' Look  around  thee;  refletl  on  every 
"  objeft  and  adion  before  us,  and  communis 
*' cate  to  me  the  refult  of  thine  obfervations^ 
*'  Lead  where  you  think  proper,  I  fhail  be 
*'  your  attendant  and  inftrudor."  Afem  and 
his  companion  travelled  on  in  filence  for  fome 
time,  the  former  being  entirely  loft  in  aftonifli- 
ment;  but,  at  laft  recovering  his  former  feren-. 
ity,  he  could  not  help  obferving,  that  the  face 
of  the  country  bore  a  near  refcmblance  to  that 
he  had  left,  except  that  this  fubterranean  world 
ftill  feemed  to  retain  its  primeval  wildnefs. 

''  Here"'  cried  Afem,  I  perceive  animals  of 
'^  prey  and  others  that  feeni  only  defigned  for 
^*  their  fubfiftence  :  It  is  the  very  fame  in  the 
*'  world  over  our  heads.  But  had  I  been  per- 
*'  mitted  to  inftrud  our  Prophet,  f  would  have 
«'  removed  this  defe61:,  and  formed  no  voracious 
^^  or  deflru6live  animals,  which  only  prey  on 
*l  the  other  parts  of  the  creation/'  *'  Your 
'^  tendernefs  for  inferior  animals  is,  I  find  re« 
"  markable,'*  faid  the  genius,  Gniling.  "But, 
'•  with  regard  to  meaner  creatures,  this  warld 
*^  exadly  refembles  the  other;  and,  imleed,  for 
^J  obvious   reafons  ;   for   the  earth  can  fupport 


104  ESSAYS. 

'  a  more  confiderable  number  of  animals,  by 
'  their  thus  becoming  food  for  each  other,  than 
'  if  they  had  lived  entirely  on  the  vegetable 
'  produQions.  So  that  animals  of  different  na- 
'  tures  thus  formed,  inftead  of  leffening  their 
'  multitude,  fubfift  in  the  greateft  number  pof- 
•  fible.  But  let  us  haften  on  to  the  inhabited 
'  country  before  us,  and  fee  what  that  offers 
'  lor  inftru6iion/' 

They  foon  gained  the  utmod  verge  of  the 
forefl,  and  entered  th^  country  inhabited  by 
men  without  vice;  and  Afem  anticipated  in  idea 
the  rational  delights  he  hoped  to  experience  in 
fuch  an  innocent  fociety.  But  they  had  fcarce 
left  the  confines  of  the  wood,  when  they  be- 
held one  of  the  inhabitants  flying,  with  hafly 
fteps,  and  terror  in  his  countenance,  from  an 
army  of  fquirreis,  that  clofely  purfued  him. 
^'  Heavens!"  cried  Afem,  "  Why  does  he  fly  ? 
*'  What  can  he  fear  from  animals  fo  contempti- 
'*  ble  ?"  He  had  fcarce  fpoken  when  he  per- 
ceived two  dogs  purfuing  another  of  the  human 
fpecies,  who,  with  equal  terror  and  hade  at- 
tempted to  avoid  them.  "  This,*'  cried  Afem 
to  his  guide,  "  is  truly  furprihng ;  nor  can  I 
•'*  conceive  the  reafon  for  fo  flrange  an  aQion/' 
**  Every  fpecies  of  animals,"  replied  the  genius, 
"  has,  of  late,  grown  very  powerful  in  this  cou% 
*'  trv  ;  for  the  inhabitants,  at  firff,  thinl^ing  iD 
*'  unjufl  to  ufe  either  fraud  or  force  in  deRroy- 
"  ing  them,  they  have  inlenliblY  increaied,  and 
*'  now  frequently  ravage  their  harmlefs  fron- 
''  tiers."    "  But  thev    fliould  have  been  delhoy- 

**ed;^ 


ESSAYS.  t05 

"  ed,"  cried  Afem ;  ''  you  fee  the  confequence  of 
'•  fuch  negleft."  "  Where  is  then  that  tender- 
« nefs  you  fo  lately  expreffed  for  fubordi- 
*«  nate  animals?"  replied  the  genius,  fmiling? 
«^  you  feem  to  have  forgot  that  branch  of  juf- 
*'  tice."  *'  I  rnuft  acknowledge  my  millake/* 
returned  Afem  :  "  I  am  now  convinced  that 
<«  we  mud  be  guilty  of  tyranny  and  injuftice  to 
*'  the  brute  creation,  if  we  would  enjoy  the 
««  world  ourfelves.  But  let  us  no  longer  ob- 
*'  ferve  the  duty  of  man  to  thefe  irrational  crea- 
*'  tures,  but  furvey  their  connexions  with  one 
«*  anoiher." 

As  they  walked  farther  up  the  country,  the 
more  he  was  furprifed  to  fee  no  veftiges  of 
handfome  houfes,  no  cities,  nor  any  mark  of 
elegant  defign.  His  conduftor  perceived  his 
furpnfe,  obferved,  that  the  inhabitants  of  this 
new  world  were  perfedly  content  with  their  an- 
cient fimplicity,  each  had  a  houfe,  which  tho' 
homely,  was  fufficient  to  lodge  his  little  family  ; 
they  were  too  good  to  build  houfes,  which  could 
only  increafe  their  own  pride,  and  the  envy  of 
the  fpeftator ;  what  they  built  was  for  con- 
venience, and  not  for  fhow.  ''  At  leaft  then/* 
faid  Afem,  "  they  had  neither  architeds,  paint- 
"  ers,  or  ftatuaries,  in  their  fociety  ;  but  thefe 
**  are  idle  arts,  and  may  be  fpared.  However, 
''  before  I  fpend  much  more  time  here,  you 
'*  fhould  have  my  thanks  for  introducing  me 
*•  into  the  fociety  of  fome  of  their  wifeft  men  : 
*'  There  is  fcarce  any  pleafure  to  me  equal  to 
'«  a  refined   converfation  ]    there  is  nothing  of 

<«  which 


fc6  ESSAYS. 

*' which  lam  fo  enamoured  as  wifdom."  *'Wii- 
**  dom  !"  replied  his  intlrudor,  **  how  ridicu- 
**  lous!  We  have  no  wifdom  here,  for  we  have 
*' no  occafion  for  it;  true  wifdom  is  only  a 
'•knowledge  of  our  own  duty  and  the  duty  of 
'*  others  to  us:  But  of  what  ufeisfuch  wifdom 
**  here  ?  each  intuitively  performs  what  is  right 
•*  in  himfelf,  and  experts  the  fame  from  oth- 
'*  ers.  If,  by  wifdom,  you  fliould  mean  vain 
'*  curiofity  and  empty  fpeculation  ]  as  fuch 
"  pleafures  have  their  origin  in  vanity,  luxury, 
**  or  avarice,  we  are  too  good  to  purfue  them."^ 
"  All  this  may  be  right/'  fays  Afem ;  "  but  me- 
"  thinks  I  obferve  a  folirary  difpofition  prevail 
"  among  the  people;  each  family  keeps  fepar- 
*'  ately  within  their  own  precincis  witaout  fo- 
"  ciety  or  without  intercouvfc.'*  *'  That  in- 
*'  deed  is  true,"  replied  the  other;  "  here  is  no 
''  eftablifhedfociety ;  nor  ihould  there  be  any  : 
**  All  focieties  are  made  either  through  fear  or 
**  friendfhip  ;  the  people  v/e  are  among  are  too 
*'  good  to  fear  each  other  ;  and  there  are  no  mo- 
**  tives  to  private  friendfhip,  where  all  areequal- 
*'  ly  meritorious."  *'  Well  then,"  faid  the 
fceptic,  *'  as  I  am  to  fpend  my  time  here,  if  I 
*'  am  to  have  neither  the  polite  arts,  nor  wif- 
*'  dom,  nor  friendfhip  in  fuch  a  world,  I  fhould 
*'*  be  glad,  at  leaft,  of  an  eafy  companion,  who 
"  may  tell  me  his  thoughts,  and  to  whom  I  may 
**  communicate  mine."  "And  to  whatpur- 
"  pofe  fhould  either  do  this  ?"  fays  the  genius  r 
*^  PUattery  or  curiofity  are  vicious  motives,  and 
**  never  allowed  of  here;  and  wifdom  is  out  of 
♦«  the  quefcion,"  .       ^'  StilV 


ESSAYS.  107 

**  Still,    however/'  ("aid  Afem,  **  the  inhabit- 
**  ants  miift  be  happy  ;    each    is  contented  with 
**  his' own  polfelfions,  nor  avariciouily  endeav- 
**  oui'S    to   heap    up  more   than  is  neceffary  for 
**  his  own  {ubiillence;  each  has  therefore  leifure 
*^  to   pity    thofe  that  fland  in  need  of  his  com- 
**  paflTion/*     He  had  fcarce  fpoken    when   his 
cars    were    afTaulted  with  the  lamentations  of  a 
wretch  who  fat  by  the  way  fide,  and,  in  the  moft 
deplorable  diflrefs,  feemed  gently  to  murmur  at 
his  own  mifery.     Afem  immediately  ran  to  his 
relief,  and  found  him  in  the  lafl  flage  of  a  con- 
fumption.     *'  Strange,"  cried  the  fon  of  Adam, 
"  that   men  who  are  free  from  vice  fhould  thus 
'*  fufFer  fo  much  mifery  v/ithout  relief!'*     **  Be 
**  not  furprifed,'*    faid  the  wretch  who  was  dy- 
ing,   **  would  it  not  be  the  utmoft  injuftice  for 
'*  beings,    who   have  onlyjufl  fufficient  to  fup- 
*'  port    themfelves,  and  are  content  with  a  bare 
**  fubfiftence,  to  take  it  from  their  own  mouths 
*'  to  put  it  into  mine  ?  They  never  are  poifelfed 
**  of  a  fingle  meal  more  than  is  neceffary ;  and 
*'  what  is  barely  neceffary,  cannot  be  difpenfed 
**  with,*'     *'  They   fhould   have   been  fupplied 
*'  with   more    than   is   neceffary,"  cried  Afem ; 
''  and   yet  I  contradi6i;  my  own  opinion  but  a 
**  moment  before:  All  is  doubt,  perplexity    and 
*'  confufion.     Even  the   want  of  ingratitude  is 
'*  no  virtue  here,   fince  they  never   received  a 
'*  favor.     They    have,    however,    another    ex- 
*'  cellency    yet  behind;    the  love  of  their  coun- 
*'  try  is    fliil,    I   hope,   one   of    their    darling 
**  virtues."     ^*  Peace,     <•'  Afem,"   replied    the 

guardian. 


io8  ESSAYS. 

guardian,    with    a    countenance  not  lefs   fe- 

vere  than  beautiful,  *'  nor  forfeit  all  thy  pre- 
tcnlions  to  wifdom;  The  fame  felfifh  mo- 
tives by  which  we  prefer  our  own  intereft 
to  that  of  others,  induce  us  to  regard  our 
country  preferably  to  that  of  another.  No- 
thing lefs  than  univerfal  benevolence  is  free 
from  vice,  and  that  you  fee  is  praftifed  here." 
Strange!"    cries  tke  difappointed  pilgrim,    in 

an  agony  of  diHrefs  ;  '*  What  fort  of  a  world  am 
I  now  inti*oduced  to  ?  There  is  fcarce  a  fin- 
gle  virtue  but  that  of  temperance  which  they 
pra£life;  and,  in  that,  they  are  no  way  fu- 
perior  to  the  very  brute  creation.  There  is 
fcarce  an  amufement  which  they  enjoy  :  For- 
titude, liberality,  friendfhip,  wifdom,  con- 
verfation  and  love  of  country,  all  are  virtues 
entirely  unknown  here;  thus  it  feems,  that 
to  be  acquainted  with  vice  is  not  to  kiaow 
virtue.  Take  me,  O  my  genius,  back  to 
that  very  world  which  1  have  del  pi  fed :  A 
world  which  has  Alia  for  its  coniriver,  is 
niuch  more  wifely  formed  than  that  which  has 
been  projcilcd  by  Mahomet*  Ingratitude, 
contempt  and  hatred,  I  can  novs^  fuffer;  for 
perhaps  I  have  deferved  them.  When  I  ar- 
raigned the  wifdom  of  Pro\ndence,  I  only 
fhowed  my  own  ignorance  :  Henceforth  let 
me  keep  from  vice  m.yfelf,  and  pity  it  ift 
others." 

He    had   fcarce   ended,    when  the  genius,  af^ 
iming  an  air    of  terrible  complacency,  called 

all  hi^  thunders  around  hini,  and  vani'lhed  in  A 

whirlwindi 


ESSAYS.  109 

whirlwind.  Afem,  aftoniflhed  at  the  terror  of 
the  fcene,  looked  for  his  imaginary  world ; 
when,  calling  his  eyes  around,  he  perceived 
himfelf  in  the  very  lituation,  and  in  the  very 
place  where  he  firft  began  to  repine  and  defpair  : 
His  right  foot  had  juft  been  advanced  to  take 
the  fatal  plunge,  nor  had  it  been  yet  withdrawn  ; 
fo  inftantly  did  providence  flrike  the  feries  of 
truths  juft  imprinted  on  his  foul.  He  now  de- 
parted from  the  water  fide  in  tranquillity,  and, 
leaving  his  horrid  manfion,  travelled  to  Segef- 
tan,  his  native  city  ;  where  he  diligently  appli- 
ed himfelf  to  commerce,  and  put  in  praftice 
that  wifdom  he  had  learned  in  folitude.  The 
frugality  of  a  few  years  foon  produced  opu- 
lence ;  the  number  of  his  domeftics  increafed  ; 
his  friends  came  to  him  from  every  part  of  the 
city  ;  n^r  did  he  receive  them  v/ith  difdain  : 
And  a  youth  of  mifery  was  concluded  with  aa 
old  age  of  elegance,  affluence  and  eafe. 


ESSAY  xvn. 

IT  is  allowed  on  all  hands,  that  our  Englilk 
divines  receive  a  more  liberal  education,  and 
improve  that  education,  by  frequent  ftudy, 
more  than  any  others  of  this  reverend  profef- 
fion  in  Europe.  In  general,  alfo,  it  may  be 
obferved,  that  a  greater  degree  of  gentility  is 
annexed  to  the  charader  of  a  ftudent  in  Encr. 
land,  than  elfewhere;  by  wliich  means,  our 
K  clergy 


iio  ESSAYS. 

clergy  have  an  opportunity  of  ieeing  better  com- 
pany while  young,  and  of  fooner  wearing  off 
thofe  prejudices  young  men  are  apt  to  imbibe 
€ven  in  the  bed  regulated  univerfities,  and 
which  may  be  jullly  termed  the  vulgar  errors 
«f  the  wife. 

^  Yet,  with  all  thefe  advantages,  it  is  very  ob- 
vious, that  the  clergy  are  no  where  fo  littile 
thought  of  by  the  populace  as  here  ;  and,  tho' 
our  divines  are  foremoft,  with  refpe£l  to  abili- 
ties, yet  they  are  found  lad  in  the  effe6ls  of  their 
miniftry  ;  The  vulgar,  in  general,  appearing  no 
way  impreffed  with  a  fenfe  of  religious  duty. 
I  am  not  for  whining  at  the  depravity  of  the 
times,  or  for  endeavoring  to  paint  a  profpe6l 
more  gloomy  than  in  nature  :  But  certain  it  is, 
no  perfon  who  has  travelled  will  contradi6t  me, 
when  1  aver,that  the  lower  orders  of  mankind,  in 
other  countries,  teftify,  on  every  occafion,  th« 
profoundefl:  awe  of  religion ;  while  in  England, 
they  are  fcarcely  awakened  into  a  fenfe  of  its 
duties,  even  in  circumftances  of  the  greatefl  dif- 
trefs. 

This  diflfolutc  and  fearlefs  condu6l,  foreign- 
ers are  apt  to  attribute  to  climate  and  conflitu- 
tion.  May  not  the  vulgar,  being  pretty  much 
neglcfted  in  our  exhortations  from  the  pulpit, 
be  a  confpiring  caufe  ?  Our  divines  feidom  (loop 
to  their  mean  capacities  :  and  they  who  want 
inftrudion  moll,  find  leaft  in  our  religious  af- 
fcmblies. 

Whatever  may  become  of  the  higher  orders 
rf  mankind,  who  arc  generally  poffeffedof  coU 

lateral 


E    S     S     A     Y     S.  114 

I^eral  motives  to  virtue,  the  vulgar  fhould  be 
particularly  regarded,  whofe  behaviour  in  civil 
life  is  totally  hinged  upon  their  hopes  and  fears, 
Thofe  who  conilitute  the  bafis  of  the  great  fab^ 
ric  of  fociety,  Ihould  be  particularly  regarded  ; 
for,  in  policy,  as  in  archiiedure,Muiais  moll 
fatal  when  it  begins  from  the  bottom. 

Men  of  real  fenfe  and  underflanding  prefer  a 
prudent  mediocrity  to  a  precarious  popularity  ;, 
and,  fearing  to  out  do  their  duty,  leave  it  half 
done.  Their  difcourfes  from  the  pulpit  are 
generally  dry,  methodical  and  unaffe6ling  ;  de- 
livered with  the  mofl  infipid  calmnefs ;  info- 
TDUch,  thatjihouid  the  peaceful  preacher  lift  up 
his  head  over  the  cufhion,  which  alone  he  feems 
to  addrefs,  he  might  difcover  his  audience.  in- 
Head  of  being  awakened  to  remorfe,  a6iually  fleep- 
ing  over  his  methodical  and  labored  compofiiion. 

This  method  of  preaching  is,  however,  by 
fome  called  afn  addrefs  to  reafon  and  not  to  the 
paffions ;  this  is  flyled  the  making  of  converts 
from  convi6lion.  But  fuch  are  indifferently  ac» 
quainted  with  human  nature,  who  are  not  fend- 
ble,  that  men  feldom  reafon  about  their  de- 
baucheries till  they  are  committed.  Reafon  is 
but  a  weak  antagonift,  when  headlong  paflion 
di6lates :  In  all  fuch  cafes  we  fbouid  arm  one 
paflion  againfl  another.  It  is  with  the  human 
mind  as  in  nature,  from  the  mixture  of  two  op- 
pofites,  the  refult  is  moft  frequently  neutral 
tranquillity.  Thofe  who  attempt  to  reafon  us 
out  of  our  follies  begin  at  the  wrong  end,  fmce 
the  attempt  naturally  prefuppofes  us  capable  of 

reafon ; 


112  ESSAYS. 

reafon ;  but,  to  be  made  capable  of  this,  is  one 
great  point  of  the  cure. 

There   are  but  few  talents  requifite  to  become 
a  popular    preacher  ;     for  the  people  are  eafily 
pleafed,    if   they    perceive  any  endeavors  in  the 
orator  to   pleafe  them  :   The  meaneil  qualifica- 
tions   will    work  this  efFetSl,  if  the  preacher  fin- 
cerely  fets  about  it.      Perhaps  little,  indeed  very 
little  more  is   required,  than  fincerity  and  alTur- 
ance  ;  and  a  becoming  fincerity  is  always  certain 
of  producing  a  becoming  affurance.   "  Si  vis  me 
^'Jiere,  dckndum    ejl.  prvmum  tihi  ipfi,"  is  fo  trite 
a  quotation,    that  it  almofl  demands  an  apolo- 
gy to   repeat  it.     Yet,  though  all  allow  the  juf- 
tice    of  the  remark,  how  few  do  we  find  put  it 
in  pradice  !   Our    orators,  with  the  mpft  faulty 
baihfulnefs,    feem  imprefftd  rather  with  an  awe 
of  their   audience,    than   with  a  juft  refpe6l  for 
the    truths    they    are  about  to  deliver  ;  they,  of 
all  profeffions,  feerp  the  moft  bafhful,  who  have 
the   greatefl:  right    to  glory  in  their  commifTion. 
The    French   preachers    generally  alTume  all 
that    dignity    which  becomes  men  who  are  am- 
bafiadors    from    Chrifl  :    The    Engliih  divines, 
like  erroneous  envoys,  feem  more  foli»citous  not 
ro  offend    the  court  to  which  they  are  fent  than 
TO    drive    home  the   intereft  of  their  employer. 
The  bifhop  of   MafTilIon,  in  the  fir fl  fermon  he 
ever  preached,  found  iht  whole  audience,  upon 
his   getting    into  the  pulpit,  in  a  difpofition  no 
way  favourable  to  his  intentions.      Their  nods, 
whifpers,  or    drowfy    behaviour,    fhowed   him 
that  there  was  no  great  profit  to  be    expe6led 

from 


ESSAYS.  113 

from  his  fowing  in  a  foil  (o  improper.  Howr- 
ever  he  foon  changed  the  difpofition  of  his  au- 
dience, hy  his  manner  of  beginning,"  If,"  fays 
he,  "  a  caufe  the  mod  important  that  could  be 
conceived,  were  to  be  tried  at  the  bar  before 
qualified  judges  ;  if  this  caufe  interefled  our- 
leives  in  particular  ;  if  the  eyes  of  the  whole 
kingdom  were  fixed  upon  the  event;  if  the 
rhoft  eminent  counfel  were. em.  pi  eyed  on  both 
fides;  and  if  we  had  heard  from  our  infanc)^ 
of  this  yet  Imdetermined  trial,  would  you  not 
all  (it  with  due  attention,  and  warm  expe6ta- 
tion,  to  the  pleadings  on  each  fide  i  Would 
not  all  your  hopes  and  fears  be  hinged  upon 
the  final  dc^cifion  ?  And  y^yl^t  me  tell  you, 
you  have  this  moment  a  caufe  of  much  great- 
er importance  before  you;  a  caufe  where,  not 
one  nation,  but  all  the  world  are  fpe6lators  ; 
tried  ,  not  before  a  fallible  tribunal,  but  the 
awful  throne  of  Heaven ,%  where,  not  your 
temporal  and  tranfito^ry  %t^reils  are  the  fub- 
je6t  of  debate,  but  youi  eternal  happinefs  or 
m.iferj',  where  the  caufe  is  ftill  andetermined  : 
But,  perhaps  the  very  moment  I  am  fpeaking 
may  fix  the  irrevocable  decree  that  fliall  lalt 
forever;  and  yet,  notwithfianding  all  this-, 
you  can  hardly  fit  with  patience  to  hear  the 
tidings  of  your  own  falvation.  I  plead  the 
caufe  of  Heaven,  and  yet  I  am  fearceiy  at- 
tended to,"  Sec. 
The  ftyie,  the  abruptnefs  of  a  beginning  like 
this,  in  the  clofet  wdu-ld  app'ear  abfurd;  but  in 
the  pulpit,  it  is  attended-with-jfte-moft  lafliiig 
K  2  imprefTion^  : 


114  ESSAY    S. 

impreflions :  That  ftyle  which,  in  the  clofet,. 
might  juftly  be  called  flimfy,  feems  the  true 
mode  of  eloquence  here.  I  never  read  a  fine 
compofition,  under  the  title  of  fern^on,  that  I 
donot  think  the  author  hasmifcalled  his  piece;, 
for  the  talents  to  be  ufed  in  writing  well,  en- 
tirely differ  from  thofe  of  fpeaking  well.  The 
qualifications  for  fpeaking,  as  has  been  already 
obferved,  are  eafily  acquired;  they  are  accom- 
plifhments  which  may  be  taken  up  by  every 
candidate  who  will  be  at  the  pains  of  flooping. 
ImprefT^d  with  a  fenfe  of  the  truths  he  is  about 
to  deliver,  a  preacher  difregards  the  applaufe  or 
the  contempt  of  his  audience,  and  he  infenfibly 
affumes  a  jufl  and  manly  fincerity.  With  this, 
talent  alone  we  fee  what  crowds  are  drawn 
around  enthufiafts,  even  deftitute  of  common^ 
fenfe  ;  what  numbers  converted  to  chriflianity. 
Folly  may  fometimes  fet  an  example  for  wifdom. 
to  pra6iife  ;  and  our  regular  divines  may  bor- 
row inftru6lion  even  from  methodifls,  who  go 
their  circuits,  and  preach  prizes  among  the  pop- 
ulace. Even  Whitefield  may  be  placed  as  a 
model  to  fome  of  our  young  divines ;  let  them 
join  to  their  own  good  fenfe  his  earnefl  manner 
of  delivery. 

It  will  perhaps  be  obje6led,  that  by  confin- 
ing the  exceUencies  of  a  preacher  to  proper 
aflurance,  earneftnefs,  and  opennefs  of  ftyle,  I 
make  the  qualifications  too  trifling  for  eff iina- 
tion ;  there  will  be  fomething  called  oratory- 
brought  up  on  this  occafion  ;  adion.  attitude, 
grace,    elocution,  may  be  repeated  as  abfolute- 


ESSAYS.  Its. 

ly  necelFary  to  complete  the  chara6ler.  But  let- 
us  not  be  deceived.  Common  fenfe  is  feldom 
fwayed  by  fine  tones,  mulical  periods,  juft  at- 
titude, or  the  difplay  of  a  white  handkerchief: 
Oratorial  behaviour,  except  in  very  able  hands 
indeed  ,  generally  fmks  into  awkward  and  pal- 
try affe6lation. 

It  muft  be  obferved,  however,  that  thefe  rule& 
are  calculated  only  for  him  who  would  inftru6l 
the  vulgar,  who  (land  in  need  of  inftru6l- 
ion.  To  addrefs  philofophers,  and  to  obtain 
the  character  of  a  polite  prsacher-  among  the 
polite — a  much  more  ufelefs,  tho'  more  fought 
for  chara6ler — requires  a  different  method  of 
proceeding.  All  I  ihall  obferve  on  this  head, 
is,  to  intreat  the  polemic  divine,  in  his  contro- 
verfy  with  the  deifls,  toa6l  rather  ofFenfively  than 
tD  defend;  to  pufh  home  the  grounds  of  this, 
belief,  and.  the  impra£licability  of  theirs,  rather 
than  to  fpend  time  in  folving  the  obje61ions  of 
every  opponent.  '^  It  is  ten  to  one/'  fays  a 
late  writer  on  the  art  of  war,  "  but  that  the  af- 
*^  failant  who  attacks  the  enemy  in  his  trenches, 
*■  is  always  vi£lorious/' 

Yet,  upon  the  whole,  our  clergy  might  em- 
ploy themfelves  more  to  the  bufinefs  of  fociely, 
by  declining  all  controverfy,  than" by  exhibit- 
ing even  the  profoundeft  Ikill  in  polemic  dif- 
putes  :  Their  ^  ntefts  with  each  other  often  turn 
on  fpeculative  trifles;  and  their  difputes  with 
the  deifts  are  alrnofl;  at  an  end,  fince  they  can 
have  no  more  than  vidory  ;  and  that  they  are 
already  pofTefTed  of,  as  their   antagoniRs  have 

been 


ii6  ESSAYS. 

been  driven  into  a  confefTion  of  the  neceflity  of 
revelation,  or  an  open  avowal  of  atheifm.  To 
continue  ^he  difpute  longer,  would  only  endan- 
ger it:  The  fceptic  is  ever  expert  at  puzzling  a 
debate  which  he  finds  himfelf  unable  to  con- 
tinue ;  "  and,  like  an  Olympic  boxer,  general- 
''  ly  fights  befl  when  undermofl. " 


ESSAY     XVIII. 

HAVE  frequently  been  amazed  at  the  ig- 
norance of  almoft  all  the  European  travel- 
lers, who  have  penetrated  any  confiderable  way 
caftward  into  Afia.  They  Piave  all  been  influ- 
enced either  by  motives  of  commerce  or  piety^ 
and  their  accounts  are  fuchas  might  reafonably 
be  expeded  from  men  of  a  very  narrow  or  very 
prejudiced  education,  the  dilates  of  fuperftition, 
or  the  refult  of  ignorr..nce.  Is  it  not  furprifing, 
that,  of  fuch  a  variety  of  adventurers,  not  one 
fingle  philofopher  fiiould  be  found  among  the 
number  ?  For  as  to  the  travels  of  Gemelii,  the 
learned  are  long  agreed  th-at  the  \^;hole  is  but 
an  impoilure. 

There  is  fcarce  any  country,  how  rude  or  un- 
cultivated foever,  where  the  inhabitants  are  not 
poiTcffcd  of  Ibme  peculiar  fecret;^  either  in  na- 
tuie  or  art,  wliich  might  be  tranfplanted  with 
fuccefs.  Thus,  for  in  fiance,  in  Siberian  Tar- 
tary,  the  natives  extra6l  a  flrong  fpirit  from 
milk,  which  is  a  fecret  unknown  to  the  chvmills 

of 


ESSAYS.  117 

of  Europe.  In  the  mofl  favage  parts  of  India 
they  are  poffeired  of  the  fecret  of  dying  veg- 
etable fubflances  fcarlct,  and  likewife  that  of 
refining  lead  into  a  metal,  which,  for  hard- 
nefs  and  colour,  is  little  inferior  to  filver  ;  not 
one  of  which  fecrets  but  would,  in  Europe, 
make  a  man's  fortune.  The  power  of  the 
Afiatics  in  producing  winds,  or  bringing  do^\'n 
rain,  the  Europeans  are  apt  to  treat  as  fabu^ 
lous,  becaufe  they  have  no  inftances  of  the 
like  nature  among  thcmfelves  :  But  they  would 
have  treated  the  fecrets  of  gunpowder  and  the 
mariner's  compafs  in  the  fame  manner,  had 
they  been  told  the  Chineie  ufed  fuch  arts,  be- 
fore the  invention  was  common  with  them- 
felves  at  home. 

Of  all  the  Englifh  philofophers,  I  mofh  rever- 
ence Bacon,  that  great  and  hardy  genius.  He 
it  is  who,  undaunted  by  the  feeming  difficul- 
ties that  oppofe,  prompts  human  curiofity  to 
examine  every  part  of  nature;  and  even  exhorts 
man  to  try  whether  he  cannot  fubje6^  the  tem- 
pefl,  the  thunder,  and  even  earthquakes,  to  hu- 
man control.  Oh  !  had  a  man  of  his  daring 
fpirit,  of  his  genius,  penetration  and  learning, 
travelled  to  thofe  countries  which  have  been  vif- 
ited  only  by  the  fuperftitious  and  mercenary, 
What  might  not  mankind  expecl !  how  vowld 
he  enlighten  the  regions  to  which  he  travelled! 
and  What  a  variety  of  knowledge  and  ufeful 
improvement  would  he  not  bring  back  in  ex- 
cliange! 

There' 


ii8  ESSAYS. 

There  is  probably  no  country  fo  barbarous 
that  would  nol  difclofe  all  it  knew%  if  it  re- 
ceived equivalent  information;  and  I  am  apt 
to  think,  that  a  perfon,  who  was  ready  to  give 
more  knowledge  (ban  he  received,  would  be 
welcome  wherever  he  came.  All  his  care  in 
travelling,  fhould  only  be  to  fuit  his  intelleQu- 
ai  banquet  to  the  people  wiih  whom  he  con- 
verfed  :  He  fliculd  not  attempt  to  teach  the  un- 
lettered Tartar  aflronomy,  nor  yet  inftru6i:  the 
poliie  Chinefe  in  the  arts  of  fubfiflence  :  He 
fhould  endeavor  to  improve  the  barbarias.in  the 
fecrets  of  living  comfortably  :  And  the  inhab- 
itant of  a  more  refined  country  in  the  fpecula- 
tive  pleafures  of  fcience.  How  much  more  no- 
bly would  a  philofopher,  thus  employed,  fpend 
his  time,  than  by  fitting  at  home,  earneftly  in- 
tent upon  adding  one  liar  more  to  his  cata- 
logue, or  one  monller  more  to  his  coUe^lion  ? 
or  ftill.  if  poffible,  more  triflingly  fedulous  in 
the  incatenation '  of  fleas,  or  the  fciilpture  of 
cherry  ftones  ? 

I  never  confider  this  fubj  j61,  without  being 
furprifed  that  none  of  thofe  focieties,  fo  lauda- 
bly eflablifhed  in  England  for  the  promo- 
tion of  arts  and  learning,  have  ever  thought 
of  fending  one  of  their  members  into  the  mod 
caftern  parts  of  Afia,  to  make  w^hat  difcoveries 
he  was  able.  To  be  convinced  of  the  utility 
of  fuch  an  undertaking,  let  them  but  read  the 
relations  of  their  own  travellers.  It  will  there 
be  found,  that  they  are  as  often  deceived  them* 
fdvcs,    as  they  attempt  to  deceive  others.     The 

merchants 


ASSAYS.  iig 

ttierchants  tell  us,  perhaps,  the  price  of   differ- 
ent commociiLies,  the   methods   of   baling  them 
up,  and  the    properell  manner  for  an  European 
to  preferve  his  health  m  the  country.     The  mif- 
fionary,    on   the   other    hand,  informs  us    with 
what  piea>fure  the  country  to  which  he  was  fent 
embraced  Chriftianity,  and  the  numbers  he  con- 
verted;  what  methods  he  took  to  keep   Lent  in 
a  region  where  there  were  no  fifh,  or  the  fhifthe 
made  to   celebrate    the  rites  of  his   religion,  in 
places  where  there  were  neither  bread  nor  wine: 
Such  accounts,  with   the  ufual    appendages    of 
marriages  and  funerals,  infcriptions,  rivers  and 
mountains,  make  up  the  whole  of  an  European 
traveller's  diary :  But   as    to  all  the  fecrets   of 
which    the    inhabitants  are  poflfelTed,  thofe   are 
univerfally  attributed  to  magic ;  and   when  the 
traveller  can  give  no  other  account  of  the  won- 
ders  he  fees  performed,   he  very  contentedly  af- 
cribes  them  to  the  devil. 

It    was    an  ufual  obfervation    of  Boyle,   the 
Englifhchymift,  that  if  every   artift  would  but 
dilcovcrwhatnewobfervations  occurred  to  him 
in  the  exercife  of  his  trade,   philofophy   would 
thence    gain    innumerable    improvements.     It 
may  be  obferved,  with  ftill  greater  juftice,  that 
It  the  ufeful  knowledge  of  every  country,    how- 
loever  barbarous,    w^as   gleaned  by  a  judicious 
oblcrvcr,  the  advantages  would  be  ineftimable. 
'Are  there  not,  even  in  Europe,  many  ufeful  in- 
ventions, known  or  praaifed   but  in  one  place? 
i  he  infirument,  as  an  example,for  cutting  down 
corn  in  Gertrany,  is  much  more  handy  and  ex. 

peditious 


J20  ESSAYS. 

peditious,  in  my  opinion,  than  the  fickle  ufed 
in  England.  The  cheap  and  expeditious  man- 
ner of  making  vinegar,  without  previous  fer- 
mentation, is  known  only  in  a  part  of  France, 
If  fuch  difcoveries  therefore  remain  ftill  to  be 
known  at  home,  what  funds  of  knowledge 
might  not  be  colleded  in  countries  yet  unex- 
plored,  or  only  paffed  through  by  ignorant 
travellers  in  hafty  caravans  ? 

The  caution  with  which  foreigners  are  re- 
ceived into  Afia,  may  be  alleged  as  an  objec- 
tion to  fuch  a  defign.  But  how  readily  have 
feveral  European  merchants  found  admiffion 
into  regions  the  mofl  fufpicious,  under  the 
chara6ler  of  Sanjapans  or  northern  pilgrims  ! 
To  fuch,    not  even  China  itfelf  denies  accefs. 

To  fend  out  a  traveller  properly  qualified  for 
thefe  purpofes,  might  be  an  obje6l  of  national 
concern  :  It  would  in  fome  meafure,  repair  the 
breaches  made  by  ambition  ;  and  might  fhow 
that  there  were  dill  fome  who  boafted  a  greater 
name  than  that  of  patriots,  who  profefled  them- 
felves  lovers  of  men. 

The  only  difficulty  would  remain  in  choofing 
a  proper  perfon  for  fo  arduous  an  enterprife. 
Ke  fhould  be  a  man  of  a  philoiophic  turn,  one 
apt  to  deduce  confequences  of  general  utility 
from  particular  occurrences;  neither  fwoln  with 
pride,  nor  hardened  bv  prejudice  ;  neither  Vv^ed- 
ded  to  one  particular  i^yHeu-i^  nor  inftru6led  on- 
ly in  one  particular  fcience  :  Neither  wholly  a 
bctaniil,  nor  quite  an  antiquarian.  His  mind 
{•hould  be  tinctured  with  mifcellaneous  knowl- 
edge, 


ESSAYS. 


121 


edge,  and  his  manners  humanized  by  an  intei- 
courfe  with  men.  He  (hould  be  in  fome  meaf- 
ure,  an  enthufiaft  to  the  dehgn  ;  fond  of  trav- 
elling, from  a  rapid  imagination,  and  an  in- 
nate love  of  change  :  Furnifhed  with  a  body  oa-^ 
pable  of  fullaining  every  fatigue,  and  a  heart 
not  eaiily  terrified  at  danger. 


ESSAY       XIX. 


THE  improvements  we  make  in  mental  ac- 
quirements, only  render  us  each  day 
more  fenfible  of  the  defe6is  of  our  conftitution  : 
With  this  in  view,  therefore,  let  us  often  recur 
to  the  amufements  of  youth  ;  endeavor  to  for- 
get age  and  wifdom,  and,  as  far  as  innocence 
goes,  be  as  much  a  boy  as  the  bed  of  them. 

Let  idle  declaimers  mourn  over  the  degene- 
racy of  thfe  age  :  But,  in  my  opinion,  every  age 
is  the  fame.  This  1  am  fure  of,  that  man,  in 
every  feafon,  is  a  poor  fretful  being,  with  n® 
other  means  to  efcape  the  calamities  of  the 
times,  but  by  endeavoring  to  forget  them  ;  for, 
if  he  attempts  to  refTft,  he  is  certainly  undone. 
If  I  feel  poverty  and  pam,  I  am  not  fo  hardy  as 
to  quarrel  with  the  executioner,  even  while  un- 
der corre6lion  :  I  find  myfelf  no  way  difpofed 
to  make  fine  fpeedies,  while  lam  making  wry 
faces-  In  a  word,  let  me  drink  when  the  fit  is 
L  OH, 


122  E    S    S    A    Y    «S. 

on,  to  make  me  infenfible  ;  and  drink  when  it 
is  over,    for  joy  that  I  feel  pain  no  longer. 

The  charafter  of  old  FalftafF,  even  with  all 
his  faults,  gives  me  more  confolation  than  the 
mofl  (ludied  efforts  of  wifdom  :  I  here  behold 
an  agreeable  old  fellow,  forgetting  age,  and 
fhowing  me  the  way  to  be  young  at  fixty  five. 
Sure  I  am  well  able  to  be  as  merry,  though  not 
fo  comical  as  he. — Is  it  not  in  my  power  to 
have,  though  not  fo  much  wit,  at  leaft  as  much 
vivaciiy  ? — Age,  care,  wifdom,  refledlion,  be 
gone — I  give  you  to  the  winds.  Let's  have 
t'other  bottle:  Here's  to  the  memory  of  Shake- 
fpear,  FalllafF,  and  all  the  merry  men  of  Eaft- 
cheap. 

Such  w^ere  the  reflexions  that  naturally  arofe 
while  I  fat  at  the  Boar's  Head  tavern  ftill  kept 
at  Eaflcheap.  Here,  by  a  pleafant  fire,  in  the 
very  room  where  old  Sir  John  FalflafF  cracked 
his  jokes,  in  the  very  chair  which  was  fometimes 
honored  by  Prince  Henry,  and  fometimes  pollut- 
ed by  his  immoral  merry  companions,  I  fat  and 
ruminated  on  the  follies  of  youth  ;  wilhed  to  be 
young  again ;  but  was  refolved  to  make  the 
bell  of  life  while  it  lafted,  and  now  and  then 
compared  pad  and  prefent  times  together.  I 
confidered  myfelf  as  the  only  living  reprefenta- 
tive  of  the  old  knight,  and  tranfportcd  my  im- 
agination back  to  the  limes  when  the  prince 
and  he  gave  life  to  the  revel,  and  made  even 
debauchery  not  difgufting.  The  room  alfo 
confpired  to  throw  my  reflections  back  into  an- 
^ifjuity  :    The  oak  floor,   the  Gothic  v/indows, 

9nd 


E    S     S     A     Y    S.  i2| 

and    the    ponderous    chimney   piece,  had  long 
withftood  the  tooth  of  time  ;  the  watchmen  had 
gone  twelve ;  my  companions  had  all  flolen  off, 
and    none  now  remained  with  me  but  the  land- 
lord.    From  him  I  could  have  wifhed  to  know 
the  hiftoiy  of  a  tavern  that  had  fuch  a  long  fuc. 
ceffion    of  cullomers.     I  could  not  help  think- 
ing,    that   an    account    of  this  kind  would  be  a 
pleafing    contraft   of    the    manners  of  different 
'^igcs  ;   but    my    landlord    could  give  me  no  in. 
formation.     He  continued  to  doze  and  fot,  and 
tell  a  tedious  (lory,  as  mofi  other  landlords  ufu- 
ally    do  ;     and  though  he  laid  nothing,  yet  was 
never   filent  :   One  good  joke  followed  another 
good  joke;     and    the  beft  joke  of  all  was  gene« 
rally   begun    towards    the    end  of  a  bottle.     I 
found   at    lail,    however,  his  wine  and  his  con. 
verlation  operate  by  degrees  :    He  infen fibly  be- 
gan   to  alter  his  appearance.     His  cravat  feem- 
ed    quilted  into  a  ruff,  and  his  breeches  fwelled 
into  a    fardingale.      I  now  fancied  him  chang- 
ing iexes  :     And,   as  my  eyes  began  to  clofe  in 
flumber,    I    imagined  my  fat  landlord  adually 
converted    into    as  fat  a  landlady.     However, 
fleep    made    but   few    changes  in  my  fituation  :' 
i  he    tavern,    the  apartment,  and  the  table  con- 
tinued  as  before;     nothing  fuffered   mutation 
but  my  hoft,  who  was  fairly  altered  into  a  gen- 
tlewoman,   whom  I  knew  to  be  Dame  Quickly 
miltreis   of  this  tavern  in  the  days  of  Sir  John  ; 
and  the    liquor  we  were  drinking,  feemed  con- 
verted into  lack  and  fugar, 

**  My 


124  ESSAY    S. 

"  My  dear  Mrs.  Quickly/'  cried  I,  (for  I 
knQw  her  perfc6tly  well  at  lirft  fight)  "  I  am 
'■  heartily  glad  to  fee  you.  How  have  you  left 
'•  Falftaff,  Piftol,  and  the  reft  of  our  friends  be- 

•  low  ftairs  ?  Brave  and  hearty  I  hope  ?"  "  In 
'■  goad  footh,"  replied  fhe,  *'  he  did  deferve  to 
''live  forever;  but  he  maketh  foul  work  on't 
••  where  he  hath  flitted.  Queen  Proferpine  and 
•'  he  have  quarrelled,  for  his  attempting  a  rape 
••  upon    her   divinity;    and  were  it  not  that  fhe 

•  ftili  had  bowels  of  com  pa  (lion  ;  it  more  than 
'  fcems  probable  he  might  have  been  now 
'-•  fprawling  in  Tartarus. 

1  now  found  that  fpirits  flill  preferve  the 
frailties  of  the  flefli ;  and  that,  according  to  the 
laws  of  criticifm  and  dreaming,  ghoiis  have 
been  known  to  be  p;uilty  of  even  more  than 
Platonic  affeflion  :  Wherefore,  as  I  found  her 
loo  much  moved  on  fuch  a  topic  to  proceed,  I 
3»vras  refolved  to  change  the  fubje6l ;  and,  de- 
firing  fhe  would  pledge  me  in  a  bumper,  ob- 
ferved,  with  a  figh,  that  our  fack  was  nothing 
now  to  what  it  was  in  former  days  :  **  Ah, 
Mrs.  Quickly,  thofe  were  merry  times,  when 
you  drew  fack  for  Prince  Henry ;  men  were 
twice  as  ftrong,  and  twice  as  wife,  and  much 
braver,  and  ten  thoufand  times  more  charitable 
than  now.  Thofe  were  the  times !  The  battle 
of  Agincourt  was  a  victory  indeed  !  Ever  fmce 
that,  we  have  only  been  degenerating  :  And  I 
have  lived  to  fee  the  day  when  drinking  is  na 
longer  fcjfljionable  ;  when  men  wear  clean  lliirts, 
and   women    fhow  their  necks  and  arm.s.     All 

are 


«     S     S     A     Y     S.  125 

are  degenerated,  Mrs.  Quickly;  and  wc  fhall 
probably,  in  another  century,  be  frittered  away 
into  beaux  or  monkies.  Had  you  been  on  earth 
to  fee  v/hat  I  have  feen,  it  would  congeal  all  the 
blood  in  your  body  (your  foul  I  mean.)  Why, 
our  very  nobility  now  have  the  intolerable  arro- 
gance, in  fpite  of  what  is  every  day  remonftrat- 
ed  from  the  prels  ;  our  very  nobility,  I  fay,  have 
the  alfurance  to  frequent  alTemblics,  and  pre  fume 
to  be  as  merry  as  the  vulgar.  See,  my  very 
friends  have  fcarce  manhood  enough  to  fit  to  it 
till  eleven  ;  and  I  only  am  left  to  make  a  night 
on/t.  Pr'ythee  d<d  me  the  favor  to  confole 
me  a  little  for  their  abfence,  by  the  (lory  of 
your  own  adventureSj-Tir  the  hiflory  of  the  tavern-* 
where  we  are  now  fitting  :  I  fancy  the  narra- 
tive may  have  fomething  hngular.'' 

*'  Obferve  this  apartment,"  interrupted  my 
companion,  "  of  neat  device  and  excellent 
workmanfhip — In  this  room  I  have  lived,  child, 
woman  and  ghoft,  more  than  three  hundred 
years.  I  am  ordered  by  Pluto  to  keep  an  an- 
nual regifter  of  every  tranfaQion  that  pafTed 
here  ;  and  I  have  whilom  compofed  three  hun- 
dred tomes,  which  eftfoons  may  be  fubmitted 
to  thy  regards.''  *•  None  of  yourwhiloms  or 
eftfoons,  Mrs.  Quickly,  if  you  pleafe,"  1  replied: 
''  I  know  you  can  talk  every  v/hit  as  well  as  I 
can  ;  for,  as  you  have  lived  here  fo  long,  it  is 
but  natural  to  fuppofeyou  fhould  learn  thecon- 
verfation  of  the  company.  Believe  me,  dame, 
at  bed,  you  have  neither  too  much  fenfe,  or 
too  much  language  to  fpare  ;  fo  give  me  both 
L  2  as 


i26  ESSAYS. 

as  well  as  you  can  :  But,  firft,  my  fervice  t© 
you ;  old  women  fhould  water  their  clay  a  lit- 
tie  now  and  then  ;   and  now  to  your  ftory/' 

"The  (lory  of  my  own  adventures,"  replied 
the  vifion*  is  but  fhort  and  unfatisfaftory;  for 
believe  me,  Mr.  Rigmarole,  believe  mc,  a  wo- 
man with  a  butt  of  fack  at  her  elbow,  is  never 
long  lived.  Sir  John's  death  afflided  me  to 
lucha  degree,  that  I  fmcerely  believe,  to  drown 
forrow,  I  drank  more  liquor  myfelf  than  I  drew 
lor  my  cuftomers  :  My  grief  was  fincere.  and 
the  fack  was  excellent.  The  prior  of  a  neigh- 
boring convent  (for  our  priors  then  had  as  much 
power  as  a  Middlefex  juflice  now)  he,  I  fay,  it 
was  who  gave  a  licence  for  keeping  a  diforderly 
houfe;  upon  condition,  that  I  ihould  never 
make  hard  bargains  with  the  dergy ;  that  he 
liquid  have  a  bottle  of  fack  every  morning,  and 
^  liberty  of  confeHTrng  which  of  my  girls  he 
tiiought  proper  in  private,  every  night,  I  had 
continued,  for  fevcn  years,  to  pay  his  tribute  ; 
and  he,  it  muft  be  confelTed,  continued  as  rig- 
oroufly  to  expe6l  it.  I  grew  old  infenhbiy  : 
My  cuflomers  continued,  however,  to  compli- 
ment my  looks  while  I  was  by ;  but  I  could 
hear  them  fay  I  was  wearing  when  my  back  was 
turned.  The  prior,  however,  dill  was  conftant, 
and  fo  were  half  his  convent :  But  one  fatal 
morning  he  miffed  the  ufual  beverage ;  fori 
had  incautioufly  drank  over  night  the  lafl:  bottle 
myfelf.  What  will  you  have  on't? — The  very 
next  day  Doll  Tearlheet  and  I  were  fent  to  the 
%&ufe   of  correSion,  und  accufed  of  keeping  a 

low 


ESSAYS.'  127 

low  bawdy  houfe.  In  fhort,  we  were  lb  well 
purified  there  with  ftripes,  mortification  and 
penance,  that  we  were  afterwards  utterly  unfit 
for  worldly  converfation.  Though  fack  woukl 
have  killed  me,  had  I  fluck  to  it,  yet  I  foon 
died  for  want  of  a  drop  of  fomething  comfort- 
able, and  fairly  left  my  body  to  the  care  of  the 
beadle. 

'*  Such  is  my  own  hiftory;  but  that  of  the 
tavern,  where  I  have  ever  lince  been  ilationed, 
affords  greater  variety.  In  the  hiftory  of  this, 
which  is  one  of  the  oldefl  in  London,  you  may 
view  the  different  manners,  pleafures,  and  fol- 
lies of  men  at  different  periods.  You  will  find 
mankind  neither  better  nor  worfe  now  than  for- 
merly ;  the  vices  of  an  uncivilized  people  are 
generally  more  deteflable,  though  not  fo  fre- 
quent, as  thofe  in  polite  fociety.  It  is  the  fame 
luxury  which  formerly  ituffed  your  aldermen 
with  plumb  porridge,  and  now  crams  him  with 
turtle.  It  is  the  fame  low  ambition  that  for- 
merly induced  a  courtier  to  give  up  his  religion 
to  pleafe  his  king,  and  now  perfuades  him 
to  give  up  his  confcience  to  pleafe  his  mailer. 
It  is  the  fame  vanity  that  formerly  flained  our 
ladies'  cheeks  and  necks  with  woad,  and  now 
paints  them  with  carmine.  Your  ancient  Briton 
formerly  powdered  his  hair  with  red  earth,  like 
brick  dull,  in  order  to  appear  frightful :  Your 
modern  Briton  cuts  his  hair  on  the  crown,  and 
piaflers  it  with  hog's  lard  and  tlour;  and  this 
t®  make  him  look  killing.  It  is  the  fame 
vanity,  the  fame  foily  and  the  Tame  vice,  only 
^  appearing 


J28  ESSAY     S. 

appearing  diflPerent,  as  viewed  through  theglaft 
of  fafhion.  In  a  word,  all  mankind  are — " 

''  Sure  the  woman  is  dreaming,"  interrupted 
Ijf  ,"  None  of  your  reflexions  Mrs.  Quickly, 
^you  love  me  ;  they  only  give  me  the  fpleen. 
Tell  me  your  hiflory  at  once.  I  love  flories, 
but  hate  reafoning/' 

''  If  you  pleafe,  then  Sir/'  returned  my  com- 
panion, *'  rilreadyouan  abftra6l  which  I  made 
of  the  tHree  hundred  volumes  I  mentioned  juft 
now. 

'•  My  body  was  no  fooner  laid  in  the  dull 
than  the  prior  and  feveral  of  his  convent  came 
to  purify  the  tavern  from  the  pollutions  with 
which  they  faid  I  had  hlled  it.  Mafles  were 
faid  in  every  room,  reliques  were  expofed  upon 
every  piece  of  furniture,  and  the  whole  houfe 
waflied with  a  deluge  of.holy  water.  My  hab- 
itation was  foon  converted  into  a  monaflerv  : 
inftead  of  cuflomersnow  applying  for  fack  and 
fugar,  my  rooms  were  crowded  with  images, 
reliques,  fainis,  whores  and  friars;  inftead  of 
being  a  fcene  of  occafional  debauchery,  it  was 
now  filled  with  continual  lewdnefs.  The  prior 
led  the  fafhion,  and  the  whole  convent  imitated 
his  pious  example.  Matrons  came  hither  to 
confefs  their  fins  and  to  commit  new.  Virgins 
came  hither,  who  feldom  wetit^virgins  away. 
Nor  was  this  a  convent  peculiarly '"vV'icked  ;  eve- 
ry convent,  at  that  period,  was  equally  fond  of 
pleafure,  and  gave  a  boundlefs  loofe  to  appe- 
tite. The  laws  allowed  it;  each  prieil  had  a 
right   to  a  favcRite  companion,  and  a  power  of 

difcarding 


ESSAYS.  129 

difcarding  her  as  often  as  be  pleafed.  The  laity 
grumbled,  quarrelled  with  their  wives  and 
daughters,  hated  their  confelTors,  and  maintain- 
ed them  in  opulence  and  eafe.  Thcfe.  thefe  were 
happy  times,  Mr.  Rigmarole  :  Thele  were  times 
of  piety,  bravery  and  hmplicity  \"  "  Not  fo 
very  happy  neither,  good  madam ;  pretty  much  , 
like  the  prefent :  Thofe  that  labor,  flarve ;  and 
thofe  that  do  nothing,  wear  hne  clothes,  and 
live  in  luxury/' 

''  In  this  manner  the  fathers  lived,  for  fome 
years,  without  moleftation :  They  tranfgrefred, 
confelfed  themfelves  to  each  other,  and  were 
forgiven.  Oug  e\'ening,  however,  our  prior 
keeping  a  lady  of  dillin6lion  fomewhat  too  long 
at  confeffion,  her  hufband  unexpededly  came 
in  upon  them,  and  teilified  ail  the  indignation 
that^was  natural  upon  fuch  an  occafion.  The 
prior  aifured  the  gentleman  that  it  was  the  devil  - 
who  had  put  it  into  his  heart ;  and  the  lady  was 
very  certain,  that  fhe  w^as  under  the  influence  of 
magic,  or  iht  fhould  never  have  behaved  in  fo 
unfaithful  a  manjier.  The  hufband,  however, 
was  not  to  be  put  off  by  fuchevahons,  but  fum- 
moned  both  before  the  tribunal  of  ju (lice.  His 
proofs  were  flagrant,  and  he  expe61;ed  large 
damages.  Such,  indeed,  he  had  a  right  to  ex-^ 
pe6l,  were  the  tribunals  of  thofe  days  confliiut- 
ed  in  the  fame  manner  as  they  are  now.  The 
caufe  of  the  priefl:  w^as  to  be  tried  before  an  af- 
fembly  of  priefts  ;  and  a  layman  was  to  expe6l 
redrefs  only  from  their  impar^jity  and  candor. 
What  pka  then  do  you  thialclhe  prior  made  to 

obviate 


130  ESSAY    S. 

obviate  this  accufation  ?  He  denied  the  faft, 
and  challenged  the  plaintiff  to  try  the  merit^  of 
thejr  caufe  by  fingle  combat.  It  was  a  little 
hard,  you  may  be  fure,  upon  the  poor  gentle- 
man, not  only  to  be  made  a  cuckold,  but  to 
be  obliged  to  fight  a  duel  into  the  bargain ;  yet 
fuch  was  the  juftice  of  the  times.  The  prior 
threw, down  his  glove,  and  the  injured  hufband 
was  obliged  to  take  it  up,  in  token  of  his  ac- 
cepting the  challenge. 

'•  Upon  this  the  priexl  fupplied  his  champion, 
for  it  w^s  not  lawful  for  the  clergy  to  fight  ; 
and  the  defendant  and  plaintiff,  accordmg  to 
cuflom,  v;'ere  put  in  prifon;  both  ordered  to  fall 
and  pray,  every  method  being  previoufly  ufed 
to  induce  both  to  a  confeflion  of  the  truth. 
After  a  month's  imprifonment,  the  hair  of  each 
was  cut,  the  bodies  anointed  with  oil,  the  field 
of  battle  appointed  and  guarded  by  foldiers, 
while  his  majeffy  prefided  over  the  whole  in 
perfon.  Both  the  champions  were  fworn  not  to 
leek  vidory  either  by  fraud  or  magic.  They 
prayed  and  confeffed  upon  their  knees ;  and  af- 
ter thefe  ceremonies,  the  refl  was  left  to  the 
courage  and  condu6l  of  the  combatants.  As 
the  companion  whom  the  prior  had  pitched  up- 
on, had  fought  fix  or  eight  times  upon  fimilar 
occafions,  it  was  no  way  extraordinary  to  find 
him  vi61orious  in  the  prefent  combat.  In  fhort, 
the  hufband  was  difcomfited  :  He  v/as  taken 
from  the  field  of  battle,  flapped  to  the  fliirt, 
and,  after  one  of|^is  legs  was  cut  off,  as  juRice 
ordained  in  iuch  cafcSj  he  was  hanged  as  a  terror 

to 


ESSAYS.  131 

to  future  offenders.  Thefe,  thefe  were  tke 
times,  Mr.  Rigmarole  !  you  fee  how  much  more 
juft,  and  wife,  and  valiant,  our  anceflors  were 
than  us."  *'  I  rather  fancy,  Madam,  that  the 
times  were  then '  pretty  much  like  our  own  ; 
where  a  multiplicity  of  laws  gives  a  judge  as 
much  power  as  a  want  of  law  ;  (ince  he  is  ever 
fure  to  find  among  the  number  fome  to  counte- 
nance his  partiality." 

''  Our  convent,  vidorious  over  their  ene- 
«mies,  nov7  gave  a  loofe  to  the  derhonflration  of 
joy.  The  lady  became  a  nun,  the  prior  was 
madeabifhop,  and  three  WicklifStes  were  burn- 
ed in  the  illuminations  and  fire  works  that  were 
made  on  the  prefent  occafion.  Our  convent 
now  began  to  enjoy  a  very  high  degree  of  repu- 
tation. There  was  not  one  in  London  that  had 
the  chara6ier  of  hating  heretics  fo  much  as  ours. 
Ladies  of  the  firft  diftinQion  chofe  from  our 
roDvent  their  confefTors;  in  fhort,  it  flourifhed, 
and  might  have  flourifhed  to  this  hour,  but  for 
a  fatal  accident  which  terminated  in  its  over- 
throw. The  lady  whom  the  prior  had  placed 
in  a  nunnery,  and  whom  he  continued  to  vifit 
for  fome  time  with  great  puncluality,  began  at 
lad  to  perceive  that  ihe  was  quite  foifaken.  Se- 
cluded from  Gonverfation,  as  ulual,  (he  now  en- 
tertained the  vifions  of  a  devotee;  found  her- 
felf  (Irangely  diilurbed;  but  heiitated  in  deter- 
mining whether  fhe  was  pofTciTed  by  an  angel 
or  a  demon.  She  v/as  not  long  in  fufpenfe  ; 
for  upon  vomiting  a  large  quantity  of  crooked 
pin,s,  and  finding  the  palms  of  her  hands  turned 

outwards, 


132 


ESSAYS. 


©utwards,  flie  quickly  concluded  that  fiie  was 
poflelled  by  the  devil.  She  foon  lofl  entirely 
the  ufe  of  fpeech ;  and,  when  Ihefeemed  to 
fpeak,  every  body  that  was  prefent  perceived 
that  her  voice  was  not  her  own,  but  that  of  the 
devil  within  her.  In  fhort,  fhe  was  bewitched  ; 
and  all  the  difRculty  lay  in  determining  who  it 
could  be  that  bewitched  her.  The  nuns  and 
the  monks  all  demanded  the  magician's  name, 
but  the  devil  made  no  reply  ;  for  he  knew  they 
had  no  authority  to  aik  queftions.  By  the  rules 
of  witchcraft,  when  an  evil  fpirit  has  taken  pof- 
felTion,  he  may  refufe  to  anfwer  any  queftions 
afked  him,unlefs  they  are  put  by  a  bifhop;  and 
to  thefe  he  is  obliged  to  reply.  A  bifhop  there- 
fore, was  fent  for,  and  now  the  whole  fecret 
came  out.  The  devil  reludantly  owned  that 
he  was  a  fervant  of  the  prior;  that,  by  his  com- 
mand, he  refided  in  his  prefent  habitation  ;  and 
that,  without  his  command,  he  was  refolved  to 
keep  in  poiTeffion.  The  bifhop  was  an  able 
exorcift ;  he  drove  the  devil  out  by  force  of 
myftical  arms;  the  prior  was  arraigned  for 
witchcraft ;  the  witneflfes  were  ftrong  and  nu- 
merous againil  him,  not  lefs  than  fourteen  per- 
fons  being  by,  who  had  heard  the  devil  talk 
Latin.  There  was  no  refilling  fuch  a  cloud  of 
witneffes  :  The  prior  was  condemned  ;  and  he 
who  had  aflifted  at  fo  many  burnings,  was  burn- 
ed himfelf  in  turn.  Thefe  weie  times,  Mr. 
Rigmarole;  the  people  of  thefe  times  were  not 
inhdels,  as  now,  but  finccre  believers!" — 
*'  Equally  faulty  with  ourfclves :  They  believed 

wh&t 


ESSAYS.  isB 

wliat  the  devil  was  pi ea fed  to  tell  them ;  and 
we  feem  refolved,  at  lad,  to  believe  neither  God 
jLior  devil." 

After  fuch  a  (lain  upon  the  convent,  it  was 
not  to  be  fuppofed  it  could  fubfill  any  longer; 
the  fathers  ivere  ordered  to  decamp,  and  the 
houfe  was  once  again  converted  into  a  tjivern. 
The  king  conferred  it  on  one  of  his  caft  off  niif- 
trelTcs  :  She  was  conRituted  landlady  by  royal 
authority;  and,  as  the  tavern  v/as  in  the  neigh- 
borhood of  the  court,  and  the  niiftrefs  a  very 
polite  woman,  it  began  to  have  more  bufinefs 
than  ever,  and  fometimes  took  not  lefs  than  four 
Ihiliings  a  day. 

"  But  perhaps  you  are  defirous  of  knowing 
tvhat  were  the  peculiar  qualifications  of  women 
of  faihion  at  that  period  ;  and  in  a  defcription 
of  the  prefent  landlady,  you  will  have  a  tolera- 
ble idea  of  all  the  reR.  This  lady  was  the 
daughter  of  a  nobleman,  and  had  received  fuck 
an  education  inthecountryas  became  her  qual- 
ity, beauty  and  great  expeclations.  She  could 
make  lliifts  and  hofe  for  herfeif  and  all  the  ler^ 
vants  of  the  family,  when  ihe  was  twelve  year*- 
old.  She  knev/  the  names  of  the  four  ajid  twent}'' 
letters,  fo  it  was  impoffible  to  bewitch  her; 
and  this  was  a  greater  piece  of  learning  than  any 
lady  in  the  whole  country  coiild  pretend  to. 
She  was  always  up  early,  and  fa wbreakfaft  ferv- 
id in  the  great  hali  by  fix  o'clock.  At  this 
■  fcene  of  feflivity  ihe  generally  improved  good 
humour,  by  telling  her  dreams,  relating  ftories 
©f  fpirits,  fevered  of  which ihi.^  herfeif  had  feen  ; 
M  and 


J  34  E    S    S     A    t    S. 

SLud  one  of  which  fhe  was  reported  to  have  kilL 
ed  with   a   black  hafted   knife.     From    thence 
ihe  ufually   went  to  make  pafiry  in  the  larder, 
and  here  fhe   was  followed  by  her  fweethearts, 
who  were  much  helped   on  in  converfation  by 
flruggling    with     her    for    kifTes.      About    ten, 
JMifs  generally   went  to  play  at  hotcockles  and 
blind  man's  buff  in  the  parlour  ;   and  when  the 
young  folks   (for   they   feldom  played  at    hot- 
.cockles   when  grown  old)   were  tired  of  fuch 
amufements,    the    gentlemen    entertained   Mifs 
with  the  hillory  of  their  grey  hounds,  bear  bait.- 
ings   and  vi6lories    at  cudgel    playing.    If  the 
weather  was   fine,   they  ran  at  the  ring,  (liot  at 
butts,  while  Mifs    held  in  her  hand  a   ribbon, 
with  which   fhe  adorned  the  conqueror.     Her 
mental  qualifications  were  exa6lly  fitted  to  her 
external  accomplifhments.     Before  (he  was  fif- 
teen, fhe  could  tell  the  flory  of  Jack  the  Giant 
Killer,  could   name  eveiy    mountain   that  was 
inhabited  by  fairies,  knew  a  witch  at  firll  fight, 
and  could  repeat   four   Latin  prayers  without 
a  prompter.     Her  drefs  was  perfe6lly  fafhiona^ 
ble  ;  her  arms  and  her  hair  were  completely 
covered  ;  a  monftrous    ruflF  was  put  round  her 
;ieck  ;  fo   that  her  head    feemed    like    that  of 
John  the  Baptitl  placed  in  a  charger.     In  fhort, 
when  completely  equipped,  her  appearance  was 
fo  very  modeft,  th^t  fhe  difcovered  little  more 
than   her  .nofe.     Thefe   were   the    times,   Mr. 
Rigmarole,   v^hen  every   lady   that  had  a  good 
nolc  might  fet  up  for   a  beauty  ;  when  ever^ 
woman  that  could  tell  (lories  might  be  cried 

up 


ESSAYS.  1^'^ 

Qp  for  a  wit."  *'  I  am  as  much  difplcafed  at 
thofe  drell'es  which  conceal  too  much,  as  at 
thofe  which  difcover  too  much.  lam  equally  aa 
enemy  to  a  female  dunce,  or  a  female  pedant." 

*'  You  may  be  fare  that  Mifs  chofe  a  huf- 
band  wi^h  qualifications  refembling  her  own  ; 
fhe  pitched  upon  a  courtier,  equally  remarka- 
ble for  hunting  and  drinking,  who  had  given  fev- 
eral  proofs  of  his  great  virility  among  the  daugh- 
ters of  bis  tenants  and  domeflics.  They  fell  ia 
love  at  fird  fight,  (for  fuch  was  the  gallantry  of 
the  times)  were  married,  came  to  court,  and 
Madam  appeared  with  fuperior  qualifications. 
The  king  was  flruck  wilH  her  beauty.  Alt 
property  was  at  th€  king's  command  ;  the  huf- 
band  was  obliged  to  refign  all*  pretenfions  ia 
his  wife  to  the  fovereign  whom  God  had  anoint- 
ed to  commit  adultiery  where  he  thought  prop- 
er. The  king  loved  her  for  fome  time  ;  but, 
at  length,  repenting  of  his-  mifdeeds,  and  infli- 
gated  by  his  father  confeffor,  from  a  principle 
of  confcience  removed  her  from  his  levee  to 
the  bar  of  this  tavern,  and  took  a  neiv  raillrefs 
in  her  flead.  Let  it  not  furprife  you  to  be- 
hold the  miftrefs  of  a  king  degraded  to  fo  hum- 
ble an  office.  As  the  ladies  had  no  mental  ac- 
compliihments,  a  good  face  was  enough  to  raift; 
them  to  the  royal  couch  :  And  fhe  who  was  this 
day  a  royal  miftiefs,  might,  the  next,  when  her 
beauty  palled  upon  enjoyment,  be  doomed  ta 
infamy  and  want. 

"  Under   the   care  of  this  lady,    the   tavern- 
grew  into  great  reputation  :  The  courtiers  had 

not 


136  ESSAYS. 

not  yet  learned  to  game,  but  they  paid  it  ofF  by 
drinkincr.     Drunkennefs   is  ever  the  vice  of  a 
"barbarous,   and    gaming    of   a    luxurious    age. 
They  had  not   fuch  frequent  entertainments  as 
the  moderns  have,  but  were  more  cxpen five  and 
more  luxurious  in   thofe   they  had.      All  their 
icoleries  weie  more  elaborate,  and  more  admir- 
ed by  the  great  and  the  vulgar   than   now.       A 
eourtier  has  been  known  to   fpend    his  whole 
fortune  at  a  fmgle  feafl  ;  a  king  to  mortgage  his 
dominions,  to  furnifh  out  the  frippery  of  a  tour- 
nament.    There    were  certain    days  appointed 
for  riot  and  debauchery  ;  and  to  be  fober  at 
fuch  times,  was  reputed  a  crime.     Kings  them- 
felves  fet  the  example  ;  and  I   have  feen  mon- 
archs  in  this   room  drunk  before  the   entertain- 
ment   was    half  concluded.      Thefe    were    the 
times,  Sir,   when  kings  kept  miftreflTes,    and  got 
drunk  in  publick  :  They  were  too  plain  and  fim- 
ple  in  thofe  happy  times,   to   hide   their   vices,, 
and  a6t  the  hypocrite,  as  now."    '*  Lord  !  Mrs* 
Quickly,"   interrupting    her,    "   I    e^pe6fed  to 
liave  heard  a  ftory,  and  here  you   are   going  to 
tell  me,   I  know  not  what,   of  times  and  vices  ; 
pr'ythee  let  me  entreat  thee  once  more  to  wave 
reflexions,  and  give  thy  hiflory  without  devia- 
lioi?/' 

"  No  ladv  upon  earth/'  continued  my  vif- 
jonary  correfpondent,  ''  knew  how  to  put  off 
bcr  damaged  w-ine  or  women  with  more  art 
than  (he.  When  thefe  grew  flat,  or  thofe  pal- 
try, il  was  but  changing  the  names  ;  the  wine 
became  excellcxit,  and  the  girls  agreeable.     Sh« 


ESSAYS.  iQ^ 


\j  *' 


was  alfopofrp-fiedof  the  engaging  leer,  the  chuclc 
under  the  chin,  winked  at  a  double  entendre, 
could  nick  the  opportunity  of  calling  for  foihe- 
thing  comfortable,  and  perfectly  underflood  th« 
difcreet  moments  when  tx>  withdraw.  The  gal- 
lants of  thofe  times  pretty  much  refernbled  th« 
bloods  of  ours  ;  they  were  fond  of  pleafure,  but 
quite  ignorant  of  the  art  of  refining  upon  it. 
Thus,  a  court  bawd  of  thofe  times  refernbled 
the  common  low  lived  harridan  of  a  modern 
bagnio.  Witnefs,  ye  powers  of  debauchery, 
how  often  I  have  been  prefent  at  the  various 
appearances  of  drunkennefs,  riot,  guilt  and  bru- 
tality !  A  tavern  is.  a  true  piclure  of  human  in- 
firmity :  In  hiftory  we  find  only  one  fide  of  the 
age  exhibited  to  our  view  ;  but,  in  the  accounts 
of  a  tavern,  we  fee  every  age  equally  abfurd 
and  equally  vicious. 

"  Upon  this  lady's  deceafe,  the  tavern  was 
fucceflively  occupied  by  adventurers,  bullies, 
pimps  and  gameflers.  Towards  the  conclu- 
fion  of  the  reign  of  Henry  yi I,,  gating  was 
more  uniyerfally  prjiQifed  in  England  than  even 
now.  Kings  themfelves  have  been  known  to 
play  off,  at  Primero,  not  only  all  the  money  and 
jewels  they  could  part  with,  but  the  very  imag- 
es in  churches.  The  Lift  Henry  played  away 
in  this  very  room,  not  only  the  four  great  bells 
of  St.  Paul's  cathedral,  but  the  fine  image  of 
St.  Paul,  which  flood  on  the  top  of  the  fpire, 
ix)  Sir  iMiles  Partridge,  who  took  them  down 
the  next  day,  and  fold  them  by  au6lion.  Have 
you  then  any  caufe  to  regret  being  born  in  the 
M 1  times 


ASS  ESSAY     S. 

times  you  now  live  ?  Or  do  you  dill  believe  that 
human  nature  continues  to  run  on  declining 
every  age  ?  It  we  oblerve  the  a6iions  of  the 
bufy  part  of  mankind,  your  anceftors  will  be 
found  infinitely  more  grofs,  fervile,  and  even 
didionett,  than  you.  If,  forfaking  hiftory,  we 
only  trace  them  in  their  hours  of  amufement 
and  diflipation,  we  fliall  find  them  more  fenfu- 
al,  more  entirely  devoted  to  pleafure,  and  in- 
finitely more  felfifh. 

''  The  laft  hoitefs  of  note  1  find  upon  record, 
was  Jane  Roufe.  She  was  born  among  the 
lower  ranks  of  the  people  ;  and,  by  frugality 
and  extreme  complaifance,  contrived  to  acquire 
SL  moderate  fortune.  This  fhe  might  have  en- 
joyed for  many  years,  had  (lie  not  unfoitunately 
quarrelled  with  one  of  her  neighbors,  a  woman 
who  was  ic  high  repute  for  fan61ity  through 
the  whole  parilh.  In  the  times  of  which  I 
fpeak,  two  women  feldom  quarrelled,  that  one 
did  not  accufe  the  other  of  witchcraft  ;  and  fhe 
who  firrt^ contrived  to  vomit  crooked  pins,  was 
fure  to  come  off  victorious.  The  Icandal  of  a 
modern  tea  table  differs  widely  from  the  fcan- 
d'al  of  former  tinies.  The  fafcination  of  a  lady's 
eyes,  at  prefent,  is  regarded  as  a  compliment  ; 
but,  if  a  lady,  formerly,  fhould  be  accufed  of 
having  witchcraft  in  her  eyes,  it  v/ere  much 
better  both  for  her  foul  and  body  that  flie  had 
no  eyes  at  all. 

"  In  fhort,  Jane  Roufe  was  accufed  of 
witchcraft  ;  and,  though  fhe  made  the  befl  de- 
fence {he  could,  it  was  all  to  no  purpofe  ;  ftie 

was 


E     S     S     A     Y     S.  139 

was  taken  from  her  own  bar  to  the  bar  of  the 
Old  Bailey,  condemned  and  executed  accord- 
ingly. Thefe  were  times  indeed  !  when  even 
women  could  not  fcold  in  fafety. 

'-  Since  her  time,  the  tavern  undenvent  feve- 
ral  revolutions,  according  to  the  fpirit  of  the 
limes,  or  the  difpofition  of  the  reigning  mon- 
arch. It  was  this  day  a  brothel,  and  tldt  next 
a  conventicle  for  enthufiaRs.  It  was  one  year 
noted  for  harboring  whigs,  and  the  next,  infa- 
mous for  a  retreat  to  tories.  Some  years  asro  it 
was  in  high  vogue,  but  at  prefent  it  feems  de- 
clining. This  only  may  be  remarked  m  gene- 
ral, that,  whenever  taverns  flourilh  moil,  the 
times  are  thenmofl  extravagant  and  luxurioas/' 
*'  Lord  1  Mrs.  Quickly,"  interrupted  I,  '*  you 
have  really  deceived  m.e  ;  I  expecled  a  romance, 
and  here  you  have  been  this  half  hour  giving  me 
only  a  defcription  of  the  fpirit  of  the  times.  If 
you  have  nothing  but  tedious  remarks  to  com- 
municate, feek  fome  other  hearer  ;  I  am  deter- 
mined to  hearken  only  to  [lories. " 

I  had  fcarce  concluded,  when  my  eyes  and 
ears  feemed  opened  to  my  landlord,  who  had 
been  all  this  while  giving  me  an  account  of  the 
repairs  he  had  made  in  the  houfe  ;  and  was  now 
got  into  the  flory  of  the  cracked  glafs  in  the 
dining  room. 

ESSAY 


140  ESSAY    S. 

ESS    A    Y       XX. 

WHATEVER  may  be  ilic  merits  of  the- 
Englifli  in  other  fcienecs,  they  feem 
peculiarly  excellent  in  the  art  of  healing.  There 
is  fcarceiy  a  diforder  incident  to  humanity, 
againft  which  our  advertifmg  do61:ors  are  not 
poifeiTed  with  a  mod  infallible  antidote.  The 
profelTors  of  other  arts  confefs  the  inevitable  in- 
tricacy  of  things  ;  talk  with  doubt,  and  decide 
with  hefilation  :  But  doubting  is  entirely  un- 
known in  medicine  :  the  advertiiins^  orofeflTors 
here,  delight  in  cafes  of  difficulty  :  Be  the  dif- 
order neves  fo  defperate  or  radical,  you  will 
find  numbers  in  every  flreet,  who,  by  levelling 
a  pill  at  the  part  affefted,  promife  a  certain  cure 
without  lofs  of  time,  knowledge  of  a  bed  fel- 
low, or  hindrance  of  bufmefs. 

-When  1  confider  the  afliduity  of  this  profef- 
fion,  their  ;benevolence  amazes  me.  They  not 
Only,  in  general,  give  their  medicines  for  half 
value,  but  ufe  the  moft  perfuafive  remonflran- 
ces  lo  induce  the  fick  to  come  and  be  cured. 
Sure  there  mull  be  fomething  ilrangely  obRi- 
nate  in  an  Englifli  patient,  w^ho  refufcs  fo  much 
health  upon  fuch  eafy  terms  !  Does  he  take  a 
pride  in  being  bloated  with  a  dropfy  ?  Does  he 
find  pleafurein  the  alternations  of  an  intermit- 
tent fever  ?  or  feel  as  much  fatisfaQionin  nurf-. 
ing  uv  the  gout,  ,  he  found  pleafure  in  ac- 
quiring it  ?  He  mud  ;  othefwiielie  would  nev- 
er reje6l  fuch  repeated  aJlurances  of  inflant  re- 
lief. 


ESSAYS.  iit 

Itef.  What  can  be  more  convincing  than  the- 
manner  in  which  the  fick  are  invited  to  be  well  ? 
The  do61;or  firft  begs  the  mod  earneil  atten- 
tion of  the  publick  to  what  he  is  going  to  pro- 
pofe  ;  he  folemnly  affirms,  the  pill  was  never 
found  to  want  fuccefs  *  he  produces  a  lift  of 
thofe  who  have  been  refcued  from  the  grave  by 
taking  it.  Yet,  notwithftanding  all  this  there 
are  many  here,  who  now  and  then  think  proper 
to  be  fick  : — Only  fick,  did  I  fay  ! — There  are 
fome  who  even  think  proper  to  die  !  Yes,  by 
the  head  of  Confacius,  they  die  ;  though  they 
might  have  purchsfed  the  health  reftoring  fpe- 
€ifickfor  half  a  crown  at  every  corner. 

I  can  never  enough  admire  the  fagacity  of 
ihis  country  for  the  encouragement  given  to  the 
profedbrs  of  thi'S  art.  With  \vhat  indulgence 
does  fhe  fofter  up  thofe  of  her  own  growth,  and 
kindly  cherifh  thofe  that  come  from  abroad  ! 
Like  a  fkilful  gardener,  ftie  invites  th€m  from 
every  foreign  climate  to  herfelf.  Here  every 
great  exotick  ftrikes  root  as  foon  as  imported, 
and  feel'S  the  genial  beam  of  favour  :  While  the 
mighty  metropolis,  like  one  vafl  munifice"nt 
dunghill,  receives  them  indifcriminately  to  her 
breaft',  and  fupplies  each  with  more  than  native 
nourifhment. 

In  other  countries  the  phyfician  pretends  to- 
cure  diforders  in  the  lump  :  The  fame  do6lor 
who  combats  the  gout  in  the  toe,  fliall  pretend 
to  prefcribe  for  a  pain  in  the  head  ;  and  he  who 
at  one  time  cures  a  confumption,  Iball  at  an^ 
©.{.her  giwe   drugs    for   a   dropfy.     How  abfurd 

arid 


142  E    S    S    A     Y    S'. 

and  ridiculou^s  !  This  is  being  a  mere  Jack  of 
«ll  trades.  Is  the  animal  machine  lefs  com- 
plicated than  a  brafs  pin?  Not  lefs  than  ten  dif- 
ferent hands  are  required  to  make  a  brafs  pin  ; 
and  ftiall  trhe  body  be  fet  right  by  one  fingle  op- 
erator ? 

The  Engliih  are  fenfible  of  the  force  of  this 
reafoning  :  They  have'therefore  one  doctor  for 
tbe  eyes,  another  for  the  toes  ;  they  have  their 
fciatica  do61ors,  and  inoculating  do6lors  ;  they 
have  one  doctor  who  is  modeftly  content  with 
fdcuring  them  from  bug  bites,  and  five  hundred 
who  prefcribe  for  the  bite  of  mad  dogs. 

But  as  nothing  pleafes  curio hty  more  than 
anecdotes  of  the  great,  however  minute  or  trif- 
ling, I  mull  prefent  you,  inadequate  as  myabil* 
ities  are  to  the  fubjcci:,  with  an  account  of  one 
or  two  of  thofe  perfonages  who  lead  in  this  hon- 
orable profelhon. 

The  firil  upon  the  lift  of  glory,  is  doEior 
Richard  Rock,  F.  U.  N.  This  great  man  is 
fiioit  of  ftature;  is  fat,  and  waddles  as  he  walks. 
He  always  wears  a  white  three  tailed  W*ig,  nice- 
ly combed,  and  frizzled  upon  each  cheek. 
Sometimes  he  carries  a  cane,  but  a  hat  never  : 
It  is  indeed  very  remarkable  that  this  extraor- 
dinary perfonnge  niould  never  wear  a  hat  ;  but 
fo  it  is,  a  hat  he  never  wears.  He  is  ufually 
drawn  at  the  top  of  his  own  bills,  fitting  in 
his  arm  chair  holding  a  little  bottle  between  his 
finger  and  thumb  and  furrounded  with  rotten 
teeth,  nippers,  pills,  packecs,  ar^  gallypots.-J 
No  man  can  promife  fairer  or  better  than  he  ; 

for, 


E    S    S    A     y    S.  i4g 

for.  as  he  obferves,  **  Be  your  diforder  never  fo 
far  gone,  be  \inder  no  uneafmefs,  make  your- 
felf  quite  eafy,  I  cinn  cure  you. 

The  next  in  fame,  though  b}'  fome  reckoned 
of  equal  pretenfions,  is  Doctor  Timothy  Franks, 
F.  O.  G.  H.  living  in  the  Old  Baily.  As  Rock 
is  remarkably  fquab,  his  great  rival  Franks  is  re- 
markably tail.  He  was  born  in  the  year  of  the 
Chriftian  era  1692,  and  is,  u'hile  I  now  write, 
exa6lly  fixty  eight  years,  threem.onths,  and  four 
days  old.  Age,  however,  has  no  wife  impair- 
ed his  ufual  health  and  vivacity  :  I  am  told  he 
generally  walks  with  his  bread  open.  This 
gentleman,  who  is  of  a  mix^ed  reputation,  is 
particularly  remarkable  for  a  becoming  affur- 
ance,  which  carries  him  gently  through  life  .; 
for,  except  Do6lor  Rock,  none  are  more  bleff- 
ed  with  -the  advantages  of  face  than  Do£lor 
Franks. 

And  yet  the  great  have  their  foibles  as  well 
as  the  little.  I  am  almofl  alliamed  to  mention 
••it. — Let  the  foibles  of  the  great  reil  in  peace — 
'Yet  I  mufl  impart  the  whole — Thefe  two  great 
men  are  actually  iiow  at  variance  ;  like  mere 
•men,  mere  common  mortals.  Rock  advifes 
the  world  to  beware  of  bog  trotting  quacks  ; 
Franks  retorts  the  wit  and  thefarcafm,  by  fixing 
on  his  rival  the  odious  appellation  of  Dump^in^ 
Dick  !  He  calls  the  ferious  Dodor  Rock, 
Dumpling  Dick  !  Head  of  Confucius,  what 
profanation  !  Dumpling  Dick  !  What  a  pity^ 
ye  powers,  that  the  learned,  who  v/ere  borm 
STkutuallj  to   affifl  in  enlightening  the  worlds 

ihould 


x^4  E    S     S     A"   Y     S^ 

fhould  thus  differ  among  themfelves,  and  make    . 
even   the  profefTion  ridiculous  !   Sure  the  world    ; 
is  wide  enough,  at  lead,  for  two  great  perfona-    ^ 
cres  to  figure   in  :    Men  of  fcience  fliould  leave  j| 
controverfy   to  the    little  world  below    them  ; 
and  then  we  might  fee  Rock  and  Franks  walk- 
ing together,  hand  in  hand,  fmiling,  onward  t© 
immortality. 


ESSAY         XXI. 

AM  fond  of  amufement  in  whatever  com- 
^  pany  it  is  be  found  ;  and  wit,  though  dreff- 
cd  in  rags,  is  very  pleafing  to  me.  I  went  fome 
days  ago  to  take  a  v/alk  in  St.  James's  Park, 
about  the  hour  in  which  company  leave  it  logo 
to*dinner.  There  w^ere  but  few  in  the  walks,  , 
and  ihofe  who  ftayed,  feemed  by  their  looks 
rather  more  willing  to  forget  that  they  had  an 
anpetite,  than  gain  one.  I  far  down  on  one  of  the 
benches,  a:  the  other  end  of  which  was  feated 
a  man  in  very  fliabby  clothes. 

We  continued  to  groan,  hem  and  to  cough, 
as  ufual  upon  fuchoccafions  ;  and,  at  lafl,  ven- 
tured  upon  converfation.  ''  I  beg  pardon.^  fir," 
cri^d  I,  ''  but  I  think  I  have  feen  you  berore  ; 
your  face  is  familiar  to  me."  'vYts,  fir,"  re- 
plied he,  "  I  have  a  good  familiar  face,  as  my 
friends  tell  mc.  I  am  as  well  known  in  every 
town  in  England  as  the  dromedary,  oi  live  croc- 
odile.    You  mua  underiland,  fir,  that  I  have 

been 


ESSAYS.  145 

been  thefe  fixteen  years  Merry  Andrew  to  a 
puppet  fhow.  Lafl  Bartholomew  fair  my  mai- 
ler and  I  quarrelled,  beat  each  other,  and  part- 
ed :  He  to  fell  his  puppets  to  the  pincuftiion 
makers  in  Rofemary  lane,  and  I  to  ftarve  in 
St.  Jame's  Park/' 

'*  I  am  forry,  fir,  that  a  perfon  of  your  ap- 
pearance fhould  labor  under  any  difficulties/* 
<'  O  fir,''  returned  he,  **  my  appearance  is  very 
much  at  your  fervice  ;  but,  though  I  cannoC 
boall  of  eating  much,  yet  there  are  few  that  are 
merrier  :  If  I  had  twenty  thou  fan  d  a  year,  I 
fliould  be  merry  ;  and,  thank  the  fates,  though 
not  worth  a  groat,  I  am  very  merry  ftill.  If  I 
have  three  pence  in  my  pocket,  I  never  refufc 
to  be  my  three  halfpence ;  and  if  I  have  no  mon- 
€y,  I  never  fcorn  to  be  treated  by  any  that  are 
kind  enough  to  pay  my  reckoning.  What 
think  you,  fir,  of  a  ileak  and  a  tankard  ?  You 
fhall  treat  me  now,  and  I  will  treat  you  again 
when  I  find  vou  in  the  Park  in  love  with  eat- 
ing,  and  without  money   to  pay  for  a  dinner." 

As  I  never  refufeafmall  expenfe  for  the  fake 
<5f  a  merry  companion,  w-e  iriRantly  adjourned 
to  a  neighboring  alehoiife  ;  and,  in  a  few  mo- 
ments, had  a  frothing  tankard,  and  a  fmoaking 
fleak  fpread  on  the  table  before  U5,  It  is  impoifi- 
ble  to  exprefs  how  much  the  fight  of  fuch  good 
cheer  improved  my  companion's  vivacity.  *'  I 
like  this  dinner,  fir,"  fays  he,  "  for  three  rea- 
fons  :  Firft,  becaufe  1  am  naturally  fond  of  beef  ^ 
fecondly,  becaufe  I  am  hungry  ;  and,  thirdly 
And  lafily,  becaufe  I  get  it  for  nothing':  Na 
N  meat 


146  ESSAYS. 

meat  eats  fo   fweet  as  that  for  which  wc  do  not 
pay/' 

He  therefore  now  fell  to,  and  his  appetite 
feemedto  correfpond  with  his  inclination.  Af- 
ter dinner  was  over,  he  obferved  that  the  fleak 
was  tough;  ''  and  yet,  fir,"  returned  he,  *'  bad 
as  it  was,  it  feemed  a  rump  (leak  to  me.  O 
the  delights  of  poverty  and  a  good  appetite ! 
We  beggars  are  the  very  fondlings  of  nature; 
ihe  rich  flie  treats  like  an  arrant  flep  mother; 
they  are  pleafed  wiih  nothing  :  Cut  a  Itcak  from 
what  part  you  will,  and  it  is  infupportably 
tough  ;  dreis  it  up  with  pickles — even  pickles 
cannot  procure  them  an  appetite.  But  the 
whole  creation  is  filled  with  good  things  for  the 
beggar:  Calven's  butt  out  tailes  champaigne, 
and  Sedgeley's  home  brewed  excels  tokay.  Joy, 
joy,  my  blcod;  though  our  eflates  lie  no  where, 
we  have  fortunes  wherever  we  go.  If  an  inun- 
dation fwecps  away  half  the  grounds  of  Corn- 
wall, I  am  content;  I  have  no  lands  there:  If 
the  (locks  fink,  that  gives  me  no  uneafinefs ;  I 
am  no  Jew.*'  The  fellow's  vivacity,  joined  to 
Jiis  poverty,  I  own,  raifed  my  curiohty  to  know 
fomething  of  his  life  andcircumflances :  And  I 
entreated  that  he  fliould  indulge  my  defire — 
*' That  I  will,  Sir,"  faid  he,  "  and  welcome  ; 
only  let  us  drink,  to  prevent  our  fleeping ;  let 
us^  have  another  tankard,  while  we  are  awake  ; 
for  all,  how  charming  a  tankard  looks  when 
full! 

*'  You  mud  know,  then,  that  I  am  very  well 
defccadcd  :  My  anccllers  have  made  fome  noif« 

in 


ESSAYS.  .\7 

in  the  world  ;  for  my  mother  cried  oyfters,  and 
iny  father  beat  a  drum  :  I  am  told,  we  have 
even  had  fome  trumpeters  in  our  family.  Many 
a  nobleman  cannot  fliew  fo  refpe6lful  a  genealo- 
gy :  But  that  is  neither  here  nor  there.  As  I 
was  their  only  child,  my  father  defigned  to  breed 
me  up  to  his  own  employment,  which  was  that 
of  a  drummer  to  a  puppet  Ihow.  Thus,  the 
whole  employment  of  my  younger  3^ears 
wa6  that  of  interpreter  to  Puncjb  and  king  Solo- 
mon in  all  hrs  glory.  But,  though  my  father 
was  very  fond  of  inftruQing  me  in  beating  all 
the  marches  and  points  of  war,  I  made  no  very- 
great  progrefs,  becaufe  I  naturally  had  no  ear 
for  mufick  ;  fo,  at  the  age  of  fifteen,  I  went  and 
lifted  for  a  foldier.  As  I  had  ever  hated  beat- 
ing a  drum,  fo  I  foon  found  that  I  difliked  car- 
rying a  muilcet  alfo  ;  neither  the  one  trade  nor 
the  other  were  to  my  tafte,  for  1  was  by  nature 
fond  of  being  a  gentlemen :  Befides,  I  was  oblig- 
ed to  obey  my  captain ;  he  has  his  will,  I  have 
mine,  and  you  have  yours  :  Now  I  very  reafen- 
ably  concluded,  that  it  was  much  more  com- 
fortable for  a  man  to  obey  his  own  will  than 
anoLher's. 

**  The  life  of  a  foldier  foon  therefore  gave  me 
the  fpleen.  I  afked  leave  to  quit  thefervice; 
but  as  I  was  tall  and  flrong,  my  captain  thank- 
ed me  for  my  kind  intention,  and  faid,  becaufe 
he  had  a  regard  for  me,  we  fhould  not  part.  I 
wrote  to  my  father  a  very  difmal  penitent  letter, 
and  defrred  that  he  wou4d  r^ife  money  to  pay 
fc)r  my   difcharge ;    but  the  good  man  was  as 

fond 


^4''  ESSAY    S. 

fond  of  drinking  as  I  was;  (Sir,  my  fervice  t<^ 
you)  and  tliofe  who  are  fond  of  drinking  never 
pay  for  other  people's  difcharges ;  in  fhort,  he 
:>iever  anfwered  my  letter.  What  could  be  done  ? 
]t  1  have  not  money,  faid  I  to  myfelf,  to  pay  for 
•j5y  difcharge,  I  mufl  find  an  equivalent  fome 
other  v/ay  ;  and  thatmuft  be  by  runnino^  awav. 
I  defertedj  and  it  anfwered  my  purpofe  every  bit 
as  well  as  if  I  had  bought  my  difcharge. 

**  Well,  I  was  now  fairly  rid  of  my  miiitar)r 
employment  :  I  fold  my  foldier's  clothes,  bought 
worfe,  and,  in  order  not  to  be  overtaken,  took 
the  mod  unfrequented  roades  palTible.  One  eve- 
ning, as  I  was  entering  a  village,  I  perceived  a 
man,  whom  1  afterwards  found  to  be  the  curate 
of  the  parifti,  thrown  from  his  horfe  in  a  miry 
road,  and  almofl  fmothered  in  the  mud.  He  de- 
fired  my  afliftaricc  ;  I  gave  it,  and  drevvr  him 
dut  with  fome  difficulty.  Pie  thanked  me  for 
my  trouble,  and  was  going  off;  but  I  followed 
him  home,  for  I  alwavs  loved  to  have  a  man 
thank  me  at  his  Dwn  door.  The  curate  afked 
a  hundred  quellions,  and  whofe  fon  I  was ; 
from  whence  I  came,  and  whether  I  would  be 
faithful  ?  1  anfwered  him  greatly  to  his  fatif- 
fa6lion  ;  and  gave  myfelf  one  of  the  bed  char- 
a6:ers  in  the  world  for  fobriety,  (Sir,  I  have  the 
honor  of  drinking  your  health)  difcretion  and 
fidelity.  To  make  a  long  ilory  (hort,  he  want- 
ed a  fervaut,  and  hired  me.  V/ith  him  I  liv- 
ed but  two  months.  We  did  not  much  like 
each  other  :  I  was  fond  of  eating,  and  he  gave 
me   but  litde   to  eat :  I  loved  a  pretty  girl,  and 

the 


ESSAYS.  149 

the  old  woman,  my  fellow  fervant,  was  ill  na- 
tured  and  ugly.  As  they  endeavored  to  (larve 
me  between  them,  I  made  a  pious  refolution  to 
prevent  their  committing  murder.  I  flole  the 
eggs  as  foon  as  they  were  laid  ;  I  emptied  eve- 
ry ""unfinifhed  bottle  that  1  could  lay  my  hands 
on  ;  whatever  eatable  came  in  my  way  was  fure 
tod'ifappear  ;  in  fhort,  they  found  I  would  not 
do  ;  fo  I  was  dHcharged  one  morning,  and 
paik  three  {hillings  and  fix  pence'  for  two 
month's  wages. 

'•  While  my  m.oney  was  getting  ready,  I  em- 
ployed my  felf  in   making   preparations  for  my 
departure.     Two  hens    were  hatchinginan  out 
houfe  :    I  went  and    took   the  eggs ;    and.  not 
to   feparate    the    parents    from    the  children,  I 
lodged    hens    and    all    in  my  knapfack.     After 
this  piece  of  frugaljty,  I  returnedio  receive  my 
money;  and,    with  my    knapfack  on  my  back, 
and  a  ftaff  in  my  hand,  I  bade  adieu,  with  tears 
in    my   eyes  to  rny  old  benefador.     I  had  not 
gone   far    from  the  houfe,  when  I  heard  behind^ 
me   the    cry  ©f  "  Stop  thief!"  but  this  only  in- 
creafed  my  difpatch  :   It  would  have  been  fool- 
ifh  to   flop,     as  I  knew  the  voice  could  not  be 
levelled  at    me.     Byt  hold ;    1    think    1  paffed^ 
thofe  two  months  at  the  curate's  without  drink- 
ing.     Come,  the    times  are  dry  ;  and  may  this- 
be  my  poifon,  if  ever  I  fpent  two  more   pious, 
ftupid  months  in  all  my  life. 

"  Weji,  after  travelling  fome  days,  whom^ 
fliould  I  light  upon  but  a  company  of  Itrolling 
Tiiayers.     The  moment  I    favf    them   at  a    diU 

N  %  tance, 


ISO  ESSAY    s; 

tance,  my  heart  warmed  to  them :  I  had  a  fart 
of  natural  love  for  every  thing  of  the  vagabond 
order.  They  were  employed  in  fettling  their 
baggage  which  had  been  overturned  in  a  nar- 
row way  :  I  offered  my  affiftance,  which  they 
accepted ;  and  we  foon  became  fo  well  ac- 
quainted, that  they  took  me  as  a  fervant.  This 
was  a  paradife  to  me  :  They  fung,  danced,  drank, 
eat  and  travelled,  all  at  the  fame  time^,  By 
the  blood  of  the  Mirables,  I  thought  1  had 
never  lived  till  then.  I  grew  as  merry  as  a  grig, 
and  laughed  at  every  word  that  was  fpbken. 
They  liked  me  as  much  as  1  liked  them.  I 
was  a  very  good  figure,  as  you  fee  ;  and,  though 
I  was  poor  I  was  not  modelt. 

"  I  love  a  Rraggling  life  above  all  things  in. 
the  world;  fometimes  good,  fometimes  bad; 
to  be  warm  to  day,  and  cold  tomorrow ;  to 
eat  when  one  can  get  it,  and  drink  when  (the 
tankard  is  out)  it  ftands  before  me.  We  ar- 
rived that  evening  at  Tenderden,  and  took  a 
large  room  at  the  Greyhound,  where  we  refolv- 
ed  to  exhibit  Romeo  and  Juliet,  with  the  fiine- 
ral  proceffion,  the  grave  and  the  garden  fcene. 
Romeo  was  to  be  performed  by  a  gentleman 
from  the  Theatre  Royal  in  Drury  Lane ;  Juliefc 
by  a  lady  who  had  never  appeared  on  any  (lage 
before;  and  I  was  to  fnuff  the  candies :  All  ex- 
cellent in  our  way.  We  had  figures  enow,  but 
the  difficulty  was  to  drefs  them.  The  fame 
coat  that  ferved  Romeo,  turned  with  the  blue 
lining  outwards,  ferved  for  his  friend  Mercutio  ; 
%  large  piece  of  crape  fufEced  v^t  once  for  Juliet's 

petticoat 


ESSAYS, 


*5« 


petticoat  and  pall  :  A  peflle  and  mortar  from  a 
neighboring  apothecary's,  anfwered  all  the  pur- 
poies  of  a  bell ;  and  our  landlord's  own  family, 
wrapped  in  white  fheets,.  ferved  to  fill  up  the 
proceilion.  In  fhort  there  were  but  three  figures- 
among  us  that  might  be  faid  to  be  drefled  with 
any  propriety  ;  I  mean  the  nurfe,  the  llarved 
apothecary  and  myfelf.  Our  performance  gave 
univerfal  fatisfadion  :  The  whole  audience 
were  enchanted  with  our  powers. 

*'  There  is  one  rule  by  which  a  ilrolling  play- 
er may  be  ever  fecure  of  fuccefs  ;  that  is,  in  our 
theatrical  way  of  expreffing  it,  to  make  a  great 
deal  of  the  chara6ler.  To  fpeak  and  a6t  as  in 
common  life,  is  not  playing,  nor  is  it  what  peo- 
ple come  to  fee  r  Natural  fpeaking,  like  fweet 
wine,  runs  glibly  over  the  palate,  and  fcarce 
leaves  any  tafte  behind  it;  but  being  high  in  a 
part,  refembles  vinegar,  which  grates  upon  the 
tafte,  and  one  feels  it  while  he  is  drinking.  To 
pleafe  in  town  or  country^  the  way  is,  to  cry, 
wring,  cringe  into  attitudes,  mark  th€  emphafis, 
flap  the  pockets,  and  labor  like  one  in  the  fall- 
ing ficknefs  :  That  is  the  way  to  work  for  ap- 
plaufe;  that  i»  the  way  to  gain  it. 

''  As  we  received  much  reputation  for  our 
(kill  on  this  firft  exhibition,  it  was  but  natural 
for  me  to  afcribe  part  of  this  fuccefs  to  myfelf  r 
IJ'nufFed  the  candles  ;  and  let  me  tell  you,  that, 
without  a  candle  fnuffer,  the  piece  would  lofe 
half  its  embelliOiments.  In  this  manner  we 
continued  a  fortnight,  and  drew  tolerable  houf"" 
es  ;  but  the  evening  before  our  intended  de- 
parture, 


552  ESSAY    S. 

piirture,    we  gave  out  our  very  bell  }3iece^  iit 
which  all  our  ftrength  was  to  be  exerted.     Wo 
had  great  expefelations  from  this,  and  even  doub- 
Jed  our  prices,  when  behold  one  of  our  princi- 
pal a6lors  fell  ill  of  a  violent  fever.   This  was  a 
flroke  like  thunder  to  our  little  company;   they 
were  refolved  to  go  in  a  body,  to  fcold  the  manf 
for  falling  fick  at  fo  inconvenient  a  time,   and 
that  too  of  a  diforder  that  threatened  to  be  cx- 
paifive  :   I  feized  the  moment,   and   offered  to 
a 61  the  part  myfelf  in  his   ftead.      The  cafe  was 
defperate  ;   they  accepted  my  offer;    and  I  ac- 
cordingly  fat  down  with  the  part  in  my  hand, 
and  a   tankard   before  me.     (Sir,  your  health) 
and  ftudied  the  chara6ler,  which  was  to  be  re- 
hearfed  the  next  day,  and  played  foon  after. 

"  I  found  my  memory  exceflively  helped  by 
drinking:   I    learned   my  part  with  alloniiliing. 
Rapidity,  and  bade  adieu  tofnuffing  candles  ever 
after.     1  found   that  nature  had    defigJied  me 
for  more  nobk  employments,  and  I  was  refolv- 
ed to  take  her  when  in   the  humour.     We  got 
toprether  in  order  to  rehearfe  :    and  I  informed 
my  companions,  mafters  now  no  longer,  of  the 
furpri fing  change   I  felt    within   me.      Let  the 
lick  man,    faid  I,  be  under  no  uneafmefs  to  get 
well  again;  I'll  fill  his  place  to  univerfal  fatif- 
fa6tion  :   He  may  even  die  if  he  thinks  proper  ; 
I'll  engage  that  he  fhall  never  be  miffed.     I  rc~ 
hearfed  before  them,    llrurted,  ranted,   and  re- 
ceived  applaufe.      They   foon  gave  out  that  n 
new  a6tor  of  eminence  was  to  appear,  and  im-- 
mediately  all  the  genteel  places  were  befpok^n.. 

Before 


ESSAYS.  153 

Before  I  afcended  the  Rage,  however,  I  conclud- 
ed withia   myfelf,    that,  as  I  brought  money  ta 
the  houfes,  1  ought  to    have    my    fhare   m   the 
profits.     Gentlemen,    faid    I,     addrelfing^   our 
company,  I  don't  pretend  to  dire6l  you;    far  be 
it  from  me  to  treat     you  with  fo  much  ingrati- 
tude :     You  have  publifned  my  name  in  thebills 
with  the  utmofl;    good  nature ;    and,  as    affairs 
iland,  cannot   a^:   without  me :  So,  gentlemen, 
to  fhow  you  my  gratitude,    1  expeft  to  be  paid 
for  my   acling  as  much  as  any  of  you,  otherwife 
I  declare  off:    Til   brandifh  my    fnuffers,   and 
clip   candles   as   ufual.     This   was  a  very  difa. 
greeable  propofal,.   but  they  found  that  it  was 
impoffible  to  refufe  it  ;  t'was  irrefiftable,  it  was 
adamant:   They   confented,   and  I  went    on    in 
kino-  Bajazet  as  my  frowning  brows  bound  with 
allocking  fluffed  into    a  turban,  while  on  my 
captiv'd  arms  I  brandifhed  a  jack  chain. 

Nature  feemed  to  have  fitted  me  for  the  part: 
I  was  tall,  and  had  a  loud  voice.  My  very 
entrance  excited  univerfal  applaufe.  1  looked 
round  on  the  audience  with  a  fmile,  and  made 
a  mofl  low  and  graceful  bow,  for  that  is  the 
rule  among  us.  As  it  was  a  very  paffionate  part 
1  invigorated  my  fpirits  with  three  full  glaffes 
(the  tankard  is  almoR  out)  of  brandy.  By  Alia ! 
it  is  almoii  inconceivable  how  i  went  through 
it :  Tamerlane  was  but  a  fool  to  m€  ;  though 
he  was  fometiraes  loud  enough  too,  yet  I  was 
flill  louder  than  he:  But  then,  befides,  I  had 
attitudes  in  abundance.  In  general,  I  kept  my^ 
arms  folded  up  thus,  upon  the  pit  of  my  ftom- 

ach  : 


154  ESSAY    S. 

ach  :  It  is  the  way  at  Drury  Lane,  and  has- 
always  a  fine  efiPed.  The  tankard  would  fink 
to  the  bottom  before  I  could  get  through  the 
whole  of  my  merits  r  In  fhort  1  came  off  like  a 
prodigy  ;  and  fuch  was  my  fuccefs,  that  I  could 
ravifh  the  laurels  even  from  a  furloin  of  beef. 
The  principal  ladies  and  gentlemen  of  the  town 
came  to  me,  after  the  play  was  over,  to  compli- 
ment me  upon  my  fuccefs  ;  one  praifed  my 
voice,  another  my  perfon.  Upon  my  word, 
fays  the  'fquire's  lady,  he  will  make  one  of  the 
fineR  a6lors  in  Europe :  I  fay  it,  and  I  think  I 
am  fom.ething  of  a  judge. — Praife  in  the  begin- 
ning is  agreeable  enough,  and  we  recieve  it  as  a 
favor;  but  when  it  comes  in  great  quantities, 
we  regard  it  only  as  a  debt,  which  nothing  but 
our  merit  could  extort:  Inflead  of  thanking 
them,  1  internally  applauded  myfclf.  We  were 
de  fired  to  give  our  piece  a  fecond  time:  We 
obeyed;  and  I  was  applauded  even  more  than 
before. 

"  At  lad  we  left  the  town,  in  order  to  be  at 
a  horfe  race  at  fome  diftance  from  thence.  I 
fhall  never  think  of  Tenderden  without  tears  of 
gratitude  and  reipe6i.  7'he  ladies  and  gentle- 
men there,  take  t-*^' word  for  it,  are  very  good 
judges  of  p]r  >  'nrs.     Come,  let  us  drink 

their  healths  "■%  Sir.  We  quitted  the 

town,  I  fay  ;  ana  tnere  was  a  wide  difference 
between  my  coming  in  and  going  out :  I  en- 
tered the  town  a  candle  fnuffer,  and  I  quitted 
it  a  hero! — Such  is  the  world;  little  today 
and  great  to  morrow.     I  could  fay  a  great  deat 

more 


ESSAY    S.  155 

inore  upon  that  fubje61; ;  fomething  truly  fub- 
lime  upon  the  ups  and  downs  of  fortune ;  but 
it  would  give  us  both  the  fpleen,  and  fo  I  fhall 
pafs  it  over. 

*'  The  rac€s  were  ended  before  we  arrived  at 
the  next  town,  which  was  no  fmall  difappoint* 
ment  to  our  company  :  However,  we  were  re- 
solved to  take  all  we  could  get.  I  played  cap- 
ital chara6l;ers  there  too,  and  came  off  with  my 
ufual  brilliancy.  I  fmcerely  believe  I  fhould 
have  been  the  firfl  acior  in  Europe,  had  my 
growing  merit  been  properly  cultivated  ;  but 
there  came  an  unkindly  frofl  which  piped  me 
in  the  bud,  and  levelled  me  once  more  down  to 
the  common  ftandard  of  humanity.  I  played 
Sir  Harry  Wildair  ;  all  the  country  ladies  were 
charmed  ;  if  I  but  drew  out  my  fnuff  box,  the 
whole  houfe  was  in  a  roar  of  rapture;  when  I 
jexercifed  my  cudgel,  I  thought  they  would 
Jiave  fallen  into  convulfions. 

*'  There  was  here  a  lady  who  had  received  ari 
jedueation  of  nine  months  in  London  ;  and  this 
gave  her  pretenfions  (o  tafle,  which  rendered 
her  theindifputable  itiiftrefs  of  the  ceremonies 
wherever  fhe  came.  She  was  informed  of  my 
merits ;  every  body  praiied  r-^  :  yet  flie  refaf- 
£d  at  firfl  going  to  f^e  me,  T;  She  could 

not  conceive,  Ihe  faid,  v^wv  fluff  from 

:»  flroller  ;  talked  fomethmg  in  praife  of  Gar- 
rick,  and  amazed  the  ladies  with  her  fkill  in 
enunciations,  tones  and  cadences.  She  was  at 
lail,  however,  prevailed  upon  to  go  ;  and  it  was 
privately  intimated  to  me,  what  a  judge  was  to 

bs 


iS6  E     S     S     A     V    S. 

be  prefent  at  my  next  exhibition.  However, 
no  way  intimidated,  I  came  on  in  Sir  Harry, 
one  hand  fluck  in  my  breeches,  and  the  other 
in  my  bofom,  asufual  at  Drury  Lane;  but,  in- 
llead  of  looking  at  me,  I  perceived  the  whole 
audience  had  their  eyes  turned  upon  the  lady 
who  had  been  nine  months  in  London  ;  from 
her  they  expe61ed  the  decifion  which  was  to  fe- 
cure  the  general's  truncheon  in  my  hand,  or 
fmk  me  down  into  a  theatrical  letter  carrier.  I 
opened  my  fnufFbox,  took  fnuff:  The  lady  wa« 
folemn,  and  fo  were  the  reft.  I  broke  my  cudgel 
on  alderman  Smuggler's  back,  (till  gloomy,  mel- 
ancholy all.  The  lady  groaned  and  Ihrugged  her 
(boulders.  I  attempted,  by  laughing  myfelf,  to 
excite  at  lead  a  fmile ;  but  the  devil  a  cheek 
could  I  perceive  wrinkled  into  lympathy.  I 
found  it  would  not  do.  All  my  good  humor  now, 
became  forced;  my  laughter  was  converted  into 
hylleric  grinning;  and,  while  I  pretended  fpirits, 
my  eye  ftiewed  the  agony  of  my  heart.  In  fhort, 
the  lady  camew^ith  an  intention  to  bedifpleafed, 
and  difpleafed  (he  was.  My  fame  expired;  I 
am  here;  and — the  tankard  is  no  m.ore  l" 


ESSAY     XXIL 

WHEN  Catharina  Alexowna  was  made 
emprefs  of  RulFia,  the  women  were  in 
an  actual  (late.^ot  oondage ;  but  (he  undertook 
to  introduce  mixed  aiTemblies,  as  in  other  parts 
of  Europe.     She  altered  the  women's  dreis    by 

fubfiituting 


ESSAYS-  157 

lubflituting  the  fafhions  of  England.  Inflead 
of  furs,  Ihe  brought  in  the  ufe  of  taffeta  and 
damafk  ;  and  cornets  and  commodes  inflead  of 
caps  and  fable.  The  women  now  found  them* 
feives  no  longer  (hut  up  in  feparate  apartments, 
but  faw  company,  vifited  each  other,  and  v/ere 
prefent  at  every  entertainment. 

But  as  the  laws  to  this  effe6l  were  dire6led 
to  a  favagc  people,  it  is  amufing  enough  the 
manner  in  which  the  ordinances  ran.  AiTem* 
bl ies  were  quite  unknown  among  them  :  The 
Czarina  was  fatisfied  with  introducing  them, 
for  Ihe  found  it  impolTible  to  render  them  po- 
lite. An  ordinance  was  therefore  publifhed  ac- 
cording to  their  notions  of  breeding;  which,  as 
it  is  a  curiofity,  and  has  never  before  been  print- 
ed, that  we  knov7  of,  wq  fhall  give  our  readers. 

*'l.  The  perfon  at  whofe  houfe  the  affembly 
is  to  be  kept,  Ihall  fignify  the  fame  hy  hanging 
out  a  bill,  or  by  giving  fome  other  publick  no- 
tice, by  way  of  advertifement,  to  perfons  of 
both  fexes. 

**1I.  The  affembly  ffiall  not  be  open  fooner 
than  four  or  five  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  nor 
contiuue  longer  than  ten  at  night. 

"  III.  The  mailer  of  the  houfe  fiiall  not  be 
(Sbliged  to  meet  his  guells,  or  condu6l  them 
out,  or  keep  them  company  ;  but,  though  he 
is  exempt  from  all  this,  he  is  to  find  them 
chairs,  candles,  liquors,  t^^S  all  other  ncceffa- 
ries  that  company  may  aik^ior  :  He  is  likewife 
to  provide  them  with  cards,  dice  and  every 
neceffary  for  gaming. 


158  ESSAYS. 

*'  IV.  There  fhall  be  no  fixed  hour  for  com- 
ing or  going  away  :  It  is  enough  for  a  perfon  to 
appear  in  the  affembly. 

'*  V.  t  very  one  fliall  be  free  to  fit,  walk,  or 
game,  as  hepleafes;  nor  (hall  any  one  go  about 
to  hinder  him,  or  take  exceptions  at  what  he 
does,  upon  pain  of  emptying  the  great  eagle  (a 
pint  bowl  full  of  brandy  :)  It  Ihali  likewife  be 
fufficient,  at  entering,  or  retiring,  to  falutg  the 
company. 

'*VI.  Perfons  of  di{lin6lion,  noblemen,  fu- 
perior  officers,  merchants  *nd  tradefmen  of 
note,  headworkmen,  efpecially  carpenters,  and 
perfons  employed  in  chancery,  are  to  have  lib- 
erty to  enter  the  jvffemblies  ;  as  like^'ife  their 
wives  and  children. 

**VI1.  A  particular  place  fhall  be  afTigned 
the  footmen,  except  thofe  of  the  houfe,  that 
there  may  be  room  enough  in  the  apartment  de- 
figned  for  the  ail'embly. 

**  VIII.  No  ladies  are  to  get  drunk  upon 
any  pretence  whatfoever  ;  nor  fhall  gentlemen 
be  drunk  before  nine. 

''IX.  Ladies  who  play  at  forfeitures,  quef- 
tions  and  commands,  &c.  fhall  not  be  riQtous  : 
No  gentleman  fhall  attempt  to  force  a  kifs  ;  and 
no  perfon  fhall  offer  to  ftrike  a  woman  in  the 
affembly,  under  pain  of  future   exclufion." 

Such  are  the  (latutes  upon  this  occafion, 
which,  in  their  very  appearance,  carry  an  air  of 
ridicule  and  fatire.  But  politenefs  mufl.  enter 
every  country  by  degrees  ;  and  thefc  rules  re- 
femble  the  breedinsr  of  a  clown- — awkward,  but 
fipcere^  ESSAY 


ESSAYS.  159 

ESSAY     XXIIL 

THE  formalities,  delays  and  difappoinN 
ments  that  precede  a  treaty  of  marriage 
here,  are  ufu'ally  as  numerous  as  thofe  previous 
to  a  treaty  of  peace.  The  hiws  of  this  country 
are  finely  calculated  to  promote  all  commerce 
but  the  commerce  between  the  fexc^.  Their  en- 
couragements for  propagating  hemp,  madder 
and  tobacco,  are  indeed  ad-»  irable!  Marriages 
are  the  only  commoditv  that  meets  with  none. 

Yet,  from  the  vernal  foftnefs  of  the  air,  the 
verdure  of  the  fields,  the  tranfparency  of  the 
flrcams.  and  the  beauty  of  the  women,  I  know 
fevv  countries  ^niore  proper  to  invite  to  court- 
fuip.  Here,  Loye  might  fpou  among  painted 
lawns  and  warbling  groves,  and  revel  amidll 
.gales,  wafting^  at  once  both  fragrrance  and  har- 
mony .  Yet  it  feems  he  has  forfaken  the  ifland  ; 
and  when  a  couple  are  now  to  bs  married,  mu- 
tual love,  or  an  union  of  minds,  is  the  laft  and 
moft  trifling  confideration.  If  their  goods  and 
chattels  can  be  brought  to  unite,  their  fympa- 
thetick  fouls  are  ever  ready  to  guarantee  tlie 
treaty.  The  gentleman's  mortgaged  lawn  be- 
comes enamoured  of  the  lady's  marriageable 
grove  :  The  match  is  ft  ruck  up,  and  both  par- 
lies are  pioully  in  love — according  to  a6l  of 
parliament. 

Thus  they,  v»'ho  have  a  fortune,  are  pofTelfcd 
at  leaft  of  lomething  that  is  lovely^  but  I  actu- 
ally pity  thofe  who  have  none.     1  am  told  there 

was 


i6o  E    S     S     A    Y    S. 

was  a  time  when  ladies,  with  no  other  merit  but 
youth,  virtue  and  beauty,  had  a  chance  for 
hufbands,  at  lead  among  the  minifters  of  the 
church,  or  the  ofBcers  of  the  army.  The  blufh 
and  innocence  of  fixtecn  was  faid  to  have  a  pow- 
erful influence  over  thofe  two  prof-eihons.  But 
of  late,  all  the  little  traffick  of  biuihmg,  ogling, 
dumpling  and  fmiling,  has  been  forbidden  by 
un  a6t  in  that  cafe  wifely  made  and  provided. 
A  lady's  whole  cargo  of  fmiles,  fighs  and  whifp- 
€rs,  is  declared  utterly  contraband,  till  fhe  ar- 
rives in  the  warm  latitude  of  twenty  two,  where 
commodities  ofthis  nature  are  too  often  found 
to  decay.  She  is  then  permitted  to  dimple  and 
fmile,  when  the  dimples  and  fmiles  begin  to 
forfake  her  ;  and,  when  perhaps  grown  ugly,  is 
charitably  entruftcd  with  an  unlimited  ufe  of 
her  charms.  Her  lovers,  howevf.r,  by  this  time, 
have  forfaken  her  ;  the  captain  has  changed  her 
for  another  miftrefs  :  the  niieft  himfelf  leaves 
her  in  folitude  to  bewail  her  virdnitv,  and  flic 
dies  even  without  benefit  of  clergy. 

Thus  you  find  the  Europeans  difcouraging 
love  with  as  much  earneftnefs  as  the  radeli  fav- 
age  of  Sofa  la.  The  genius  is  furely  now  no 
more.  In  every  region  I  find  enemies  in  arms 
to  opprefs  him.  Avarice  in  Europe,  jealoufy 
in  Perfia,  ceremony  in  China,  poverty  among 
the  Tartars,  and  lufl;  in  Circaffia,  are  all  pre- 
pared to  oppofe  his  power.  The  genius  is  cer- 
tainly banifhed  from  earth,  though  once  adored 
under  fuch  a  variety  of  forms.  He  is  no  where 
to  be  found  :  And  all  that  tha  ladies  of  each 

country 


ESSAYS.  161 

countiy  can  produce,    are  but  a  few  trifling  re^ 
lioues  as  inftances  oi:  his   former  reGdence  anc 


1 
favor. 


*'  The  genius  of  love, "  fays  the  eaftern  apo- 
logue, ''  had  long  refided  in  the  happy  plains 
of  Abra,  vv'here  every  breeze  was  health,  and 
every  found  produced  tranquillity.  His  tem- 
ple at  firil  was  crowded  ;  but  every  age  leffon- 
ed  the  number  of  his  votaries,  or  cooled  their 
devotion.  Perceiving  therefore  his  altars  ae 
length  quite  deferted,  he  was  refolved  to  re- 
move to  fome  more  propitious  region ;  and  he 
apprized  the  fair  fex  of  every  country,  where 
he  could  hope  for  a  proper  reception,  to  afferi: 
their  right  to  his  prefence  among  them.  In  re- 
turn to  this  proclamation,  embaffies  were  fent 
from  the  ladies  of  every  part  of  the  world  to 
invite  him,  and  to  difplay  the  fuperiority  of 
their  claims. 

*'  And,  firft,  the  beauties  of  China  appeared. 
No  country  could  compare  with  them  for  mod- 
cfty,  either  of  look,  drefs,  or  behavior  ;  their 
eyes  were  never  lifted  from  the  ground :  Their 
robes,  of  the  moil  beautiful  filk,  hid  their 
hands,  bofom  and  neck,  while  their  faces  only^ 
were  left  uncovered.  They  indulged  no  airs 
that  might  exprefs  loofe  defire,  and  they  feemed 
to  fludy  only  the  graces  of  inanimate  beau» 
ty.  Their  black  teeth  and  plucked  eyebrow $, 
were,  however,  alleged  by  the  , genius  againft- 
them  ;  but  he  (ct  them  entirely  a  fids,  when  h0^ 
came  to  examine  their  little  feet. 

-  The 
Q  a 


i62  ESSAYS. 

*^The  beauties  of  Circaflia  next  made  their 
appearance.  They  advanced,  hand  in  hand, 
iinging  the  moft  immodefl  airs,  and  leading  up  a 
dance  in  the  moft  luxurious  attitudes.  Their 
drefs  was  but  half  a  covering,  the  neck,  the  left 
JDreaft,  and  all  the  limbs  were  expofed  to  view  -, 
which,  after  fome  time,  feemed  rather  to  fatiate 
than  inflame  defire.  The  lily  and  the  rofe  con- 
fended  in  forming  their  complexions;  and  a. 
foft  fleepinefs  of  eye  added  irrefiflible  poig- 
anance  to  their  charms ;  but  their  beauties  were 
obtruded,  not  offered  to  their  admirers  ;  they 
feemed  to  give,  rather  than  receive  courtfhip ; 
and  the  genius  of  love  difmilfed  them  as  un- 
worthy his  regard,  fince  they  exchanged  the 
duties  of  love,  and  made  themfelves  not  to  be 
purfued,  but  the^urfuing  fex. 

"  The  kingdom  of  Cafhrnire  next  produced 
^ts  charming  deputies.  The  happy  region  feem- 
ed peculiarly  fcquellered  b^  naturefor  his  abode. 
Shady  mountains  fenced  it  on  one  fide  from  the 
i'corching  fun  ;  and  fea  born  breezes,  on  the  othr 
cr,  gave  peculiar  luxuriance  to  the  air.  Their 
complexions  were  of  a  bright  yellow,  that  ap- 
peared almoft  tranfparent,  while  the  ciimfon 
iulip  feemed  to  blolTom  on  their  cheeks.  Their 
features  and  limbs  were  delicate  beyond  the 
'Hatuary's  power  to  exprefs ;  and  their  teeth 
whiter  than  their  own  ivory.  He  ivas  almoft 
perfuadedto  refide  among  them,  when  unfortu- 
laately  one  of  the  ladies  tulked  of  appointing  his 
feraglio* 


ESSAYS.  163 

"  In  this  proceffion  the  naked  inhabitants  of 
Southern  America  would  not  be  left  behind : 
Their  charms  were  found  to  furpafs  whatever 
the  warmed  imagination  could  conceive;  and 
ferved  to  ftiew,  that  beauty  could  be  perfc6l, 
even  with  the  Teeming  difadvantage  of  a  brown 
complexion.  But  their  favage  education  ren- 
dered them  utterly  unqualified  to  make  the  prop- 
er ufe  of  their  power  ;  and  they  were  reje^ted^ 
as  being  incapable  of  uniting  mental  with  fen- 
fual  fatisfadion.  In  this  manner  the  deputies 
of  other  kingdoms  had  their  fuits  rejeOied  :  The 
black  beauties  of  Benin,  and  the  tawny  daugh- 
ters of  Borneo  :  The  women  of  Wida  with  fear- 
red  faces,  and  the  hideous  virgins  of  Caffraria  ! 
the  fquab  ladies  of  Lapland,  three  feet  highj 
and  the  giant  fair  ones  of  Patagonia. 

'*  The  beauties  of  Europe  at  laft  appeared  : 
Grace  in  their  lieps,  and  lenfibility  fmiling  in 
every  eye.  It  was  the  univerfai  opinion,  while 
they  were  approaching,  that  they  would  pre- 
vail ;  and  the  genius  feemed  to  lend  them  his 
laioft  favourable  attention.  They  opened  their 
pretenfions  with  theutmoft  modefty;  but  unfor- 
tunately, as  their  orator  proceeded,  fiie  hap- 
pened to  let  fall  the  words,  Houfe  in  town. 
Settlement,  and  Pin  money.  Thefe  feeming- 
}y  harmlefs  terms  had  inliantiy  a  furprihng  ef- 
fe6t  :  The  genius,  with  ungovernable  rage, 
burll  from  amidii:  the  circle;  and,  waving  his 
youlliful  pinions,  left  this  earth,  and  flew  back 
to  thofe  ethereal  manfions  from  whence  he  de- 
fcended, 

-''  The 


i64  E    S    S*  A    Y    S. 

*'  The  whole  affembly  v/5i»  ftruck  with  amaze- 
ment :  They  now  juilly  apprehended  that  female 
power  would  be  no  more,  lince  Love  had  for- 
faken  them.  They  continued  fome  time  thus 
in  a  (late  of  torpid  delpair,  when  it  was  propof- 
cd  by  one  of  the  number,  that,  Cincc  the  real 
genius  of  love  had  left  them,  in  order  to  con- 
tinue their  power,  they  fhouid  fet  up  an  idol  iti 
bis  flead  ;  and  that  the  ladies  of  every  country 
(hould  furnifti  him  vvith  what  each  liked  beft. 
This  propofal  was  inftantiy  relifhed  and  agreed 
to.  An  idol  of  gold  was  formed,  by  uniting 
the  capricious  gifts  of  all  the  alTembly,  though 
no  way  refembJing  the  departed  gjenius.  The 
ladies  of  China  furnifhed  the  monfter  with 
wings ;  thofe  of  Caflimire  furnifhed  him  with 
horns  ;  the  dames  of  Europe  clapped  a  purfe  in 
his  hand;  and  the  virgins  of  Congo  furnifhed 
him  with  a  tail.  Since  that  time,  all  the  vows 
sddreffed  to  Love  are  in  reality  paid  to  the  idol: 
While  as  in  other  falfe  religions,  the  adoration 
feems  moil  fervent,  v^-here  the  heart  is  lead  fin- 
cere.'' 


E  S  S  A  Y     XXIV. 

T^TO  obfervaticn  is  more  common,  and'at  the 
X  S*  ^ime  more    true,    than,     that    one 

]i  '••  vorld  are  ignorant  how  the  other 


be  The  misfortunes  of  the  eieat   are 


he,j  X   .     .    -ngage  our  attention;  are  enlarged 


u  pf.  n 


ESSAYS.  165 

upon  in  tones  of  declamation  :  And  the  world 
is  called  upon  to  gaze  at  the  noble  iufFerers. 
The  great,  under  the  preiFure  of  calamity,  are 
confcious  of  feveral  others  fympathizing  with 
their  did refs ;  and  have,  at  once,  the  comfort 
of  admiration  and  pity. 

There  is  nothing  magnanimous  in  bearing 
misfortunes  wirh  fortitude,  when  the  whole 
world  is  looking  en  :  Men  in  fuch  circumRan- 
ces  will  acl  bravely,  evenfromx  motives  of  vanity* 
But  he  who,  in  the  vale  of  obfcurity,  can  brave 
adverlity ;  who,  without  friends  to  encourage, 
acquaintances  to  pity,  or  even  without  hope  to 
alleviate  his  misfortunes,  can  behave  with  tran- 
quillity and  indifference,  is  truly  great :  Wheth- 
er peafant  or  courtier,  he  deferves  admiration, 
and  fnould  be  held  up  for  our  imitation  and 
refuel. 

While  the  flightefl  inconveniences  of  the 
great  are  magnified  into  calamities;  while  trag- 
edy mouths  out  their  fufFerings  in  all  the  ftrains 
of  eloquence,  the  miferies  of  the  poor  are  en- 
tirely difregarded :  And  yet  fome  of  the  lower 
ranks  of  people  undergo  more  real  hardHiips  in 
one  day,  than  thofe  of  a  more  exalted  flatiou 
fufFer  in  their  whole  lives.  It  is  inconceivable 
what  difRculties  the  meaneil  of  our  comm.on 
failors  and  foldiers  endure  without  m4Jrmuring 
or  regret,  without  paflionately  declaiming  a- 
gainil  Providence,  or  calling  their  fellows  to  be 
gazers  on  their  inrrepidity.  Every  day  is  to 
them  a  day  of  mifery ;  and  yet  they  entertain 
their  hard  fate  without  repining, 

WitU 


i66  ESSAY    S. 

With  what  indignalion  do  I  hear  an  Ovid,  a 
Cicero,  or  a  Rabuting,  complain  of  their  mif- 
fortunes  and  hardlliips,  whofe  hardefl  calamity- 
was  that  of  being  unable  to  vifit  a  certain  fpot 
of  earth,  to  Vvhich  they  had  fool ifhly  j!»ttached  , 
an  idea  of  happinefs  !  Their  diftreifcs  were pleaf-  i 
ures,  compared  to  what  many  of  the  adventur- 
ing poor  every  day  e:idure  without  murmuring. 
They  ate,  drank,  and  flept  ;  they  had  (laves  to 
attend  them,  and  were  fure  of  fubhdence  for 
life;  while  many  of  their  fellow  creatures  are 
obliged  to  wander,  without  a  friend  to  comfort 
or.  a(Iii1:  them,  and  even  without  a  flielter  from 
the  feverity  of  the  feafon. 

I  have  been  led  into  thefe  reflexions  from 
accidenta'ily  meeting,  fome  days  ago,  a  poor 
fellow,  whom  I  knew  when  a  boy,  drelfed  in  a 
faiior's  jacket,  and  begging  at  one  of  the  out- 
lets of  the  town,  with  a  wooden  leg.  I  knew 
him  to  be  honefl  and "  induilrious  when  in 
the  country,  and  was  curious  to  learn  what  had 
reduced  him  to  his  prefcnt  fituation.  Where- 
fore, after  giving  him  what  I  thought  proper, 
I  delired  to  know  the  hillory  of  his  life  and 
misfortunCvS,  and  the  manner  in  which  he  was 
reduced  to  his  prefent  didrefs.  The  difabled 
foldier  (for  fuch  he  was,  though  dreiTed  in  a 
failor's  habit)  fcratching  his  head,  and  leaning^ 
on  his  crutch,  put  himfelf  irjto  an  ariitude  to 
comply  with  my  requelt,  and  gave  me  his.hif- 
tory  as  follow;s. 

*'  As  for  my  misfortunes,  mailer,  I  cannot  pre- 
tend to  have  gone  through  any  more  than  oiher 

folks ; 


ESSAYS-  167 

folks  :  For,  except  the  lofs  of  my  limb,  and  my 
being  obliged  to  beg,  I  do  not  know  any  reafon, 
thank  Heaven,  that  I  have  to  complain  :  There 
is  Bill  Tibbs,  of  our  regiment,  he  has  loft  both 
his  legs,  and  an  eye  to  boot;  but,  thank  Hea- 
ven, it  is  not  fo  bad  with  me  yet. 

*'  I  was  born  in  Shropihire,   my  father  was  a 
labourer,  and  died  when  I  was  fiVQ  years  old; 
fo  I  was  put  upon  the  parifti.     As  he  had  been 
a  wandering  fort  of  a  man,  the  pariftiioners  were 
not  able   to  tell  to  v/hafc  parilh  I  belonged,  or 
where  1  was  born  ;  fo   they  fent  me  to  another 
parifh,  and  that  parifii  fent   me   to  a  third.     I 
thought  in    my  heart,   they  kept   fending    me 
about  fo  long,  that   they   would  not  let  me  be 
born  in  any  parifh  at  all;  but,  at  laft,  however, 
they   fixed  me.     I  had  fome  difpofition  to  be 
a  fcholar,  and  was  refolved,  at  leaft,  to  know  my 
letters  ;  but  the  mafler  of  the  workhoufe  put 
me   to  buhnefs  as  foon   as  I  was  able  to  han- 
dle a  mallet  ;  and  here  I   lived  an  eafy  kind 
of  a  life  for  five  years.    I  only  wrought  ten  hours 
in  the  d?.y,  and  had  meat  and  drink  provided 
for  m.y  labour.     It  is  true,  I  was  not  fuffered  to 
llir  out  of  the  hou fc,  for  fear,  as  they  faid,  I 
fhould  run  away.     But  what  of  that  ?  1  had  the 
liberty  of  the  whole  houfe,  and  the  yard  before 
the  door,  and  that  was  enough  for  me.     1  was 
then   bound  out  to  a  farmer,  where  I  was  up 
both  early  and  late ;  but  I  ate  and   drank  well, 
and  liked  my  bufinefs  well  enough,  till  he  died, 
Vv'hen  I  was  obliged  to  provide  for  myfelf :  Sol 
was  rsfolved  to  go  and  feek  my  fortune. 

**  In 


i68  ESSAYS. 

**  In  this  manner  I  went  from  town  to  town, 
worked  when  I  could  get  employment,  and  ftarv- 
ed  when  1  could  get  none  :  When  happening 
one  day  to  go  through  a  field  belonging  to  a 
juftice  of  peace,  I  fpied  a  hare  croffing  the  path 
juft  before  me  ;  and  I  believe  the  devil  put  it 
into  my  head  to  fling  my  flick  at  it.  Well,  What 
will  you  have  on*t  ?  I  killed  the  hare,  and  was 
bringing  it  away  in  triumph,  when  the  juflice 
himfelf  met  me  :  He  called  me  a  poacher  and  a 
villain,  and,  collaring  me,  defired  I  would  giv« 
an  account  of  myfelf.  I  fell  upon  my  knees, 
begged  his  Worfhip's  pardon,  and  began  to 
give  a  full  account  of  all  that  I  knew  of  my 
breed,  feed  and  generation  :  But,  though  I  gave 
a  very  good  account,  the  juftice  would  not  be- 
lieve a  fyllable  I  had  to  fay  ;  fo  I  was  indicled 
at  the  fefhons,  found  guilty  of  being  poor,  and 
fent  up  to  London  to  Newgate,  in  order  to  be 
tranfported  as  a  vagabond. 

'^  People  may  fay  this  and  that  of  being  in 
jail  ;  but,  for  my  part,  I  found  Newgate  as  a- 
greeable  a  place  as  ever  I  was  in,  in  all  my  life. 
I  had  my  bellyful  to  eat  and  drink,  and  did  no 
work  at  all.  This  kind  of  life  was  too  good  to 
laft  for  ever  ;  fo  I  was  taken  out  of  prifon  after 
five  months,  put  on  board  a  fhip,  and  fent  oIF, 
with  two  hundred  more,  to  the  plantations.  We 
had  but  an  indifferent  paffage  ;  for,  being  all 
confined  in  the  hold,  more  than  a  hundred  of 
our  people  died  for  want  of  fweetair  ;  and  thofe 
that  remained  we/e  fickly  enough,  God  knows. 
When  we  came  on  fhore,  v/e  were  fold  to  the 

planters. 


E     S     S     A     Y     S.  169 

planters,  and  I  was  bound  forfeven  years  more. 
As  I  was  no  fcholar,  for  I  did  not  know  my  let- 
ters, I  was  obliged  to  work  among  tht  negroes  ; 
and  I  ferved  out  my  time,  as  in  duty  bound  to 
do. 

''  When  my  time  was  expired,  I  worked  my 
pjifTage  home,   and   glad  I  was  to  fee  Old  Eng- 
land again,  becaufe  I  loved  my  country.     I  was 
afraid,  however,  that  I  fhould  be  indicted  for  a 
vagabond  once  more  ;  fo  did  not  much  care  to 
go  down  into  the  country,    but  kept  about  the 
town,  and  did  little  jobs  when  I  could  get  them. 
**'  I  was  very  happy  in  this  manner  for  fome 
time,  till  one  evening,  coming  home  from  v/ork, 
two  men  knocked   me   down,    and  then  defired 
me  to  (land.     They    belonged  to  a  prefs  gang  t 
I  was  carried  before  the  juftice,  and,  as  I  could 
give  no   account   of  myfelf,    I  had  my   choice 
left,  whether  to  go  on  board  a  man  of  war,   or 
lift  for  a  foldier.      I   chofe  the  latter  ;  and,   ui 
this  poft  of  a  gentleman,  I  ferved  two  campaigns 
in  Flanders,  v\^as  af  the  battles  of  Val  and  Fon- 
tenoy.  and  received  but  one  wound  .through  the 
bread    here  ;  but    the  do6lor  of  our  reg-imen:: 
loon  made  me  well  again. 

"  When  the  peace  came  on,  I  was  difcharg- 
ed  ;  and,  as  I  could  not  work,  becaufe  my 
wound  was  fometimes  troublefome,  I  lifted  for 
a  landman  in  the  Eaftindia  company's  fervice* 
I  have  fought  the  French  in  three  pitched  baft- 
ties  ;  and  I  verily  believe,  that  if  I  could  read  or 
write,  our  captain  would  have  made  me  a  cor- 
poral. But  it  was  not  my  good  fortune  to  have 
P  any 


170  ESSAY    S. 

any  promotion,  for  I  foon  fell  fick,  and  fo  got 
leave  to  return  home  again  with  forty  pounds 
in  my  pocket.  This  was  at  the  beginning  of 
the  prefent  war,  and  I  hoped  to  be  fet  on  fhote, 
and  to  have  the  pleafure  of  fpendingmy  money  ; 
but  the  government  wanted  men,  and  fo  I  was 
prcffed  ioY  a  iailor  before  ever  I  conld  fet  foot 
on  fhore.  ^ 

•'  The  boatfwain  found  me,  as  hefaid,  an  ob- 
*linatc  fellow  :  He  fwore  he  knew  that  I  under- 
flood  my  bufinefs  well,  but  that  I  fliammed 
Abraham,  merely  to  be  idle  ;  but  God  knows, 
y  knew  nothing  of  fea  bufmefs,  and  he  beat 
me  without  confidering  what  he  was  about. 
I  had  flill,  however,  my  forty  pounds,  and 
that  was  fome  comfort  to  me  under  every  beat- 
ing ;  and  the  maOney  I  might  have  had  to  this 
day,  but  that  our  {hip  was  taken  by  the  French, 
...nd  fo  I  loft  all. 

^'  Our  crew  was  carried  into  Breft,  and  many 
of  them  died,  becaufe  they  were  notufed  to  live 
in  a  jail  :  But,  for  my  part,  it  was   nothing  to 
nie,  for  I   was  feafoned.     One  night,  as  I  was 
ilecpingon  thcbedof  boards,  with  a  warm  blank- 
et about  me,  for  I  always  loved  to  lie  well,  I  was 
awakened   by  the   boatfwain,    who  had  a  dark 
lantern  in  his  hand  ;   *'  Jack,"   fays  he   to  me, 
*'  Will     you    knock    out    the,  French    fcntry's 
brains  ?"   *'  I   don't    care,''   fays   I,    ftriving  to 
keep  my felf  awake,  "if  I  lend  a  hand."     *'  Then 
follow  me,"  fays  he,   '^  and  I    hope  we  fhall  do 
bufinefs."     So  up   I  got,  and  tied  my  blanket, 
which  was  all  the  clothes  I  had,  abowt  my  mid- 


essays:  171 

die,  and  went  with  him  to  fight  the  Frenchmen. 
I  hate  the  French  becaure  they  are  flaves,  and 
wear  wooden  fhoes. 

'*  Though  we  had  no  arms,  one  Englifhman 
is  able  to  beat  five  French  at  any  time  ;  To  wg 
went  down  to  the  door,  wh^re  both  the  fentries 
were  pofted,  and,  rufhing  upon  them,  feized 
their  arms  in  a  moment,  and  knocked  them 
down.  From  whence,  nine  of  us  ran  together 
to  the  quay,  and  feizing  the  firft  boat  we  met, 
got  out  of  the  harbour,  and  put  to  fea-.  We  had 
not  been  here  three  days  before  we  were  taken 
np  by  the  Dorfet  privateer,  who  were  glad  oc 
fo  many  good  hands,  and  we  cosfented  to  run 
cur  chance.  However,  we  had  not  fo  much 
luck  as  we  expe6i;ed.  In  three  days  we  fell 
in  with  the  Pompado6r  privateer,  of  forty 
guns,  while  we  had  but  twenty  three  ;  fo  to  it 
we  v/ent,  yard  arm  and  yard  arm.  The  fight 
lafled  for  three  hours,  and  I  verily  believe  we 
(hould  have  fraken  the  Frenchman,  had  we  but 
had  fome  more  men  left  behind  ;  but  unfortu- 
nately, we  loft  all  our  men  juft  as  we  wexQ  go- 
ing to  get  the  viftory. 

''  I  was  once  more  in  the  power  of  the  French, 
and  I  believe  it  would  have  gone  hard  with  me, 
had  1  been  brought  back  to  Breft  :  But  by  good 
fortune  we  were  retaken  by  the  Viper.  I  had 
almoft  forgot  to  tell  you,  that,  in  that  engage- 
ment, I  was  wounded  in  two  places  ;  1  loil  four 
fingers  of  the  left  hand,  and  my  leg  was  fhot 
off.  If  I  had  had  the  good  fortune  to  have  loll 
my  leg  and  ufe  of  my  hand  on  board  a  king  5 

fhip^ 


^^ 


J72  ESSAYS. 

fhip,  and  not  a  board  a  privateer,  I  fliould  have 
been  entitled  to  clothing  and  maintainance  dur- 
ing the  reft  of  my  life.  But  that  was  not  my 
chance  :  One  man  is  born  with  a  filver  fpoon  in 
his  mouth,  and  another  with  a  wooden  ladle. 
However,  bleifed  be  God,  I  enjoy  good  health, 
And  will  forever  love  liberty  and  Old  England. 
Liberty,  Property,  and  Old  England,  for  ever, 
huzza  I" 

Thus  faying,  he  limped  off,  leaving  me  in 
admiration  at  his  intrepidity  and  content;  nor 
could  I  avoid  acknowledging,  that  an  habitual 
.^cquaintaace  with  mifery,  ferves  better  than 
philofophy  to  teach  us    to  difpife  it, 

ESSAY     XXV. 

•;UrPOSED   TO   BE     WRITTEN      BY     THE    ORDINARY 

OF    NEWQATE. 

X/fAN  IS  a  moft  frail  being,  incapable  of 
"^        dire6ling  his     fteps,     unacquainted    with 

s'hat  is  to  happen  in  this  life;  and  perhaps  no 
:nan  is  a  more  manifeii:  inOance  of  the  truth  of 
:his  maxinr,  than  Mr.  The.  Gibber,  juft  now 
gone  out  of  the  world.  Such  a  variety  of  turns 
of  fortune,  yet  fuch  a  perfevering  uniformity  of 
condu6l,  appears  in  all  that  happened  in  his 
ihort  fpan,  that  the  whole  may  be  looked  upon 
aij  one  regular  confufion  :  Every  action  of  his 
life  was  matter  of  wonder  and  furprife,  and  his 
death  was  an  aftoniQiment. 

This  gentleman  was  born  of  creditable  par- 
ents, who  gave  him  a  very  good  education,  and 

a 


ESSAYS. 


a  great   deal  of  good  learning,  fo  that  he  could 
read  and  write  before  he  was  lixteen.    However,  ,; 
he    early   difcovered  an   inclination  to    follow  \ 
lewd  courfes :     He  refufed  to  take  the  advice  of  ' 
his  parents,  and  purfued  the, bent  of  his  inclina-  • 
tion  :     He  played   at  cards  on  fundays ;  called 
himfelf  a   gentleman;    fell  out  with  his  mother  j 
and   laundrefs  ;     and,    even  in  thofe  early  days, 
his  father  was  frequently  heard  to  obferve,  that 
young  The. — Would  be  hanged. 

iVs  he  advanced  in  years,  he  grew  more  fond 
of  plealure;  would  eat  an  ortolan  for  dinner, 
though  he  begged  the  guinea  that  bought  it ; 
and  was  once  known  to  give  three  pounds  for  a 
plate  of  green  peas,  which  he  had  collected 
over  nioht  as  charity  for  a  friend  in  diftrefs : 
He  ran  into  debt  with  every  body  that  would 
trufl  him,  and  none  could  build  a  fconce  bet- 
ter than  he  ;  fo,  that  at  la  ft,  his  creditors  fwore 
with  one  accord,  that  The. — Would  be  hanged. 

But,  as  getting  into  debt  by  a  man  who  had 
no  vifible  means  but  impudence  foriubfiftance, 
is  a  thing  that  every  reader  is  not  acquainted 
with,  I  mull  explain  this  point  a  little  to  his 
fatisfadion. 

There  are  three  ways  of  gc^-ting  into  debt ; 
iirft,  hy  pufhing  a  face;  as  thus.  *"  You,  Mr. 
Luteilring,  fend  me  home  hx  yards  of  that  pa- 
duafoy..  dammee  ;  but,  hcarkee,  don't  think  I 
ever  intend  to  pay  you  for  it,  dammee,'!  At 
this,  the  mercer  laughs  heartily;  cuts  off  the 
paduafoy,  and  fends  it  home;  nor  is  he,  till 
too  late,  furprifed  to  find  the  gentleman  had  Hiid 
nothing  but  truth^  and  kept  his  v/ord. 

P  2  The 


174  ESSAYS. 

The  fecond  method  of  running  irfto  debt  is 
called  fineering;  which  is,  getting  goods  made 
tip  in  fuch  a  fafhion  as  to  be  unfit  for  every 
other  purchafer;  and,  if  the  tradefman  refufes 
to  give  them  upon  credit,  then  threaten  to  leave 
them  upon  his  hands. 

But  the  third  and  befl  method  is  called, 
'*  Being  the  good  cuftomer."  The  gentleman 
firll  buys  fome  trifle,  and  pays  for  it  in  ready 
money.  •  He  comes  a  few^  days  after  with  noth- 
ing about  him  but  bankbills,  and  buys,  we  will 
fuppofe,  a  fixpenny  tweezer  cafe  :  The  bills  are 
too  great  to  be  changed,  fo  he  promifes  tore- 
turn  punQually  the  day  after,  and  pay  for  what 
he  has  bought.  In  this  promife  he  is  pundual ; 
•and  this  is  repeated  for  eight  or  ten  times,  till 
his  face  is  well  known,  and  he  has  got,  at  laR, 
the  chara61cr  of  a  good  cuftomer.  By  this 
means,  he  gets  credit  for  fomething  confidera- 
ble,  and  then  never  pays  for  it. 

In  all  this,  the  young  man  who  is  the  unhap- 
py fubjedl  of  our  prefent  refle^iious,  was  very 
'■  expert;  and  could  face,  fineer,  and  bring  cuf- 
tom  to  a  fhop  with  any  man  in  England.  Ngne 
of  his  companions  could  cxcead  him  in  this ; 
and  his  very  companions  atlaft  faid,  that  The. 
— Would  be  hanged. 

As  he  grew  old,  he  grew  never  the  better^ 
ile  loved  ortolans  and  green  peas,  as  before : 
He  drank  gravy  foup  when  he  could  get  it,  and 
always  thought  his  oyfters  tafted  bell  when  he 
got  them  for  nothing;  or,  which  was  jufl  the 
fame^  when  h"C  bought  them  upon  tick.     Thus, 

the 


ESSAY     S.  175 

the  old  man  kept  up  the  vices  of  the  youth,  and 
what  he  wanted  in  power,  he  made  up  by  in- 
clination ;  fo  that  aii  the  world  thought  old 
The. —Would  be  hanged. 

And  now,  reader,  I  have  brought  him  to  his 
iafl;  fcene ;  a  fcene  where,  perhaps,  my  duty 
fhould  have  obliged  me  to  afhft,  You  exped, 
perhaps,  his  dying  words,  and  the  tender  fare- 
wel  he  took  of  his  wife  and  children  :  You  ex- 
pe6l;  an  account  of  his  coffin  and  white  p^loves, 
his  pious  ejaculation,  and  the  papers  he  left 
behind  him.  In  this  I  cannot  indulge  your  cu- 
riofity;  for,  oh  I  the  mifteries  of  fate/TnE. — 
Was  drowned, 

**  Reader''  as  Hervey  faith,  '*'  paufe  and  pon- 
der; and  ponder  and  paufe  ;  who  knows  what 
thy  own  end  niay  be  ?" 


ESSAY     XXVI, 

HPHERE  are  few  fubjeds  which  have  beesi 
more  written  upon,  and  lefs  underftood, 
than  that  of  friendfhip.  To  follow  the  dilates  of 
fome,  this  virtue,  inftead  of  being  the  alTuager  of 
pain  becomes  the  fourceof  every  inconvenience 
Such  fpeculatifls,  by  expe6ting  too  much  from 
friendfhip,  diffolve  the  connection,  and,  by 
drawing  the  bands  too  clofely^  at  length  break 
them.  Almollall  our  romance  and  novel  writ- 
ers are  of  this  kind  :  They  perfuade  us  to  friend- 
fhips,  which  we  find  it  impoffible  to  fuftain  to 
the   lad  ;    fo  that  this    fweetener  of  life,  under 

proper 


176  ESSAY     S. 

proper  regulations,  is,  by  their  means,  rendered 
inacceflible  or  uneafy.  It  is  certain  the  bed 
rnethod  to  cultivate  this  virtue,  is  by  letting  it, 
in  fome  njcafure,  raake  itfelf:  A  fimilitudc  of 
minds  or  ftudies,  and  even  fometimes  a  diver  fi- 
ty  of  purfuits,  will  produce  all  the  plealures 
that  arife  from  it.  The  current  of  tendernefs 
widens  as  it  proceeds ;  and  two  men  impercept- 
ibly find  their  hearts  filled  with  good  nature 
for  each  other,  when  they  were  at  firll  only  in 
purfuit  of  mirth  or  relaxation.  ^ 

Friendfliip  is  like  a  debt  of  honor  ;  the  mo- 
ment it  is  talked  of.  it  lofcs  its  real  name,  and 
allumes  the  more  ungrateful  form  of  obligation. 
From  hence  we  find,  that  thofe  who  regularly 
undertake  to  cultivate  friendfhip,  find  ingrati- 
tude generally  repays  their  endeavors.  That 
circle  of  beings,  which  dependance  gathers 
round  us,  is  almofl  ever  unfriendly  :  They  fe- 
cretly  wilh  the  terms  of  their  connections  more 
nearly  equal  :  And,  where  they  even  have  the 
mofl  virtue,  are  prepared  to  referve  all  their  af- 
fections for  their  patron,  only  in  the  hour  of 
his  decline.  Increafing  the  obligations  which 
are  laid  upon  fuch  mindvS,only  increafes  their 
burden  :  They  feel  themfelves  unable  to  repay 
the  immenfity  of  their  debt,  and  their  bankrupt 
hearts  are  taught  a  latent  refentmentat  the  hand 
that  is  ftretched  out  with  offers  of  fervice  and 
relief. 

Plautinus  was  it  man  who  thought  that  every 

good  was  to  be  brought  from  riches  ;  and.  as  he 

%as-.poirefred   of  great  wealth,  and  had  a  mmd 

naturally 


ESSAYS.  177 

naturally  formed  for  virtue,  herefolved  to  gath- 
er a  circle  of  the  beft  men  round  him.  Among 
the  number  of  his  dependents  was  Mufidorus. 
with  a  mind  juft  as  fond  of  virtue,  yet  not  lefs 
proud  than  his  patron.  His  circumftances, 
ifiowever,  were  fuch  as  forced  him  to  ftoop  to  the 
good  offices  of  his  fuperior  ;  andhefaw  himfelf 
daily,  among  a  number  of  others,  loaded  with 
benefits  and  proteftations  of  friendfhip,.  Thefe, 
in  the  ufual  couife  of  the  world,  he  thought  it 
"prudent  to  accent :  But,  while  he  sjave  his 
efleem,  he  could  not  give  his  heart.  A  want  of 
afFe6lion  breaks  out  in  the  motl  trifling  inftances ; 
and  Plautinus  h.id  fkill  enough  to  obferve  the 
minuteil  adions  of  the  man  he  wiihed  to  make 
his  friend.  In  thefe  he  even  found  his  aim 
difappointed  :  Muiidorus  claimed  an  exchange 
of  hearts  ;  which  Plautinus  folicited  by  a  va- 
riety of  claims,  could  never  think  of  bellowing. 
It  may  be  eafily  fuppofed,  that  the  referve^.of 
ourpoqr  proud  man  was  foon  conftrued  into 
ingratitude;  and  fuch  indeed  in  the  common 
acceptation  of  the  world  it  was.  Wherever 
Mufidorus  appeared,  he  was  remarked  as  the 
ungrateful  man  :  He  bad  excepted  favors,  it  was 
faid,  and  Hill  had  the  infolence  to  pretend  to 
independence.  The  event,  however,  juftified 
his  condu6l.  Plautinus,  by  mifplaced  liberali- 
ty, at  length  became  poor  ;  and  it  was  then  that 
Mufidorus  firft  thought  of  making  a  friend  of 
him.  He  flew  to  the  man  of  fallen  fortune, 
with  an  offer  of  all  he  had  ;  wrought  under  his 
dire6lion  with  alfiduity;   and,  by  uniting  their 

talents^ 


17^  ESSAYS. 

talents,  both  were  at  lenglh  placed  in  that  flate 
of  lil^  from  which  one  of  them  had  formerly 
fallen. 

To  this  ftory  ,  taken  from  modern  life,  I  fhall 
add  one  more,  taken  from  a  Greek  writer  of  an- 
tiquity.— Two  Jewifh  foldiers,  in  the  time  of 
Vefpafian,  had  m.ade  many  champaigns  togethw 
er;  and  a  participation  pf  danger  at  length  bred 
an  union  of  hearts.  They  were  remarked 
throughout  the  whole  army,  as  the  two  friendly- 
"brothers  ;  they  felt  and  fought  for  each  other. 
Their  friendflriip  niight  have  continued  without 
Jnterruption  till  death,  had  not  the  good  for- 
tune of  the  one  alarmed  the  pride  of  the  other, 
w.hich  was  in  his  promotion  to  be  a  Centurion 
under  the  famous  John,  who  headed  a  par- 
ticular part  of  the  |#wifh  malecontents. 

From  this  moment  their  former  love  wascon»^ 
verted  into  the  moft  inveterate  enmity.  They 
attached  themfelves  to  oppofite  factions,  and 
fought  each  olher*s  lives  in  the  conflict  of  ad- 
verfe  party.  In  this  manner  they  continued  for 
more  than  two  years,  vowing  mutual  revenge, 
and  animated  with  an  unconquerable  fpirit  of 
averfion.  At  length,  however,  that  party  of  the 
Jews  to  which  the  mean  foldier  belonged,  join- 
ing with  the  Romans,  it  became  viftorious,  and 
drove  John,  with  all  his  adherents,  into  the 
temple.  Hiftory  has  given  us  more  than  one 
picture  of  the  dreadfial  conflagration  of  that  fu- 
perb  edifice.  The  Roman  foldiers  were  gather- 
ed rou»d  it:  The  whole  temple  was  in  flames, and 
thoufands  were  feen  amidfl  them,  within  its  fa- 

cred 


E     S     S     A 


i79 


cred  circuit.  It  was  in  this  Gtuation  of  things, 
that  the  now  fuccefisfui  foidiet"  fav/  his  former 
friend  upon  the  battlements  of  the  highefl  tow- 
er, looking  round  with  horror,  and  jult  ready  to 
be  confumed  with  flames.  All  his  former  ten- 
dernefs  now  returned  :  He  faw  the  man  of  his 
bofom  jull  going  to  periili  :  and,  unable  to 
withftand  the  impulfe,  he  rrai  fpreading  his 
arms,  and  cried  out  to  his  friend  to  leap  down 
from  the  top,  and  find  fafety  with  htm.  The 
'Centurion  frcm  above  heard  and  obeyed  ;  and, 
cafling  himfelf  from  the  top  of  the  tower  into 
his  fellow  foldier's  arms,  both  fell  a  facrihce  oa 
the  fpot ;  one  being  cruflied  to  death  by  this 
;  'eight  of  his  corwnanicn,  and  the  other  dafted 
to  pieces  by  the  greatnefs  of  his  fall. 


«««weBfl9S£Z8SK'>S?K1Sl££OSESSSBaa»v.>>«< 


ESSAY     XXVII. 

T300KS,  vvhile  they  teach  us  to  refpe6l  the 
interefls  of  others,  often  make  us  vmmind- 
ful  of  our  own  :  While  they  inllru6l  the  youth- 
ful reader  (o  grafp  at  focial  happinefs,  h^^  grows 
ipiferable  in  detail  ;  and,  attentive  to  univerfal 
harmony,  often  forgets  that  he  himfelf  has  a 
part  to  fuftain  in  the  concert.  I  dilhke  there- 
fore the  philofopher  who  difcrihes  the  inconve- 
niences of  life  in  fuch  pleaGng;  colours,  that  the 
pupil  grcws  enamoured  of  d.llrci's,  longs  to  try 
the  charms  of  poverty,  meets  it  without  dread, 
nor  fears  its  inconvcnier.ces  till  he  fcverely 
f^cls  them.  A 


i8o  ESS     A    Y    S. 

A  youth  who  has  thus  fpent  his  life  among 
books  new  to  the  world,  and  unacquainted 
with  man  but  by  philofophic  information,  may 
be  confidered  as  a  being  whofe  mind  is  filled 
with  ihe  vulgar  errors  of  the  wife;  utterly  un- 
qualified for  a  journey  through  life,  yet,  confi- 
dent of  his  own  (kill  in  the  dire6tion,  he  fets  out 
with  confidence,  blunders  on  with  vanity,  and 
finds  himfelf  at  lafl  undone. 

He    firft    has    learned  from  books,  and  then 
lays    it  down  as  a  maxim,  that  all  mankind  are 
virtuous    or  vicious  in  excefs ;  and  he   has  been 
long    taught   to   deteft    vice,    and   love    virtue. 
Warm  therefore  in  attachments,  and  fledfaft  in 
enmity,  he  treats  every  creature  as  friend  or  foe  ;  ^ 
expetts,    from  thofe  he  loves,  unerring  integri- 
ty, and   configns  his  enemies  to  the  reproach  of 
wanting   every    virtue.     On   this    principle  he 
proceeds  ;   and  here  begin  his  difappoinrments. 
Upon    a    clofer  infpe8,ion  of  human  nature,  he 
perceives    that    he    fhould    have  moderated  his 
friendfhip,    and   foftened  his    feverity ;   for  he 
often  finds  the  excellencies  of  one  part  of  man- 
kind  clouded   with  vice,  and  the  faults   of  the 
other  brightened  with  virtue  :   He  finds  no  char- 
acter   fo  fHn6i:ified    that    has    not  its   faiHngs  ; 
none   fo  infamous,  but  has  fomewhat  to   attra6t 
our    efteem  :   He  beholds  impiety  in  lawn,  a»d 
fidelity  in  fetters. 

He  now,  therefore,  but  too  late,  perceives 
that  his  regards  fhould  have  been  more  cool, 
and  his  hatred  lefs  violent;  that  the  truely  wife 
feldom  court  romantic  friendfnip  with  the  good, 

and 


ESSAYS.  i8i 

iind  avoid,  if  poflible,  the  refentment  even  of 
the  wicked  :  Every  moment  gives  him  frefli 
inftances  that  the  bonds  of  friendfhip  are  brok* 
en  if  drawn  too  clofely,  and  that  thofe  whom 
he  has  treated  with  difrefpe^l,  more  than  retal- 
iate theinjury  :  At  length  therefore  he  is  oblig- 
ed to  confefs,  that  he  has  declared  war  upon 
the  vicious  half  of  mankind,  without  being  able 
to  form  an  alliance  among  the  virtuous  to  ef- 
poufehis  quarrel. 

Our  book  taught  philofopher,  however,  is 
now  too  far  advanced  to  recede;  and,  though 
poverty  be  thejuft  confequence  of  the  many- 
enemies  his  condu6l  has  created,  yet  he  is  refolv- 
ed  to  meet  it  without  Ihrinking.  Philofo- 
phers  have  defcribed  poverty  in  mod  charming 
colours  ;  and  even  his  vanity  is  touched,  ia 
thinking  he  ftiall  {how  the  world,  in  himfelf, 
one  more  example  of  patience,  fortitude  and 
refignation.  "  Come,  then,  O  Poverty  !  f©r 
"  what  is  there  in  thee  dreadful  to  the  w4fe  ! 
*'  Temperance,  health  and  frugality,  walk  in 
'*  thy  train ;  cheerfulnefs  and  liberty  are  ever 
*'  thy  companions.  Shall  any  be  afhamed  of 
*'  thee,  of  whom  Ciiicinnatus  vv^as  not  alhamed? 
^'  The  running  brook,  the  herbs  of  the  field, 
**  can  amply  fatisfy  Nature:  Man  wants  butlit- 
"  tie,  nor  that  little  long.  Come  then,  O  Pov- 
"€rty!  while  kings  (land  by  and  gaze  with 
**  admiration  at  the  true  philofopher's  refigna* 
/^tion/'  * 

The  goddefs  appears ;  for  Poverty  ever 
comes  at   thy  call.     But,  alas!  he  finds  her  by^ 

.      2  M 


x8*  ESSAY    S. 

no  means  the  charming  figure  books  and  his 
own  imagination  had  painted.  As  when  an 
eaftern  bride  v/hom  her  friends  and  relations 
had  long  defcribed  as  a  model  of  perfe6lion, 
pays  her  firll  vifit,  the  longing  bridegroom 
lifts  the  veil  to  fee  a  face  he  had  never  feen  be- 
fore, but  inflead  of  a  countenance  blazing  with 
beauty  like  the  fun,  he  beholds  deformity  fhoot- 
ing  icicles  to  his, heart  :  Such  appears  Poverty 
to  her  new  entertainer  ;  all  the  fabrick  of  en- 
thufiafm  is  at  once  demoliflied,  and  a  thoufand 
miferies  rife  upon  its  ruins;  while  Contempt, 
with  pointing  finger,  is  foremofl  in  the  hide- 
ous procefiion. 

The  poor  man  now  finds  that  he  can  get  no 
kings  to  look  at  him  while  he  is  eating :  He  finds, 
that  in  proportion  as  he  grows  poor,  the  world 
turns  its  back  upon  him,  and  gives  him  Jeave 
to  a6l  the  philofopher  in  all  the  majelly  or  foli- 
tude.  It  might  be  agreeable  enough  to  play 
the  philofopher,  while  we  are  confcious  that 
mankind  are  fpe6lators.  But  what  fignifies 
wearing  the  mafk  of  fturdy  contentment,  and 
mounting  the  ft  age  of  reflraint,  when  not  one 
creature  will  alTift  at  the  exhibition  ?  Thus  is 
he  forfaken  of  men,  while  his  fortitude  want* 
the  fatisfa6iion  even  of  felfapplaufe  :  For,  either 
he  does  not  feel  his  prefent  calamities,  and  that 
is  natural  infenfibility ;  or  he  difguifcs  his  feel- 
ings, and  that  is  diflimulation. 

Spleen  no^  begins  to  take  up  the  man  :  Not 
diftinguiihing  in  his  refentment,  he  regards  all 
s:!ankind  vrith  d^rcftation  ;    and;  commencing 

nianhater 


ESSAYS. 


183 


manhater,    feeks  foiitude,     to  be  at  liberty  to 
rail. 

It  has  been  faid,  that  he  who  retires  to  foii- 
tude, is  either  a  bead  or  an  angel.  The  cen- 
fure  is  too  fevere  and  the  praife  unmerited. 
The  difcontented  being  who  retires  from  fo- 
ciety.  is  generally  fome  good  naturedman,  who 
has  begun  life  without  experience,  and  knew 
not  how  to  eain  it  in  his  intevcourfc  with  man- 
kind. 


END    OF    THE    P.SSAYS* 


5*^^-^<^^><a-S<-^«-c 


ETICAL     PIECES, 


CONSISTING    OF 


TriE  TRAVETXER, 

TMF.  DtSKRTt.D  VILLAGE, 

LDWiN  AND  ANGLLINA. 


RETALIATION, 

AN  i) 
OTHER  POEMS. 


♦»-^=^>®  ^^^^^^-^^j^^e" «  w  «!*■  w» 


THE 


TRAVELLER: 

O  E,  A 

PROSPECT    OF    SOCIETY. 


189 


T  O     T  H  E 


Rev.    henry    GOLDSMITH. 


3SEAR  Sir, 

1  AMJenJlhle  that  tie  friend/Ij'p  beiiueen  us  can  acquire 
f:o  neio  force  from  the  ceremonies  of  a  Dedication  ;  andy  per^ 
haps,  it  demands  an  excufe,  thus  to  prefix  your  name  to  my  atifmptSy 
■  lohich  you  decline  gi'ving  ijoitb  your  oijon.  But  as  a  part  of  this  po- 
em 'U.as  formerlj  fwtitten  iojoufrom  Sivitzerland,  the  nvhole  can 
'tjoiv  'Lvith  propriety  J  be  onlj  infcribed  to  you.  It  'will  alfo  thro-bu  a 
iightupon  many  parts  of  it,  iJben  the  reader  under jiandsy  that  it  is 
addrejfed  to  a  man,  luho^  defpi/ing  fame  and  fortune,  has  retired 
early  to  happinefs  and  obfcurity^  tvifh  an  income  cf  forty  pounds  a 
year, 

I KOIV  perceii'e,  my  dear  brother^  the  ijofdcm  cf  your  httmble 
choice.  You  ha<ve  entered  upon  a  f acred  ojice,  ivhere  the  barvejl  is 
great,  and  the  laborers  are  but  fe-ix)  ;  'vohile  you  haue  left  t be  field  of 
ambition,  <kihere  the  laborers  are  many,  and  the  kar*vefi  not  njoorth 
carrying  aix'ay.  But  of  all  kinds  cf  ambition,  as  things  are  wctt'  cir~ 
cunifianced,  perhaps  that  ichich  purfues  poetical  fame  is  the  loildefi. 
What  from  the  increafed  refinement  cf  the  times,  from  the  di'verfity  of 
judgments  produced  i>y  cppafing  fyfiems  ofcriticifm,  and  from  the  more 
fre'valentdi'verfions  of  opinion  influenced  by  party,  the  firongefi  and 
happieft  efforts  can  cxl^efi  to  pleafe  but  in  n  njery  narrozv  circle. 

Poetry  makes  a  princif  al  amufement  among  unpolij%ed  nations  \  but 
hi  a  country  ^verging  to  the  extremes  of  refinement,  Paintiag  and  Mu- 
fick  come  in  for  afbare.  And  as  they  offer  the  feeble  mind  a  Icfs  la. 
iorious  entertainment,  they  c.t  firjl  ri'\>al  poetry,  and  at  length  fuppl ant 
her  ;  they  engrofs  allfaz>or  to  themfel-ves,  and  though  but  younger  fif. 
ters,feize  upon  the  elder' s  birthright. 

Yet,  ho'wenjer  this  art  may  be  negleiied  by  the  foixserful,  it  is  fill 
VI  greater  danger  frotn  the  tnifiaken  efforts  of  the  learned  to  impro've 
it.  What  criticifms  han.>e  njoe  not  heard  cf  late  in  fi^jor  cf  blank 
njerfe  and  Pindarick  odes,  chorujes,  anapefls  and  iambics,  allitera-. 
iiye  care  and  happy  negligence  I  Et>ery  abfurdity  has  nonjo  a  cham- 
pion to  defend  it  ;  and  as  he  is  generally  much  in  the  'V:rong,fo  hs 
has  al-ivajf  much  to  fay  j  for  error  is  ever  ialkati^e^ 

But 


^9'^  DEDICATION. 

But  there  is  an  enemy  to  this  art  flill  more  dangerous^  1  mean  tar- 
ty.     Party  entirely  diJlQvts  the  judgment,  and  dejirojs  the  tajie,     J 
mind  capable  of  relijling  general  beauty,  n.vhen  once  mfeded  njjiih 
this  difeafe,  con  only  find  pleafure  in  ivhat  contributes  to  increafe  the 
dijiemper.     Like  the  t^ger  that  feldom  defifts  from  purfuing  man  af- 
ter having  once  pre^/ed  upon  human  fleflj,' the  reader,  nvho  has  once 
gratified  his  appetite  ivirh  calumny,  makes,  e'ver  after,  the  mojl  agree^ 
able  feaft  upon  murdered  reputation.     Such  readers  generally  admire 
fame  half  icii ted  thing,  ivlw  'wants  to  be  thou-^ht  a  bold  man,  ha^jing 
loll  the  character  of  a  ^jjife  one.     Him  they  dignfy  njoith  the  name  of 
poet',  bis  lampoons  are  called  fatires  ;  bis   turbulence  is  f aid  to  b: 
Jorce,  andhis  phrcnxy  fire. 

What  reception  a  '^poem  may  find,  'which  has  neither  ahufe,  party, 
mr  blank  i^erfe  iojuppori  it,  Icannjt tell,  nor  am  I  ?nuch folicitous  to 
hno'w.  My  aims  are  right.  Without  efpoufing  the  canfe  of  any  par- 
ty, I  banje  attempted  to  moderate  the  rage  of  all.  I  have  endea^jor- 
fd  /I  (JjO-m,  thiU  thn-e  may  be  equal  happinefi^n  other  fates,  though 
diferently  ^o^jerhcd  from  our  onxm  ;  that  each  fate  has  a  particular 
principle  of  bappinefs  ;  and  that  this  principle,  in  each  ft  ate,  cmd  in 
cur  o-wn  in  particular,  may  be  carried  to  a  mfchie'vous  e.xcefs.  There 
crefe-w  can  judge  better  than  yowfelf  bo^far  thefe  pofums  arA 
Uluftrated  in  ibis  poem. 


I  attif  Sir, 


Your  moft  affeciionate  brother^ 


OLIVER   GOLDSMITH, 


»9I 


THE 


TRAVELLER: 


O  R,      A 


PROSPECT    OF    SOCIETY. 


VRMOTE,  unfriended,  melancholy,  flow, 
Or  by  the  lazy  Scheld,  or  wandering  Po  j 
Or  onward,  where  tke  rude  Carinthian  boor 
Again fl  the  houfelefs  ftranger  fliuts  the  door  ; 
Or  where  Campania's  plain  forfaken  lies, 
A  weary  wafte  expanded  to  the  fl<:ies  : 
'Where'er  I  roam,  whatever  realms  to  fee, 
My  heart  untravellM  fondly  turns  to  thee  j 
Stiil  to  my  brother  turns,  with  ceafelefs  pain. 
And  drags  at  each  remove  a  lengthening  chain. 

Eternal  bleflings  crown  my  earlieli  friend. 
And  round  his  dwelling  guardian  Stints  attend  j 
Bleft  be  that  fpot,  where  cheerful  guefls  retire 
To  paufe  from  toil,  and  trim  their  evening  fire  j 
Bleft  that  abode,  where  want  and  pain  repair, 
Arid  every  ftranger  finds  a  ready  chair  j 
Bklt  be  rhofe  feafis  where  mirth  and  peace  abound, 
Whei:€all  the  ruddy  family  around 

Laugli 


l^Z 


THE    TRAVELLER. 

Laugh  at  the  jcfts  or  pranks  that  never  fail. 
Or  figh  with  pity  at  fome  mournful  tale, 
Or  prefs  the  bafhful  flranger  to  his  food. 
And  learn  the  luxury  of  doing  good. 

But  me,  not  deftin'd  fiich  delights  to  fliare. 
My  prime  of  life  in  wand'ring  fpent  and  care  ! 
Impeli'd,  with  fteps  unceafmg,  to  purfue 
Some  fleeting  good  that  mocks  me  with  the  view ; 
Tha%  like  the  circle  bounding  earth  and  (kies. 
Allures  from  far,  yet  as  I  follow,  flies  : 
My  fortune  leads  to  traverfe  realms  alone, 
And  find  no  fpot  of  all  the  world  my  own,  • 
Ev'n  now,  where  Alpine  folitudes  afcend, 
I  fit  me  down  a  penfive  hour  to  fpend  ; 
And,  p'ac'd  on  high  above  the  ftorm's  career, 
Look  downward  where  a  hundred  realms  appear  j 
Lakes,  forefts,  cities,  plains  extended  wide. 
Tie  pomp  of  kings,  the  fhepherd's  humbler  pride. 

When  thus  creation's  charms  around  combine, 
Amidft  the  ftore.  Should  thanklefs  pride  repine  ? 
Say,  Should  the  philofophick  mind  difdain 
That  good,  which  make  each  humbler  bofom  vain  } 
Let  fchool  taught  pride  diflemble  all  it  can, 
7  hefe  little  things  are  great  to  little  man  I 
And  wifer  he,  whofe  fympathetick  mind 
Exults  in  all  the  good  of  all  mankind. 
Ye  glittering  towns,  wi:k  wealtli  and  fplendor  crown'd, 
Yefield',  where  fumrrer  fpreads  profufion  round, 
Ye  111  es,  whofe  v^HTels  catch  tie  bufy  gale, 
Ye  bend':rg  fji-ains,  that  drefs  the  flow'ry  vale. 
For  me  your  tributary  flores  combine  ; 
Creation's  tenant,  :iH  the  world  in  mine. 

As  fome  lone  mifcr  vifitinghis  flcre. 
Bends  at  his  tresfure,  count?,  recounts  it  o'er  j 
Hoards  aficr  hoards  his  rifing  raptures  fill. 
Yet  ftill  !-.e  Hghs,  for  hoards  are  wanting  ftiU  t 

Thus 


T  H  E     T  R  A  V  E  L  L  E  R.  1^3 

i  !UiS  to  1117  breaft  alternate  paflions  rife, 
PJeas'd  with  each  good  that  Heaven  to  man  fupplies  j 
Vet  oti  3   {]gh  prevails,  andforrows  fall, 
To  fee  tlje  fum  of  human  bhfs  fo  fmall  ; 
And  oft  I  wifli,  amidft  the  fee ne,  to  find 
Some  fpot  toreal  happinefs  confign'd, 
Where  my  worn  foul,  each  wand'  ring  hope  at  reft. 
May  gather  blifs  to  fee  my  fellows  bieft. 

Yer,  where  to  find  that  h;ippieit  fpot  below. 
Who  can  dire6l,  when  all  pretend  !o  know  ? 
The  fliudd'ring  tenant  of  the  frigid  zone 
Boldly  proclaims  that  happieft  fpot  his  own  j 
Extols  the  treafures  of  his  ftormy  feas, 
And  iiis  long  night  of  revelry  and  eafe. 
The  naked  negro,  panting  at  the  line, 
Boaffs  of  his  golden  fands  and  palmy  wine, 
Bafks  in  the  glare,  or  fteins  the  tepid  wave. 
And  thanks  his  gods  for  all  the  good  they  gave. 
Nor  lefs  thepatriot's  buaft  where'er  we  roam, 
His  fir/I,  bell  country,  ever  is,  at  home. 

And  yet  perhaps,  if  countries  we  compare. 
And  eftimate  the  blefiiivgs  which  they  fhare  ; 
Though  patriots  flatter,  (till  aiall  wifdom  fiad 
An  equal  portion  dealt  to  all  mankind. 
As  different  good,  by  Art  or  Nature  given 
To  different  nations,  makes  their  bkffings  even. 

Nature,  a  mother  kind  alike  to  all, 
Still  grants  her  blifs  at  Labour's  carnea  call  j 
With  food  as  well  the  peafant  is  fupply'd 
On  Idra's  chffas  Arno's  fhelvy  fide  ; 
And  though  the  rocky  crettcd  furamits  frovvn, 
Thcfe  rocks,  by  cuftom,  turn  to  beds  of  down. 

From  an  inore  various  are  the  blelfings  fent  : 
Wealth,  fplendor,  honour,  liberty,  content  : 
Yet  ihcfe  each  other's  power  Co  firong  conte(T, 
That  either  feems  deftcueiive  of  the  reftj 

R  Hence 


194- 


THE    TRAVELLER. 

Hence  every  ftaie,  to  one  IcvM  blefllng  prone, 
Conforms  and  models  life  to  that  alone  j 
Each  to  the  favorite  happip»efs  attends. 
And  fpurns  the  plan  that  aims  at  other  ends  ; 
'Till,  carried  to  excefs  in  each  domain, 
This  favorite  good  begets  peculiar  pain. 

But  let  us  view  thefe  truths  with  clofcr  eyes, 
And  trace  them  through  the  profpea   as  it  lies  : 
Here  for  a  while,  my  proper  cares  refign'd, 
Here  let  me  fit  in  forrow  for  mankind  ; 
Like  yon  negkaed  (hrub  at  random  caft, 
That  flvides  the  deep;  and  fighs  at  every  blafl. 

Far  to  the  right,  where  Apennine  afcends, 
Bright  as  the  fummcr,  Italy  extends : 
Her  uplands  floping  deck  the  mountain's  fide, 
Woods  over  woods  in  gay  theatric  pride ; 
Wiiile  oft  fome  temple's  mouldering  top  between, 
With  venerable  grandeur  marks  the  fcene. 
Coi:]d  Nature's  bounty  faiisfy  the  breaft. 
The  Tons  of  Italy  were  furely  bleft. 
Whatever  iruits  in  d  fFeren^  climes  are  found. 
That  proudly  rife,  or  humbU  court  the  ground  j 
Whatever  blooms  in  torrid  rraiits  appear, 
Whofe  brli;ht  fucccfiion  decks  the  varied  year  ; 
W^hateveriweeis  fuluie  the  northern  (ky 
With  vernlil  lives.  th:it  bloirombut  to  die  j 
Thefe  here  difportir.g  own  the  kmdied  foil, 
Kur  afk  luxuriance  from  the  planter's  toil  ; 
While  lea  born  ^ales  iheirgehd  wings  expand 
To  winnow  fragrance  round  the  Imiling  land. 

But  Imall  the  blilsthiit  fenfe  alone  befcows, 
Ai:d  feniual  bhfs  is   11  this  nation  knows. 
In  fl  rid  beauty  groves  and  fields  appear. 
Men  feem  the  cnly  growth  that  dwindles  here. 
ContraUed  faults  t'hiough  all  their  manners  reign  ; 
Though  poor,  luxurious  j  though  fubmiinve,  yain  : 

Though! 


T  H  B     T  R  A  V  E  L  L  E  R.  195 

Though  grave,  yet  trifling;  zealous,  yet  untrue; 

And  e'en  in  penance  planning  fins  anew. 

All  evils  here  contaminate  the  mind. 

That  opulence  departed  leaves  behind; 

For  wealth  was  theirs,  nor  far  remoy'd  the  date, 

When  Commerce  proudly  flourifh'd  through  the  ftate; 

At  her  command  the  palace  learnt  to  rife, 

Again  the  long  fall'n  column  fought  the  fkies. 

The  canvas  glow'd  beyond  e'en  nature  warm, 

The  pregnant  q.narry  teem'd  with  human  form. 

But  more  unfteady  than  the  fouihern  gale, 

Soon  Commerce  turn'd  on  oshr'r  (hares  her  fail  j 

While  nouglit  remain'd  of  all  that  riches  gave. 

But  towns  unmann'd,  and  lords  without  a  fl-ive. 

Yet  ftill  the  lofs  of  wealth  is  here  fupply'd 
By  arts,  the  fplendid  wrecks  of  former  pride  ; 
From  thefe  the  feeble  heart  and   long  faH'n   mind 
An  eafy  compenfation  feem  to  find. 
Here  may  be  feen,  in  blo^dlefs  fomp  array 'd, 
Tlie  pafteboard  triumph  and  tlie  cavalcade  ; 
Pfocedions  form'd  for  piety  and  love, 
A  miftrefs    or  a  faint  in  every  grove. 
By  fports  like  thefe  are  all  their  cares  beguii'd 
The  fports  of  children  fatisfy  the  child  : 
aAt  fports  like  thefe,  while  foreign  arms  advance, 
In  paffive  eafe  they  leave  the  world  to  chance. 

When  noble  aims  have  fufFered  long  control. 
They  fink  at  laft,  or  feebly  man  the  foul; 
While  low  delights,  fucceeding  faft  behind, 
In  happier  meannefs  occupy  the  mind  : 
As  in  thofe  domes,  where  Csefars  once  bore  fway, 
Defac'd  by  time  and  tottering  in  decay, 
Amidit  the  ruin,  heediefs  of  the  dead. 
The  flielter  feeking  peafant  builds  his  fhed, 
And  v/ond'ring  man  could  want  tlie  larger  pile, 
Exults,  and  owns  his  cottage  with  a  fmile. 

My 


19^  T  H  E     T  R  A  V  E  L  L  E  R. 

My  foul,  turn  from  tfaem  ;  turn  wt  to  (iirvcy 
Where  rougher  climes  a  nobler  race  difpiay, 
Where  the  bleak  Swifs  their  (lormy  nunfions  tread, 
And  force  a  churlifh  foil  lor  fcanty  bread. 
No  prodiia  here  the  barren  hills  afford, 
But  man  and  Hee!,  the    foldicr  and  his  nvord  ; 
No  vernal  blooms  their  torpid  rocks  array, 
But  winter  lingering  chills  the  lap  of  May  ; 
No  zephyr  fondly  loothes  the  mountain's  breatf, 
But  meteor?   glare,  and  flormy  glooms  invefl. 
Yci  ftill,  ev*n  liere,  Content  can  fpread  a  charm, 
Redrtfi  the  clime,  and  all  its  rage  difarm. 
1  hoi!fi;h  poor  the  pcafant's  hut,  his  feafis  though  fmall, 
He  fees  his  little  lot  the  lot  of  all  ; 
Sees  no  contiguous  palace  rear  its  head    » 
To  ftutne  the  meannefs  of  his  humble  ihed  ; 
No  coUly  lord  ihe  fumptuous  banquet  deaf, 
To  nuke  bini    lothe  his  vegetable  meal  ; 
But  calm,  and  bred  in  ignorance  and  toil, 
iLachwifh  contra6ling,  fits  him  to  the  (oil. 
Clieerful  at  morn  he  wakes  from  (hort  repofe, 
Breathes  the  keen  air,  and  carrols  as  he  goes ; 
\Vith  patient  angle  trouls  the  finny  deep. 
Or  diives  his  vent'rous  plcughfliare  to  the  fieep ; 
Or  fceks  t!;e  den  where  fnow  tracks  mark  the  way, 
And  drags  the  ftruggling  lavage  into  day. 
At  night  returning,  every  labour  fped, 
He  fits  i/im.down  the  monarch  \>i  a  fhed  j 
Smiles  by  his  cheerful  fiiC,  and  round  furveys 
His  children's  looks,  that  brighten  at  the  blaze  j 
"While  his  luv'd  partner,  boaiiful  of  her  hoard, 
Dif[>lays  th.e  clennsy  platter  on  the  board  ; 
And  haply  too  fonve  pilizrim,  tliither  led, 
%Vi(h  many  a  tale  repays  the  nightly  bed. 

Thus  every  good  his  native  wilds  impart, 
mprinis  the  patriot  paffion  on  his  heart  j 


And 


theTRAVELLER.  197 

And    ev*n  tho(e  hills  that  round  his  manfion  rife, 
Enhance  die  bhfs  his  fcanty  fund  fupplies. 
Dear  is  that  (hed  to  which  his  foul  conforms, 
And  dear  tint  hill  which  lifts  him  to  the  Uorms ; 
And  as  a  babe,  when  fearing  founds  mole(^, 
Clings  clofvi  and  clufer  to  the  mother's  breaft, 
So  the  loud  torrent,  and  the  whirlwind's  roar. 
But  bind  him  to  his  native  mountains  more. 
Thefe  are  the  charms  to  barren  dates  affign'd  j 
Their  wants  are  few,  their  wifhes  all  cotjfin'd. 
Yet  let  them  only  fhare  the  praifes  due, 
If  few  their  wants,  their  pleafures  are  but  few  ; 
Since  every  want  that  fHmulates  the  breaft. 
Becomes  a  fource  of  pleafure  when  redreft. 
Hence  from,  fuch  lands  each  pleafing  fcience  flics, 
That  firfl  excites  defire,  and  then  fupplies; 
Unknown  to  them,  when  fenfual  pleafures  cloy, 
To  fill  the  languid  paufe  with  finer  joy  ; 
Unknown  thofe  powers  that  raife  the  foul   to  fljnic. 
Catch  every  nerve,  and  vibrate  through  the  frame. 
Their  level  life  is  but  a  mould'ring  fire, 
Norquench'd  by  want,  nor  fan nM  by  flrong  defire-; 
Unfit  for  raptures,  or  if  raptures  cheer 
On  (omehigh  feftival  of  once  a  year. 
In  wild  excefs  the  vulgar  breaft  takes  fire, 
'Tiil,  buried  in  debauch,  the  blils  expire. 

But  not  their  joys  alone  thus  coarfely   flow; 
Their  morals,  like  their  pleafures,  are  but  low  : 
For,  as  refinement  (lops,  from  fire  to  fon, 
Unalter'd,  unimprov'd  their  manners  run  j 
And  love's  and  friendfiiip's  finely   pointed  dart 
Falls  blunted  trom  each  indurated  heart  : 
Some  fterner  virtues  o'er  the  mountain's  breaft 
May  fit,  like  falcons,  cow 'ring  on  the  neft  j 
But  all  the  gentler  morals,  fuch  as  play 
Through  life's  more  cultur'd  walks,  and  charm  our  way, 
R  3  •  Thefe 


THE    TRAVELLER, 

Thefe  far  difpers'd,  on  timorous  pinions  fly 
To  fporr  and  flutter  in  a  kinder  Iky. 

To  kinder  Ikies,  where  gentler  manners  reign, 
We  turn  ;  and  France  di{plays  her  bright  domain. 
Gay  I'prightly  land  of  mirth  and  iocial  eafe, 
Pleas'd  with  thyfelf,  whom  all  the  world  can  pleafc. 
How  often  have  I  led  thy  fportive  choir, 
With  tunelefs  pipe  befide  the  murmuring  Loire  1 
Where  (hading  elm^  along  the  margin  grew, 
And  fren:>en'd  from  the  wave  the  zephyr  flew  : 
And  haply,  though  my  harfh  touch  falte'ing  dill, 
But  mock'ft  all  tune,  and  marr'd  the  dancer's  fkill  ; 
Yet  wuuid  the  village  piaife  my  wond'rous  power, 
i-\nd  dance,  forgetful  of  ihe  noon  tide  iiour. 
Alike  all  ages.     Dames  of  ancient  days 
Have  led  their  children  through  the  mirthful  mazej 
And  the  gay  grandfire,  fkiU'd  in  gcftic  lore. 
Has  frifli'd  beneath  the  burden  of  thrcefcore. 

So  bright  a  life  thefe  thoughtlefs  realms  difplay  j 
Thus  idly  bufy  rolls  iheir  world  away  : 
Their£  arc  ihofe  arts  t!ut   mind  to  mind  endear, 
For  honour  for  nws  the  focia!  tetriper  here,       ^ 
Honour,  that  praife  which  real  merit  gains, 
Or  ev'n  imaginary  worth  obtains, 
Here  pafTes  current  ;  paid  from  hand  to  hand, 
It  (hitts  in  fplendid  traffic  round  the  land: 
From  courts  to  camps,  to  cottages  it  ftrays, 
And  all  are  taught  an  avarice  of  praife  j 
They  plcafe,  are  pleas'd  ;    they  give,  to  ^^et  efleem 
*Ti!I,  Teaming  bled,  they  grow  to  wliat    they  fcem. 

But  while  this  fofterart  their  blifs  fupplies. 
It  gives  their  follies  alfo  room  to  rife  j 
For  praife  too  dearly  lov'd  or  warmly  foughtp 
Enfeebles  all  internal  (Irength  of  thought : 
And  the  weak  foul,  within  itfelf  unbleft. 
Leans  (cr  all  pleafure  on  another's  breaft. 
Hence  O.^.enUUjn  fjere^  '.vi'.h  t«iudry  art, 


Pants 


THE    TRAVELLER. 


X99 


Pants  for  the  vulgar  praife which  fools  impart  ; 
Here  vanity  afflimesticr  pert  grimace, 
And  trims  her  robes  of  frieze  with  copper  Jace  ; 
Here  beggar  Pride  defrauds  her  daily  cheer, 
To  boaft  one  Iplendid  banquet  once  a  year  : 
The  mind  ftill  turns  where  fhifting  fafhion  draws. 
Nor  weighs  the  folid   worth  of  felfapplaufe. 

To  men  of  other  minds  my  fancy  flses, 
Embofom'd  in  the  deep  where  Holland  lies  ; 
Methinks  her  patient  fons  before  me  ftand. 
Where  the  broad  ocean  leans  againfl  the  land. 
And,  fedulous  to  (lop  the  coming  tide, 
Lift  the  tall  rampire's  artificial  pride  : 
Onward  methinks,  dlnd  diligently  flovv, 
The  firm  conneded  bulwark  feems  to  go  ; 
Spreads  its  long  arms  amidft  the  vvr.try   roar, 
Scoops  out  an  empire,  and    ufurps  the  fhore  : 
While  the  pent  Ocean,  rifing  o'er  the  pile, 
Sees  an  amphibious  world  beneath  liim  fmile  j 
The  flow  canal,  the  yellow  blcfTjm'd  vale, 
The  willow  tufted  bank,  the  gliding  fail. 
The  crowded  mart,  the  cultivated  plain, 
A  new  creation  refcu'd  trom  his  reign. 

Thus,  while  around  the  wave  fubjeded  foilj 
Impels  the  native  to  repeated  toil, 
IndiiHrious  habits  in  each  bofom  reign, 
And  Induf^ry  begets  a  love  of  gain. 
Hence  all  the  good  from  opulence  that  fpring.«!, 
With  all  thofe  ills  fuperfluuus  treafure  biiijgs. 
Are  here  difplay'd.     Their  much  lov'd  wealth  irnpaj:(:§ 
Convenience,  plciity,  elegance  and  arts  j 
But,  view  them  clofer,  craft  and  fraud  appear, 
Ev'n  Liberty  itfelf  is  barter 'd  here  : 
At  gold's  fuperiour  cliarms  all  fieedom  flie-;. 
The  needy  fell  it,  and  the  rich  man  buys  j 
A  land  of  tyrants,  aiid  a  den  of  flaves, 
Jkre  v.'retches  feek  difh^nourable  graves. 


aoo  THE    TRAVELLER. 

And  calmly  benf,  to  fervitiiie  conform, 

Dull  as  their  bkes  that  fleep  beneath  the  ftorm. 
Heavens  I  how  unlike  their  Belgic  fires  of  old  ? 

Rough,  poor,  crntent,  ungovernably  bold  ? 

War  in  each   breafi,  and  freedom  on  each  brow  ; 

How  much  unlike  the  fons   of  Britain  now  1 
Fir'd  at  tke  found,  my  genius  fpreads  her  wing. 

And  flies  where  Britain  courts  the  weflern  fpring  ; 

Where  lawns  extend  that  (corn  Arcadian  pride, 

And  brighter  ftteams  than  fam'd  Hydafpes  glide, 

There  all  around  the  gentleft  breezes  flray, 

Theie  genile  mufic  melts  on  every  fpray  ; 

Creation's  mildefl  charms  are  th.ere  combin'd. 

Extremes  are  only  in  tlie  maker's  mind  : 

Stern  o'er  each  bofom  Reafon  holds  her  !hte, 

With  daring  aims  irregularly  great  : 

Pride  in  their  port,  defiance  in  their  eye, 

I  fee  the  lords  of  humin  kind  pafs  by. 

Intent  on  kigh  defigns,  a  thoughtful  band. 

By  forms  unfafliion'd,   frefh  from  Nature's  hand  ^ 

Fieicc  in  their  native  hardinefsof  foul 

True  to  imagin'd  right,  above  control  ; 

While  ev'n  the  pcafant  boafts  thefe  rights  to  fcan, 

And  learns  to  venerate  himfelf  as  man. 

Thine,  Freedom,  thine  thebleflings  pidlur'd  here, 

Tiiinc  arethofe  charms  that  dazzle  and  endear  j 

Too  bleft,  indeed,  were  fuch  without  alloy, 
But,  foHer'd  ev'n  by  Fieedom,  ills  annoy  j 
That  independence  Britons  prize  too  high. 

Keeps  man  from  man,   and  breaks  the  focial  tie  ; 
The  (elfdependent  lordlings  ftand  alone. 
All  kindred  claims  that  foften  life  unknown  : 
Here  by  the  bonds  of   nature  feebly  held. 
Minds  combat  minds,  repelling  and  repcll'd  ;. 
^Ferments  arife,  imprifon'd  fa^ions  roar, 
Repreft  ambition  fii  uggles  round  her  fbore  ; 
Whilfl,  over  wrought,  the  general  fyftem  feels 
Its  motion  flop,  or  phrenzy  fires  the  wheels.  No: 


THiTRAVELLER.  »of 

Nor  this  the  worft.     As  iocial  bonds  decay, 
As  duty,  lo\s^  and  honour,  fail  to  (way, 
Fictitious  bjnds  the  bonds  of  weahh  and  lav^-. 
Still  gather  ftrenglh,  and   force  unwilling  awe. 
Hence  all  obedience  bows  to  rhefe  alcr.e, 
And  talents  fink  and  nriCrit  weeps  unknown  ; 
'Till  time  may  come,  when  (tript  of  all  hercharnrSj 
That  land  of  fciiolars,  and  that  nurfe  of  arm?, 
Where  noble  ftemstranfmit  the  patriot  claim, 
And  monarchs  toil,  and  poets  pant  for  fame, 
One  fink  of  level  avarice  fiiull  lie, 
And  icholais,  foldiers,  kings,  unhonour'd  die. 

Yet  think  not  thus,  when  Freedom's  ills  1  ftatej 

3  jnean  to  flatter  kings,  or  court  ihe  great  ; 

Ye  powers  of  truth  that  bid  my  Ibul  afpire, 

Far  from  my  bofom  drive  the  low  defire  ! 

And  thou,  fair  Freedom   taught  alike  to  feel 

The^.rabble's  rage,  and  tyrant's  angry  fteel  ; 

Thou  iranfifory  flower,  alike  undone 

By  cold  contempt,  or  favour's  fcftering  fun, 

Still  may  thy  blooms  the  changeful  clime  endure, 

I  only  would  repre/s  them  to  fecure  : 

For  juft  experience  tells  in  every  foil, 

That  thofe  who  think  miift  govern  thofe  thit  toil  ; 

And  all  that  freedom's  liigheff  aims  can  reach. 

Is  but  to  lay  proportion'd  loads  on  each  j 

Much  on  the  low  ;  the  refl,  as  rank  fupplies, 

Should  in  Columnar  diminution  rife  : 

While,  fhould  one  order  difproportion'd  grow, 

Its  double  weight  muft  ruin  all  below. 

O  then  how  blind  to  all  that  truth   requires, 

Who  think  it  freedom  when  a  part  afpires  j 

Calm  is  my  foul,  nor  apt  to  rife  in  armSj 

Except  when  fall  approaching  danger  warms : 

But  when  contending  chiefs  blockade  the  llirone, 

^-(jntrafting  regal  power  to  ftretch  their  own  : 

Wh;:i  1  beliold  a  fa^ious  band  agree 

To 


302  T  H  E    T  R  A  V  R  L  L  E  R. 

To  call  it  freedom  when  them(elves  are  free  ; 
Each  wanton  judge  new  penal  ftatutes  dr4,w, 
Laws  grind  the  poor,  and  rich  men  rule  tlie  law  ; 
The  wealth  of  climes,  where  favage  nations  roam, 
PillagM  from  flaves  to  purchafe  flaves  at  home, 
Fear,  pity,  jufiice,  indignation  fiarf. 
Tear  off  referve,  and  bare  my  fivelling  heart ; 
'rill  half  a  patriot,  half  a  coward  grown, 
I  fly  from  petty  tyrant&  to  the  tinone. 

Yes,  brother,  curfe  with  me  that  baleful  hour, 
When  fird  ambition  flruck  at  regal  power  ; 
And  thus  polluting  honour  in  its  fource, 
Gave  wealth  to  (way  the  mind  witii  double  force. 
Have  we  not  {eeHf  round  Britain's  peopled  fliorc, 
Ker  nfeful  fons  exchang'd  for  ufelefs  ore; 
Seen  all  iier  triumphs  but  deftruition  hafie, 
Like  flaring  tapers  b.-ight'ning  as  they  walle  ? 
Sern  Opulence,  her. grandeur  to  maintain, 
Lead  Hern  Depopulation  in   her  train, 
An(^,  over  fields  wliere  fcatterM  hamlets  rofe, 
In  barren  folitary  pomp  repofe  ? 
Kave  we  not  fcen,  at  pleafure's  lordly  call, 
The  fmlling  long  frequented  village  fall  j 
Beheld  the  duteous  fon,  the  fire  decay'd, 
The  modeft  matron,  and  the  blufhing  maid, 
Forc'd  from  their  homes,  a  melancholy  train, 
To  traverfe  climes  beyond  the  weftern  main  j 
Where  wild  Ofwe^^o  fpreads  her  fwamps  around. 
And  Niagara  ftuns    v.iMi  thund'ring  found  ? 

Ev'n  now,  perhaps,  as  there  fome  pilgrim  flrays 
Thrrngh  tangled  forcrt,  and  through  dangerous  ways ; 
Where  beallswith  man  divided  empire  claim, 
And  she  bi  )wn  Indian  takes  a  deadly  aim  ; 
There,  while  above  the  giddy  tempefl  flies. 
And  all  around  dillrefsful  yells  arife, 
The  penfive  exile,  bending  with  his  wo, 
To  flop  too  feartul,  and  loo  faint  to  go, 

Cafls 


THE     TRAVELLER. 

Carts  a  fond  look  where  England's   glories  fhine^ 
And  bids  his  bofora  fympalhize  with   mine. 
Vain,  very  vain  my  weary  fearch  to  find 
That  blifs  which  only  centers  in  the  mind  : 
Why  h'-ve  I  ftray'd  from  pleafiire  and  repofe, 
To  feek  a  good  each  government  bertows  ? 
Ir>  every  government,  though  terrors  reign, 
Though  tyrant  kings  or  tyrant  laws  reftrain, 
How  fmall,  of  all  that  human  hearts  endure, 
That  part  which  laws  or  kings  can  caufe  or  cure  1 
Still  to  ourfelves  in  every  place  confign'd, 
Our  own  felicity  we  make  or  find  ; 
With  fecret  courfe,  which  no  loud  (torms  annoy, 
Glides  the  fmooth  cijrrent  of  domedic  joy. 
The  lifted  ax,  the  agonizing  wheel, 
Luke's  iron  crown,  and  Damien's  bed  offleel, 
To  men  remote  from  power  but  rarely  known. 
Leave  reafon,  faith  and  confcience  all  our  own» 


2S>3 


TKS 


>«* 


THE 


ESERTED  VILLAGER 


•i«»*»»<$^>S>^«^^>^*«<Hft«-^*^ 


i 


T    O 


Sir  JOSHUA    REYNOLDS, 

»EAR    SIR, 

\ 
I  C  A  N  harue  no  expeffatlons^  In  an  addrefs  of  this  Mnd,   j 
either    to  add  to  your  reputation,    or  to  'ejlalf/l/b   my  oivn,     Tou  ^ 
can  gain  nothing  from   my  admiraiio?i,  as  I   am  Ignorant   of  thaf 
art  in  ivbicb  you   are  faid  to  excel ;  and  I  may  lofe  mu(h  by  the 
feverity  of  your  judgment ,  as  feio  ha-ve  a  jnjier  taftc  in  poetry  than   \ 
you.     Setting   intereji  therefore  afide,  to  nxhich  I  nei'cr  paid   much   '■ 
ottentiony  I  mujl  be  indulged  at  prefent  in  foUo-iuijtg  my  affctlioni. 
The  only  dedication  I  ever  made  ivas  to  my  brother ,  becaufe  I  lot>ed 
bim   better   than  mojl   other  men.     He  is  fince  dead.     Permit  me  to 
Vifcribe  this  poem  to  you. 

Ho-iv  far  you  may  be  pleafed  -with  the  njerftf  cation  and  mere 
mechanical  parts  of  this  attempt^  I  do  not  prete/jd  to  inquire  ;  but 
I  know  you  nuill  obJec7  (and  indeed  feueral  of  our  befi  and  'vc'ife^ 
friends  concur  in  the  opinion),  that  the  depopulation  it  deplores,  is  no 
•where  to  he  feen,  and  the  difrders  it  laments  are  only  to  he  found 
in  the  poet's  oion  imagination.  To  this  I  can  fcarce  make  any 
•ther  anfnvery  than  that  I  fincerely  believe  ivhat  I  have  ivritten ; 
that  I  have  taken  all  pojible  pains,  in  my  country  cxcurfons  f> 
thcfe  four  or  five  years  puft  to  be  certain  cf  vjhat  I  allege,  an 
that  all  my  vieivs  and  inquiries,  have  led  me  to  believe  thvfe  mif- 
eries  real,  vjhicb  I  here  attempt  to  difplay.  But  this  is  notjhe  place 
to  enter  into  an  inquiry  vjhether  the  country  he  depopulating  or 
not  :  The  difcuJjUon  luould  take  up  much  room  ;  and  I  fboidd 
prove  niyfelf  at  btjl,  an  indifferent  politician,  ic  tire  the  reade^' 
nuitb  a  long  preface,  ivhen  I  ivant  bis  unfaiigued  attention  to  a 
long  poem. 

In  regret  iug   the  depopulation  of  the  country,  I  inveigh  againf  lb  a 
increafe  of  our  luxuries  \    and  here  alfo  I  cxpe^  the  fhout  of  modern 

pdit'uians       ^ 


508 


D     E 


I    C    A    T    I    O    N. 


follt'icians  againjl  mc.  For  tzventy  or  thirty  jears paji,  h  has  heen 
the  fa  (h'lon  t9  covfidcr  luxury  as  one  of  the  greateft  national  ad'vau' 
tages  'j  and  all  the  ivifdom  of  antiquity  in  that  particular  as 
erroneous.  Stilly  hoive'ver,  J  tnuji  remain  a  profejjed  ancient  on 
that  head,  and  continue  to  think  tbofe  luxuries  prejudicial  to 
fates,  by  ivhich  fo  fna7iy.  I'ices  areintroducedy  and  fo  many  kingdoms 
ha've  heen  undone.  Indeed ^  fo  much  has  heen  poured  outy  of  late^ 
en  the  other  fde  of  the  quefiony  thaty  merely  for  the  fake  of  novelty, 
and  'Variety y  one  ivcutdfomeiimes  'wijh  to  be  in  the  right, 

I  am,  dear  Sir, 

YvurfncerefUtidf  and  ardent  admireff 

CtlVEU    GOLDSMITH*. 


the: 


ESERTED  VILLAGE, 


s 


'WEET  AuEURN^,  lovelieft  village  of  the  plain^. 
Where  health  and  plenty  cheer  the  laboring  fv^ainj 
Where  fmiling  fpring  its  carliefl  vifit  paid, 
And  parting  fumn>cr's4i!>gering  blooms  delayed  ; 
Dear  lovely  bowers  o-F  innocence  and  eafe, 
Seats  of  ray  youth,  when  every  fpott  could  pleaTe,. 
Bow  often  have  I  loiter'd  o'er  thy  green, 
Where  humble  happinefs  endear'd  each  fcenc  I 
How  often  have  I  paus'd  orr  every  charm. 
The  fiieltcr'd  cot,  the  cultivated  farm^ 
The  never  failing  brook,  the  bufyniiH, 
The  decent  church  that  tcpt  the  neighbouring  hlH  3 
Th€  hawthorn  bufh,  with  feats  beneath   the  (hade. 
For  talking  age  and  whifpering  lovers  made  5 
How   often  have  I  bleft  the  coming  day, . 
Whe.iptoil  remitting  lent  its  turn  to  play,  . 
And  all  tho  village  train  from  labour  free, 
Led  up  their  fports  beneath  liie  fpreadihg  tree  j 
While  many  a  patiime  circled  in  the  (hide. 
The  young  fontendmg.as.  the  old  fu^rveyM  ;  . 
And  many  a  gambol  frolick'd  o'er  the  ground, 
And  flights  of  art,  and  feats  of  flrength  went  round  5 
And  flil],  as  each  repealed  plea  fare  tir'd 
Succeeding  fporis  the  mirthful  band  infpir'd  j  : 
The  dancing  pair  that  fimply  fought  renowa  . 
S  2 


p-M 


i»  THE    DESERTED    V  I  L  L  A  G  S. 

By  holding  out  to  tire  each  other  down  ; 

The  fvvain  miflrufilefs  of  his  fmutted  face. 

While  fecret  laughter  titterM  round  the  place  j 

The  bafliful  virgin's  fidelong  looks  of  love, 

The  matron's  glance  that  would  thofe  looks  reprove. 

Thefe  were  thy  charms,  fweet  village  ;  fportslike  there, 

With  fweet  fuccefiion,  taught  even  toil  to  pleafe  : 

Thefe  round  thy  bovvers  their  cheerful  influence  fhedj 

Thefe  were  thy  charms— But  all  thefe  charms  arc  fled. 

Sweet  fmiling  village,  lovelieft  of  the  lawn, 
Thy  fports  are  fled,  and  all  thy  charms  withdrawn  ; 
Amidft  thy  bowers  the  tyrant's  hand  is  feen, 
Anddefolation  faddens  all  thy  gr^en  : 
One  only  mafi-er  grafps  the  whole  domain, 
And  half  a  tillage  ftints  thy  fmiling  plain. 
No  more  thy   glafiy  brook  reflects  the  day, 
Sut,  chok'd  with  ledges,  works  its  weedy  way  t 
Along  thy  glades,  a  folitary  gucft. 
The  hollow  founding  bittern  guards  its   neft  j 
Amidfl  thy  defart  walks  the  lapwing  flies. 
And  tires  their  echoes  with  unvaried  cries : 
Sunk  are  thy  bowers  in  fhapclefs  ruin  all. 
And  the  long  grafs  o'crtops  the  mould'ring  wall^. 
And  trembling,  fhrinking  from  the  fpoiler's  handj,. 
Par,  far  away  thy  children  leave  the  land. 

Ill  fares  the  land,  to  hafl'ning  ills  a  prey, 
Where  wealth  accumulates,  and  men  decay  : 
Princes  and  lords  may  flourifh,  or  may  fade  ; 
A  breath  can  make  them,  as  a  breath  has  made  : 
But  a  bold  peafantry,  their  country's  pride. 
When  once  dcflroy'd,  can  never  be  fupply'd. 

A  time  there  was,  ere  England's  griefs  began, 
Vv^hen  every  rood  of  ground  maint^in'd  its  man  ; 
For  him  light  Labour  fpread  her  wholefome  (lore,, 
juft  gave  wiiat  life  required,  but  gave  no  more  ; 
His  befl  companions,  innocence  and  health  j 
Aad  his  belt  riches,  ignorance  oi  wealth. 

Bat 


^  H  1   D  E  S  E  R  T  E  D   V  I  L  L  A  G  E.  ^i% 

But  times  are  alter'd  :  Trade's  unfeeling  traia 
Ufurp  the  land,  and  difpofifefs  the  fwain.   ^ 
Along  the  lawn,  where  fcatter'd  hamlets  rofe. 
Unwieldy  wealth,  and  cumbrous  pomp,  repofe  j 
And  every  want  to  luxury  ally'd, 
And  every  pang  that  /oily  pays  to  pride, 
Thofe  gentle  hours  that  plenty  bade  to  bioora, 
Thofe  calmdefires  that  alk'dbut  little  room,' 
Thofe  healthful  fports  that  grac'd  the  peaceful  {cenc> 
Liv'din  each  look,  and  brighten'd  all  the  green  ^ 
Thefe  far  departing  feek  a  kinder  fnore. 
And  rural  mirth  and  manners  are  no  more. 

Sweet  Auburn  !  parent  of  the  blifsful  hour. 
Thy  glades  forlorn  confefs  the  tyrant's  power. 
Here,  as  I  take  my  folitary  rounds, 
Araidft  thy  tangling  walks,  and  ruin'd  ground^,. 
And,  many  a  year  elaps'd  return'd  to  view 
Where  once  the  cottage  flood,  the  hawthorn  grew  j 
Here,  as  with  doubtful,,  penfive  (leps  I  range, 
Trace  every  fcene  and  wonder  at  the  change, 
Kemembrance  wakes  with  all  her  bufy  train, 

Swells  at  my  breaft,  and  turns  the  pad  to  pain. 
In  all  my  wand'rings  round  this  world  of  care^ 

In  all  my  griefs — and  God  has  given  my  fnarc  — 

J  ftill  had  hopes,  my  lateft  hours  to  crown, 

Amidft  thefe  humble  bowers  to  lay  me  down  j. 

My  anxious  day  to  hufband  near  the  clofe. 

And  keep  life's  flame  from  wafting  by  repofe  j 

I  /till  had  hopes,  for  pride  attends  us  ftill, 

Amidft  the  fwains  to  {how  my  book  learn'd  {kill, 

Around  my  fire  an  evening  group  to  draw, 

And  telj  of  all  I  felt,  and  all  1  faw  : 

And,  as  a  hare  whom  hounda  and  horns  purfue,. 

Pants  td'the  place  from  whence  at  fijft  fiie  flew^ 

I  ftill  had  hopes,  my  long  vexations  paft, 

Uers  Id  return—  and  die  at  home  at  laft, 

9  bl6f> 


^IZ       TH.E    DESERTED   V  ILL  AGS. 

O  bleft  retirement  !  friend  to  life's  decline. 
Retreats  from  care  that  never  muft  be  mine. 
How  bleft  is  he  who  crowns,  in  fliades  like  ihefej 
A  youth  of  labour  with  an  age  of  eafe ; 
Who  quits  a  world  where  flrong  temptations  try,. 
And  fince  'tis  hard  to  combat,  learns  to  fty  ! 
Tor  him  no  wretches,  born  to  work  and  weep. 
Explore  the  mine,  or  tempt  the  dangerous  deep,  j; 
>J«  furly  porter  flands  in  guilty  flate, 
To  fpurn  imploring  famine  from  the  gate  ; . 
But  on  he  moves  to  meet  kis  latter  end, , 
Angels  around  befriending  virtue's  friend  ; 
Sinks  to  the  grave  with  unperceiv'd  decay,. 
While  refignatiou  gently  (lopes  the  way, . 
And  all  his  profpedls  brightening  at  the  !afl. 
His  heaven  commences  ere  the  world  be  paft ; 

S%eet  was  the  found,  when  oft  at  evening's  clofe;>-. 
Up  yonder  hill  the  village  murmur  rofe  : 
There,  as  I  pafs'd  with  carelefs  fteps  and  flow, , 
The  mingling  notes  came  foften'd  from  below  ; 
The  fwain  refponfive  as  the  milk  maid  fung, 
The  fober  herd  that  low'd  to  meet  their  young  j 
The  noify  geefe  that  gabbled  o'er  the  poo), 
The  playful  children  ju(t  let  loofe  fromfchool  c 
The  watch  dog's  voice  thit  bay'd  the  whifpering  windj 
And  the  loud  hugh  that  fpokc  the  vacant  mind  ; 
Thefeall  in  foft  confulion  fought  the  fliade, 
Andfill'd  each  pan fe  the  nightingale  had  made. 
But  now  the  founds  of  population  fail  :  . 
No  cheerful  murmurs  fiudtuate.in  the  gale  ; 
No  bufy  ficp5  the  grafs  grown  foot  way  tread,  » 

But  all  their  bloomy  fiufii  of  life  is  fled  ; 
All  but  yon  widow'd,  folitary  thing, 
That  feebly  bends  befide  the  plafhy  fpring  ; 
She,  wretched  matron,  forc'd,  in  age,  for  bread,  , 
To  ftrip  the  brook  with  mantling  crefles  fpread,  . 


THE    DESERTED    VILLAGE,  a^ 

To  pick  her  wintry  faggot  from  the  thorn, 
To  leek  her  nightly  (hade,  and  weep  till  nioin  t 
She  only-left,  of  all  the  harmlefs  train, 
The  fad  hiflorian  ofthe  penfive  plain. 

Near  yonder  copfe>  where  once  the  garden  fmird, 
Aixd  fiill  where  many  a  garden  flower  grows  wild  ; 
There,  where  a  few  torn  fhrubs  the  place  difclofe, 
The  village  preacher's  modeft  manfion  rofe. 
A  man  he  was  to  all  the  couwtry  dear, 
And  pafilng  rich  with  forty  pounds  a  year  ; 
Remote  from  towns  he  ran  his  godly  race, 
Nor  e'er  had  chang'd,  nor  widi'd  to  change  his  place  ; 
UnfKiHritl  he  to  fawn,  or  feek  for  power. 
By  doctrines  fafaion'd  to  the  varying  hour  ; 
Far  other  aims  his  heart  had  learnt  to  prize. 
More  bent  to  raife  the  wretched  than  to  rife. 
His  houfe  was  known  to  all  the  vagrant  train,   . 
He  chid  their  wanderings,  but  reiiev'd  their  pain  ; 
The  long  reraeinber'd  beggar  was  his  gued, 
Whofe  beard  defcending  fwept  his  aged  breafl  ;. 
The  ruin'd  fpendthrift,  now  no  longer  proud,, 
Claim'd  kindred  there,  and  had  his  claims  aliovv'd  j 
The  broken  foldier  kindly  bade  to  flay. 
Sat  by  his  fire,  and  talk'd  the  night  away  ; 
Wept  o'er  his  wounds,  or,  tales  of  forrow  done, 
Shoulder'd  his  crutcli,  and  fhow'd  how  fields  were  won. 
Pleas'd  with  hisguefts,  the  good  man  leaxn'd  to  glow, 
And  quite  forgot  their  vices  in  their  woe  : 
Carelefs  their  merits,  or  their  faults  to  fcan, 
His  pity  gave,  ere  charity  began. 

Thus  to  relieve  the  wretched  was  his  pride. 
And,  ev*n  his  failings  lean'd  to  virtue's  fide  ; 
But  in  his  duty  prompt  at  every  call, 
He  vvatch'd  and  wept,  he  pray'd,  and  felt  for  alU 
And,  as  a  bird  each  fond  endearment  tries 
To  tempt  its  new  fledg'd  offspring  to  the  ikies^ 
He  iry'd  each  art,  reprov'deach  dull  delay^ 

AllurM^. 


414         THE    DESERTED    VILLAGE, 

Allur'd  to  brighter  worlds,  and  led  the  way. 

Befide  the  bed  where  parting  h'fe  was  laid, 
And  forrow,  guilt  and  pain,  by  turns  difmay'd. 
The  reverend  champion  flood.     At  his  control) 
Defpair  and  anguifli  fled  the  firuggling  foul. 
Comfort  came  down  the  trembling  wretch  to  raife, 
And  his  laft  faltering  accents  whifpered  praife. 

At  church,  with  meek  and  unaffected  grace, 
His  looks  adorn'd  the  venerable  place; 
Ijjijth  from  his  lips  prevail'd  with  double  fway. 
And  fools,  who  came  to  feoff,  remain'd  to  pray* 
The  fcrvicc  pafi  around  the  pious  man, 
With  ready  zeal  each  honeft  rurtick.  ran  ; 
E'en  children  follow'd  with  endearing  wile, 
And  pluck'd  his  gown,  to  (hare  the  good  man's  (mile  j 
His  ready  fmile  a  parent's  warmth  exprefs'd, 
Their  welfare  pleas'd  him,  and  their  cares  diftrefs'd  ; 
To  them  his  heart,  his  love,  his  griefs  were  giv'n, 
But  all  his  ferious  ♦houghts  had  reft  in  heav'n  : 
As  fums  tall  cliff  that  lifts  its  awful  form, 
Swells  from  the  vale,  and  midway  leaves  the  ftorm, 
Though  round  its  bread  the  rolling  clouds  arc  fpread. 
Eternal  funfhin'e  fettles  on  its  head. 

Befide  yon  (Irag^^liog  fence  that  fkirts  the  way, 
With  bloffom'd  furze  unprofitable  gay. 
There  in  his  noify  manfion  fkill'd  to  rule, 
Ihe   village  mafter  taught  his  little  fchool  :  ' 

A  man  fevere  he  was,  and  ftern  to  view, 
I  knew  him  well,  and  every  truant  knew  : 
Well  had  the  boding  tremblers  learnt  to  trace. 
The  day's  difafters  in  his  morning  face  ; 
Full  well  they  laugh'd,  with  counterfeited  glee, 
At  all  his  jokes,  for  many  a  joke  had  he  ; 
Full  well  the  bufy  whifper  circling  round, 
Convey'd  the  difmal  tidings  when  he  frown'd  ; 
Yet  he  was  kind,  or  if  fevere,  in  aughr, 
The  love  he  bore  to  lesrning  was  in  fault. 

TliQ 


THpDESERTED    VILLAGE,  115 

The  village  all  dcclar'd  how  much  he  knew  ; 
'Twas  certain  he  could  write,  and  cypher  too  : 
Lands  he  could  meafure,  times  and  tides  prcfage. 
And  even  the  ftoryran  that  he  could  gauge. 
In  arguing  tootheparfon  own'd  his  ikiJl, 
For,  ev'n  though  vanquifli'd  he  could  argue  dill  ; 
While  words  of  learned  length  and  thundering  foundj 
Amaz'd  the  gazing  ruflicks  rang'd  around  : 
A^d  ftiil  they  gaz*d,  and  ftill  the  wonder  grew, 
That  one  fmall  head  could  carry  all  he  knew. 
But  pafl  is  all  his  fame.    The  very  Tpot 
Where  many  a  time  he  triumph'd,  is  forgot. 

Near  yonder  thorn,  that  lifts  its  head  on  high. 
Where  once  the  fign  poft  caught  the  pading  eye, 
Low  lies  that  houfe  where  nut  brown  draughts  infpir'd^ 
Where  grey  bard  mirth  and  (miling  toil  retir'd  : 
Where  village  ftatefmen  talk'd  with  looks  profound^ 
And  news  much  older  than  their  ale  went  round. 
Imagination  fondly  (loops  to  trace 
The  parlour  fplendors  of  that  feftive  place  : 
The  white  wafh*d  wall,  the  nicely  fanded  floor. 
The  varnifh'd  clock  that  click'd  behind  the  door  ; 
The  chefl  contrived  a  double  debt  to  pay, 
A  bed  by  night,  a  cheft  of  drawers  by  day  ; 
The  piftures  plac'd  for  ornament  and  ufe. 
The  twelve  gold  rules,  the  royal  game  of  goofe  5 
The  hearth,  except  when  winter  chill'd  the  day. 
With  afpen  boughs,  and  flowers,  and  fennel  gay  ; 
Wii  I^  broken  teacups,  wifely  kept  for  (how, 
Ran^jMo'er  the  chimney,  gliflen'd  in  a  row. 

Vain,  tranfitory  fplendors  !  Could  not  all 
Reprieve  the  tottering  manfion  from  its  fall  I 
Obfcure  it  finks,  nor  (hall  it  more  impart 
An  hour's  importance  to  the  poor  man's  heart* 
Thither  no  more  the  pea{ant  fhall  repair 
To  fweet  oblivion  ef  his  daily  care; 
Mo  more  the  farmer's  news,  the  barber's  tale, 

1^9 


;i^  T  tt  E  D  E  S  E  R  T  £  D   V  I L  t  A  G  fe; 

No  more  the  woodman's  ballad  fliall  prevail ; 
No  more  the  fmith  his  diilky  brow  fiiall  clear. 
Relax  hfis  ponderous  ftrengih,  and  learn  to  hear  ^ 
The  hoft  himfelf  no  longer  (hall  be  found 
Careful  to  fee  the  mantling  blifs  go  round  ; 
Nor  the  coy  maid,  half  willing  to  be  preft, 
Shall  kifs  the  cup  to  pafs  it  to  the  reft. 

Yes,  let  the  rich  deride,  the  proud  difdain, 
Thefe  fimple  blelTIngs  of  the  lowly  train  ; 
To  me  more  dear,  congenial  to  my  heart. 
One  native  charm,  than  all  the  glofs  of  art. 
Spontaneous  joys,  where  nature  has  its  play. 
The  foul  adopts  and  owns  their  firft  born  fway; 
Lightly  they  frolick  o'er  the  vacant  mind, 
Unenvied,  unmolefted,  unconfin'd  : 
But  the  long  pomp,  the  midnight  mafquerade, 
With  all  the  freaks  of  wanton  wealth  array 'd. 
In  thefe,  ere  triflers  half  their  wifh  obtain. 
The  toiling  pleafure  fickens  into  pain  ; 
And,  e'en  while  fafhion's  brightefl:  arts  decoyj 
The  heart,  diftrufiing,  alks  if  this  be  joy. 

Ye  friends  to  truth,  ye  flatefmen  who  furvey 
The  rich  man's  joys  increafc,  the  poor's  decay, 
'Tis  yours  to  judge,  how  wide  the  limits  (land 
Between  a  fplendidand  a  happy  land. 
Proud  fwells  the  tide  with  loads  of  freighted  ore, 
And  floating  Folly  hails  them  from  her  fhore  ; 
Hoards,  even  beyond  the  mifer's  wifli  abound. 
And  rich  men  fiock  from  all  the  world  around. 
Yet  count  our  gains.     Thisj>vealth  is  but  a  namCi 
That  leaves  our  ufeful  produds  ftill  the  fame. 
Not  fo  the  lofs.     The  man  of  wealth  and  pride 
Takes  up  a  fpace  that  many  poor  (upply'd  ; 
Space  for  his  lake,  his  park's  extended  bounds. 
Space  for  his  horfes,  equipage  and  hounds  : 
The  robe  that  wraps  his  limbs  in  filken  floth, 
K4S  robb'd  tlie  neighb'i  ing  fields  of  half  their  growth  j 

Hit 


THE    DESERTED   VILLAGE.  nj 

His  feat,  where  folitary  fporfs  are  feen, 
Indignant  fpurns  the  coltage  from  the  green  : 
Around  the  world  each  needful  product  flies. 
For  all  the  luxuries  the  world  fiipplies. 
While  thus  the  land,  adorned  for  pleafureall. 
In  barren  fplendor  feebly  waits  the  fall. 

As  fome  fair  female  unadorn'd  and  plain, 
Secure  to  pleafe  while  youth   confirms  her  reign. 
Slights  every  borrow 'd  charm  that  drefs  Aipplies^ 
Nor  fljares  with  art  the  triumph  of  her  eyes  ; 
But  when  thofe  charms  are  paft,  for  charms  are  fraif, 
When  time  aflvances,  and  when  lovers  fail, 
She  then  (hines  forth,  folicitous  to  blefs. 
In  all  the  glaring  impotence  ot  drefs  : 
Thus  fares  the  land,  by  luxury  betray 'd, 
In  nature's  fimpleft  charms  at  firft  array'd, 
But  verging  to  decline,  it  fplendors  rife. 
Its  viftas  llrike,  its  palaces  furprife  j 
While  fcourg'd  by  famine  from  the  fmiling  Utid, 
The  mournful  peafant  leads  his  humble  band  ; 
And,  while  he  finks  without  one  arm  to  fave. 
The  country  blooms — a  garden  and  a  grave. 

Where  then,  ah,  where  fliall  poverty  refidcp 
To  'fcape  the  prefflire  of  contiguous  pride  ? 
If  to  fome  common's  fencelefs  limits  fIrayM, 
He  drivef-,  his  flock  to  pick  the  fcanty  blade, 
Thofe  fencelefs  fields  the  fans  of  wealth  divide, 
And  even  the  bare  worn  common  is  deny'd. 

If  to  the  city  fped — VvHiat  waits  him  tiiere  ? 
To  fee  profufion  tliat  he  muft  not  fhare; 
To  fee  ten  ihoufand  baneful  arts  combin'd. 
To  pamper  luxury,  and  thin  mankind  ;  , 
To  fee  each  joy  the  fons  of  pleasure  know, 
Extorted  from  his  fellow  creature's  woe. 
Here,  while  the  courtier  glitters  in  brocade. 
There  the  pale  artifl  plies  the  fickly  trade  y  ^ 
Here  \yhi\it  the  proud  their  long  drawn  pomps  difp lay, 

T  '  T;c-- 


7«        TH  E    D  ES  ERTE  D    VI  XL  A  GE. 

There  tlie  black  ^bbet  glooms  befidc  the  way. 

The  dome  where  pleafure  holds  her  midnight  reign, 

J!ere  richly  deck'd  admits  the  gorgeous  tram  ; 

Tumultuous  grandeur  crowds  thebtazing  fquare, 

The  rattling  chariots  cla(h,  the  torciies  glare  : 

Sure  fcenes  like  thefe  no  troubles  e'er  annoy  1 

Sure  thefe  denote  one  unirerfal  joy  ! 

Are  thefe  thy  ferious  thoughts  ? — Ah,  turn  thine  eyes 

Where  the  poor  houfelefs  (hi v 'ring   female  lies  ; 

Sh«  once,  perhaps,  in  village  plenty  blefs'd. 

Has  wept  at  talcs  of  innocence  diftrefs'd  ; 

Her  modeft  looks  the  cottage  might  adorn, 

Sweet  as  the  primrofe  peeps  beneath  the  thorn  ; 

Now  loft  to  all  her  friends,  her  virtue  fled, 

Near  her  betrayer's  door  fhe  lays  her  head  ; 

And,  pinch'd  with  cold,  and  Shrinking  from  the  fhow*r, 

With  heavy  heart  deplores  that  lucklefs  hour, 

When  idly  firft,  ambitious  of  the  town, 

She  left  her  wheel  and  robes  of  country  brown. 

Do  thine,  fweet  Auburn,  thine  the  loveliefl:  train. 
Do  thy  fair  tribes  participate  her  pain  ? 
Even  now,  perhaps,  by  cold  and  hunger  led. 
At  proud  men's  doors  they  afk  a  little  bread  j 
Ah  1  no.     To  diftant  climes,  a  dreary  fcene. 
Where  half  the  convex  world  intrudes  between. 
To  torrid  tracts  with  fainting  fteps  they  go. 
Where  wild  Altama  murmurs  to  their  woe. 
Tar  different  there  from  all  th?.^  charm'd  before. 
The  various  terrors  of  that  horrid  fliore,    . 
Thofe  blazing  funs  that  dart  a  downward  ray, 
And  fiercely  ftied  intolerable  dayi 
Thofe  matted  woods  where  birds  forget  to  fing. 
But  filent  hats  in  drowfy  cliiflers  cling  ; 
Thole  poifonous  fiel  is  with  rank  luxuriance  crown'd, 
Where  the  dark  fcorpion  gathers  death  a/ound  ; 
Where,  at  each  ftep,  the  (Iranger  fears  to  vrake 
The  rattling  terrors  ©f  the  vengeful  fnake  ;  Where 


THE   DESERTED   VILLAGE.  zs^ 

Where  crouching  tygers  wait  their  haplefs  prey, 
And  favage  men,  more  murderous  ftiil  than  they  ; 
While  ofr  in  Worlds  the  rrad  tornado  flies, 
Mingling  the  ravag'd  landfcape  with  the  flcies  : 
FardifFirent  thefe  from  every  former  fcene. 
The  cooling  brrsok,  the  grafTy  vefted  green. 
The  breezy  coverf  of  the  warb'in^grove, 
That  only  fhelterM  thefts  of  harmlefs  love. 

Good  heiiv°n  !  what  forrows  gloom'd  that  parpJng  day. 
That  call'd  them  from  their  sative  walks  away  ! 
When  the  poor  exiles,  every  pleafure  paf>, 
Hung  ronnd  their  bowers,  and  fondly  look'd  their  iaiJ, 
And  took  a  long  farewell,  and  vvifli'd,  in  vain. 
For  feaJo  iik*^  thefe  beyond  the  wefiern  main  j 
And  /hudu'rin^  flill  to  face  the  diflant  deep, 
Retnrn'd  and  wept,  and  flill  return'd  to  weep. 
The  good  jM  fire,  who  firfl  prepared  to  go  ' 

To  new  found  worlds,  and  wept  for  others  woe  ; 
Btu  for  bimfelf,  in  confcious  virtue  brave, 
He  only  wifh'd  for  worlds  beyond  the  grave. 
His  lovely  daughter,  love'ier  in  her  tears. 
The  fond  companion  of  his  helplefs  years. 
Silent  went  next,  negledful  of  her  charm?. 
And  left  a  lover's  for  her  father's  arms. 
With  louder  plaints  the  mother  fpoke  her  woes. 
And  blefs'd  the  cot  where  every  pleafure  rofe  ; 
And  kifs'd  her  thoughtlefs babes  with  many  a  tear^. 
And  clafp'd  them  clofe,  in  lorrow  doubly  dear  j 
While  her  fond  hufband  ftrove  to  lend  relief 
In  all  the  decent  manlinefs  of  grief. 

O  Luxury  I  Thou  curfs'dby  heaven's  decree. 
How  ill  exchang'd  are  things  like  thefe  for  thee  f 
How  do  thy  potions  with  infiduous  joy, 
Diffufe  their  pleafures  only  to  deflroy  1 
Kingdoms  by  thee  to  fickly  greatnefs  grown, 
Boaft  of  a  florid  vigour  not  their  own. 
At  every  draught  more  large  and  large  they  grow, . 

A  bloated  mafs  of  rank  unwieldy  woe  j , 

'Tiia 


229  THE    DESERTED    VILLAGE, 

'Till  fapp'd  their  ftrength,  and  every  part  unfound, 
Down,  down  lliey  fink,  and  fpread  a  ruin  round. 

E'en  now  the  devaftation  is  begun, 
And  half  the  bufinefs  of  deftru<Sliofi  done  j 
E'en  noTv,  methinks,  as  pondering  here  I  ftand, 
I  fee  the  rural  virtues  leave  the  land  ; 
Bjwn  where  yon  anchoring  veflel  f}:>read3  the  fail^ 
That  idly  waiting  flaps  with  every  gale, 
Downward  they  move,  a  melancholy  band, 
^dfs  from  the  fliore,  and  darl-en  all  the  llrand. 
Contented  Toil,  and  hofpitable  Care, 
And  kind  connubial  Tendernels,  are  there  j 
And  Piety  with  wilhes  pla^'d  abovc». 
And  Heady  Loyalty,  and  laitliful  Love. 

And  thou,  fweet  Poetry,  lijoii  lovelieft  maid, 
S*;ll  firfr  to  flv  where  fenfual  joys  invade  ; 
Unfir,  in  ^heie  deji^enerate  times  of  fhame. 
To  catch  the  heart,  or  flrike  for  honed  fame ; 
Dear  charming  nymph,  neglefled  and  decried. 
My  fhcifne  in  crowds,  my  folitary  pride; 
Tliou  i'ource  of  all  my  blifs,  and  all  my  woe, 
Thou  found'll  me  poor  at  fiift,  and  keep'ft  me  io  3 
Thou  guide  by  which  the  nobler  arts  excel. 
Thou  nurfe  of  every  virtue,  fare  the  well  : 
Farewell  ;  and  ohi   where'er  thy  voice  be  try'd, 
On  Torno's  clifEs,  or  Pambaraarca's  fide, 
W!)ether  where  cquinoftial  fervours  glo^, 
Or  winter  wraps  the  polar  world  in  fnow  ; 
Still  let  thy  voice,  prevailing  over  Time, 
Rcdrefs  the  rigours  of  the  inclement  cliiue  j 
Aid  flighted  Truth  with  thy  perfuafive  firain, 
Teacli  erring  man  to  fpurn  the  rage  of  gain  ; 
Teach  liim,-that  ftates  of  native  fiirength  poffefs'd 
Though  very  poor,  may  flill  be  very  blefs'd  ; 
That  trade's  proud  empire  hades  to  fvvift  decay, 
As  ocean  fweeps  the  laboured  mole  away  ; 
While  felfdependent  power  can  time  defy, 
\s  rocks  refift  the  billows  and  the  Iky. 

EDWIN 


EDWIN  AND  ANGELINA. 


A    BALLAD, 

f*    A  URN,  gentle- hermit  of  the  dale, 

And  guide  my  lonely  way 
To  where  yon  taper  cheers  the  vale 

With  hofpitable  ray. 

Pr^r  here  forlorn  and  loft  I  tread, 
With  fainting  fteps  and  flow  : 

Where  wilds  immeafurabiy  fpread. 
Seem  lengthening  as  I  go/' 

«*  Forbear,  my  fon,"  the  hermit  cries 
To  tempt  the  dangerous  gloom  ; 

For  yonder  phantom  only  flies 
To  lure  thee  to  thy  doom. 

Here  to  the  houfelefs  child  of  want- 

My  door  is  open  ftill  ; 
And  though  my  portion  is  but  fcant^ 

I  give  it  with  good  will. 

Then  turn  to  night,  and  freely  fliare 
Whate'er  my  cell  beftows  ; 

My  rufhy  couch  and  frugal  fare. 
My  blefling  and  repofe. 

No  flocks  that  range  the  valley  free 

To  flaughter  I  condemn  ; 
Taught  by  that  Power  that  pities  mCj, 

I  learn  to  pity  them, 

T  3 


li*  EDWIN  AND  ANGELINA. 

But  from  the  mountain's  gralTy  fide 

A  guiltlefs  fcaft  I  bring  ; 
A  fcrip  with  herbs  and  fruits  Tupply'd, 

And  water  from  the  filing. 

Then  pilgrim,  turn,  thy  cares  forego. 

For  earth  born  cares  are  wrong  j 
Man  wants  but  little  here  below. 
Nor  wants  that  litUe  long. 

Soft  as  the  dew  from  heav'n  defcenilsp 

His  genrfe  accents  fell  : 
The  grateful  flranger  lowly  bends, 

And    follows  to  the  cell. 

Far  fbeltcr'd  ia  a  glade  obfcure, 
r.       The  modefl  manfion  lay  ; 
..  A  refuge  to  the  neighbouring  p»r, 
,-      And  Grangers  led  ailray. 

No  (lores  beneath  its  humble  thatch 
Required  a  mafler's  care  j 

The  door  juft  opening  with  a  latch^ 
Rcceiv'd  the  harmiefs  pair. 

And  now  whei). worldly  crowds  retire 

To  revels  or  to  reft, 
The  hermit  trjmia'd  his  litile  fire, 

And  chcei'd  his  jjenfiye  gucft  j 

And  rpreadhJs  vegetable  ftore, 
And  gaily  prefs'd  and  fmii'd  5 

And,  flciU'd  in  legandary  lore, 
The  lingering  hours  btguil'd. 

Around  in  fympathetick  mirth 
Its  f ricks  ilje  kitten  tries  ; 

The  cricket  chirups  in  the  Iiearth  5 
The  fracklin^  faggot  flies. 


But 


EDWIN  AND  ANGELINA^  %zs 

But  nothing  could  a  charm  impart 

To  foothc  the  ftrsnger's  woe  ; 
For  grief  was  heavy  at  his  heart. 

And  tears  began  to  flow. 

His  rifing  cares  the  hermit  fpy'd,        li 

With  anfwering  care  opprefs'd  : 
**  And  whence,  unfiappy  youth,"  he  cry '^ 

«*  The  forrows  of  thy  breaft  ? 

F^ora  better  habitations  fpurn'd^ 

Reluctant  dofl  thou  rove, 
9r  grieve  for  friendship  unreturn'd, 

Or  unregarded  love. 

Alas  I  the  joys  thai  fortune  bringsj . 

Arc  trifling,  and  decay  : 
And  thofe  who  prire  the  paltry  things^ 

More  trifling  ftill  than  they. 

And  what  is  friendfnip  but  a  naiKC^ 

A  charm  that  hills  to  fleep  j 
A  (hade  that  follows  wealth  or  fatDCj 

But  leaves  the  wretch  to  weep  } 

And  love  is  ftill  an  emptier  foufiJ^ 

The  haughty  fair  one's  jeft, 
On  earth  unfeen,  or  only  found 

To  warm  the  turtle's  nell.' 

For  rtiame,  fond  youth,  thy  forrows  huQt) 

Andf[>urn  the  fex,*'  he  faid ; 
But  while  be  fpoke,  a.riting  blufh 

The  bafliful  gu^ft  betray 'd. 

He  fees  unnumber'd,  beauties  rife, 

Expanding  to  the  view  ; 
Uke  clouds  that  deck  the  morning  fkie?^ 

As  brigjit,  as  tranfient  too. 


EDWIN  AND  ANGELINA. 

Her  looks,  her  lips  her  panting  breaf^. 

Alternate  fpread  alarms ; 
The  lovely  flrangcr  ftands  confeft 

A  maid  in  all  her  charms. 

And,  «  Ah,  forgive  a  ftranger  rud€^v 
A  wretch  forlorn,"  (he  cry'd  ; 

"Whofe  feet  iinhallowM  thus  intrude 
Where  heav'n  and  you  refidc. 

But  let  a  maid  thy  pity  (hare, 
Wliom  love  has  taught  to  ftray  5 

Who  feeks  for  reft,  but  finds  Defpair- 
Companion  of  her  way. 

My  father  liv'd  befide  the  Tync, 

A  wealthy  lord  was  he  : 
And  all  his  wealth  was  mark'd  as  mine  5 

He  had  but  only  me. 

To  win  me  from  his  tender  arras, 

Unnumber'd  fuitors  came; 
Who  prais'd  me  for  imputed  charms, 

And  felt,  or  feign'd  a  flame. 

Sach  morn  the  gay  fantaftick  crowd 
With  richefl  proffers  ftrovc  : 

Among  the  reft  young  Edwin  bow'd, . 
But  never  talk'd  of  love. 

In  humble,  fimpleft  habit  clad  ; 

No  wealth  nor  power  had  he  ; 
A  conftant  heart  was  all  he  had, 

But  that  was  all  tome. 

The  bloftbm  opening  to  the  day. 
The  dews  of  heav'n  refin'd, 

Gould  nought  of  purity  difplay, 
To  emulate  his  mind. 


The 


EDWIN  AND  ANGELINA,  3*5 

The  dew,  the  bloflbm  on  the  tree, 

With  charms  inconftant  fhine  ; 
Their  charms  were  his,  but,  woe  to  vac, 

Their  conftancy  was  mine. 

For  ftill  I  try*d  each  fickle  art, 

Importunate  and  vain  : 
And  while  iiis  pafTion  touchM  my  heart, 

I  triumph'd  in  his  pain. 

Till,  quite  dejefted  with  my  fcorn, 

He  left  me  to  my  pride  ; 
And  fought  a  foiitude  forlorn, 

In  fecret,  where  he  dy'd. 

But  mine  the  forrow,  mine  the  faulf^ 

And  well  my  life  fnalJ  pay  ; 
i'il  feek  I  he  foiitude  he  fought. 

And  Itretch  me  where  he  lay. 

And  there,  forlorn,  defpairing  hid, 

I'll  lay  me  down  and  die  : 
'Twas  fo  for  nne  that  Edwin  did. 

And  fo  for  him  will  I,'' 

Thou  (halt  not  thus,"  the  hermit  cryM, 

And  clafp'd  her  to  his  breart  ; 
The  wond'ring  fair  one  turn'd  to  ehide— =■ 

'Twas  Edwin's  felf  that  preft, 

*'Turn,  Angelina,  ever  dear, 

My  charmer,  turn  to  fee 
Thy  own,  thy  long  loft  Edwin  here, 

Reflor'd  to  love  and  thee. 

Thus  let  me  hold  thee  to  my  heart. 

And  every  care  refign  ; 
And  (hall  we  never,  never  part, 

O  thou— -my  all  that's  mine  ? 

No,  never  from  this  hour  to  part, . 

We'll  live  and  love  fo  true  j 
The  figh  that  rends  thy  con  flan  t  heart. 

Shall  break  thy  Edwin's  too."  THs 


3^8= 


THE 


DOUBLE  TRANSFORMATION. 


TALE. 


OECLUDED  from  dom<^nick  ftrifr, 
Jack  Bookworm  liv'd  a  college  life  ; 
A  fellowHiip  at  twenty  five 
Made  him  the  happieft  man  alive  ; 
He  drank  his  glafs,  and  crack'd  his  joke, 
And  Fielhmen  wonder'd  as  he  fpoke  : 
Wirhciit  politenefs,  aim'd  at  breedirg, 
And  laugh'd  at  pedantry  and  reading. 

Such  pleafures,  unallay'd  with  care. 
Could  any  accident  impair  ? 
Could  Cupid's  fhaft  in  length  transfixj 
Ourfwain  arriv'd  at  thirty  fix  ? 
O  had  the  archer  ne'er  come  down, 
To  ravage  in  a  country  town  I 
Or  Flavia  been  content  to  ftop 
At  triumphs  in  a  Fleet  fireet  (hop  I 
O  had  her  eyes  forgot  to  blaze  ! 
Or  Jack  h^d  wanted  eyes  to  gaze  I 

O  1 But  let  exclamation  ceale. 

Her  prcfence  banifti'd  all  his  peace. 

Our  aUer'd  par  Ton  now  began 
To  be  a  perte«Sl  ladiei'  man  ; 
Made  fonnets,  lifpsM  his  fermon  o'er. 
And  told  the  tales  he  told  before,. 


DOUBLE   TRANSFORMATION,  az. 

'Of  bailiffs  piimp'd  and  proiHors  bit, 

At  college  how  he  {hew'd  his  wit  : 

And  as  the  fair  one  ftill  approved, 

He  fell  in  love — or  thought  he  lov'd  ; 

So  with  decorum  all  things  carried  j 

Miis  frown'd,  and  blufh'd,  and  then  was— married. 

Need  we  expofe  to  vulgar  fight 
The  raptures  of  the  bridal  night  ? 
Need  we  intrude  on  hallow'd  ground. 
Or  draw  the  curtains  clofe  around  ? 
Let  it  luffice,  that  each  had  charms  ; 
He  claps'd  a  goddefs  in  his  arms  j 
And,  though  fhe  felt  his  vifage  rough, 
Yet  in  a  man  'twas  well  enough. 

The  honey  moon  hke  lightning  flew, 
The  fecond  brought  its  tranfports  too, 
A  third,  a  fourth  was  notamifs  j 
The  fifth  was  friendship  mix'd  with  blifs  : 
But  when  a  twelvemonth  pafs'd  away, 
Jack  found  his  goddefs  made  of  clay  ; 
Found  half  the  charms  that  deck'd  her  face, 
Arofe  from  powder,  Hireds,  or  lace  ; 
But  ftill  the  word  r?main'd  behind, 
That  very  face  had  robb'd  her  mind. 

Skill'd  in  mo  other  art  was  fhe, 
But  drefling,  patching,  repartee  5 
And,  jufl  as  humour  rofe  or  felt, 
By  turns  a  flattern,  or  a^belle  : 
*ris  true  (he  drefs'd  with  modern  grace, 
Half  naked  at  a  ball  or  race  ; 
But  when  at  home,  al  board  or  bed, 
Five  greafy  niglu  cap*  wrapped  her  head. 
Could  fo  much  beaa':y  condefcend 
To  be  a  dull  domeftick  friend  i 
Could  any  curtain  leftures  bring 
To  decency  fo  fine  a  thing  ? 

hi 


12S  DOUBLE  TRANSFORM  ATION* 


In  ihort,  by  night,  'twas  fits  or  fretting  ; 
By  day,  'twas  gadding  or  coquetting. 

Now  tawdry  madam  kept  a  bevy, 
Of  powder'd  coxcombs  at  her  levee  ; 
The  'fquirc  and  captain  took  their  flations. 
And  twenty  other  near  relations  ; 
Jack  fuck'd  his  pipe  and  often  broke 
A  figh  in  fuffocating  foioke  ; 
She,  in  her  turn,  become  perplexing, 
And  found  fubftantial  blifsin  vexing. 
Thus  every  hour  was  pafs'd  between 
Infuldng  repartee  or  fpleen. 
Each  day,  the  more  her  faults  were  known, 
He  thinks  her  features coarfer  grown; 
He  fancies  every  vice  (he  (hows, 
Or  thins  her  lips,  or  points  her  nofc  ; 
Whenever  rage  or  envy  rife. 
How  wide  her  mouth,  how  wild  her  eyes  I 
He  knows  not  how,  bat  fo  it  is. 
Her  face  is  grown  a  knowing  phiz  ; 
And  though  her  fops  are  wonderous  civil. 
He  thinks  her  ug.'y  as  the  devil. 

Thus,  to  perplex  the  ravell'd  noofe. 
While  each  a  different  way  purfues. 
While  fallen  or  loquacious  firife 
Promis'd  to  l^old  on  during  life, 
That  dire  difeafe,  whc'e  ruthlels  power 
Withers  the  beauty's  tranfieut  flower«~ 
Lo  I  tl.e  fmall  pox,  whole  hv}rrid  glaie, 
Levell'd  its  terrors  at  the  fair, 
And,  riding  every  youthful  grace, 
Left  but  the  remnant  of  a  face. 

The  glafs,  f^rown  hateful  to  hi"  fight, 
Refieaed  uuw  a  pcife^^  fright ; 
Each  former  art  Hie  vainly  tries 
To  bring  back  ludre  to  her  eyes. 
In  vain  flie  trks  her  paftes  and  creams. 


DOUBLE    TRANSFORMATION,  j 

To  fmooth  her  /ki.n,  or  hide  its  Teams  ; 
Her  counlry  beaux  and  cjty  ecu  fins, 
Lovers  no  more,  flew  off  by  dozens  : 
The  Tquire  himlelf  was  feen  to  yield. 

And  e'en  the  captain  quit  the  field. 
Poor  madam,  now  condemned  to  hack 

The  reft  of  life  with  anxious  Jack, 

Perceiving  others  fairly  flown. 

Attempted  pleafing  him  alone. 

Jack  foon  was  dairzled  to  behold 

Her  prefent  face  furpafs  the  old  ; 

With  modefty  her  cheeks  were  dy'dj 

Humility  difplaces  pride ; 

P'or  tawdry  finery  is  feen 

A  perfon  ever  neatly  clean  ; 

No  more  prefiiming  on  her  fway 

She  learns  good  nature  every  dav  • 

Serenely  gay,  and  ftria  in  duty/ 
lack  finds  his  wife  a  peifea:  beaufv. 


tu9 


h  m^^ 


A    NEW    SIMILE. 

IN   THE  MANNER   Of  SwiFT. 

I  LONG  had  rack'd  my  brains  to  find 
A  likenefs  for  the  fcribbhng  kind, 
The  modern  fcribbling  kind,  who.  write 
In  wit,  and  fenfe,  in  nature's  fpite  : 
Till  reading,  I  forget  what  day  on, 
A  chapter  out  of  Took's  Pantheon, 
I  think  I  met  with  fomcthing  there, 
To  fuit  my  purpofe  to  a  hair. 
Bat  let  us  not  proceed  too  furious, 
Firfl  pleafc  to  turn  to  god  Mercurius  ; 
You'll  find  him  piaur'd  at  full  length 
In  book  the  fecond,  page  the  tenth  : 
The  ftrefs  of  all  my  proofs  on  him  I  lay. 

And  now  proceed  we  to  our  fimile. 
Imprimis,  pray  obferve  his  hat ; 

Wings  upon  either  fide mark  that. 

Well  1  What  is  it  from  thence  we  gather  ?, 

Why,  thefe  denote  a  brain  of  feather. 

A  brain  of  feather— very  right  j 

Wi'.h  wit  that's  flighty,  learning  light ; 

Such  as  to  modern  bards  decreed, 

A  jufl  comparifon — Proceed'^ 

In  the  NEXT  place,  his  feet  perufe. 

Wings  grow  again  from  both  his  flioes  5 

Defign'd,  no  doubt,  their  part  to  bear. 

And  waft  his  godfhip  through  the  air  : 

And  here  my  fimile  unites ; 

For,  in  a  modern  poet's  flights, 

I'm  fure  it  may  be  juflly  faid, 

|iis  feet  arc  ufeful  fs  Ui?  jta^r 


ANEWSIMILE.  j 

Lastly,  vouchfafe  t'obferve  his  hand^ 
Fiird  with  afnake  encircled  wand  5 
By  claCick  authors  term'd  Caducis^ 
i\nd  highly  fam*d  for  feveral  ufes. 
To  wit — mod  wond'roufly  endu'd. 
No  poppy  water  half  fo  good  ; 
For  let  folks  only  get  a  touch. 
Its  foporifick  virtue's  fuch. 
Though  ne'er  To  mucli  awake  beforcj 
That  quickly  they  begin  to  fncre. 
Add  too,  what  certain  writers  tell, 
"With  this  he  drives  men's  fouls  to  hell. 

Now  to  apply,  begin  we  then  : 
His  wand's  a  modern  author's  pen  ; 
The  ferpents  round  about  it  twin'd. 
Denote  him  of  the  reptile  kind  ; 
Denote  the  rage  with  which  he  writes, 
Kis  frothy  fiaver,  vcnom'd  bites  ; 
An  equal  fernblance  ftill  to  keep. 
Alike  they  both  conduce  to  fieep. 
This  difierencc  only,  as  the  god 
Dr€ve  fouls  to  Tart'rus  with  his  rod, 
Witfi  his  goofe  quill  the  fcribbling  elf, 
InfiCad  of  others,  damns  himfelf. 

And  here  my  fimile'salmoft  tript. 
Yet  grant  a  v/ord  by  way  of  poftfcript ; 
Moreover,  Merc'ry  had  a  failing  : 
Weill  What  of  that  ?  out  with  it—ftealingj 
In  which  our  fcribbling  bards  agree, 
Being  each  as  great  a  thief  as  he ; 
But  ev'n  his  deity's  exigence 
Shall  lend  my  fimile  alliftance. 
Our  modern  bards !  why,  what  a  pox 
Are  they  but  fenfdefs  ftones  and  blocks  ? 

RETALIATION. 


RETALIATION. 


[THE  t'lth  and  nature  of  this  Poem,  Jho'vos  that  it 
rwed  its  birth  to  jome  preceding  circumjiances  of  fefii've  merri- 
ment^ njohich,  from  the  ivif  eftbe  company ^  and  the  'very  ingenious 
muthor* s  peculiar  oddities^  ivere  probably  cnli'vewed  by  fome  poig- 
nant Jlroies  <f  humour.  This  piece  tuas  only  intended  for  the 
Dolor's  private  amufement^  and  that  of  the  ptirticulur  friends 
nvho  tuere  itsfuhje^  ;  and  he  unfortunately  did  not  linje  to  r^vife^ 
or  eiwi  to  fnifh  it,  in  the  manner  ivhich  he  intended  ] 


o, 


Fold  when  Scarronhis  tompanlons invited, 
Each  gueft  brought  his  dirt),  and  the  fcaft  was  united  ; 
If  OUT  faj  landlord  fupplics  us  with  beef  and  with  fifli. 
Let  each  gueft  bring  himfelf,  and  he  brings  tlie  beft  difk. 
Our  fbj  Dean  fhall  be  vcnifon  jufl  frefh  from  the  plains  ; 
tiux  (c)  Burke  fliall  be  tongue,  with  a  garnifli  of  brains  j 
Omt  fdj  ^^'ill  (hall  be  wild  foul,  ot  exrcilent  flavour, 
And  fej  Dick,  with  his  pepper  fhall  heighten  their  favour  : 

Our 

{a J  77:e  mipr  of  the  St.  James's  ef>ff>ehoufey  ijohere  the 
Dctlor  and  the  friends  he  hath  claraSlerizrd  in  this  poem,  held 
etn  occafional  club, 

(b)  Doclor  Barnard,  Dean  of  Derry^  in  Ireland,  author  of 
many  ingenious  pieces. 

(c)  Mr.  Ediucird  Burke,  member  for  Wendo-ver,  and  one  of  the 
greatcjl  orators  in  this  kingdom. 

(d)  Mr  JVdliam  Burke,  late  Secretary  to  Cfneral  Conway,  and 
member  for  Beduoin, 

(e)  Mr.  Richard  Burhy  CollecJorofGranaJa^  no  lejs  remarkable 
in  the  'walks  ofioit  and  humour  than  his  brother  Edmund  Burke, 
isjujily  dijlingw/bed  in  all  the  branches  ofu/eful  and  polite  literature^ 


1 


'i^ETALlATION. 

^nr  {fj  Cumberland's  fweet  bread  its  place  fhall  obtairt. 

And  fgj  Douglas  is  pudding  fubftantial  and  pl^n  : 

Our  fhj  Garrick's  a  fallad,  for  in  him  we  fe& 

Oil,  vinegar,  fugar  and  faltnels  agree  : 

To  make  out  ti^e  dinner,  full  certain  I  am. 

That  fij  Ridge  is  anchovy,  and  fkj  Rsynolds  i$  !ani\|. 

That  {ij  Hickey's  a  capon,  and,  by  the  fame  rule> 

Magnanimous  Goldfmith,  a  goofeberry  fool : 

At  a  dinner  fo  various,  at  fuch  a  repaft. 

Who'd  not  be  a  glutton  and  ftick  to  the  laft  I 

Here  waiter,  more  wine,  let  me  fit  while  I'm  able, 

'Till  all  my  companions  fink  under  the  table  ; 

Then  with  chaes  and  blunders  encircling  ray  head^ 

X.et  me  ponder,  and. tell  what  I  think  of  the  dead. 

Here  lies  the  good  Dean,  reunited  to  earth, 
Who  mixM  rcafon  with  pleafure,  and  wifdom  with  mirth  } 
If  he  had  any  faults,  he  has  left  us  in  doubt. 
At  leaft  in  fix  weeks,  I  could  not  find  'em  out  ; 
Yet  fome  have  declar'd  and  it  can't  be  denied  'em. 
That  fly  boots  wascurfedly  cunning  to  hide  *em. 

Here  lies  our  good  Edmund,  whofe  genius  was  fuclj- 
We  fcarcely  can  praife  it,  or  blame  it  too  much  • 
Who,  born  for  the  univerfe,  narrow'd  his  mind, 

U  a  And 

(fJ  Author  of  the  Weftindlan^  Fajhionahle  Lo^er,  the  Brothers, 
and  other  dramatick  pieces, 

(g)  DoBor  Douglas^  Canon  of  Wlndfer,  an  Ingenious  Scotch  gen- 
tleman ^  ivho  has  no  lefi  '  d'lfi'inguijbed  himfelf  as  a  citizen  of  the 
^vjorldy  than  a  found  critick  in  deleting  fenjeral  literary  mifakes^ 
Qr  rather  forgeries  of  his  countrymen  ;  particularly  Lander  m 
Milton  J  and  Roi.'jsr's  hljlory  of  the  Popes. 

(h)  Darvid  Gar  rick,  Efq  ;  joint  patentee  and  a8ivg  manager  of 
the  Theatre  Roja\  Drury  Lane. 

(i)  C^unfellor  John  Ridge,  a  gentleman  belonging  to  the  Irlfb 
bar  \  the  relijb  ofivhofe  agreeable  and  pointed  cowverfation  is  ad-^ 
mittedby  all  his  acquaintances^  to  be  'very  properly  compared  to 
the  abonjefauce, 

(k)  Sirjofhua  Reynolds,  prefdent  of  the  Royal  Acsidmy, 
(I)  An  emment  atim^efy 


R  E  T  A  L  I  A  T  I  O  N.    j^ 

Aid  to  party  gave  up  what  was  meant  for  mankind  ; 
Though  fraught  with  all  learning,  yet  (training  his  throat, 
To  perfuade  fmj[  Tommy  Townleod  to  lend  him  a  vole  j 
Who,  too  deep  for  his  hearers,  tlill  went  on  refining, 
And  thought  of  convincing,  while  ihey  thought  of  dining  ; 
Though  equal  to  all  things,  for  all  things  unfit, 
Too  nice  for  a  ftatcfman,  too  proud  for  a  wit  ; 
Jsor  a  patriot  too  cool,  for  a  drudg^e  difobedient, 
-And  too  fond  of  the  right  to  purfue  the  expedient. 
In  fliort  'twas  his  fate,  unemployed  or  in  place^fir, 
To  eat  mutton  cold,  and  to  cut  blocks  with  a  razor. 
Here  lies  honeft  William,  whcfe  heart  was  a  mint, 
"While  the  owner  ne'er  knew  half  the  good  that  was  in't  ; 
The  pupil  of  impulfe,  it  forc'd  him  along, 
Hisconduft  ftill  right,  with  his  argument  wrong  j 
Still  aiming  at  honour,  yet  fearing  to  roam. 
The  coachman  was  tipfy,  the  chariot  drove  home  ! 
Would  yor  alk  for  his  merits— alas  !  he  had  none. 
What  was  good  was  fpantaneous,  his  faults  were  his  own. 

Here  lies  honell  Richard,  whofe  fate  I  mull  /igh  at;> 
Alas,  that  fuch  frolick  fhould  now  be  fo  quiet  ! 
What  fpirits  were  his,  what  wit  and  uhat  whim 
(nj  N(uw  breaking  a  jelt,  and  now  breaking  a  limb  j 
J^ow  wrangling  and  grumbling  to  keep  up  the  ball. 
2^ow  tearing  and  vexing,  yet  laughing  at  all  i 
In  fhort,  fo-provoking  a  devil  was  Dick, 
That  we  wifh'd  him  full  ten  times  a  day  at  Old  Nick, 
But  miffing  liis  mirth  and  agreeable  vein, 
J*is  often  we  wifh'd  to  have  Dick  back  again. 

Here  Cumberland  lies,  having  acted  his  parts, 
The  Terence  of  England,  the  mender  of  hearts  j 

A 
(tn)  Mr.  T.   'Toujnfendy  member  for  H^hitcburcb. 
(n)  Mr.  Richard  Burke.     This  gentlem:in  halving  /lightly  fracm. 
fured  one  of  bis  arms  and  legs  y  at  differ  ent  t'nieSy  the  Do^or  bad 
rallied  him  on  thofe  accidents  as  a  kind  of  retributive  jujiice  ftr 
breaking  hisjejlsu^on  other  people. 


RETALIATION. 

A  flittering  painrer,  who  made  it  his  care 

To  dravr  men  as  they  ought  to  be,  not  as.  they  arc. 

His  gallants. are  all  faultlefs,  his  women  divine. 

And  comedy  wonders  at  being- fo  fine  ; 

Like  a  tragedy  queen  he  has  dizzen'd  her  out. 

Or  rather  like  Tragedy  skiving  a  rout. 

His  fools  have  their  follies  lo  ioft  in  a  crovd 

Of  virtues  acd  failings,  that  folly  grows  proud> 

And  coxcombs,  alike  in  their  feelings  alone, 

Adopting  bis  portraits,  are  pleasM  with  their   own. 

Say  where  has  our  poet  tiiis  malady  caught, 

Or  wherefore  hischaraders  thus  without  fault  ? 

Say  was  it, that  vainly  directing  his  view. 

To  find  out  men's  virtues,  and  finding  them  few_^ 

Quite  fick  of  purfning  each  troublefome  elf. 

He  grew  lazy  at  laftj  and  drew  from  hirafelf  ? 

Here  Douglas  retires  from  toils  to  relax, 
The  fccurge  of  impoftors,  the  terror  of  quackf", 
Come  all  ye  quack  bards,  and  ye  quacking  divines, 
Come  and  dance  en  the  fpol  wtiere  your  tyrant  recline? 
When  Satire  and  Cenfure  encircled  his  throne, 
I  fear'd  for  your  fafety,  I  fear'$i  for  my  own. 
But  now  he  is  gone,  and  we  want  a  deteftor, 
Our  Dodds  fliall  be  pious,  our  Kenricks  fijall  leflurj 
Macpherfon   write  bombaft,  and  call  it  a  %Ie  . 
Our  Townfend  make  fpecches  and  I  fhall  compile  ; 
New  Lauders  and  Bowers  the  Tweed  fiiall  crofs  over. 
No  countrymen  living  their  tricks  to  difcover  : 
Detection  her  taper  fhall  quench  to  a  fpark. 
And  Scotchman  meet  Scotchman^  and  cheat  in  the  dark. 

Here  lies  David  Garrick,  de/cribe  me  who  can. 
An  abridgment  of  all  that  was  pleafant  in  man  : 
As  an  a(5tor,  confefs'd  without  rival  to  fhine  : 
As  a  wit,  if  not  firfi,  in  the  very  firft  line. 
Yet  with  talents  like  thefe,  and  an  excellent  heart. 
The  man  had  his  failings,  a  dupe  to  his  art : 
tike  an  ill  judging  beauty,  his  colours  he  fprcad, 

And 


7 


'* 


RETALIATION, 

And  beplaftered  with  rouge  his  own  natural  red. 

On  the  ftage  he  was  natural,  fimple,  afFefling, 

'Twas  only  that  when  he  was  off,  he  was  afling  : 

With  no  reafon  on  earth  to  go  out  of  his  way. 

He  turn'd  and  he  varied  full  ten  times  a  day  : 

Though  fecure  of  our  hearts,  yet  confoundedly  ficKj 

If  they  were  not  his  own  by  finefiing  and  trick  : 

He  caftoff  his  friends,  as  a  huntfman  his  pack, 

For  he  knew  when  he  pleas'd  he  could  whidle  them  bacft^ 

©f  praife  a  mere  glutton,  he  fwallow'd  what|Canie, 

And  the  puffof  a  dunce  he  miftook  it  for  fame  ; 

Till  the  relifli  grown  callous,  almoft  to  difeafe. 

Who  peppcr'd  the  higheft  was  fureft  to  pleafe. 

But  let  us»  be  candid,  and  fpeak  out  our  mind. 

If  dunces  applauded,  he  paid  them  in  kind. 

Ye  Kenricks,  ye  Kellys  and  Woodfalla  fo  gravff, 

What  a  commerce  was  yours,  while  you  got  and  you  gave  ? 

How  did  Grubftreet  re-echo  the  fhouts  that  you  rais'd. 

While  he  was  be-Rofcius'd  and  you  were  beprai&'d.  ? 

But  peace  to  his  fplrit,  wherever  it  flies, 

To  aift  as  an  angel,  and  mix  with  the  Ikies ; 

Thofe  poets,  who  owe  their  beft  fame  to  his  fkill, 

Shall  flill  be  his  flatterers,  go  where  he  will  ; 

Old  Shakefpear,  receive  him,  with  praife  and  with  love, 

And  Beaumonts  and  Bens  be  his  Kellys  above. 

Here  Hickey  reclines,  a  moft  blunt  pleafant  creature, 
And  flanderitfelf  muft  allow  him  good  nature  ; 
He  cherifli*d  his  friend  and  he  relifh'd  a  bumper  ; 
Yet  one  fault  he  h'd,  and  that  one  was  a  thumper, 
Peiliaps  you  may  aflc  if  the  man  was  a  mifer  ? 
I  anfn-er,  no,  no,  for  he  always  was  wifer. 
Too  courteous,  perhaps,  or- obligingly  flat  f 
His  very  worft  roe  can't  accufe  him  of  that. 
Perhaps  he  confided  i.i  men  as  they  go. 
And  fo  was  too  fooliflily  honeft  ? — Ah  no  I 
Then  what  was  his  failing?  come  tell  it,  and  burn  ye-^ 
He  was,  Could  kehclp  ii  ?  a  fpcci^l  attorney, 

Here 


RETALIATION. 


#4i?. 


Here  Reynolds  is  laid,  and,  to  tell  you  my  mind, 
He  has  not  left  a  wifer  or  better  behi  nd  : 
His  pencil  was  flriking,  refiftlefs  and  grand, ' 
His  manners  were  gentle,  complying  and  bland  ; 
Still  born  to  improve  us  in  every  part. 
His  pencil  our  faces,  his  manners  our  heart  ; 
To  coxcombs  averfe,  yet  mofl  civilly  fleering, 
When  ihey  judg'd  without  fkill,  he  was  ftili  hard  of  hearing  • 
When  they  talk'd  of  their  Raphaels,  Correggios  and  fluff. 
He  fhifted  his  (o)  trumpet,  and  only  took  fnufF. 

{$)  Sir  Jo/fjua  Reptolds  is  fo  remarkably  deaf  as  to  be  under 
Ibt  necefuy  o/ufng  an  ear  trumpet  in  compa*iy* 


T»  T?  nn    -    T    T    A  "'   O  N» 


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